Monthly Archive for October, 2006

Published on October 31, 2006 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

Happy Halloween!!

Sometimes you get a Trick and sometimes you get a Treat.
From me you get a Trick cause I ummm posted this last year but we’ve never forgotten about it and I think Paul Simon would be pleased or something.

fifty ways to leave your fifty hoes in fifty different area codes

have you ever wondered why paul simon only gives us these 5 ways to leave your lover in a song inaptly named 50 ways to leave your lover�?
so did we.
wonder no more. in honour of Halloween and our sick minds having nothing better to do, ABC and i bring you what we feel paul simon MAY have chosen as possible ways.

Paul Simon’s Original Ways

you just slip out the back, jack
make a new plan, stan
you don’t need to be coy, roy
just get yourself free
hop on the bus, gus
you don’t need to discuss much
just drop off the key, lee
and get yourself free

45 Additional Ways

shoot her in the face, ace
leave on a jet plane, jane
cut off his leg, greg
hammer in her brain, raine
lock him in the morgue, borg
stick her with a sword, gord
bite off his cock, spock
stick her with a shank, frank
cook fatty foods, contributing to his heart disease, louise
whack her with a bat, pat
have an affair, clare
bop her car with a glock, doc
feed him to a demon, eamonn
hit him with a brick, rick
cast him into hell, nell
grind her flesh into macaroni, tony
push him off his bike, mike
snip her e-brake, jake
weld closed her flu, lou
toss a grenade, jade
bomb her, dahmer
hire a hitman, fran
leave her in a ditch, mitch
lock him in the sauna, lana
stab her in the ass, cass
give him ebola, lola
freeze her in ice, bryce
throw him in the cage with a baaaadaassss panda, miranda
leave her in a gator’s death roll, joel
have his murder committed by people in your commune, june
tie him to a sled, fred
club her with an ancient artifact at the museum, liam
hang him from a tree, marie
make her watch Full House, clause
give her crabs, babs
take a dump on her rug, doug
drop him off a bridge, midge
poke out his eye, di
fuck him to death, beth
kill her in the sack, zach
beat him with a lock in a sock, tupac
ditch her at the mall, jamal
clock her with your sand wedge, reg
leave her at the altar, walter
show him the guillotine, eileen

Published on October 30, 2006 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

The worst is when nothing is wrong. LIFE is just happening as it does around me and I specialize in all or nothing thinking and I find myself miserable no matter what.
Horrid feeling. Guilty feeling.

I hate the beginning of feeling better when it isn�t real yet and I�m in a fantastic mood and hyper even but am still depressed and I even forget for a bit because I am not depression- I suffer from depression. Yes my therapist SAID that I didn�t come up with THAT ONE on my own but it is an area of huge concentration in my therapy right now.

Six little pills since Friday and my other two doses are basically the same with the normal trust I�m given of taking �extra� Clonazepam when needed. When I took the sixteen Clonazepam and went to bed Dr. B gave me my prescription in one week bottles with one week refills for months. Had to gain the trust back. Act like an adolescent get treated like one right back, I knew sixteen wouldn�t kill me I don�t know what the fuck I thought I was doing but I know I did not want to feel. I haven�t done that again. It is Zoloft that has been added to my colorful morning pill salad.

�we could do yadda or yadda yadda, have we/you tried yadda blah yadda�
�I�ve been on yadda, and yadda yadda, and yadda blah yadda HOLY that shit fucked me up good. I�ll take the Zoloft�.

Having messages on my phone makes me anxious. I have no day time minutes left and hate the phone. Sometimes my stupid phone doesn�t even work. I need a new one.

I didn�t spend all day yesterday thinking of ways to kill myself. I was back to saying witty rude things while fucking up playing Tiger Woods PGA 2007 for PS2 [because it SUCKS ASSSSSSS building up your skillz every year] like �motherfucker injustice of the peace�. Maybe I am feeling legitimately better my golf swears are totally back to normal.

Shut Up and Sing

Published on October 29, 2006 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

Nice glasses marks on my nose. I didn�t have contacts then. That is me with a girl at the Dixie Chicks concert, their �Fly� tour in 2000 long before I and the rest of the media whores, fans and instant ex-fans went to our corners where we still sit now. I�m in the corner with the people who I�m sure LAUGHED like she immediately did at what she said and stood up loud and strong behind them kept their songs on their MP3 players and made a point to buy their albums- not bulldoze them over.

I haven�t stopped listening to the new album since the day I bought it. There are three songs that are still growing on me that I will admit I skip a lot. Still pretty good considering what you get with most CDs.

Last night [i]Shut Up and Sing[/i] their new documentary filmed by previous Oscar winner Barbara Kopple and Cecilia Peck was shown in limited release at theaters around the Lower Mainland it releases to the rest of the public on November 3. I had to be there. So much so, that I stepped over my ban of Paramount/Cineplex Entertainment theaters to support them. I did not pay attention to the ghastly food prices but Adam mentioned, and we both laughed at the dollar going to Breast Cancer Research off a twelve dollar and thirty nine cent meal, you�d think they�d give a wee bit more and I read a magazine through their bull shit ads. I would have watched Ellen�s new American Express one had it have played. Of course.

I have never clapped in the middle of a movie before and I clapped a couple times in this one. I thought I�d cry more but I didn�t. I fingered the screen.

Adam is ummm not a fan he can�t stand Natalie Maines�s voice but he does appreciate the group�s overall instrumentation or at least I thought he did and he went to the movie with me because he loves me but he didn�t know that Chad Smith from the Chili Peppers played(s) drums for them and turned and said �Is THAT Chad Smith [before his name came up in BIG letters that said CHAD SMITH, DRUMS] I don�t like the Chili Peppers now either then�. Later, I said �so what do you hate Bonnie Raitt now too�? [she does background vocals on the disk and one of her songs is on our wedding CD.]

When Bush reasoned that they shouldn�t have their feelings hurt because people don�t want to buy their albums, Maines�s response with an F-bomb and other choice words got some of the strongest yet most supportive reactions from the audience.

Even knowing that they aren�t going to get shot to death after the death threats when they perform for the first time in Austin after Natalie spoke her truth you can�t not feel their strength and courage to have come up from under that stage blasting “Goodbye Earl”.

This documentary takes you briefly from the start of their music career but officially starts in showcasing their patriotic 2003 Super Bowl performance then straight to the opening night of their �Top of the World� tour in London where Natalie made the now infamous statement �just so you know we�re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas� and going from being the biggest selling female band in history to having to live instantly under the movie�s slogan of “Freedom of speech is fine, as long as you don’t do it in public.”

It is an extremely intimate look into all three of their lives and the impact those words you hear come out of her mouth in full context had on them their careers and their family and I personally agree it was the best thing that could have happened to them. Three women stuck together and fought all the odds have never taken no for an answer and reinvented themselves entirely.

I love their lyrics, their music; I can rarely get through the new album without shedding a wee tear. I can not relate to death threats but I�ve related to their words since �Wide Open Spaces� spoke to me of leaving home a year after the fact.

If you are a Bush lover I don�t even think I have to tell you to stay away from the film unless you want to see if it is your blog they are reading from when the backlash begins but if you want to see some Chicks kick some hard core ass country style and show the media who is boss then I�d go and I�d go now or I guess on November 3rd.

Published on October 28, 2006 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

If you have read the whole Depression/Therapy category then you know that things get heavy on here sometimes. I�m brutally honest about things I�ve been through and things I�m going through. I do not regret the things I�ve written on here I knew some of it was going to hurt people but I didn�t do it on purpose and in the majority of cases I�m sorry. I started this blog by and large to force myself to write every day and I got into it before it exploded but I find myself in this odd situation where I receive emails from people just wanting to vent, some who want advice some who just tell me to keep writing about it and that it helps them. But then I think of myself and how hard it is to be so honest. And how honest I really am. If I actually admitted how severely depressed I get I think we�d be heading for some pretty heavy territory and every time I decide I�m going to share a piece of my depression with the internet I fear that THIS will be the time some ass fuck will call me a self pitying fool and I�ll do what I threaten to do every day which is take the blog down. It isn�t easy putting it all out there no one asked me to and some days it is fucking hard but when you KNOW that you help even just one person how can you stop? I�m not the kind of person who can. But I did something really bad and I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment and I had to tell my parents before I wrote this and it wasn�t like months ago when things were still fucked with my family and I took the 16 Clonazepam and burned a hole in my wrist and basically slept for three days because when I did that I could place unfair and misdirected blame this time it was all on me and this time instead I punched myself in the face, the forehead to be exact over six times. I�ve got a sizeable bump [basically from the top of my nose up to my hair line] and some bruising and I have a bad headache. I�m not talking to people. My friends may be pissed at me but there was no way I was letting my parents read that online with my site as their home page. There is a lot of fucked up shit going on in mine and Adam�s lives right now and I was trying to do something my therapist asked me to do and couldn�t do it and freaked out and lost it. I couldn�t throw or smash anything because I didn�t want the landlord over here wondering what was going on and Adam was at work so I took it out on myself. I think it is one thing to beat myself up mentally but to physically abuse myself? I do NOT recommend it. I did not press charges.
I am glad it is winter because I can wear my toque.
Adam put a wee post up because I didn�t know how the fuck to write about this and have been so fucked up since Wednesday my eyes are almost cried shut. I think I�m even crying in my sleep because my lids won�t open properly in the morning they are glued shut like when you have a cold so bad snot comes out your eye sockets.
I threatened myself with admitting myself to the psych ward, told myself if I punched myself again I�d have no choice but to go admit myself. I was seeing Dr. B yesterday so I set my alarm and went back to bed.
I showed up at his office in the same outfit I had been wearing since Monday when I took my last shower before yesterday and the same underwear no bra hair so greasy if it were Adam I wouldn�t have let him in the bed till he washed it.
After I cried for a good five or ten minutes for �beating myself up�- shame which I gotta tell you I�m having issues with. I�ve been beat up as an adolescent and I�ve also been sexually assaulted more than once and I have now physically assaulted myself I am not very happy about this I can�t believe I did this to myself I�m lucky it is all I did. Knowing I had therapy yesterday saved me I KNEW I had to go Adam and I can not afford the �not showing up fee� and because I don�t work I can�t do that to our bank account and it was go to therapy or go to the hospital yesterday and I went to therapy. I said that I would take the anti depressants just give me the fucking things I�ll accept later that I�m about to be on three medications and hopefully this combination will work. I made the decision last week to give the Risperidone an extra week which obviously was not the best choice but at the time as they say in biz I had a flood of very over stimulating events take place and it made sense to see if with those calmed down the drug would work not knowing things where going to get worse and fast and that I�d kick my ass.
I�ve been so depressed I�ve had nothing positive to say nothing I�ve wanted to write about and I don�t fucking want pity I question every day why the fuck I ever felt it necessary to talk about MY struggles with depression as openly as I do and I just hit a new low. I don�t know if having lost someone to suicide and fighting off the thoughts the plots the plans and style of execution daily is worse or better. I know there are days he keeps me here and I know there are days when I wonder if we�ll be kicking each others asses up there and there are days I wonder why there are people who love life, love it so much just want it want it all so bad get sick and they die and I sit here feeling like I have nothing to offer anyone and I stay I don�t ask WHY ME I ask why not me why make me stay. My fucking face hurts.