I don’t generally like to say fuck in the first sentence of a post, but holy fuck have things ever been whirlwind mind fuckingly crazy interesting in the last month. Fully got myself labeled by a few new folks as nuts, crazy, too much, what have you. But there’s something I’ve been sort of talking about but haven’t fully disclosed in fear that people will react in ways I might not want to hear but I’m now in a place where I’m fine with the fact that some people won’t think this is or was a good idea.
I know that I have mentioned how I’ve been spending a lot of time this year learning how to feel for real again and sit in my feelings and that my medication(s) were being dropped, but I’ve never said how much or what exactly, for some reason that is one of the areas I do find myself keeping close is how much medication I take. But I feel that I’m working so hard at present yet fucking up left, right and centre, I’m feeling discouraged but I’m not ready to give up on myself, I dropped a lot and it took a long time and I need to give this a shot. It is clearly affecting me right now and in some ways I’m really struggling to find out who I am and what the fuck I’m doing. This does make perfect sense to me though, it just doesn’t make figuring shit out any easier.
I was taking:
Seroquel 275 mgs – 200 at night, 75 in the morning with the rest below
Effexor 150 mgs
Clonazepam 4 mgs
Gabapentin 500 mgs
What I’m taking now:
Effexor 150 mgs
Clonazepam 2 mgs
I look at that and don’t even know how I functioned, it is no wonder I’m having some issues getting myself on track, and feeling overwhelmed by feelings. On one hand I know I’m being too hard on myself even in the areas where I’ve made a complete fool of myself but on the other hand, shit seeing it in writing I still can’t not be proud. It was at the end of May that I took the last of the gabapentin, I can’t remember when I took the very last 25 mgs of seroquel but it was this year, my last prescription [beginning June] of clonazepam was the first one filled at 2 mgs.
Even when I was on that extreme amount of medication I would still get depressed and I’ve been trying different combinations for years and nothing was working, I was tired and sleeping all the time so it was time for a big change and that change was basically attempting to take life by the balls. In some ways I’ve become more reclusive and closed off than ever and in some I’ve opened myself up too much and gotten myself smashed in the face with short lived friendships where there seemed to be potential but in trying to navigate new situations in my life I’ve found I’m getting carried away easily and where I have completely learned how to not over share in certain areas I’ve now found myself still pushing people away by simply over sharing in new previously not over shared areas. Right, that wasn’t the point of that exercise, I’m re-evaluating and starting over on that one.
Given that I’ve always cherished my alone time I also didn’t realize until very recently that spending so much time alone with Adam having been away working for months now [only home on weekends] and the fact the he will be gone for a few more that spending THIS much time alone is starting to bring out behaviours I’ve never even seen in myself before and they are proving to be extremely unhealthy and damaging to me. It isn’t that I don’t have people to spend time with, I have loads of things I could be doing but being on less medication hasn’t really changed my leaving the house problems and that has unfortunately always been one of the harder things for friends to be supportive of.
I’m thankful that I make a point not to regret things in life even with the fuck-ups I’ve made that I can’t yet laugh at, they do make me wanna hide in here, but even on the really really bad days I know how hard I’m working even if it feels like I’m losing more than I’m gaining right now. I told myself I was going be to be gentle with myself today when I went to bed last night because I deserve it and woke up kicking the shit out of myself, it has taken me most of the day to calm myself down but I did it. I haven’t ended up being that gentle with myself today, but I still set the intent and I will set it again for tomorrow.
