Monthly Archive for May, 2011

The Truth is.

Published on May 19, 2011 by Corinna Carlson | 21 Comments

The truth is I’m sick in the head again, I’m frustrated and disappointed, and after yesterday where I decided it would be a great idea to abuse my anxiety meds enough to knock me out for the day and leave me high when awake and still feeling it today, there really isn’t any sense in trying to hide it anymore. [yes, I told my shrink, seeing him this Saturday] I’m so angry I THOUGHT I was doing better, handling things better, people were even starting to notice and then BAM. It disgusts me after how hard I’ve been working, how easy it was.

I feel locked up inside. I feel like over the years I’ve been able to put a positive spin on most of the really dark periods that I have shared but I’m just not seeing the lights or feeling the positives at this very moment. I haven’t lately and I’ve been sinking into a deeper and darker place. Pulling the same shit I always do, letting people know I’m hurting but not letting them actually near me but of course completely over-sharing just how fucked up I am right now with at least one almost stranger who is only putting up with me because they are paid to.

I get that I’m in a transitional place right now and that those are never easy but I still feel so far behind on everything too old to be having the problems I do in life. I’m tired of being afraid all the time but I don’t know how not to be. I don’t know how not to fear success. I don’t know how to not sabotage every single possible good thing and or person that could and does come into my life. I don’t understand why anyone would want to be around THIS. This unpredictable, socially awkward, and currently, lately crying mess.

I know that some people do understand and do care about me, but at times I still feel like I am simply too much for everything and everyone. I thought that after eight full years of psychotherapy that I was ready, how could I not be, but it feels like I will never get better or be ready for anything. It isn’t like I haven’t been doing the fucking work and sure I get it, things don’t happen over night, but this is ridiculous. I’ve made it to eighteen sessions with an athletic therapist / personal trainer, taken yoga back up, been riding a bike in and out of the gym, been working out in the apartment and I don’t feel any better. In fact, I fucking feel worse about myself and where I am and who I am, and I’m extremely confused by this. What the fuck is wrong with me. I’m just about ready to give up, investing in myself doesn’t seem to be working, it seems to be sending me a message that I’m not worth it. I should have known, the truth about me is written in my blog, in my own comments right there for the world to see by my own family.

Ready to Run Away.

Published on May 9, 2011 by Corinna Carlson | 4 Comments

It has been almost two months now and I’m still going to the gym and seeing an athletic therapist. I’m still dedicated to what I’ve been calling investing in myself. It was well past time, I had no choice but to face that I needed help with my Iliotibial band syndrome and help that wasn’t going to be cheap or easy if I want to run again.

When I think about the fact that Adam and I have been together [including the dating years] for almost eight years and that he has never seen me run a race it triggers more than just not having been able to run, it also triggers the loss of a person I miss. It is one thing that I have always struggled with depression, it’s another that since developing anxiety back in 2002 I became a person I despise sometimes when I really let myself go there. And given that my brain feels like it is in an emotional firing range right now I suddenly feel like I have absolutely no idea who I am. I find that I am thankfully able to draw from the eight years of psychotherapy that has brought me to this place where I can attempt this reemergence to a life outside of my apartment. But I use draw from lightly, I couldn’t have imagined if I’d tried just how emotionally challenging taking on a few new life goals was going to be – ready or not.

I was prepared to deal with a bit of an emotional roller-coaster, I have major daddy issues wrapped up in running. Pushing my fathers voice trying to remind me that I can’t do it and that I’m not good enough out of my head during my sessions at the gym, during yoga or sitting on my ass thinking about this process isn’t nearly as easy as pretending I don’t have to get over it.

When I’m allowed to run again, I will be running through all of those issues and I know it’s going to be painful but I also know it’s coming. What I wasn’t prepared for was to be plummeted into relentless anxiety, some days it feels like too much is being triggered by this. I’m acting irrationally but at the same time not, a lot of shit has been happening in the last while that I have no control over. I have control over how I react to it, and I have let my emotions get away from me a few times, but I’m also realizing I’m dealing with so much more than I originally thought I was. I did not realize just how true it is that muscles don’t just hold many memories but that they hold them in the most hermetic of places.

I’m going to stay on this journey even though it is currently kicking my ass because I believe I made the right decision in starting it, I believe that all the tears and painful memories that are surfacing will only make me wiser, stronger and faster when I do hit the pavement and race again. I’m simply struggling with how big of a tempest it has brewing with my emotions, the fact that working out and working with an athletic therapist isn’t currently transferring over in a positive way in regards to my depression or my anxiety is also causing me a great deal of stress. I’m trying to remember that right now I’m in therapy and that therapy on any injury is painful but I feel unmotivated and depressed and getting to the gym is a workout in itself and some days other than proving my father wrong, I don’t know what the fuck is keeping me doing this.

Remembering Derek.

Published on May 4, 2011 by Corinna Carlson | 7 Comments

I have a feeling there will be a few of these posts popping up, not everything fits into 140 characters. Not this grief.

Last night my friend Airdrie lost her best friend and her husband while the Vancouver blogging / social media community also lost the same great man, Derek Miller passed away after a valiant fight with Cancer.

Today is one of those days where I grapple with the magnitude of blogging and just how much someone can touch you via words on a screen. Nothing tangible, no pages to turn.

Before 2008, I knew of Derek, I read his blog I followed him on Twitter, I admired him greatly; it was hard not to given how open he was about his battles with Cancer. #fuckcancer

At the beginning of March ‘08 I took a lot of pills and went across the street for an off-sales bottle of wine and downed it which sealed my lackluster attempt at a suicide and I found myself in the hospital. I’ve never denied how selfish of a disorder depression is. And although I received a great deal of support, more than I could have hoped for given some of the circumstances, when I came upon this post written for me by this man that I respected for his strength, courage and his fighting spirit – trying to put into words what it meant to me is almost impossible. Someone who knew they were going to die, someone facing eminent death took the time to reach out and publicly support me. I found it to be and still do consider it one of the most selfless things anyone has ever done for me.

I met Derek that following December, I b-lined for him when I saw him so I could finally thank him in person. I’m glad I have this photo below, my social anxiety kept me from most events where I would have had an opportunity to have gotten to know him better.

Airdrie & Derekphoto courtesy of Raul on Flickr

I end this with great sadness he is gone, with sincerest condolences to Airdrie and to the rest of his family and friends but also from a place of peace knowing that he touched so many people.

You can read Derek’s last words here, if you experience technical difficulties due to traffic there is a cached version of it located here instead.

And last but not least #FUCKCANCER.