So, anyone notice how I haven’t been writing about my depression at all for quite some time now? Me too. For starters I did have to pay the $140.00 for the missed appointment due to the stupid last minute migraine but it turned out it was $140.00 and not $170.00 like I originally thought. Just goes to show that I take it extremely serious and almost never miss sessions anymore like I did in the first couple of years.

Turns out that sleeping almost all week is still progress. Last Friday I walked in and said, “I seriously had THE MOST unproductive week ever”, and he said, “the most”, and I said, “YES, the MOST”. But apparently the work I am doing while awake is still counting for something.

Although I know that it is normal for me to fall into a depressive hole around this time of year I am also being exceptionally avoidant of certain situations but at the same time exercising skills and changes to my behavioral patterns. Right now I am practicing a lot of restraint I am in control of what I do and don’t do, I have always taken responsibility for my actions but this is different in that it is about not reacting to things, not giving people power over me, asking myself is what I am doing or thinking right now empowering me or dis-empowering me? Keeping at this way of living and not being too hard on myself when in my opinion I fail in these areas is a very trying process. Being at the beginning of my fifth year in therapy when my world falls apart around me, I fall a part to Adam, I fall a part to the extent I allow myself to in therapy, even after four full plus years I am still guarded in some areas and I am unable to completely let go in sessions. You know, busting out the ugly cry, it almost NEVER happens. But the thing is I have the skills now to deal with things like an adult, not involving people that needn’t be involved, choosing who I trust with my problems carefully, sitting back and observing a situation fully before reacting. I am at a place in my therapy where I can step outside of myself completly and look in on a situation, see it for exactly what it is, what it isn’t, I can view it with vast clarity. Where the problem comes in is having the confidence in myself to practice it all the time. I’m learning meditation methods to go with the breathing exercises I already know that Adam always asks me if I’ve done before I take an extra Clonazepam. I’m trying to live with a more open mind, a curious mind but with awareness and acceptance of myself and of others, I’m learning to be way less judgmental and focusing on letting go.

Every Friday I walk over the bridge and I sit on the couch but lately it has been different it’s been more about me being fucking awesome and me deserving nothing but fucking awesomeness, I guess the difference is that now I’m at the point in therapy where according to my shrink there is no reason for me not to believe it and making that a daily truth is probably the hardest task I’ve faced in therapy yet, because there is no doubt about it and he does know that I am dealing with some pretty extreme anxiety at present but all I can do is what I am doing and that is try.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 24th, 2007 at 7:11 pm and is filed under Depression & Therapy, Headaches. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. All content (c) 2005 - 2008 Gus Greeper, unless otherwise credited. All rights reserved.