“here by my side, an angel”
I was in a funk– not a serious one just a couldn’t get up before 11am for a couple of weeks.
Normally February is such a hard month for me anyway that with the added surgery and over a full month of pain killers when I came down off all that shit I crashed a little mentally.
I did some strange shit but I did not commit any crimes or hurt anyone accept maybe some feelings and I was rude to some jerks. But really I was a big cry baby and stopped answering my phone [again or as usual??] didn’t sign into msn, played hours of Tiger Woods 2006 and just in general felt sorry for myself for the majority of March until Sunday the 19th.
But I LOST February and was alone through the majority of my recovery so is this not FAIR??? A friend of mine killed himself a few Februarys a go and I haven’t written about it because it sucked and it sucks every year to remember and go through because then I also have to go through my failed attempt over AGAIN and seeing it and knowing it from both sides is really fucking hard.
Maybe I’m never really THERE for the month of February.
You know the butterfly/scull part of my tattoo it is for him and me. The scull represents him because he is DEAD and we went to see Crossroads together STARING Britney Spears so I didn’t think he’d mind if it was PINK and he loved GUS and he was FRENCH from FRANCE but loved Lance Armstrong?? He is why I LOVE Lance Armstrong. His full name was Pierre-Henri Cade. February 4th 2003. Gone. He used to ride his bike next to me on the trails in Stanley Park during my runs so I wouldn’t get abducted and bought me books all the time and brought me coffee to my work, he believed in me so much and in my writing and I haven’t met too many people as fucking awesome as he was. The scull also represents my botched attempt and how I fight suicidal thoughts daily. It reminds me that HE didn’t make it– the butterfly is ME because I FUCKING DID. The eyes are because I KNOW he is watching me and because after he killed himself I went through a MAJOR selfish period where all I could think about was how I COULD NOT KILL MYSELF NOW because he did and it would be like the fucking Virgin Suicides or something except we are older and not related but then WHO WOULD BE NEXT??? Fucked I know but grieving is fucked.
He never left a note, not even for his girlfriend or family. We got a translated– beyond touching letter from his parents and that is it they know no more than we do.
I have my theories but they are mine.
Tattooing my CAT on my arm has nothing to do with PH it is simply a representation of the ONE steady and constant thing I have had since her arrival in 1994 [other than the almost three years with Adam] who has never judged me and loves me and will still sit with me when I haven’t showered or changed my underwear in five + days. The early days in 1996 when I moved out here where some of the loneliest, cold and near homeless [considering what I was living in] times ever. My cat fucking rules and if she could talk I bet she’d say I’m the BEST MOM EVER.
WOW good thing I’m out of my ‘funk’.
January 23rd, 2008 at 6:41 pm
[…] not going to say that nothing shocks me. That would be a blatant lie. But in February 2003 when I lost a close friend to suicide parts of my life changed forever and with no note and with his closest friends unaware […]