Yesterday the coffee machine broke for good, it has been acting funny since the day the warranty ran out because it was electronic and must have been programmed to, aside from that when I went to pour the water in, it ALL came straight back out. I don’t know you’d think I’d have stopped pouring the water but I didn’t so basically twelve cups of water covered my kitchen floor [it needed to be cleaned anyway] and the water was headed for the living room and the REAL guitars are sort of right under there, anyway lots of bloody water was all over the bloody place.

Worst thing is that it was a wedding gift from Sarah and Jack, AND we know at LEAST three other couples MINIMUM who have the exact machine, not only does it work for them but they RAVE about it.

We knew it was going to go so we had decided that because the machine was fancy that we were going to go back to the cheapest coffee maker we could find. I bought one yesterday makes twelve pots, SUCKS it is white but it was twenty four dollars. It will probably last us fifteen years.

If only I had known that this was just the beginning.

I then got all bent out of shape over untagged photos on Facebook. Reason being, around the beginning of September Adam and I suffered the loss of a friend but it wasn’t just any loss, it was one of those complicated everyone and their mother [literally] was somehow forced into the situation and it wasn’t just drama it was on mine and Adam’s end, life altering. I have yet to ever blog about it until this very minute and to a lot of readers I am sure this is very wtf is she talking about? But although I know in many ways I should be over it all and have moved on it brings up many other things that I hate about myself such as problems with interpersonal relationships and women, jealously, as well as my blatant and over the top issues with feeling left out. The last couple months have been challenging to me in so many ways I can not even begin to explain. What happened yesterday over the untagged photos has happened in an inappropriate way since the whole ‘incident’ as I sometimes call it happened just in different ways but yesterday it got to me because I can’t take it anymore, but yet letting the WHOLE thing go when you know the WHOLE story and very, very few people do is not as easily said as done. Of course I talk about this in therapy and my therapist insists considering the severity of the situation that when I lose it the odd time that is not only normal but HOLY Corinna, it is not the end of the world. But to me it feels like it is, because in some regards I have handled the shit that happened better than I thought I was capable of dealing with anything but in others, the silliest thing will happen and I feel like it happened yesterday and all the trust I’ve had no choice but to put in people just flies out the window and my insecure side comes out and I FLIP and make a serious fool of myself.

I spent yesterday beating myself up mentally because I know what Adam and I did was right, I know the stuff written and said about me is not true. But part of the problem with taking the higher road and not saying a word about it until now and not asking what was said to A LOT of people about me or written to them even my father! [twice, and even there I only read one of the emails and it is the only one I have read sent by she who shall not be named to ANYONE] Some days I wish I did ask, some days I wish I did know, but that goes against all the learning I’m doing with my shrink and all that I have learned from the whole situation in general. I have always had issues with trust and the last couple months have been like stepping on eggshells trying to figure out who my real friends are without causing any triangle situations.

When I wrote this post here I meant every word, I just think the part about the stuff I was being avoidant of is starting to bite me in the ass and this is a problem I MUST address because in many other facets of my life I do this, which is harbor, even I find it strange because in some ways I am so open and very DON’T MESS WITH ME but then when it comes to people I genuinely care about I freeze and act like a five year old and everything comes out way after the fact and generally gets the response of “I was over that ages ago”, ya no shit I should have been too! I’m, NEWS FLASH, BIG SURPRISE, not perfect and even though on one hand I am seriously happy right now on the other side, remember I’m a Gemini, I’m having a tough time and since that tough time began I have not felt as comfortable blogging when I’m down and really depressed and yesterday it got to me in a big way. So big in fact that that I deleted myself off of everything, Twitter, MyBlogLog and Blogcatalog so if you would be so kind as to click the links and re-ad me that would be much appreciated.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 1st, 2007 at 12:39 pm and is filed under Blogging, Depression & Therapy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. All content (c) 2005 - 2008 Gus Greeper, unless otherwise credited. All rights reserved.