I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex boyfriend before Adam. We broke up, or he dumped me at 1075 West Georgia on the side walk by saying he was so OVER me he didn’t even want to have SEX with me anymore. This was April 2003 and Adam and I met in September 2003 or rather started dating in September we’d already been ‘seeing’ each other for weeks maybe even months.
I will call him ‘too clean’ because his nickname was the complete opposite and no matter what I call him some people are going to know who I’m talking about anyway.
While we were dating too clean said that he would never ever want to know me off medication. ??
I’d only had ONE genuinely kick ass boyfriend at this point in my life, someone I’m still friends with today and he did save my life and he knows it, he and Adam have met and I can guarantee you Adam is more thankful for my knowing him than ever being jealous because if it weren’t for this man there never could have been an Adam.
Back to too clean. You’d think I would have dumped HIM the second those words left his mouth but I dated him at one of my lowest and most pathetic points when he dumped me on Georgia Street I’d been on medication for years, since 2000 but I was just without my even knowing it about to enter a phase that was genuinely going to help me, a phase by the name of Dr. Buttle who I’d say is a lot more than a phase but whatever I’m too lazy to reword that. I’d pretty much given up on therapy but had a good family Dr. at the time so I was willing to try this guy out. I wouldn’t have to pay and it was no more of this group therapy or psychologist shit that I’d have rather shit all over than actually gotten real about.
When I met too clean I’d been through some heavy trauma earlier in the year and more was coming and I was already suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety so bad that when he’d chant CHEESE BURGERS CHEESE BURGERS CHEESE BURGERS in my face I wanted to smash his fucking face in with cheese burgers because I LOVE cheese burgers but it felt like there was a metal bar across my throat and I’d eat if I COULD. That is how I have always described my anxiety because I’m not anorexic and I’m not bulimic but if I have anxiety past a certain degree eating becomes a challenge not worth even attempting. I had never suffered anxiety a day in my life until I was sexually assaulted in my own home. It has now become what seems like a permanent fixture to my depression.
I’m the type of person who learns from people, I choose too. I believe that every single person I meet in life whether a good teacher or a bad teacher is a teacher and I can learn something no matter how small. The shit I took and put up with from too clean was so shocking to me that when I actually looked back on it with a clear mind I almost kicked the shit out of myself but at the same time I needed him to realize how fucked up I really was. It didn’t help that the medication I was on at the time, Remeron, was exacerbating ALL of my ‘depression issues’ but because I had a sex drive on it I stayed on it too long and let it drive me more crazy than I already was.
It hit me a couple days a go that I have been really different over the last few months. Not bad different but in some ways totally bad different most good different though and that holy shit this is it no official anti-depressants as of next week and how will I really do once they are fully out of my system. I did go off them before but was off them only two months when I was assaulted and pretty much went STRAIGHT back on.
Adam and I were talking about what too clean said to me and look I already KNOW how rad Adam is but I can bet the last few months haven’t been exactly easy on him I mean shit I have literally no control over my moods while I try and get to know myself again. Because I’m realizing that anti-depressants do nothing for me when it comes to being SAD, being NEEDY, NOT being able to get out of bed some days going to bed while it is still light out that kinda shit but it DID help with my temper and my paranoia. And my paranoia is so fucking bad right now I’m ready to jump back on but I’ve handled the changes in my temper sort of so I THINK I can handle the paranoia but some days it is so bad I take extra anxiety meds and go to bed. I know Adam and I are solid but I never really thought a lot about what too clean said further than it really hurt my feelings when he said it. It never dawned on me that Adam has never known me off my meds. It is funny the things people say to you that don’t matter at all in the bigger picture but bite you in the ass just when you think you are going to make it they pop up just to remind you you aren’t good enough, well fuck you ’cause having had that said to me only makes me want to make it more because Adam deserves the best me there is to be had ON or OFF meds. I still call them my tits I don’t know what the fuck is up with calling them MEDS shit.
I see my Psychiatrist in a few hours I bet I’ll talk about this shit today in an extremely positive way ‘cept the paranoia ‘cause I wanna kill shit right now. EVERYONE DOES NOT HATE ME, NO ONE IS TALKING BAD ABOUT ME THAT I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT. I will say it three times fast.
