Monthly Archive for October, 2005

fifty ways to leave your fifty hoes in fifty different area codes

have you ever wondered why paul simon only gives us these 5 ways to leave your lover in a song inaptly named 50 ways to leave your lover�?
so did we.
wonder no more. in honour of Halloween and our sick minds having nothing better to do, ABC and i bring you what we feel paul simon MAY have chosen as possible ways.

Paul Simon’s Original Ways

you just slip out the back, jack
make a new plan, stan
you don’t need to be coy, roy
just get yourself free
hop on the bus, gus
you don’t need to discuss much
just drop off the key, lee
and get yourself free

45 Additional Ways

shoot her in the face, ace
leave on a jet plane, jane
cut off his leg, greg
hammer in her brain, raine
lock him in the morgue, borg
stick her with a sword, gord
bite off his cock, spock
stick her with a shank, frank
cook fatty foods, contributing to his heart disease, louise
whack her with a bat, pat
have an affair, clare
bop her car with a glock, doc
feed him to a demon, eamonn
hit him with a brick, rick
cast him into hell, nell
grind her flesh into macaroni, tony
push him off his bike, mike
snip her e-brake, jake
weld closed her flu, lou
toss a grenade, jade
bomb her, dahmer
hire a hitman, fran
leave her in a ditch, mitch
lock him in the sauna, lana
stab her in the ass, cass
give him ebola, lola
freeze her in ice, bryce
throw him in the cage with a baaaadaassss panda, miranda
leave her in a gator�s death roll, joel
have his murder committed by people in your commune, june
tie him to a sled, fred
club her with an ancient artifact at the museum, liam
hang him from a tree, marie
make her watch Full House, clause
give her crabs, babs
take a dump on her rug, doug
drop him off a bridge, midge
poke out his eye, di
fuck him to death, beth
kill her in the sack, zach
beat him with a lock in a sock, tupac
ditch her at the mall, jamal
clock her with your sand wedge, reg
leave her at the altar, walter
show him the guillotine, eileen

fuck man i just CAN NOT stop listening to these songs

if i could, i would transfer my entire players most current song list which is called ‘grappledons list’ over but it is over 4 hours long so i will just go with the ones that:

make me do crazy on the spot couch dancing and/or couch air gi-tar. (couch air gi-tar is MUCH safer in that i can lean into the cushions)
my stand up combo of napoleon dynamite/ellen degeneres moves (which they both stole FROM ME) some moves in this category have also been labelled as my tourettes moves. i was pretty shocked when they were stolen.
the standing give it all i have air gi-tar. (only recommended for experts and those who are not afraid of the bruises that you will acquire falling and/or crashing into things)
and; songs that i feel in every part and pore of my body.
all of the above is most generally accompanied by singing filled with gusto and passion and words that may or may not be the original lyrics.

KISS: i was made for loving you
Alicia Keys: rock wit you, never felt this way (interlude)
Bonnie Raitt: not the only one
The Darkness: givin’ up, love on the rocks with no ice, get your hands off my woman, i believe in a thing called love
Paul Simon” 50 ways to leave your lover (also known as Gus’s song)
Red Hot Chili Peppers: blood sugar sex magik
Neil Diamond – cherry cherry, kentucky woman, cracklin rose
Simon and Garfunkle: kathy’s song
Justin Timberlake: rock your body (shut it)
Marvin Gaye: when did you stop loving me, when did i stop loving you
Robert Palmer: looking for clues
O’jays: time to get down
Primus with Ozzy Osborne: N.I.B.
The Vogues: 5 O’clock World (and just a little fyi here the first line sounds WAY cooler if you sing it as: up every morning just to keep a job i gotta fight my way to the hustler bar)
Fiona Apple: extraordinary machine, red red red, o’sailor
Beck: lost cause
Bob Dylan: positively 4th street
Stevie Wonder: sign sealed delivered i’m yours

ok that will do, i am just going with songs that cause the above at this time. some songs have been on ‘grappledons list’ for a while – i just love the name of the list and am having issues building a new one because of this. and although i still love the rest of the songs on ‘grappledons list’, i do much tamer dancing and much tamer air gi-tar when they come on. the above songs could cause me to injure myself rocking out to them at any time. except maybe kathy’s song that has been a favourite since i was a kid that one i feel in every part and pore.

pay per view i hate you

damn bloody canucks game is not on tv here.

when this happens i sit on the NHL’s website and press refresh every minute or so, sometimes i even get obsessive and refresh it as often as every four seconds.

update: we lost 6-2 colorado
that leaves us at 8-2-1
when i don’t ‘see’ the games i don’t get as upset when we lose (normally there’d be some swearing).

bertuzzi at least got me a point in my pool.

just TRY and say ABC doesn’t look SUPER BADASS in this photo

badassabc.jpg