I crashed. Mentally. Pretty bad. I felt it coming while we were in Mexico and remember wondering what the fuck was going on �cause WHY would I be depressed on va-fucking-cation. And I tried to fight it off and I couldn�t. I�ve been putting off writing about it but the rage has been making its way through on other posts. I can�t even read them. And then I plummeted so far so fast I couldn�t even sit here long enough to get the fear that I wasn�t going to make it out. Right now I�m feeling so much shame, sadness and pain. Cause WHERE DOES DEPRESSION HURT??????????? EVERYWHERE!!!! [fuck I hate that commercial] I failed IN MY MIND because yesterday it was highly recommended by my Psychiatrist [Dr. B] that I start taking a drug called Risperidone. The thing that is really starting to piss me off about these drugs is that the good ol� Doc gives me the details says it is used for people who need help with mood control, extreme rage, paranoia, anxiety severe and psychotic depression that it is something different to try because I don�t find I get depression relief from general anti depressants but there is simply no denying that it did help with my paranoia and rage issues although I am not psychotic. This drug is in the anti psychotic category though which really pisses me off I�m not fucking psychotic and I�m sick of these drugs saying they are for one thing and being used to help another it makes no sense and only makes me hate the whole process of accepting I HAVE TO TAKE something even harder.
But here’s the deal, i got bought a book I think it was for Christmas it is called �The Mind/Mood Pill Book� and if you take any kind of drugs for depression I highly recommend it. Even though there was always the internet to research this shit I put in my body this book has really offered me a feeling of control over the drugs but NOT because I still take the fucking things. [I have taken the book into sessions with me] Dr. B told me the basics about it, I got home read the drugs description and found out all sorts of wonderful bull shit that makes me not want to take it AT ALL but what are the fucking alternatives? I can�t go on like this. I swear to God I feel like I�m going to self combust. I did obviously make progress on the years of anti depressants combined with therapy although not behind closed doors out in public as mentioned I was better but that disappeared and I�ve gone back to a vile evil bitch. Adam said YOU ARE NOT EVIL and I got MAD because HOW can I not be evil when I spew evil from my mouth. EVIL painful shit no one should EVER say. If words could kill I�d be a serial killer. It was like a switch just flipped and I didn�t give a fuck about anything again. I brush my teeth when it feels like peaches are growing on them. Showering. Sure. I don�t care that the kitchen is a disaster, unless I get called for work I sleep most of the day or I stay awake doing something found only in the obsessive compulsive category to occupy my mind but then I get nothing done around the apartment because I know if I stop I�ll either go to bed, start crying or just sit and stare at the TV which will then also bring on crying which generally heads me in the direction of the bed anyway. I can hardly bring myself to leave my home �cept for work and I am cutting people off again, not answering my phone, not returning emails going back to my ultra hermity ways.
I know the last few months haven�t exactly been easy I CAN hear the voice telling me I worked hard I tried I know I did. But I�m really fucking angry I don�t want to be on medication, I don�t want to take a pill to be happy and calm and I feel shame no matter what anyone says because I have to. I hate suffering from this shit so much. I hate trying to hide it; I hate how hard it is for me to have friendships because my moods control me. I hate that I can only work part time. Ok maybe I don�t really hate that one but it does still come with feelings of overwhelming failure and guilt.
When I got over being sick for two full weeks when we got home from Mexico I honestly thought I�d be fine. I really did. I had to turn down work calls when I was sick, I was depressed about that I was depressed about two pretty major although not mentioned on gus greeper �things� in regards to our wedding but I�d only had ONE bad day on the honeymoon but I look back and I can see the exact day it started the exact day I started to head down and there was already no stopping it even had I of gotten home healthy with a non exploding ass I can see looking back it wouldn�t have mattered. Once I was better and could take work calls I did of course, and I convinced myself THAT would help THAT was ALL I needed was to just work. I�d have my motivation back; I�d snap out of it and go on medication freeeeeeeeeeeee. Not so much.
Between the blood boiling the snapping heads off the tiredness I can�t kick, the insane paranoia and the uncontrollable crying I can�t do it.
People, Dr. B included don�t understand why I suddenly am so anti tits. He even asked me why it is that someone who suffers from high blood pressure just takes their meds goes on with their life and that is that and I said because that person can talk about high blood pressure anywhere they want and they aren�t judged they aren�t looked at as weak, no one cares. It may be getting better but depression is judged, misunderstood and yes HURTS EVERYONE around you.
If this shit works maybe I will be singing a different tune in a few days but the last few weeks have been hell I can�t even remember the last time I was so depressed I could not even form coherent sentences. I�ve been answering 90% of the questions asked me with I don�t give a fuck so I�m going to go take my new mood stabilizer now- my new tits- so I can be a part of normal society again whatever that fuck that even is.
