Ever since I got married I have become even more of a recluse and even more unreliable when it comes to making plans and things in my everyday life. I used to be a really reliable person and am still always there if someone needs me needs me but as far as seeing and spending time with my friends my world is almost strictly on-line and even there I am lacking in email responses and sending emails period and etc. I never answer my phone anyway so that doesn’t count I don’t even know why because I used to love the phone I talked on it endlessly then I had a job where people swore at me on the phone and yelled at me and since then I have wanted nothing to do with it and my friends do not normally call to yell and swear at me so it must be related to my antisocial ness and that is also an excuse. People who have known me a long time know I mean nothing by it but it frustrates them none the less. I have never been the type of person who wants to talk to anyone EVERY day. Cept for Adam. I have a really hard time with close interpersonal relationships so I don’t see a problem going a few days weeks or months with little or no contact. The narcissist in me just expects people to get that. I tend to let people down a lot and cancel at the last minute but at the time I make the plans I honestly believe I can and will participate in them and then as the date quickly approaches I come up sometimes legitimate excuses to miss whatever it is or sometimes I just don’t go because I feel I physically can’t and lets face it I am just a canceler. I am never surprised when people cancel on me and generally expect it due to my behavior and wonder why people put up with me.
See, I don’t like going to other peoples places because of my social anxiety and my OCD issues. I can hide both I just get sick of it. And during the week I HATE having people come over because I like to go to bed [very] early and feel rude. On weekends I don’t mind but I am a very crap hostess and generally forget to even offer my friends water when they come over and sometimes I feel anxious when I start to get tired and want people to leave, I believe that must be common feeling though, not knowing how to get people the hell out of your home when you are DONE hostessesssing. In my [i]personal[/i] life you could say I have a problem leaving my house at times but I’ve starting writing lists and they really help me get the hell out of here. I checked off almost all of today’s things and moved some to tomorrow.
I like to be a hermit but it has made me become a little flakey, and I really never used to be a flakey, brush you off kind of person unless I hate you but I think it is also getting married related. I lived alone for a very long time with a cat before settling down and being an only child I have never minded being alone unless I had just been dumped and was suffering a broken heart. It makes being a good friend hard though sometimes and I feel genuinely bad about that a lot more than my friends probably realize about the canceling all the time and etc, but I am FULL of excuses. If my friends lives were in constant crisis I’d be the best friend ever because I am a very good problem solver / advice giver. (WHEN ASKED or NEEDED)
I am very selfish as you can see by the above but we sometimes become what we learn growing up and I was very alone growing up and hated it and now as an adult I love it and am going through the realization that now I will never be alone because Adam promised me HE WILL NEVER DIE and so I feel stuck. Not stuck with him just stuck trying to start my new path as Mrs. Carlson who doesn’t have to be hermitty like Ms. Liscumb but so far I just want to stay in and be married and play Guitar Hero and it is nothing personal and friends in my life who suffer from depression also do this avoidance shit to me too and I get mad and then I remember I do it to them so isn’t that proof that it isn’t personal? It would just be a lot more fun if I didn’t feel guilty about it because the novelty is not wearing off but it gets really lonely too.
This post has been brought to you by the word GUILT.
