One hundred and eighty degrees

Published on March 18, 2009 by Corinna Carlson | 14 Comments

On Monday I got an email from my mom but I didn’t read it, I read it Tuesday mid-morning and it basically said that she is going back to Bali. Back to my dad, apparently it is harder than she thought it would be to leave and forty years is a long time.

I get that, but I don’t get it.  I guess I’m just supposed to be happy that my parents aren’t getting a divorce. But I’m still ambivalent except it hurts now deep in my gut whereas before I didn’t know how I felt all I could muster was hyper to mask whatever my head thought was coming, or maybe I subconsciously knew all a long.

I feel so many things right now; I know after doing this that I am capable of great things, turns out I made ONE mistake in the three weeks of planning of the entire mission and it was very minor.

I’m just now, today starting to get upset and deal with it, I’ve started to cry once or twice but quickly stopped, I’m not ready. They are going to get counseling but I’ve heard that one before too.

She has said thank you as much as she can with words for getting her out of Bali and I am thankful as all get out that I asked Foreign Affairs to get her to sign a sheet of paper witnessed by someone from the Australian Embassy stating that she was leaving of her own accord because I know he’ll claim that getting her out of there was all my fault as well. I think that is why I’m getting upset, the stuff he said to me was so evil I passed out, as I’ve mentioned, and I still worked 24/7 I’ve never done something so selfless and I did it for someone who up until maybe a month ago would have never done anything like this for us, not in a million years.

I won’t be able to get her out again when it happens again and it will, it isn’t like I’m best friends with the dude at Foreign Affairs and can just call him up and over beers say oh by the way my mom is stuck in Bali again. He’s in Ottawa but seriously I did it for nothing all those people worked their asses off for me for nothing.

And the worst is this puts a wedge back between us, how can it not, and I will not be forced into a relationship with either of them, as a unit or separately I’m not putting myself through this again I am almost thirty two years old they had nineteen years to build a relationship with me and they didn’t so retire and have fun in Bali and LEAVE ME OUT OF YOUR SHIT.

  • http://bumperstickerbuddhas.blogspot.com Jack Smynde

    Damn it all to hell, C; you need a fucking break from your family and all this bullshit. I hurt for you. You pour everything into this, keeping your eye on the glimmer of hope, then, poof, all gone. Fuckin-A.

  • http://fortheloveofrocks.blogspot.com MAJA

    fucking hell.

  • Rhonda

    I go away for five short days and….wow, I know you are finding this really tough (who wouldn’t anyways) but take some time to take a step back and think about what you have been through and how great (mostly) you have been able to handle yourself (and abc of course) through this! You have done amazing girl!!!

  • http://www.phaeds.blogspot.com Phaedra

    this is such a touchy subject, I wouldn’t even know where to start, so I won’t. Just know Adam and Corinna that you have as much love and support as I can give from across the pond. This is a time for you guys to take care of self. hugs from me and bobby :)

  • http://www.opheliamourne.com/ Ophelia Mourne

    I can see why its hard for her to leave him, its a codependent relationship, which makes it even more intense because they have been married so long.
    But holy wow what a waste of time on yours and Adams behalf.
    Well I guess its all about being selfish from now on. Think only of yourself and Adam, it will be healing for you.

  • http://www.stu-stusplace.blogspot.com stu

    There comes a point when saying leave me out of it is really all you can do.

  • Roxanne

    I don’t often comment, but I read every post. I have to say that the last line in this one is the healthiest, smartest thing you’ve written about this. They’ve actually had 32 years to build a relationship with you and instead have chosen to make their “Days of Our Lives” drama the focus. Their relationship is their relationship and they need to leave you out of it.

    Peace to you.

  • Christopher B

    This kind of stuff makes me want to avoid helping people. Ugh.

    I think you and Adam deserve a load of FUN right now.

  • Capegirl

    I guess when we help somebody we need to do it despite what they choose to do with that help-that is true kindness but this was so much moh than a flat tyre for you and adam both sigh and shesh just concentrate on your own life and let them do the same-boundary setting is so healthy in human relationships

  • http://cjscrisis.blogspot.com C.J ‘Crackers and Mad Knackers’ Hixon

    @ All Butterfly Crisps – I al ways thought that when the time comes for me to slip this mortal coil I’d want either Mr T or Joe Pasquale to narrate my Biography.

    @ CC xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    @Gus Wallychops would like to know if your arm pits smell like gravy?

  • http://sarahlaughs.blogspot.com sarah

    (oh man)

    you got a lot of family right there in ABC4 Corinna.

    xx

  • http://gusgreeper.com abc4

    this all just makes me want to piss on somebodys flowers, you know, like you feel when the world doesnt make sense, what you were told no longer applies, and the driver is in the back of the winnebago making a sandwich but you are too upset to run to the wheel, you just let the car crash. there is so much of this that i dont understand, but now i just dont want to. there is no explanation that will sate me here, the process has left me reeling. i feel how it has affected me for the better, but all the other shit is just bad news right now. nothing more to do, nun cant be done, not right now. so for now, i shake my head.
    at least we got to kick ass on a global scale tho, am i right?
    also, those long flights inevitably make you think of your own death, and while i was up there, i decided that if i die in a spectacular way i would like peter graves to narrate my biography.

  • http://gunson.ca/blog gillian

    I didn’t go through anything near this traumatic, but my mom and stepdad split up for a time and Mom went a bit nuts and didn’t eat for a month. Then my stepdad changed his mind about wanting a divorce and she took him back, even when she found out he cheated. Those of us who were supportive of my mom during the break suddenly found ourselves forgotten, as if nothing had happened. Mom lost friends over this, I didn’t speak to my stepdad for the better part of a year, and it was quite a few years before Mom and I were close again.

    I hope you can move on from this and realize that none of this was your fault, and you were a good daughter to both of them.

  • http://www.urbanista.ca/ MJ Ankenman

    Wow……..