I never used to look at myself as a competitive person. I look back at how many years I told myself that lie and shudder with embarrassment over how convincing I’m sure my arguments weren’t. But I am laughing too trust me I am laughing. Realizing I am a competitive person while not currently competing in anything is obviously a small and I’d say very small sign of acceptance because MANY people have told me I am TOO competitive and I’ve just been like WHATEVER I am not even good at sports I can only Run, Ski and Golf and I am far from a good golfer I may have a great short game but if I were to actually play on full courses I’d probably start throwing my clubs around again like when I was first learning and when I was first learning I’d walk off the course, swear constantly, I didn’t even believe in golf etiquette. I think most people mean that I am competitive with everything and I am realizing everything is NOT an understatement. I’ve been aware that I MAY be a bit on the competitive side since having a nasty fall out with a long time friend a year or so back now, maybe closer to two years. [I still can’t believe it has been that long, holy Hannah] We were competitive in basically every way you can be in a friendship and both of us were too busy being competitive with each other to notice it was one of the things tearing us a part until it was too late. I wasn’t willing to admit it then anyway. We were both able to see different problems in the friendship that the other couldn’t see at the time, we couldn’t get on the same page. I think she saw the competitiveness and I didn’t, or I saw it but wasn’t willing to change it or work on it. I wish I knew what made me so adamant in denying I am competitive- that I want to beat you, I want to win, I want to bury you whether in sports or life games.

NEWS FLASH! *Insecurities**Denial*

I’ve never felt good enough, strong enough, fast enough, tall enough, good looking enough, stable enough, confident enough, trusting enough so I could always just hide behind my insecurities and never have to admit I wanted to run your ass into the ground, or that I wanted to read faster than you or be better than you at golf. I have truly been ‘number 1′ so few times in any athletic or professional career I’ve had, I’ve felt it’s been easier to sink into the ’second place is the first loser’ spot and simply sit there smiling away as if I LOVE IT. And competition has done damage to other friendships, I know it has, it has also cost me MANY a race, on and off the track, I have let it take me over completly and caused myself some pretty serious panic attacks due to how ridiculously stubborn I can be as well. Some friends for whatever reason I feel a lot of competition with some healthy ways some not and other friends also for whatever reason I feel no competitiveness at all. Maybe I can accept when someone is better at something than me, I do keep blogging. But I like things to be MINE and although I have yet to golf alone [it is on ‘my list’ of things to do] I have always preferred to run alone or with men, I have NEVER had a problem running with any ex-boyfriend or male friend, mostly because at the time I was better than them, not all but most.

It shouldn’t matter and I know that. I am just having a moment OK!?!

But seriously… let’s look at some of the more obvious signs I missed until now that have lead to this discovery:

1. I am from the female species
2. Of all of our golf score cards there is only ONE that I will not ad up due to hideous play
3. I CAN NOT run without a stop watch
4. I celebrate everything I get right when playing board games [mosty inside myself though]
5. I fist pump when I get two or more Jeopardy questions right in a row or if I get final Jeopardy and no one else does I have been known to dance
6. I over explain EVERYTHING and repeat myself constantly
7. I refuse to run with girlfriends [I’ve never had a problem with girlfriends being better skiers than me, but out run me and our friendship will not last or it might I am older now]
8. I get so afraid of losing sometimes I can’t have FUN
9. I can be so insecure I play like crap and then just won’t play at all like a sissy baby and have thrown tantrums
10. I always have to have some sort of response to everything

I am sure there is more but that is all I can think of right now.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 9th, 2007 at 9:38 am and is filed under CONFESSIONS & STUFF, GOLF, Running. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. All content (c) 2005 - 2008 Gus Greeper, unless otherwise credited. All rights reserved.