Monthly Archive for March, 2008
It is shocking to me how quickly although not and never quick enough I can go from blinding breakdown strength rage to clarity and oh shit.
I have had a few pretty serious episodes with my depression in the last few years for sure, but Adam had never been a party to anything that intense before being that the last time I lost it even close to that bad was in 2003, it was the year I met Adam but I was already a few months into psychotherapy. I did not end up in the hospital though, I did give in to my rage to the point an ex boyfriend could have charged me with god only knows what, while out of my right mind, I destroyed with him lying on the couch RIGHT next to me trying to sleep at least three beer bottles, two glasses and a wine bottle that I had to smash into the floor a lot of times to even get it to break, it left a deep groove in the floor. My apartment floor was a sheet of glass and there was red wine on the ceiling. The worst that thankfully came of it was a nasty cut to one of my feet. But the amount of injury that random glass flying around could have caused leaves me feeling lucky to say the very least, at the time it scared the living shit out of me; I scared the shit out of myself. Our relationship did end shortly after that and I don’t know if it was because he had known me for more than three years at the time or if it was mutual friends or if he is just forgiving but he did forgive me for that because we are still friends today.
There are people I hurt in this breakdown that I’m really sorry I’ve hurt and one day hope to make amends with and others that to be honest I’m just not really that sorry and I’m not losing any sleep over it, I may have handled getting my message across wrong but it has been received now and forgive me but I’m concentrating on getting myself better right now and I will deal with what I feel needs dealing with when I’m ready, if at all, I may simply let it go and learn the lessons I’m supposed to and call it a day. I can’t have breakdowns like that around and hurt people I’ve only known in person for just over a year or less and expect them to forgive me like people who have known me for years may or may have in the past for similar or worse behavior. It is hard to ignore how people expect me to react to things when this episode is over and I’m trying to move on but I have to force myself to not care and block out negative energy.
I know and believe in my own self worth and that it is worth the little bit extra it takes to get into my inner circle but I also know that because of how unpredictable I can be that some people just don’t want to deal with that.
I still need to analyze how and why I allowed myself to get so lost so far gone, yes it happens, sure it happens but looking back at when the shit storm started last August it really was just a matter of time until I cracked, I just firmly believed that my days of such destructive behavior were over. But I think being back in tune with myself and now being aware of the fact that I don’t have my temper as in check as I’d like it and that I am way way too passive aggressive are hard lessons learned and are things I’m going to work on.
There are a lot of things I need to do right now to try and prevent another rage type breakdown. It feels so bad while it is happening and looking back on it is hard to even picture or feel to imagine I could be that destructive. It doesn’t make me happy. That is why I say I’m back to regular old depressed me because as is well known I’m too hard on myself and recovery is more difficult than I’d like it but I really believed I had come far enough and worked hard enough not to get myself into any of the situations that I blew myself out of.
Some people see me as someone that there is always something wrong with and maybe they are right, but at least I work on myself, at least I try and I never asked to suffer from depression, I never asked to have to battle suicidal thoughts constantly and sure as hell don’t like feeling like I have no control over myself and I rarely say why me? Maybe this is a way of saying that I do forgive myself but I can’t really start to get better until I do.
Last July I wrote on some of the new measures that Adam and I are taking to make the world that we live in a better place and also trying to do our part for the environment.
Since then we’ve added things such as a reusable coffee filter [we both drink a lot of coffee and it is Adam's fault I never drank as much till I met him] we’ve almost cleared the apartment of *almost* all plastic bags, which is not even close to as easy as it sounds and we’ve added reusable bags. There are people in the West End that recognize and point and give us a smile when we forget our bags and can be seen booting it home with our arms filled. It has happened to us both more than once.
One of my very favourite places to give my money to has always been to the WWF – World Wildlife Fund – I used to adopt animals for people as gifts on a very regular basis, you can also adopt forests, oceans and the arctic now. They have even more animals to adopt than they did when I used to do it, I may get back on that. I want a ‘Hotter than I should be’ organic t-shirt.
This will be the first year of hopefully many, that Adam I will participate in Earth Hour. Between 8 and 9pm this Saturday night, March 29, we will be in the dark with hopefully a massive load of people in the city and around the world. As per their website:
On March 29, 2008, cities across Canada, and around the world will turn off their lights for Earth Hour, a WWF event to raise awareness about climate change and symbolize that, working together the people of the world can make a difference in the fight against climate change.
Earth Hour has grown from a single event in Sydney, Australia in 2007 to a global phenomenon that will occur across six continents and in as many as 20 cities in 2008.
Toronto was the flagship Canadian city to commemorate Earth Hour 2008 but dozens of others including Ottawa, Vancouver and Montreal have already joined!
Our goal is to get thousands of businesses and individuals to participate in this historic event, so we can show the nation and the world that Canadians are leaders in addressing climate change, one of the most critical issues facing our world today.
I’ve been pretty excited about this since hearing about it. I have NO idea what we’ll do in the dark for an hour [I sense there will be some Earth Hour babies being made] but I am sure we will find something or maybe we will invite some people over for some good in the dark conversation.
If you’d like to participate you can either just DO IT or sign up on the WWF website.
If you’d like to do more, ‘The Good Life‘ is a new kick ass campaign/challenge you can also sign up for right on the WWF site and it will guide you through more and more ways to help save the planet basically handing you simple actions to not only help the Earth but to help you feel like you ARE making a difference and to make “Every Hour Earth Hour”.
I encourage you to click on the provided links and participate in this great cause. There is also a jam packed group on Facebook of participants you can also join in there.
If last year ONE CITY was able to accomplish what the quote provided below describes, I can’t wait to see what the rest of us can add:
Created to take a stand against the greatest threat our planet has ever faced, Earth Hour uses the simple action of turning off the lights for one hour to deliver a powerful message about the need for action on global warming.
About Earth Hour On March 31 2007, for one hour, Sydney made a powerful statement about the greatest contributor to global warming – coal-fired electricity – by turning off its lights. Over 2.2 million Sydney residents and over 2,100 businesses switched off, leading to a 10.2% energy reduction across the city. What began as one city taking a stand against global warming caught the attention of the world.
In 2008, 24 global cities will participate in Earth Hour at 8pm on March 29. Earth Hour is the highlight of a major campaign to encourage businesses, communities and individuals to take the simple steps needed to cut their emissions on an ongoing basis. It is about simple changes that will collectively make a difference – from businesses turning off their lights when their offices are empty, to households turning off appliances rather than leaving them on standby.
Last week things started to have a feeling of normalcy around here. FEELS like I’m back to my regular old depressed self. She’s cool, majority of the people I know can handle me in this state. It is no wonder that Tori Amos and her music always bring me so much solace during shit times, after I finish reading The Last Days of Socrates, Plato I am going to read Tori Amos Piece by Piece, Tori Amos and Ann Powers. I picked up a hard cover on blow out for five dollars. I can’t even tell you how happy finding hard cover books I want for five dollars in perfect shape makes me. And it is still an early enough printing that the book itself is still grooved like honeycomb.
I went out on Thursday for a friend’s birthday and I bowled! No photos though, Adam’s pictures thankfully did not turn out. Thank you very much to my Bowl for Big Brothers sponsors: readers and friends of Gus Greeper put me in second place behind Tod Maffin for most amount raised, you all helped me raise $296.00 respectfully and I greatly appreciate it!
We had to leave said birthday celebrations early because my energy level was beyond low and although dinner was awesome it wasn’t enough to keep me energized very long and also with all the great people to talk with I faded out pretty fast. At dinner it was OFFICIALLY decided that I am no longer allowed at any parties without a sippy cup because I am a Hand Talker Extraordinaire aka spilly drinker. This came about only after Kimli had already spilled a full glass of water onto Adam’s crotch [hehe that was so funny] and my cat like reflexes had caught at least four or five ‘almost spills’ from my flailing talker hands, hence past parties came up where really I haven’t necessarily spilt anything, but I did almost break or did break my toe, so we came to a general consensus. I want an extremely childish one with a neck strap on it etc. It will debut at Netchick’s House Warming. Hopefully I will have gained some weight back by then and not hate cameras.
My therapist mentioned on Friday that he didn’t think I was any smaller than I had been back in 2003 when I started to see him, I was a serious wreck back then, so I had to explain to him that yes he was right it was simply the lack of muscle mass that was making it so obvious because in 2003 I was still in stellar shape.
I have taken my nerd-dum to new heights and am now sporting FLARE on my purse. This is a very out of the box thing for me to do so we will see how long it lasts. I do enjoy the extra feelings of nerdiness it gives me though.
Last week was also a killer week for mail and I’m going to show it off!
Jennie Roth sent me these seriously kick ass slippers. I’m going to hang them above my makeshift monkey making area, these mailed before I had my not so fun break down and therefore arrived just in time to help cheer me up! Thanks again Jennie me lovez them.
I normally do not post any of my correspondence because there are many many people I have met online not to mention my ‘in person’ friends – I LOVE TO SEND AND RECEIVE MAIL – I send mail to and they send me mail. This card was too cute not to post to my flickr because it made my day and made me laugh laugh laugh and then laugh some more.
And I was also in complete shock when the post woman left a package at my door which I opened to find this fantastic painting of myself to myself from the seriously awesome Tiana aka Sassy Red Head, the original photo is here.
My friends and their thoughtfulness never ever cease to amaze me. Thanks again so much!
