this is my heart bleeding

Published on July 30, 2010 by Corinna Carlson | 18 Comments

I don’t even know where to start, or what to say. Hold On by Tom Waits is playing and the lyrics

when there’s nothing left to keep you here, when you’re falling behind in this big blue world

will not stop running through my mind. That song was on our wedding CD and it took me years to realize exactly why Adam had put it on there. It wasn’t as obvious as his other Waits pick, Blind Love.

There are obviously things that I have for the most part chosen to not get into on my blog. Mainly my marriage but I fucked up really bad. I did something horrible. I more than hate myself right now. I’ve been granted forgiveness from Adam but forgiving myself and the other person isn’t coming so easily.

We are just like any other couple, we aren’t perfect. I love Adam more than anything on earth. I can’t even picture my life without him, we’re talking about a man who in 2003 picked me up from my psychiatrist’s office for our second date. But we still have some serious issues.

I met Adam after a year of events so fucked up I was still recovering but I was doing fine in general and I wasn’t suffering from any post traumatic stress anymore and I also wasn’t looking for love and so when we started to walk past each other on our way to work. Things happened to put us where we were at the times we were, it was just one of those things I guess. And I remember that I trusted him almost right away and I honestly can not say there are very many people I trust, period. I never worried if he would call me, I never doubted if he was into me I never had any anxiety I just knew.

This has already been a whirlwind of a year, we’ve been working hard on keeping it together financially and I was happy or as happy as I ever can be, for a while, for longer than I ever remember being before. When I was in Bali last September I felt better about myself than I think I ever have, I missed Adam like mad, but there are things that happened there that reassured me that the odd feeling I was having was indeed a form of happiness. Sure my temper still reared and rears its ugly head at times but I have had so much peace come into my life in that last few months that I never saw coming, situations I thought were never going to end, resolutions were found, because that is who I am, I am forgiving almost to a fault.

I’ve been able to keep pretty happy, until now. And instead of doing what I always do which is fucking talk about it, or write about it, I let it allow me to do something that isn’t me, that isn’t who I have ever been. I told Adam everything that happened because I have always told him everything. We haven’t been married seven years but we’ve been together for seven years and a lot of shit happens in seven years and with the combination of our pasts we’ve ended up in a tough spot and I handled it in a way I never saw coming.

I am so lucky to have a man who stays with me when I am so damaged. When I fight suicidal thoughts almost daily, I fight them fucking hard, I talk about it, because the tattoo for the friend I lost is on my fucking arm and there is a fighter in there somewhere who does not want to die but my brain won’t shut the mother fuck up. And having lost someone to suicide I need to be able to say “I can’t stop thinking about just renting a car and driving away and doing what PH did” and you don’t even want to know about the other demons haunting my head. Adam is always there for me, I don’t even know why, I don’t. He has seen me almost unconscious and put into an ambulance and I could have once again died because I’m a fucked up freak.

I knew that I was in a weak place re: my last post and what happened which was not an internet bully situation left me pretty upset, I have been told by more than just my psychiatrist that the way I was treated would mess up someone who suffers from no mental illness. I allowed myself to be vulnerable where I generally never ever allow myself to be and the fallout from the biggest mistake I have ever made – and I guess I should at least say that NO I did not sleep with anyone, I know this is a cryptic post but more than just my feelings and emotions have been affected by what happened.

And then I made it worse in the most idiotic moment of insecurity I ended up making myself look like someone that is so far from who I am that I’m having trouble even processing some of the cruelty that was tossed my way today. Shit happens in life it is what you do to fix it that really matters and when the other person refuses to take responsibility for their actions and puts it all on me I’m not going to fucking take it. It takes two to tango and I’m quite frankly sickened by the attitude of the person. I say really stupid shit when I’m hurt and upset and I was hurt and upset and confused and that lead to me being called so many things I again just don’t believe I’m needed here. I’m horrible, I hurt my husband. But I resent people who will not take responsibility for their actions it drives me insane. Of course I know I can’t make anyone do anything, people do what they want to do when they want to do it, I learned that lesson years ago. But it doesn’t make it any easier. The things that were said to me today I may have deserved at the time but it was the first time I think maybe ever where I felt helpless in the sense that someone, anyone, thinks that I am a terrible, horrible person. I hate myself enough I just don’t need it. I thought I was making a new friend, I thought no matter what happened that this person was at least my friend, although a new friend, still a friend.

I fucked up, bad, in a lot of ways. I’m really struggling, I’ve been hiding it, I was afraid to admit I was starting to slip emotionally because I have been able to handle everything that has been thrown my way better than I ever have before and there have been genuine moments when I’ve been proud of myself, and I just took a million steps back and I hurt, Adam hurts and I know we will get through this, that has already been discussed and as I’ve mentioned before nothing is posted on this blog that Adam doesn’t read or edits before it goes up. I will learn a lot from this, I believe very strongly that whether it is a positive or negative situation that comes into my life that it holds lessons that I must find. Every person I meet is a teacher of sorts. Some are seriously shitty ones, but man do I learn a lot from the douche bags and bitches. Thankfully there are no bitches in my life at present.

I was already being eaten alive by my anxiety because of the bullying trigger and I fucking hate myself for showing weakness in a place that I’ve never shown it before. I’m just sorry, sorry I did what I did, sorry I’m being so misunderstood, sorry I’m alive. I know I have it good but the smorgasbord of triggers I’ve had is bowling me over. I’m hanging on for dear life right now. I see my shrink again on Monday because I’m on a suicide watch of sorts which is even MORE fun for Adam. yeah worst fucking wife in the world award.

So, I guess, go a head, let me have it, I deserve it.

  • http://thefunkybee.blogspot.com theFunkyBee

    Hang in there C. I don’t know what to say but just remember, you have an awesome husband that cares about you so much. That you couldn’t live without. Stay strong for each other. XO

  • http://www.phaeds.blogspot.com Phaedra

    Sorry I cannot be there for you guys right now as I am going through my own shit pile right but now if you guys can communicate honestly about this, you will get through it. True love does conquer all. Love each other, and yourself. xox

  • http://blog.mikebrowne.com/ Mike Browne

    I’m a person who has made some serious F ups in life. People have been badly hurt by shenanigans. That is far, far in the past now. Even though I have set things straight with as many of these folks as I can, every now and again I get a bit of a twinge to remind me what I used to be like.

    A wise person once told me that it’s good that one feels badly about doing something shitty. It shows we’re actual humans making human mistakes and not guiltless sociopaths thoughtlessly bulldozing our way through everyones lives. And hopefully, this feeling leads us in the direction of not doing it again. That’s why it’s there.

    I’ve tended toward using my past mistakes as an excuse to beat myself up or even attempt to destroy myself. I hope that doesn’t happen for you, but if it does know this — you are one of us fallible humans and you belong here as much as any of the rest of us.

    Chin up. You’ve got lots of people pulling for you. :)

  • http://gusgreeper.com Corinna

    the out pouring of support from the comments, the post @kenzie20 wrote, the emails, the DMs and the @’s on Twitter, it has helped a lot. im still absolutely sick over what i did but to know that im supported no matter what by a shit load of people who mean a lot to me is really exactly what i need right now and i can’t thank you all enough.

  • http://sassy-red-head.livejournal.com/ Tiana

    Whatever it was that happened, Adam forgave you, it’s in the past, try and move forward being the person you truly are. Everyone slips up sometimes.

    xoTi

  • paul

    you know what you deserve? you deserve to have a chance to fix things.

    you and adam are both kind, giving and awesome. and you’re included in “you and adam”. yes you did something wrong, but now you’ve got to work to fix it – and you’re working on that.

  • http://www.liquidinspirationpodcast.com/ C.J ‘Check your boxers at the door’ Hixon

    Alter Blind Corneas is a legend, You are a legend, Gus is a legend.

    You’ll be fine. I know this because I myself, am indeed a legend also.

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  • B

    HI sweetie

    I am glad to read all the wonderful comments above. Like I told you today so many people care about you and love you. These people are the ones that you have to remember, when their are people that you meet that don’t quite get it. You have to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to be the way that you want them to be, or react to you the way you hope. Being an emotional person can be good and bad sometimes I guess. I beleive the fact that you have strong emotions and care so much makes you someone incredibly special. I too wear my heart on my sleeve as you know. But I truly beleive that is such an important part of us.

    Everyone has their own way have dealing with awkward or uncomfortable situations. You and I we need to talk it out. Why not! It’s extremely important to clear the air. Others need to hold it in and avoid confrontation. I don’t think this is wrong, I just think it’s thier way. Bottom line….We can’t change them. Take a hold of what you have, cherish the people who love you, be kind to the man that has seen you through the most. You will will end up that strong, vibrant woman that I know is inside of you waiting to shine. I am very proud of you sweetie.

    B

  • Spockette

    Call me anytime you need to talk, okay. I’m only 15 minutes away if you want some company. Adam loves you very much. I know this for a fact. You’ll get through this. You both will.

  • http://www.blog.anthonywittrock.com Anth (@texameradian)

    Corrina,

    I don’t know how to start, I don’t know how to begin, nor do I know how to end so I’m just going to go into it. I know that you are not a horrible person. You are one of the most loving, considerate, kind and compassionate people I have met on Twitter. I know your love runs deep for your husband Adam and I know his love for you runs deeply too. It is genuine love. You are both amazing people that I have come to love.

    I know this is awkward and possibly creepy coming from a person you haven’t yet met. Your friendship and compassion has met a lot to me in the past month. Your kindness has been a blessing in disguise. You both have. Please remember, I’m always a phone call away.

    I’m here for you and always will be. *Hugs*

  • http://www.sams-stories.com sam

    I love you man. You’re doing the best you can. It’s okay.

  • http://alah13.tumblr.com Alex (@A_LAH)

    I dont know quite what your blog was about cuz of the crypticness of it, but whatever happend im glad your ok. If you EVER need an outside/3rd party to talk to about stuff Kenz and I are ALWAYS here.

    I have had to talk a friend down from suicide before, not saying that what you did, im just saying that I have been there for friends who had no one else, cuz they were worth it. YOU ARE SOOOOO WORTH IT HUN!

    Like i said Im glad ur ok, and that you and Adam are ok, but plz dont ever leave us, especialy me and Kenz. I know we just met not to long ago, but you and Adam are just waaay to awesome and wonderful for me and Kenz to not have you in our lives. I just wanted you to know that. (BIG HUGS)

  • http://www.twitter.com/kenzie20 Kenzie (@Kenzie20)

    Um, I wrote a novel and posted it here: http://kenezbian.livejournal.com/47019.html – whoops.

    Also: <3

  • http://theemperorhasnotoque.blogspot.com/ steven schwartz

    Hi My Dear Dear Friend,

    I do not use the term dear friend lightly, you and Adam I consider not only my friends but family, you have stuck by me, welcomed me into your lives and home to share coffee, laughs, emotions and monkeys.
    I do not need to know the details of what transpired or with whom because really I am here for you and Adam.
    What I do know is how my brain sees and makes me act also i was in a long relationship. Mine like yours was one of one person me with a mind like yours and a wife JJ with a mind like Adams. I was and am in a lot of ways you.
    I fucked up lots, really really bad stuff and JJ may have gotten mad, and frustrated but she stuck by me to the bitter end. She did not have to mind you she could have cut and run but she did not. Adam loves you the way JJ loved me. It is not blind love there is not such thing. JJ got more good from me than bad, my crazy was out weighed by the things that i gave her, and to this day I am still not sure what they were.
    My point is, you are loved, and loved deeply, not blindly no that is a farce you give him what he needs and that is YOU!!!! warts and all YOU!!. You may not get it, know why or feel you deserve this love, and that is ok right now, you have known why and will again, right now not so much and that is the beauty of that kind of love it really needs no instructions, descriptions it just is…..pure… fucked up at times but pure…

    This love is not only from Adam his is different than others but you give others things that need no appologies or excuses. I get a lot of love from you, always and whenever I need it, real friendship. I ask you for nothing but for you to be you, again warts and all. Because that is the friend i know and love. I am sure I am not alone in this feeling.

    You will always piss some folks off and cause crap in and around life…everyone does you just feel it more and own it more in your heart. What at the end of the day really is true is, people love you, want you in their lives and need you…warts and all.
    Allow yourself to forgive yourself, Adam has, and that is what matters. Life has a fucked up way of working itself out, it beats us first but we usually roll out the other side, scared, hungry, dizzy but know there are people on the other side waiting to help you up.
    I will sit with you any time day or night, cant sleep calll me we will sit outside and talk. I just finished exiting my emotional car wash with only the help of friends who love me warts and all, a lot of pharmaceuticals and some 110 v medicine. but it was the friends who like YOU who made the difference for me. I love you my friend and my life is better, smarter and funnier with YOU in it.

  • http://www.runningscared.ca LindsayDianne

    You know how I know that you’re not the worst wife in the world? Because you’re having a rough time, but rather than being completely focused on that, you’re worried for him and what he’s feeling.
    There are plenty of bad wives who use their husbands for anything they want, while offering no support and thinking only of themselves.
    You’re a a great person. He knows that and loves you for it. . I’m here if you need someone to talk to.

  • http://enigmatic.org Amber

    hey, lets chat online this weekend if you can. I think we have more in common than you think. love.

  • http://lolebrity.net raincoaster

    Look, whether you believe it or not, you’re a good person. Even good people occasionally do bad things, or they wouldn’t be good people; they’d be perfect people, and perfect people don’t exist.

    You do deserve a husband like Adam and every time you think you don’t, I’ll be there to remind you that you do. If you can’t feel it inside then just take my word for it and try to function as if it’s true and sooner or later, you’ll know it is.

  • Rhonda

    Wishing I could be there for you two right now!