And I don’t even own a scale
On Saturday morning an invitation came in on Facebook for my girlfriend Bonny’s birthday. Every year we have our birthdays two days apart. I generally go out for her birthday. But this year I realized I had nothing to wear. But not only did I have nothing to wear nothing I own fits so I couldn’t even pretend to pull off an outfit and I also did not want to wear what I am going to wear for my birthday which will still fit because it was a bit big before.
Having issues with fit is nothing new to me. But in the last seven or so years I have gone from being a size zero and weighing between 100 and 108 lbs to now weighing close to 130 lbs. Due to the stress brought on by our wedding I was very small again when we got married, around 115 lbs. Since the wedding I have gone through A LOT of mental shit but in a lot of ways am feeling comfortable in my life like never before and also being on three medications for depression I’ve put on close to another 15 lbs. Basically when I would fluctuate back and forth between too thin and 115 lbs I could make my closet work there was a enough variety. But now that I have passed 120 lbs other than t-shirts and my size medium underwear nothing fits. This would be perfect if only underwear were considered short shorts and it was a tiny bit warmer here year round. I have been living in yoga pants and track pants, they stretch.
I really don’t give a shit what size you are when your body starts to change in a not so sexy way in your opinion or you put on weight it is hard to stomach and I’m having a lot of trouble looking at my body in the mirror and not saying horrid things about it. When I was a youngin’ I was picked on CONSTANTLY for being ‘too thin’. I was called every name in the book. I had no tits, I somehow always had a butt on me though. But kids are relentless and I almost got beat up once for saying that my jeans would fit some girl because they were size six and huge on me because big baggy pants were in and I just meant they’d fit her, she thought I was calling her fat and sent a posse of fists out after me. I have spent my life mostly choosing to stay out of weight conversations unless they are one on one because being the ‘thin’ one no matter what you say, it is wrong. I have never understood why people used to always feel comfortable spewing out “you are so thin”, “you are so skinny” and thinking it was a compliment. I’m sorry but this is NO different than walking up to someone who is fat and saying “oh my god, you are so fat!” I would never do that so don’t fucking comment on my weight. Although I have never been anorexic or bulimic, you don’t know me you have no idea what sort of keeping weight on issues I might have nor do I know if you have some kind of problems keeping you fat. Being too thin even without the stereotypical things people assume when they see you is JUST as unhealthy as being over weight, there are many other reasons a person on the thin side could have problems keeping weight on if they want to which there always were with me. The intensity of my anxiety can cause me to drop 10 lbs in a week. NOT HEALTHY.
Now, to be honest until recently I was very arrogant about my body and used to think it was pretty hot, as I was told it was many ‘good’ things once I hit my twenty’s, I’d go so far as to say there was no way I would ever lose my natural six pack even when I wasn’t working out. I was always well aware of when I was too thin due to my depression though, it was still a double edged sword. When I was too thin and I knew it was due to depression and people made comments about it, I played it off, knowing there was nothing I could do, but it made me feel like shit, on display, singled out and disliked JUST because I was thin. When I was eating two burgers a day and receiving the same comments and knew I wasn’t too thin it still made me feel like shit but I flaunted it to hide my insecurities because when you are viewed as a ‘hot body’ by males and ‘too thin’ by women and not a whole person for a large portion of your life your self perception gets warped and your values in relation to why people like you became shaded and you can get lost in offering yourself to people in ways you never normally would just to be accepted.
Because I have been feeling so negative about my shape and flabby belly and thigh skin I have started to work out and run again but running is at the mercy of my knee. This is the first year in my life I am dreading putting on a bathing suit.
Due to having one pair of jeans I can wear, but are still too tight in the waist, I thought there would be SOMETHING to wear ‘out’ but after trying on pairs of pants after pairs of pants and just NOTHING fitting, I was feeling worse and worse, I started crying, Adam gave me a hug. But then I dug into a bag of clothes where I knew there was a pair of pants that I bought when I was little miss corporate girl and got them a size too big and tried them on, they’re a size 6 and were still too small but they would do. I had to take them in for emergency same day hemming. Now for a shirt. Again nothing, everything I used to wear out was too short too tight or too bar star for my age. It was raining harder than cats and dogs but we hoofed it to The Bay after tearing the closet completly apart and found a kick ass shirt I love. I don’t feel any better about my body, but I had a good evening and my shirt looked sweet.
I obviously have to learn to accept my new size which I KNOW when I am in my rational mind is not fat but disliking my body is new to me, and having a closet and dresser FULL of clothes that don’t fit, I just don’t care what size you are it is depressing.
June 11th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
I totally understand what you’re getting across in your post. Being viewed as “thin” all your life by peering eyes, and being valued as that by others as your top asset really does warp your self-worth. It makes you think that your body is all you have to offer someone….that who you are inside doesn’t matter to anyone and once you start to lose your body, you panic desperately. You start to think that no one will love you or care….it’s horrible. Society does this to us. I know exactly how you feel. It’s scary.
June 12th, 2007 at 3:54 am
You are so raw & honest with your feelings & I thank you so much for it. It’s sad that every female I know…even some of the kids I know…have body acceptance issues…why we do this to ourselves is beyond me & why I have 3 sizes of jeans in my closet just kills me.
June 12th, 2007 at 9:54 am
i think it often starts with how our mom’s viewed their bodies and being comfortable or not with them. when we’re little and we hear our moms be hard on themselves we learn this latently.
but eh, just concentrate on your body in terms of how it feels, how healthy it is i think, and it will automatically look better too. maybe not in all the ways you want but many of them.
i’ve been too thin often, and being a tiny bit heavier now i’m not overweight, but it was an adjustment. excercise is so great for esteem and just feeling fitter and firmer, no matter your weight. and you know weighing what you’re supposed to is a very good thing indeed! being underweight can make women especially -really sick-the bones, hormones, heart, skin etc.
And you look great in that outfit and with the curls! so what if you wear yoga pants all the time- i do too and i’m comfortable, so who cares!
June 12th, 2007 at 11:10 am
I give you big hugs!! Because you are gorgeous, and anyone who picked on you for being slim-n-fit was totally 100% jealous - you now that right? jealous up to their gnashing, venom-spitting teeth.
For knee troubles try swimming, and walking. I know that walking swiftly burns the same calories as jogging, my heart rate monitor tells me so. You don’t have to run for fitness. Try a couple of classes , meet other fitness focussed people.
I know my weight started to go up after I got married because I had this mental image of a wife as cook, provider, domestic goddess and I would cook way too much, fear leftovers and just eat it. I still do this as I think if people eat my meals and like it, that equals love. Love my food, love me. Twisted. This was also compounded with depression due to homesickness, isolation, cultureshock, loneliness…
I also have three sizes in my wardrobe. Weird!
June 12th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
man, i already told you this on flickr, but you looked stunning in that outfit. it may be of little comfort, but just know that thousands of miles away, i seethe with envy at your beauty.
June 12th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
thank you for your comments they be goooooooood
jenn: funny i sit here and do the same back at YOU !
June 12th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
PS : These people are right You ARE insanely gorgeous by the way….;)
June 12th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
I hear you mama. No matter what people say, it’s hard not to be conscious of weight issues period since society so often judges women using that as the scale. No pun intended. You look great though. And I totally felt you on the skinny/no tits thing and then wham all of a sudden your metabolism slows and there’s this belly. I managed to get rid of mine through diet and exercise for a bit but then it came back. Something about cheeseburgers. Must climb back on the horse!!
Seriously though, you look beautiful and you should keep telling that to yourself when you look in the mirror.
June 12th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
Honey you look fabulous. Geezer and I can both relate to clothes not fitting anymore. The solution is to buy new clothes in bigger sizes. xox
June 12th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
okay, i’ve spent like, 24 hours trying to think of something supportive or witty or deep or even just the right thing to say and i’ve honestly got nothing worthwhile or anyways, nothing worth 24 hours of thinking. not for this intimate of a post.
i think that we all need to chill about our bodies but i know we won’t. we need to be accepting of what they allow us to do and not what they don’t - but we won’t. i wish it was as easy as saying, “men, they have it sooo easy.” but living with the person i do and growing up with the person i did…well it’s never been easy on them, being thin, small, skinny, whatever word you want to use to stab however deep.
and honestly, i cannot really say i’ve been on the side of it that you’re coming from. yes i’ve gotten the too skinny comments and done the “i can’t do anything about it. it’s my metabolism. do you know how much i EAT?!” but you and i know it’s been 94.3% bullshit. there is, eating disorder to not, a certain romance to being the thinnest one in a room, class, school, workplace.
it conveys a sense of personal control. an ability that others don’t exercise. the willpower to say, “i choose this to be me and i will not be swayed.”
but then again, like i said, i’ve never NOT had the choice. i wish i could say something better than i’ll go shopping with you and running with you once i get my jogging stroller, but i can’t. so i as always, am thinking of your ass.
June 13th, 2007 at 5:12 am
Your weight sounds just like mine. Same fluctuations and skinny and feeling fat at 130 and losing weight under stress/depression. Don’t you hate how no one (or very few people) understand that when you’re 107lbs for most of your adult life and then are 130 you feel like a cow and nothing fits and GAWD the misery. I know exactly how you feel. It sucks. I currently have three pairs of jeans because I refuse to buy more at this size. As soon as I buy a bunch of new clothes the weight will drop and I’ll be pissed again. /sigh Where’s my sock monkey??
June 13th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
130 is nothing how tall are you
June 13th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
iam five five and three quarters. short man, short.
June 14th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
it must be the onslaught of bathing suit season that has all of us concerned about our bodies. I was just going to do a body image post of my own, and I noticed that others have been doing it like crazy lately.
I can definitely feel your pain about the weight gain. I got FAT while pregnant. I weighed 186lbs the day before Brooklyn was born, and I too am only 5′3″. I know it was my own fault…I ate what I wanted and didn’t exercise. I guess I just assumed it would all melt away after she was born. I am now down to 135 lbs and in a size 8-10, and it kills me that I HATE the way that I look. I try to tell myself that there are women who would kill to be 135 lbs and wear a size 8, but it doesn’t make it any better. I am still about 20lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight, and I know that even if I make it back down to 115, my body will never be the same. It is stretched out and marked in ways that I can never rewind. I will always be covered in stretch marks and I always have that flabby extra skin (until I’m rich and can afford a tummy tuck). And I know that I should be proud of my body for nourishing my baby for 9 months while she was inside of me and now for four months after she was born, but I guess I’m just selfish in that I want ME back….
Ug…but enough about me. You look fabulous corinna, and who says that yoga pants can’t be for going out?
June 14th, 2007 at 7:12 pm
It’s a headfuck when you aren’t the way you were/the way you WANT to look. The thing to remember, however, is that people see you with very different eyes (literally and figuratively). I see those birthday snaps and I think “there’s a gorgeous gal!”. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
It’s cool if you want to get back to wearing your old clothes, but don’t put yourself through hell to get there. They’re just clothes and the weight isn’t going to change the person you are.
June 14th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
for your height that is the average weight that you SHOULD BE did you get my postcard yet
June 15th, 2007 at 5:27 am
You are definitely too critical of yourself, you look great young lady and that tattoo of yours is icing on the cake. IMHO, don’t change a damn thing.
It’s funny the things we see in the mirror.
Take care.
June 30th, 2007 at 2:29 am
I think it is unhealthy to think too much about yourself at all. It is better to think about your loved ones, and if you do not have any loved ones, find some! You do look great. So many people wish they could be 130 pounds again. But really, whether you look great, or not, it better to focus on other things.
June 30th, 2007 at 2:30 am
lol. Misspelled my blog name…
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:29 am
[…] to tan the day before with a girlfriend for a bit, but got better photos yesterday. In June I wrote this post on some of my feelings on my weight and the great weight debate in general and was in a space were […]