Today I have been off my tits for two months and this is an official progress report. As admitted I’m still taking clonazepam but that just keeps me ‘calm’. [sure]
I don’t think it has been long enough to fully predict which way it is going to go. I’m still thinking very positively towards the staying off an actual anti-depressant end but that is all- thinking positively not guaranteeing anything yet. Some days are so bad and so horribly familiar I think it is those around me who benefit the most from my being on tits and I should possibly do them a favor. But although with no consistency or warning I’m being ‘better’ in public and public situations than ever before. I’m being OVERLY nice I hold doors for rude people, I smile instead of glare, I talk to people, I whisper things like HOT and SEXY, HOLY beautiful, nice skirt, great shoes instead of the shameful ridiculous things I used to whisper before, I’m nice to people who aren’t nice to me and can and have killed them with kindness whereas I used to just write them off and gossip about them then and there generally with volume. It is more behind closed doors and with those I’m comfortable letting see me lose my marbles a little who get the worst of it now. I’m obviously good at hiding shit if people don’t even believe I’m shy. I find this incredibly annoying but generally give up trying to convince people of it after they make some comment about my motor mouth. Just because I can easily hold my own in most conversations does not mean for a minute I feel comfortable.
Only problem when I’m nasty in public I’m fucking way worse than before someone is going to punch me it is just a matter of time and I can’t stop myself I get going and I get angry for no reason- feel it necessary to make everyone around me miserable and I get loud and rude and I say too loudly ‘she isn’t seriously wearing a winter SCARF WITH A T-SHIRT, A SKIRT AND SANDALS PLEASE TELL ME SHE ISN’T’??? This rage is so stupid I’m embarrassed to even admit I let it boil my blood and by then I’m in such a state if you even talk to me I WILL take your head off.
This is one of the daily struggles that could be my demise because I need consistency with the anger issues I had that with the anti-depressants. Or I learned it on them. I thought it was something I had learned, I’m not sure if I DID learn it and just need to find the confidence to apply it and just BE ME and FUCK EM ALL or if I really am still completely filled with a rage I have no idea how to control and release in appropriate ways.
The only other thing that is making me think I’m not going to be able to stay off is the paranoia. I was also not aware how much the Effexor helped with that until it was gone.
It is bad. Really bad. High school bad. I worry about everything and I mean everything. I have major feelings of jealous and envy again. I have learned to separate myself from situations that are a conflict of interest to my healing process but again not without paranoia over it. Paranoia causes me to do and say and ask really stupid things. On full anti-depressants I really didn’t give a shit and if I did not so much. It also adds to my trouble leaving the house and I find a million things I have to do and concentration seems like a distant memory. I’ve always been like this though or have been for the last few years, I think I’m just more aware of it right now. I know that it’s related to my OCD and ADD, ADHD- whatever label you want to give it- I’m on it.
I’m still completely depressed in general but the drugs never helped that anyway if I spend a week, a month etc. having to force myself out of bed I spend it that way on or off medication that has not changed it is not worse or better.
I have been told that I am ‘calmer’ in person and I was surprised. I had noticed but like I said there is no consistency to it YET.
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Caring is Sharing
