Although I’ve been making a valiant effort at getting out of the house everyday, and making it most days, for the rest of the day and the days that I don’t, I seem to be dealing with a side of my depression that has reared up before but never to this extent.
I sit. In the same place for hours and listen to music and stare off into space; and that is it. According to my psychiatrist there are other depressed people who do this, not like that really makes me feel any better about it. I think about things, like how awesome it would be to read a book or write a post or do any number of things but I don’t do them. I sit. And then, when I do leave the apartment I’m fucking late for everything right now, which is uncommon for me. I did notice this getting worse a couple months ago actually but didn’t think much of it until I was late for my last two therapy sessions now, so something has to give here. I find it interesting how different depression is for me now. I never used to be able to even sit in my feelings; I would go to bed. In that sense I’ve made some odd progress because I can technically stand myself enough not to drug myself out and head back to bed. Not abusing my prescription medication is also good! Little PSA there as well.
The lack of motivation is killing me and no one can snap me out of it I have to snap myself out of it. I don’t want to be forced. Some of this is seasonal some of it is Gus, the end is drawing nearer on that one. Some of it is having issues letting go of a huge betrayal suffered a couple of months back but at the same time, with that betrayal I was also finally forced to learn a lesson, one that I have never wanted to learn and have fought learning for a really long time, that being, I simply can not have resolution to every single situation that goes wrong in my life. Some people are simply dip-shits and will remain that way no matter what I do or don’t say to them or about them. That is a really hard one for me. I believe in forgiveness and honesty even when it hurts and I generally see no reason why some sort of peaceful agreement can’t be reached but some people would rather be miserable or pretend they don’t care but what people forget and this always irritates the shit out of me is that it takes energy to hate, to dislike and to behave in petty ways. I waste the energy too, don’t get me wrong, but I try not to. Do or do not there is no try, I know this, but it is easier said than done. It was also said by a little green creature and written by an ego masturbator extraordinaire but that is beside the point, I will get over this betrayal at my own pace and there are more lessons to be learned here, I’m not quite ready to lift my ship from Dagobah yet so back off and get yer own light sabre.
Now that I have learned that I can not have resolution to everything that doesn’t work out in my life because I’m not seeking it out anymore, I have to learn how to let it go because this is a baby step process, fuck it is huge for me that I am even willing to accept this much, because having disagreements with people who mean something to me is generally very hard on me, I never take it well, my fears of abandonment kick in and I start saying stupid shit and Sabotage by the Beastie Boys starts playing on the soundtrack of my life running on repeat in the back ground.
I know that I MUST I MUST I MUST INCREASE MY BUST, but seriously I know I MUST keep getting the fuck out of the apartment and maybe I should even start posting the photos I have been taking. Tell some stories and shit, it is motivation I need. I wish I could buy some or that David Sedaris would ring my buzzer and finish reading this book to me. It is draining feeling this depressed every day. I want to pick up the book I want to sign into WordPress and write stuff but, but but but.. that is the problem!
SO I don’t know, I’m here and there and everywhere. Impressed, unimpressed, friend, foe, lover, hater, high, low. I’m going through something big. I think it has a lot to do with Gus being so close to the end. If being able to at least sit IN my feelings continues I may just get to the bottom of this here bout yet.
