I had a couple really good days and then BAM like yesterday was BAD poor Adam seriously.
I don’t want to turn into no tom cruise but anti-depressants are bad I can’t believe this shit I make it through the numbness the swooshing of NOTHING past my head pulled a 13+ hour day at work last week and was FINE and then BAM just went totally off the deep end yesterday. The worst is the good side and the bad side fighting each other being able to hear the one voice say “FUCK MAN YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE WHAT ARE YOU DOING” while the other is like NO die die die….and you just get sick of fighting them both or I do…I don’t remember what I said when I called Dr. B. but I know it was an FYI: this ativan shit is shit, it is not helping it is making me worse. HOW is something that is supposed to calm me down and help me think clearly making me WORSE? It has happened before with this shit called Remeron but that was a full on anti-depressant. So who knows?
When he called back I was in such a state Adam answered my phone tried to hand it to me and I said I’d walk out the door if he did. But really even though I should have I didn’t want to hear- ok do your breathing- IM ALREADY TRYING TO etc etc, why’d I call him then? Mostly to tell him I was pretty close to admitting myself and that the ativan was shit and because one wasn’t working I had to take two and seeing as I’m such an overly honest person for some reason I felt he should know that.
When I turn my comments off it is mostly because I know the people who care and I feel for the people who support me- you can only write the same supportive shit to me so many times- for me it is like giving the reader a break too. I have email, I get the emails but I put some of this shit out there for the people who I know read me and HURT and suffer themselves- I sit down it comes out- I post it. I also have HUGE affection issues it isn’t easy, suddenly after all these years ‘cept for a few KEY people that REALLY know that have been there since I was young[er] that people now like me, oddly that is hard too. Like whether it was years ago …going from people telling me you should have died, wouldn’t have cared if I had have died and like WHO ASKED YOU and now because I’m still being the fucked up person I’ve always been people like and respect me??…a bit of a trip, takes a bit of getting used to.
I lost a dear dear dear friend to this depression shit TO ME it is important that people know and no matter how alone you feel you AREN’T and if you ARE then talk to someone anyone. I of course keep the anonymity of the people who do email and say I help them and or ask for advice and trust me IT HELPS ME TOO.
The thing that pisses me off the most and makes my blood boil I can hardly even think about it without freaking out. Companies, corporations, businesses whatever call them what you will, I’ve heard it SO MANY TIMES�OH WHO CARES if you have to take a pill to be happy to not be SAD what have you oh really???? Who cares like you mean it is fine???? Then HOW COME when you fuckers find out someone takes that shit you pretty much force them out the door??? I have NEVER in any office TOLD someone I was on tits UNLESSSSSSS I was suckered into telling them. I KNOW my depression has NEVER been made an issue in an office until the company MADE IT ONE. It is no different from any other fucking disease, I do my best and some days are really bad and some are really good. But why is the person in the office who is just a fuck wad asshole always fine? He or she is a total ass pants and can do fuck all, basically just complains and talks about everyone, yet YOU the person who is TRYING to help yourself gets fucked. Happens every time.
The thing I hate the most about feeling like this and being so wrapped up in me is that I care about the world and politics- the unimaginable shit happening right now in Darfur to name ONLY ONE PLACE THERE ARE SO MANY!!!!! I know what is going on around me I do my part for charities every year no matter how little money we have but I just think to myself HOW DARE YOU BE THIS SAD AND THIS FUCKED UP when people are dying and homeless and killing each other and have WAY bigger shit to deal with. Fuck I just want to be normal. Just a week of that reality that pain, that loss, THE HORROR and I’d probably never let my STUPID depression get to me, ’cause when I let my mind go there when I’m lashing around like a two year old although it makes me feel worse sometimes, sometimes it brings me back too.
