Pissed Off? Just a Little
A while back a fellow blogger did a post that mentioned the episode of Oprah where she discussed open marriages NOT the Mormon religion or polygamy and how it is depicted on HBO’s Big Love [that I am aware of because I didn’t watch it] but ‘open marriage’ was a topic.
I myself am not down with open marriages I think most fail over time and if you or your spouse want to be fucking each other and other people I’d venture a guess there is something deeper happening there and that something pretty big is missing from the relationship but I’m not a shrink just observant and I don’t know I guess I just think ahead.
But my problem is not with ‘open marriages’ to each their own I don’t really care. My problem is I read the comments on this post and someone who can choose to identify themselves in the comments or ask to be linked back to or what have you basically set my blood on fire by writing:
“The true commitment in life is having children with another person.
The marriage is/can be an important precursor, but it is definately not bound by forever the way having children is”.
[I’ve intentionally left the spelling error and want to say here NOTHING has EVER pissed me off this bad in my almost three years of blogging that I now feel the need to do a whole post on it]
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Why don’t you just say I’m not a fucking woman while you are at it because I have NEVER wanted kids and my husband doesn’t want children either? In fact I can’t stand most children and if you pay ANY attention to the census taken in this country you’ll know that THANKS to people like me our population is starting to settle out. I would MUCH rather have a form of population control in the country I live in based on EDUCATED decisions by people to or not to have babies, not assholes who can’t even afford them or some stupid slut who gets knocked up because she thinks it’ll be fun to have a baby but is seriously unfit to even have a child. I’m thankful I live in a country where there is a CHOICE, not in a third world or over populated country where war, AIDS and genocide which can result from war, or having to murder baby girls that are maybe not openly admitted to but ARE forms of population control. That comment is also more than disrespectful to women who can not have children, one of those being a very close friend of mine.
Our marriage is a ‘precursor’ to our life together a life that will include a shit load of SUPER cool adventures that people with kids just can’t go on or do without pissing their kids off they have to wait until their kids have moved out of the house and then *a lot* of marriages fall apart finding out you have nothing in common anymore anyway so you get divorced. Funny how that works.
I am SO sick of the comments the looks the EVERYTHING when people find out you’re married and not having kids. Whatever we get to sleep. I pity people who make ignorant comments like that to my face.
October 3rd, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Oh my dear god, that WAS ignorant of that person. True committment to someone has nothing to do with children ; children are an addition to marriage but not the sole purpose (and I don’t mean that in a minimizing way to people who DO have children). When you say your vows, you are vowing to love and cherish that ONE person unconditionally for the rest of your lives.
And by the way moron (not you Corinna), having a child does not bind you to someone for the rest of your life in the way you’re thinking. A LOT of people have children together and still fall out of love, divorce, and move on to the next person. News flash. The only way a lot of people are bound is either sharing child support and dividing weekends with that child. What kind of dream world do you live in? Yes, there are a lot of happy marriages and happy families out there, but come on, be realistic. You sound like a woman (not saying you are, just a similar mentality) who tries to trap men through getting pregnant. “Oh yes he’ll love me forever if I have a child with him!! He’ll NEVER leave now!! We have a child together!! It’s forever!!” Please.
If people want to start a family with children, good on them. If not, good on them too. I am that close friend of Corrinna’s that can’t have children. I plan to adopt one day. I would love to give a child a home that doesn’t have one. BUT all in all, true committment comes from being loyal, cherishing, respecting, and loving that one person like you vowed to do. Nothing more and nothing less.
October 3rd, 2007 at 2:03 pm
And PS, if you define being “whole” as having a child? Then you have problems and you will make your child have problems. YOU need to be whole first before you take any steps like that in life.
October 3rd, 2007 at 2:49 pm
That comment pisses me off too. I hate when people say things like that, as if the only purpose that people have in life is to have babies. Children do not equal life fulfillment. They do not solve problems in relationships, or fill up all of the holes inside of you. So many people have the wrong ideas about reproducing. Studies have actually shown that couples without children are happier in their marriages. They are also more likely to divorce, but that can be equated to not having to “stay together for the kids.” If you’re meant to be, then you’ll have a long and satisfying marriage.
October 3rd, 2007 at 3:34 pm
Although I am not the blogger who made that comment which is quoted, I did mention ‘Big Love’ in the comments of the original entry about Open Marriages. I just want to clarify that I was only drawing a very basic comparison about the idea of sharing a husband. In no way did I intend to suggest that the two concepts are the same. I certainly know the distinction between them.
Corinna, I definitely agree with you about the fact that we should have the right to choose whether or not we want to have children and should not be judged for making that choice, no matter what it is. And like you said, sadly, some women can’t have children and don’t even get to have that choice.
I particularly like Stephanie’s comment above:
“YOU need to be whole first before you take any steps like that in life.”
Very well said.
Hell, I also hate the pressure for couples to get married. Marriage itself is not for everyone. I say that everybody should do what makes them happy. Enough with these lame pressures to do everything a certain way.
October 3rd, 2007 at 3:52 pm
same, the big love comment is also to separate the two. your comment on there was good.
October 3rd, 2007 at 4:24 pm
Yeah, some people are crazy and wrong. I’m sure that person felt that way for themselves, but that’s not a universal truth by any means. You’re no less of a woman, nor are you any less committed to your husband. Having kids is another reason, and a compelling one, to stay together, but moms and dads leave families and kids behind all the time. By those standards, where’s their commitment? It doesn’t make sense. The truth is if you wanna screw around, you’re going to screw around. Don’t let it hurt your feelings, if possible. You’re you no matter what anyone else thinks. And you’re really cool. So there.
October 3rd, 2007 at 4:28 pm
i wish you wouldn’t get so offended by idiot comments. it’s really not worth it. you know why you and adam are together - that’s all that is important. having kids doesn’t do anything for a relationship unless that is what both people want. i know a couple that have been together 30+ years and don’t have kids - nothing is lacking from their lives because of it.
ignorant people are to be pittied - nothing more. they don’t deserve more of your energy than that.
October 3rd, 2007 at 5:06 pm
and i do mean that with the most affection possible.
xx
October 3rd, 2007 at 5:17 pm
oh yes idiot comments you are totally right but in this case i had been planning on posting on this or something similar for a while reading that comment just set me off and hey i was due for a rant but seriously i can see writing on the whole ‘not having kids’ thing again at some point.
you are sweet for coming back and adding that comment as if i don’t already know you are sweet though
and Jack… my dad agrees with you on the no less a woman bit i think it is something personal in me i have for some reason always felt that way and pressure from society to be ‘married with children’.
October 3rd, 2007 at 6:23 pm
I am 34 and have never had the deep desire to have kids. So I’m not a complete person? but the 14 year old mom is?
If you need a child to give you permanence in your life, you really should re-evaluate your ‘needs’.
Kids shouldn’t be your ‘life’, kids should add to your life.
October 3rd, 2007 at 7:14 pm
i just think it will hurt my wagina
October 3rd, 2007 at 11:33 pm
Good on you for speaking up on that, Corinna. I was put off by that woman’s comment as well, but I wanted to keep the forum “open” so that anyone could share their opinion. Unfortunately, there are many people that don’t think with open minds. And further, there are far too many people who define their lives by other peoples’ expectations for them (like the woman who posted the comment obviously does).
To me, a true woman is someone who sees the beauty inside herself, trusts in who she is, realizes that her flaws are equally as beautiful and makes choices for herself. Of course I’m just skimming the surface with that, but you’re a true woman to me, Corinna. (*cue cheesy Full House music*)
Anyways, good on you and Adam for deciding what is right for the two of you as individuals and as a couple. The love and committment to each other that you’ve chosen to endeavour upon is what exemplifies what it is you’re committed to in life, and nothing else.
October 4th, 2007 at 12:48 am
Having children should be seen as a serious commitment, to the children, not just to the person you’re having the child with. Jason thinks that people should have to get a license to have children, but I disagree because it is never fair for someone else to be able to dictate what you can and cannot do with your body. I think I would defend the right of anyone to have a child, no matter how stupid they are or whether they could afford them or not. I don’t think I could trust anyone put in a position of power to decide whether or not someone is fit to be a parent. Because I sure as hell don’t trust any of the politicians out there governing any of the countries in the world.
I really don’t understand the people out there who look down on people who have decided not to have children. All I can think is that they must have issues with their own lives which cause them to criticize others to take their own attentions away from their own shortcomings.
Some people are just arseholes, aren’t they?
October 4th, 2007 at 4:11 am
Word girlfriend! If more people actually sat down and thought about the whole thing, the LIFETIME commitment of having a child, in fact there outta be a licensing system implemented. So so many people have no business having kids, and even more can’t admit or are ashamed to say to society- ‘actually, I’m far too selfish to have a little creature hanging out of me and on to me for all time’ And, check this folks, there’s nothing wrong with me because of it…and especially being a woman. No, my biological clock isn’t ticking, and no, I’ve never yearned to reproduce, and it doesn’t make me less of a woman, and no dick head, I’m not a lesbian. There’s plenty of humans to go around, too many, and I couldn’t live with myself adding to that, or the guilt of bringing another into it. China is on to something really, sorry, a bit extreme but not far. Thanks for inspiring a rant! Oh, and that reminds me, when I was a nipper, when asked how many kids I wanted when I grew up, I would proudly reply- “I don’t want babies, I’m having puppies”
October 4th, 2007 at 5:17 am
That’s incredibly annoying and you’re spot on. I don’t want kids either and I get shit from (mostly) Bible thumping types who have no influence over the way I live my life.
Fools.
Keep kicking ass.
Chris
October 4th, 2007 at 5:53 am
“Our marriage is a ‘precursor’ to our life together a life that will include a shit load of SUPER cool adventures that people with kids just can’t go on or do without pissing their kids off they have to wait until their kids have moved out of the house and then *a lot* of marriages fall apart finding out you have nothing in common anymore anyway so you get divorced. Funny how that works.”
I couldn’t agree more. I’ve watched TOO many of my friend’s parents split up after the kids graduated from high school or college. It’s really sad that kids become the center of a couple’s life and when they are grown, the parents don’t know who the other one is.
I’m 24 and single. I’m watching people my age get married and it scares me to death. You and Adam are an inspiration. You know what you want and you live your lives true to yourselves. A lot of people just settle into a comfort zone but they are never really happy. And then, they have kids to liven things up a bit… children are not always brought into the world for the right reasons.
October 4th, 2007 at 6:05 am
if you’re ok with your choices, why let somebody’s alternate opinion bother you? like Sarah, I also mean that with affection. *don’t hurt me*
October 4th, 2007 at 6:40 am
wow, what the fuck have been missing out on? i have two bloody kids and while i don’t regret them and i love them fiercely, i wouldn’t ever, ever, ever look down on anyone for making the choice to not make sweet lil babies. are you serious? in fact, if you are a relatively sane individual who values being able to use the bathroom alone, eating things other than macaroni and chicken nuggets, and knowing that where you sat something down is where it can be later found, i would highly suggest you dwell on the idea of procreation for a long, long time.
i love you, cor. good post.
October 4th, 2007 at 6:40 am
and i fucked up my html there. whoops.
October 4th, 2007 at 7:57 am
i love kids and adore my niece and nephews more than anything but this still isnt a bridge john and i are ready to cross, no matter how many times we’re asked about it at family gatherings. we’re enjoying our lives, our time together, our relationship and are definitely trying to get ourselves some stability before we can even fathom supporting someone else. in no way do i feel like our relationship is lacking because we havent gone down that road - like a previous commenter said it’s a commitment to the person you’re bringing into this world more than anything.
October 4th, 2007 at 11:20 am
This has been a great thread for discourse. Thanks for posting this Corinna!
October 4th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
i love this lady’s blog. and she did a rant on the same topic, too:
oh, go fuck yourself, lady!
October 4th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
my first link didn’t work. oh well.
October 5th, 2007 at 12:12 am
Hmmm, I thought marriage was all about bachelor parties and hot lipstick lesbians. (yeah you can flog me for that one)
I couldn’t agree more with you Corrina, well said.
Cheers
October 5th, 2007 at 8:34 am
She’s an arse.
You’re a legend.
I’m so very angry with the cunt i could bend girders with my teeth.
Apologies for that.
Seriously though! WHAT A TWAT!
I’m not even drunk right now and she makes me say things like twat and cunt to describe her.
I love you 3.
xoxoxo
October 7th, 2007 at 7:38 pm
What an idiot . I’d say I can’t believe that someone would make an ignorant comment as such, but living the the world (particularly this part of the world) I know that there are stupid people out there. Personally I want to have kids (a thought that simultaneously terrifies and excites me) some time in our future, but if that is not in the cards for us I’m not going to have an existential dilemma over it. I’m not going to split up from Brian over it, either. I’m with him for a lot of other reasons other than for sperm donations. Some people that DO have kids should NOT have kids and some good people that are desperate for them can’t have them.
Excellent post (AGAIN), my lovely.
And I am with you on the spelling error. That one aggravates me to NO END!!!
October 8th, 2007 at 8:10 am
i can’t believe that someone would say that to you. yes, i have a child now, but we have lots of married friends who don’t and i do not look at them as “incomplete”. in fact, i often look at them with jealousy because, like you said, they can jet off to do whatever they want, whenever they want…without needing a babysitter.
October 9th, 2007 at 9:50 am
i have been married and have kids. i swore i’d never have them. i’m well a weirdo, meaning, i never thought i’d like to or be a good mom. point is….i agree with you completely. i love them and can’t imagine life without them, but it’s trying, tiring, hard, especially on your own completely, and even when still married, i was STILL on my own really. my two brothers are both married and willingly do not want kids nor do their wives. they enjoy their nieces, nephews, yadda, but they enjoy eachother and love their lives. NOTHING wrong with not wanting kids. there are a TON of people that have kids that SHOULD NOT, so all the hype is just that. hype. don’t let dumb fucks get you down.
October 9th, 2007 at 11:55 am
furthermore……………read this and you will LOVE…she’s so hardball. i love it.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=476669&in_page_id=1879
October 10th, 2007 at 11:21 am
You GO GIRL! Good God! Was this commenter born in the last century? Does she feel that we should all be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen making our husband a sandwich? [place eye roll here]
Lame. Seriously. I was married for 13 years, and one of the main reasons I left the relationship was because I was being pushed to have kids — Not something I’ve ever planned on, and quite honestly, makes me cringe on good days. Kids make marriages much more trying, not less so. Having a good life and feeling the need for stress? Have a child. Not saying all women who choose that route are foolish… I’m glad they have more strength and patience than I do! They are to be commended… Just don’t tell me that I need a kid to make my marriage something of value.
Oh, and bahahahahah to “auntioachs buuglarn cfohpheei” hehe.
October 10th, 2007 at 10:12 pm
Yeah I totally agree.. Not everyone wants kids, and not everyone should have kids.