Has the dust not even settled I don’t know I just go on, but to where I can’t tell you but it’s dark and being alone so much fucks with you but I wouldn’t have it any other way. And it keeps me way too far away and I may never be back this time because rock bottom never factors in how heavy the rock is how long it keeps you down. If I’m not strong enough to lift it off then I’m not strong enough.
Monthly Archive for April, 2009
This morning we got up relatively early met up with Paul and friend at the *brand new* Vancouver Convention Center to take in what is said to be “a most unusual Sculpture Competition.”
Canstruction an event in its 7th year supporting the Greater Vancouver Food Bank Society each year gathers teams to compete in designing and building the most colossal sculpture possible out of canned food. I hadn’t heard of this competition before and sculptures, museums, and exhibits such as Krazy at the Vancouver Art Gallery last year are right up our alley.
Canstruction Vancouver, the local chapter of an anti-hunger project created by Society of Design Administration, is held in over 100 cities across North America, including 12 in Canada; and
Over 750,000 cans of food – much of it high quality protein – have been donated to the Greater Vancouver Food Bank Society through Canstruction Vancouver.
Entrance is by donation, even if your change purse is tight and can only spare a Loonie or Toonie for every dollar Canstruction donates to the Foodbank this allows the Foodbank to purchase $3 dollars worth of food for its clients.
Canstruction runs Sunday to Sunday April 26th – May 3rd 2009 10am – 6pm you can see lots more photos from our excursion on my Flickr.
I discovered today that I haven’t blogged in a seriously long time. Which on one hand I know is fine because it is one less blog coming through your feed but on the second hand I get all backed up with word head and walk around because I walk every where I go unless the weather is HORRID, writing blog posts in my head and talking to myself in blog post speak out loud and then forget what my word head post was about and I don’t end up posting or I have so many word head posts I don’t know where to start because I did have writers block, sort of, still do but things I would tell the internet are starting to come back.
It is pretty bizarre being in a place where I’m so depressed I’m suicidal sally but scared to post just how bad I feel in fear of someone phoning emergency medical services on me which wouldn’t be bad so much as it would be just a waste of time, Adam is here I have a psychiatrist but I’m running into my honesty for example on my outwardly violent PAST being used against me to a point that has made me for the positive re-evaluate a lot and I mean a lot of things and it has made it hard to post. It never ever used to be that way.
It is hard to be so depressed that you picture and see yourself dead every day I wonder how I get that low it seems almost impossible to me to feel so good one minute and just want to slit my wrists and have to hand the razors to Adam as I finally get in the shower with tears streaming down my face hating hating hating feeling feeling feeling too much pain.
I was thinking how, come August 2007 I will have been chronically pretty severely depressed for two full years, it blows my mind I haven’t felt good for more than approximately five days in a row since 2007. And as usual I recognize I’ve got a good husband and I’ve got a good cat and I’ve got good friends it is my bloody rubbish head you see it just won’t let me be me at times that subsequently work for me. I lack balance and structure, I’ve had them both, I LOVE lists and have a day planner and then I let them slip away just like when I’m feeling good it’ll be two pm plus and I’ll remember you need drugs to keep feeling that good take em honey or it won’t last the rest of the day let alone five. (hopefully more this go)
I’m taking the good right now, I’ve managed to get back into Yoga but with it being tax season I won’t be officially back till Monday, I got all the tax shit done wanted to drink Drano when I saw what we owed after I’d worked my ass off giving the stupid damn government our money all year, we’ve been golfing as shown below and on my flickr, I’ve been speed walking and not experiencing ANY I/T band pain which is awesome I’m trying not to get too excited because I REALLY push myself when I walk and I walk long distances and if the I/T band pain stays away and I can run FAR at FAST paces again OMFG I will be the happiest girl on EARTH. I’ve also managed to pack on at LEAST 10 to 15 pounds – I am ecstatic, three different people have told me I look good and fit and I BELIEVE IT! My tits and ass are hanging out of my bras and panties and seeing as my clothes have been falling off for almost a year I’ll fucking take it. I think I’ll be fine with my bras mini cleavage on the mini rack is great but my butt not fitting in my underpants only works for Adam’s viewing pleasure.
In closing I made VLogBlog three yesterday on Earth Day, I am wearing triple green, sports top, v-neck t-shirt and snazzy Asian slippers from China town. I’ll give you the set up: I attempt a taste test with Gus, containing Whiskas Dentabites Complete Oral Care and Feline Greenies. She is too old to be put under for a teeth cleaning and she hasn’t been as excited about the Feline Greenies which are the fancy ones. Hence I decided an experiment was in order.
And before I go I am very much in love with this old quote:
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.
— Marilyn Monroe
Gus took my spot when I got up to refill my coffee and stuff, so I thought i would say HI! I need to shower and exfoliate my skin; I really notice a difference between when I exfoliate my epidermis in the shower and when I take a quick shower missing the exfoliation part, my towel notices too because I use it more than once. But I need to finish my coffee first.
My Twitter is broken and it is driving me sort of insane. I had no idea that I had formed an addiction to it. None, for serious, but not being able to jump up at will and write 140 characters of word vomit is not FAIR. My account has been sent to engineering and there is NO WORD on how long it will take it only took me THREE attempts to get them to actually look at my page with Rok Hed as my photo to see that my page is BONKED, it is blank. Twitter hates me.
Last night we watched Doubt which was AWESOME. Highly recommend it, made for some good pillow talk. I LOVE Amy Adams at present, she had me at Enchanted, looking at her list of movies I’m sort of late to the table on her. The rest of the cast is great, the sets are great, and I was able to visualize it on a stage as a play which made me appreciate it even more. You are welcome for that incredibly deep review I just gave it.
I am almost done reading Slaughterhouse-Five my very first ever Kurt Vonnegut novel and I am loving it and am going to have seventy-five dollars in free books coming my way soon so I may order some more of him I am thinking Cat’s Cradle?
I have only read five and this book this year so far which is pathetic but I am still so fucking depressed right now that all I really do is sit and do nothing and listen to music. It isn’t just writers block this is different. Coffee is getting cold I gotta go. I have lost track of when I showered last so I gotta do it. OH BUT I have been changing my underwear though just fyi on that cause I know in the past I said I’d wear it like five days and shit. I’m on too much meds for that shit and sweat too much at night, night sweets love me unlike Twitter.
PS. Not being able to Twitter about The Masters at Augusta National SUCKS ASS! Mike Weir finished at -4 today leaders are -6 at present but nice start Mikey.
