fifty ways to leave your fifty hoes in fifty different area codes
have you ever wondered why paul simon only gives us these 5 ways to leave your lover in a song inaptly named 50 ways to leave your lover�?
so did we.
wonder no more. in honour of Halloween and our sick minds having nothing better to do, ABC and i bring you what we feel paul simon MAY have chosen as possible ways.
Paul Simon’s Original Ways
you just slip out the back, jack
make a new plan, stan
you don’t need to be coy, roy
just get yourself free
hop on the bus, gus
you don’t need to discuss much
just drop off the key, lee
and get yourself free
45 Additional Ways
shoot her in the face, ace
leave on a jet plane, jane
cut off his leg, greg
hammer in her brain, raine
lock him in the morgue, borg
stick her with a sword, gord
bite off his cock, spock
stick her with a shank, frank
cook fatty foods, contributing to his heart disease, louise
whack her with a bat, pat
have an affair, clare
bop her car with a glock, doc
feed him to a demon, eamonn
hit him with a brick, rick
cast him into hell, nell
grind her flesh into macaroni, tony
push him off his bike, mike
snip her e-brake, jake
weld closed her flu, lou
toss a grenade, jade
bomb her, dahmer
hire a hitman, fran
leave her in a ditch, mitch
lock him in the sauna, lana
stab her in the ass, cass
give him ebola, lola
freeze her in ice, bryce
throw him in the cage with a baaaadaassss panda, miranda
leave her in a gator�s death roll, joel
have his murder committed by people in your commune, june
tie him to a sled, fred
club her with an ancient artifact at the museum, liam
hang him from a tree, marie
make her watch Full House, clause
give her crabs, babs
take a dump on her rug, doug
drop him off a bridge, midge
poke out his eye, di
fuck him to death, beth
kill her in the sack, zach
beat him with a lock in a sock, tupac
ditch her at the mall, jamal
clock her with your sand wedge, reg
leave her at the altar, walter
show him the guillotine, eileen
October 30th, 2005 at 8:52 pm
Make fun of alopecia, Moesha.
October 30th, 2005 at 11:06 pm
That was hilarious and VERY clever, Trevor. I like how you think, Pink…I wish I had your brain, Elaine…I’ve probably said that before, Lenore.
October 31st, 2005 at 12:41 am
Should’ve been Just have a wank Frank.
No need to be gay Ray.
etc etc…….
Arrr
October 31st, 2005 at 5:22 am
jab her in the eye, Guy
kick in her in the tits, Fritz
October 31st, 2005 at 5:55 am
you’re my kind of sick chick.
October 31st, 2005 at 6:20 am
I’m making everyone call me Doug now!!!
Make her pick a fight with Adrian Adonis, Bonis.
Have her attacked by geese, Buice. (you know how ornery geese are!)
Make her fall off a trapeze, Buise.
Put her in a deep freeze, Booese.
Make her drink gnu piss, Buis.
Drown her in grease, Booice.
YUH! Just kick her ass BOOIS!
October 31st, 2005 at 7:13 am
HA!!! My favorite has to be “cook fatty foods, contributing to his heart disease, louise” CRUEL!
October 31st, 2005 at 9:21 am
Wow, thank god we have you for this.
October 31st, 2005 at 10:18 am
These are super funny
great way to spend a sunday
October 31st, 2005 at 11:39 am
Now that’s some clever shite! Don’t ask me why but I was getting flash backs of Garbage Pale kids…do you remember those? weird…great post!
October 31st, 2005 at 11:56 am
love this corrinna!!
happy halloween!
October 31st, 2005 at 1:53 pm
that just rocks!! heheh! that was awesome!!
October 31st, 2005 at 2:43 pm
Bravisimo. Great pondering.
Did you write these, GusGreeper? If so, double bravisimo!
October 31st, 2005 at 3:31 pm
I’m disappointed in Spock. Biting off a cock is not only not logical, it’s just not cricket.
Great list!!
October 31st, 2005 at 3:34 pm
educational indeed
October 31st, 2005 at 3:43 pm
just say goodbye.. frye.
“leave her in a gator’s death roll, joel”
&
“have his murder committed by people in your commune, june”
the 2nd one because my bro-in-law’s mom’s name is june and their religion resembles a CULT.
October 31st, 2005 at 4:34 pm
i think that you should have teamed up with paul simon. Garfunkle puts the art in fart. so what, right?
but then maybe i should grow a nice big perm afro and you can do spock hair cause thats kinda what pauly looks like, and i can wear really tight stonewash jeans and a windbreaker. we will be the best collaboration since fish an chips yesss!!!
but sometimes tartar sauce is yummy… but not like aaaall the time.
ayebody sez bad things, drown ‘em in sauce, hawse.
October 31st, 2005 at 8:11 pm
awesome i’d been waiting for that
October 31st, 2005 at 10:41 pm
ABC kills me. go perm afro go! ha!
October 31st, 2005 at 11:48 pm
the funny thing is, after all that laughing, now I have “come on, eileen” in my head… but not the gwen version, the non-lamb 80s brit pop trash shite.
November 1st, 2005 at 1:19 am
geno geno geno geno geno!!
No Dexy’s bashing here S.V.P
i saw Motorhead last night and im still alive!!
what are the chances of that happening?
November 1st, 2005 at 2:08 am
club her with an ancient artifact at the museum, liam.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
precious.
November 1st, 2005 at 5:48 am
I LOVE THIS…it’s inspired!
Heart disease…Louise?!
I’m dying here!
November 1st, 2005 at 10:08 am
Those are hilarious. Incidentally (and quite irrelevant), that was the first song I ever learned to sing at the age of 2.
What about…
Shit. I got nothin’.
November 1st, 2005 at 4:27 pm
I never wondered why he only listed five…hee hee…I actually never really noticed, but obviously he’s not as creative and talented as you are, my dear.
November 1st, 2005 at 6:08 pm
I’m still at my office at 9pm and really needed this! Dump on the rug.
Piss in her bed, Fred. Let your puss get loosey, um, Lucy!
November 17th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
Drink My Piss…
Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me :)…
December 16th, 2007 at 6:57 am
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