Not Dying Today
June 29th, 2009 by Gus Greeper | 6 CommentsI haven’t known what I’ve wanted to say on the page for a while I’ve been walking around having a lot of conversations with myself. I’m in this place that I’m not used to; I’ve discussed it in therapy. It is really strange for me to be in a place of recovery of sorts but be able to tell myself that on the bad days. Yesterday I was convinced that was it; I was depressed, DEPRESSED again. I slept most of the weekend and sleep hadn’t been coming easy to me and I was just out of it. Friday night was particularly hard. When you are used to having suicidal thoughts almost daily for an extended period of time and then all of sudden you have healthy thoughts and then when you have a bad day you can say oh im having a bad day and then when day three of bad days rolls around and the suicidal thoughts re enter the picture it fucking sucks.
I cried myself to sleep Friday night picturing new and exciting ways to knock myself off which weren’t limited to tying the sheet around my neck attaching it to the bed post (we have a poster bed frame) and letting myself fall out of bed. Fucking horrible. It makes me realize how lucky I am to have been feeling so well for a long while now it is draining it took me till I woke up today to fully snap out of it, yesterday we and my new Neko t-shirt did make it out for a walk but I wasn’t in an instant good mood.
My bad days have been bad but Saturday was the first day where I woke up beating myself up for the images I fell asleep with and told Adam about all of the ways I thought of and how much it sucked that the feelings were back and that day was a fucking write off and then yesterday I was still cunty pants. My therapist was all proud of me for actually being able to sit in my apartment and do nothing and be HAPPY about DOING NOTHING. And all I could think of was how quickly I’d regressed how easy it was to slip how I couldn’t even remember what the trigger was I can’t remember what took it over the edge to wanting to off myself.
So there is a part of me that is really proud because my parents and I are still doing well, I’m doing well, I know when to hold em and when to fold em I’ve been rocking out on the happy bus and then I fell off and got run over real good. I want good things, I deserve good things, and I’m only letting good things into my life. I want to stay in this *happy place* but fuck man, it’s really really hard but easier than it was.


















































