Really, I should have known
In the wee hours of last Sunday morning it finally hit, almost like I had been waiting for it, but I clearly wasn’t because just hours before I had stated that I was very proud of myself for making if this far into the ’season’ with just regular old depression nothing major, and then I went to sleep some heavy bricks fell and I woke up later in the day with that feeling of weight bearing down on me.
Getting out of the city can simply not come fast enough. Tomorrow is going to be a bloody hellish day and then Saturday we leave. I really hope that once I get up north this nasty cloud of depression, anxiety and inability to see anything without negative attentional bias [aka paranoia] passes because it is starting to wreak massive [extra] havoc already.
My back is not getting better and I am finding it extremely stressful, I was able to go out and get many missions done today but not without arriving home and realizing how much was left to do and how much pain I was in and how much ass I felt like and I crashed onto the pillow until Adam came home. I am seeing my actual Doctor tomorrow instead of the Chiropractor because I’m concerned I have never had back pain of any kind for this long before and I’m a clumsy bastard so I want stronger drugs is basically why I’m going.
Flying up north on its own is EXTREMELY stressful in the winter or really any time of year for that matter. The airports of Northern British Columbia are notorious for canceled flights due to weather because the planes simply can not land.
I am sure everyone is feeling their own level of Christmas and/or seasonal stress right now whether you love or hate the holidays, I just could have done fine without the crash in depressionville with it, thinking everyone hates you and is out to get you at Christmas it feels EXTRA good.
December 20th, 2007 at 9:01 pm
I wish you a happy holiday Corinna! You’ve won many battles this year, so I am sure you can conquer this one too!
All the best. (BTW I just celebrated 500 posts, so if you want, you can head over and partake in one of my three mini-games - they’re all related to “A Year in Review”)
December 20th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
i was having the worst day today. i was freaking out and stressing about EVERYTHING then…
i got called into the boardroom to meet with the head partner of the company. my stomach sank. it was reminiscent of last february when i was called into the boardroom and offered a severance package - getting laid off sucks and i was having a MEAN flashback.
so i get into the boardroom and he says nothing, he just hands me an envelope and says, “sorry, usually *insert CEO name here* handles these sorts of things”.
i started shaking, my eyes welled up…
and he said, “thanks so much for your hard work this year, here’s a little token of our appreciation.” and it was very generous christmas bonus.
Corinna - you’ve had a rough year and i think it’s been bumpy for a lot of folks. just take this holiday season to relax, spend times with your man and loved ones and realize you’re a great person - and you don’t need others to justify that for you.
December 20th, 2007 at 10:36 pm
I’m sending good vibes your way, sister friend. Happy Christmas!
December 21st, 2007 at 6:33 am
it’s just a wobble, probably. it IS a stressful time of year.
i’m moving house too. so arrgh. very weird Christmas this year. just take things at your pace, pay attention to the feelings in your body and what you need and you’ll find the balance. best of luck and have a safe trip.
just let go girl, go with whatever flow feels most grounded.
December 21st, 2007 at 2:48 pm
I understand the holidays can be tough and for those such as yourself that at the very least have the strength to deal one day at a time with your depression even though it IS tough and you do Great! You are not one of those who try to drag everyone down with you when you aren’t feeling right and for that you are SO MUCH better of a person.
I hope you feel better soon, especially once you get out of the city and arrive at the parents. Have a great time, will try to call or at the very least Text!
December 21st, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Awww Corinna, I was hoping this wouldn’t happen. Well, hang in there and know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, you’ll be up north soon! Have a very merry Christmas and Happy New Year!