Anxiety doesn’t care if you’ve already paid – No go for NV08
I’m pretty sure I was one of the first fifty or so people to register for Northern Voice 2008; B.C.’s large and widely attended personal blogging and social media conference. Already blogger buddies but now buddy buddies Jennie came in from Pittsburgh and Dan came in from Toronto.
I was excited about many things beyond the buttons and stickers, the kick-ass brown ‘Bloggable‘ t-shirt that I have the most PERFECT place to wear, my Moo cards, [that still haven’t arrived], using the laptop an awesome couple lent me [M & JWC], the opening party, plus meeting loads of bloggers and people I’d only heard of and or had been reading for years. I was also looking forward to many of the sessions that were being offered over the two days.
There were posts about Northern Voice popping up all over - I’m pretty sure all of the posts on my feed were from people going, except one by Barbara Doduk that I didn’t realize until later had seeped its way into my subconscious mind.
Last Thursday rolled around and I was fine, I had my outfit and hair planned for the opening party. I was having a good day and I had gathered all of the things I was going to take in my bag for Friday on the chair in the living room when, unexpectedly, I was triggered by something so small it is not even worth mentioning because it is just part of my depression garbage and I lost it.
At first I thought I was ok, that I was just having a minor anxiety attack and that I would calm right down. I didn’t even take a Clonazepam because I knew I’d be drinking that night. With depression in general there are so many things that trigger behavior directly related to my mood disorders that it ends up being no different than learning which battles to pick in life, if I react the same way to every single panic attack then every single panic attack would be debilitating. I try to give the panic attack the benefit of the doubt, think positive, TRY TO BREATHE. But it doesn’t always work, and I ended up crying and shaking and then couldn’t stop crying and shaking and that was it I was done.
Adam probably remembers better than me because I have a tendency to block out the memories of just how often this happens but I know that this happened when we had tickets to see The White Stripes and BAM I had a major attack and we didn’t go. I remember that one because I know Adam was very disappointed, I’ve progressed enough in dealing with them even if I can’t get myself out that I can handle Adam going.
The weekend preceding NV it had come up that I am normally inconsolably depressed between December and the beginning of March and that so far this year, at that time, I had only been depressed for a maximum of three full weeks I guesstimated, I think I am looking at four weeks maybe more now but Adam and I still high fived because I have been working really hard.
Just writing this damn post is giving me anxiety.
In the last fourteen months, I have gone from being a person so plagued by social anxiety, someone who had so little confidence that I’ve never even been able to stand up straight and worst of all someone who believed I was incapable of making new friends and being accepted for ME that you could say I was mildly agoraphobic. I would even tell people I was to avoid having to explain and give details every time I didn’t want to get off my ass and leave my apartment, it was easier to just put out a big word that encompassed how I saw myself but at the core was not the real problem.
Right now, I’m ALMOST a wee little social butterfly.
Also in that fourteen months, I’ve grown, I’ve changed, I’ve taken steps backwards and forwards, I’ve failed, I’ve disappointed myself, I’ve let myself down, I’ve let others down. I’ve actually lived outside of the box. After some serious thought I decided I was happy with where I am in the blog world right now. That even though I know that Northern Voice is not about a bunch of blogging rules that it is still structured and my blog has never really had any structure and it has done fine. I’m sure my friends would love it if they didn’t have to help me with my blog issues any more but I don’t know where this year is going to lead, maybe I will still end up learning all that I missed.
It has taken a lot of conversations with my shrink and more passive aggressive behavior than I ever thought I was capable of, more foot in my mouth moments than I’d like to admit to, just to get me to the place where I am learning to say NO and learning what I want and deciding that even though I fully intend on doing my best to enter more of the blog community at monthly meet ups this year, that I want to do it at my pace. It was all happening too fast and it felt overwhelming and I thought this isn’t why people started reading me. Yes, I love that I have been accepted into some of Vancouver’s blogging circles but there is still a part of me who wants to stay behind my screen and isn’t ready to do all the acting and mental preparation it takes me to go out and become who I want to be through projecting only the positive, I’m just scared of being myself sometimes because I am going through so many personal changes. Entering my thirties has also thrown in some nice new challenges and I have to accept that not everyone is going to like the new me behind the screen or in their face shaking their hand.
I don’t know if this will even make sense to anyone, if even I understand to the fullest extent why I flipped out and didn’t go. I just know that it’s my blog and I’ll post what I want and I’ll go to whatever meet ups I want and that I’ll still be thankful for fucked up situations like not going to a conference I paid for because I still learned so much about myself and why I blog and how important to me it is to not lose sight of those reasons and lately - I don’t know, I just feel like I’ve been letting my long time readers down, losing myself a little, I know I can’t please everyone but I guess I want to move forward without forgetting anyone who helped me get my voice heard.
On a side note I would just like to thank everyone for their support over the last few days I was pretty floored by how many people took the time to tell me I was missed and it really meant a lot.
February 26th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Heya chickie… You were missed.
And, whether people admit it or not, we’ve all suffered at least mild social anxiety at one time or another. You are not alone, here. It’s human nature. Hell, I consider myself to be a very social person, but there are still days that I’ll hole myself up because I just don’t want to be *on* that night.
And, also… I’m as shy as you’ll find out there. I’ve just worked super-hard over the years to get past my introverted nature — As I know you have, too. I guess I’m a true Gemini (if you put any credence in that): Social on the outside, shy on the inside.
Hell, I’ve gone so far as to hire a personal coach in the past because I cannot even touch people I don’t know intimately. It took me a long time to understand why I wasn’t connecting with people the way some naturally do… That was a big part of it, and it’s still a learning process every day for me.
There’ll be more conferences! Look ahead to great things! You’ve done such a great job with your personal growth, and you should be *so* proud of yourself!! I’m proud of you…
Hugs!
February 26th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
you it is funny you mention the shy gemini bit …. as people who INSIST i am not shy either haven’t known me long enough or only see me when im drunk
thank you Tanya you’re seriously awesome and it has been a pleasure meeting you/starting to get to know you in person and i look forward to more time spent in the future.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I didn’t know that was a Gemini thing - I’ve often been referred to as an “introverted extrovert”. I’m painfully, horribly, hide-in-a-corner, cancel-plans-because-I’m-afraid-of-people kind of person - but get me in the right group and you’d never know it. I’m extremely shy to the point of anxiety, but I’ve been able to force myself to do some incredibly extroverted things. I’m working on it - I hate being alone when everyone else is having fun - but it’s a big thing I’m going to have to spend years working on. Props to you, pretty lady!
February 26th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
It took alot of courage to write this post, as I know from our visit what you were going through.
On a side note, I think you are pretty darn cool, and I am glad that you have begun to let me know you.
February 26th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I am sorry you had a rough weekend. I’ve been there, and I know EXACTLY what it feels like. I don’t get like that anymore, thanks to good meds and tons of therapy, but I do have my issues (headaches, exhaustion, self-doubt — oh, and I seem to have developed a crush on a 65 year old man — good lord help me) We should go for a beer some night. I’d love to get to know you better.
February 26th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I seeped into your brain… I hope in a good way hahaha.
I’ve been in your shoes many times in the past. It had a lot to do with the way one man in the world had made me see myself. Once I escaped that hell (thank gawd I ha the courage to leave him) I finally became the free me again. I was able to just swallow the fear butterflied in my belly and go for it. It is never easy to go out into the unknown. But weeeeee it’s a ride baby, hang on and laugh and smile and go for it.
On the topic of my post… ironically I didn’t end up going to my friend’s birthday party because my Ex-Husband (he is not the hell guy above mind you) was throwing the house party and I just didn’t want to deal with seeing him again. Last time we hung out he wanted to get back together (UGH). And my man was playing in a crappy cover band gig that night (last minute) in a hell hole that I didn’t see myself sitting around in. So guess what I did? I sat on the sofa watching Stand By Me and chatting for 2 hours to my drunken future sister in law. hahaha !!! Life. Ain’t is special.
On that note, you ever want someone to drag you out, just hit me up. I’m game.
February 26th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I’ve missed a few social events in my time for the same reason as well. Its hard because I know these people may assume that I don’t like them ‘cus when I tell them I’m “sick and I can’t make it” I’m sure they can hear the bullshit in my voice…
Hang in there!
February 26th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Great Post, Corinna.
I’m SO glad we got to hang out a couple of times while I was out there!
Don’t worry about what other people think, just focus on taking care of yourself.
Love you, little monkey!
February 26th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Hey G,
With luck, Northern Voice will be happening next year, and the year after, and so on. And though people might try to tell you that *this* NV was the *best one ever*, I think next year’s will be pretty good as well. Take your time, and when you’re ready, we’ll be happy to have you.
TTFN
Travis
February 26th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Dear Corinna,
I learned you weren’t coming to NV 08 at the VBM, but I just wanted to send you a big hug of support. I look forward to spending time with you and getting to know you as well, outside of the bowling alley too
And if you ever need to talk, let me know
Hugs from here.
Raul
February 27th, 2008 at 9:00 am
You are awesome!
Do whatever You want with your blog and it will be awesome too, it’s a simple formula!
Will be seeing you again
February 27th, 2008 at 10:13 am
I can really relate with this, and appreciate your sharing. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed, I have the sense that I am the only one having that experience. I found your reflection and admitting to this condition very brave and therapeutic, and it seems the comments here are reflecting that.
I did attend nv08 as well as nv07, and wish we would have met. For me, knowing that others also feel paralyzed somehow makes it seem better. Not in the misery-loves-company light, but rather that others struggle and overcome and share and have ups-and-downs, and that may just be a part of the human condition.
I wonder what affect social media has made on this, in that it is easier to speak about this here (not that this is anonymous, as it surely is not), but that writing (which helps me think) is different than looking others in the eye and speaking.
February 27th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
It’s your fault Bert wants to play Ninjas @ 22:52 on a Wednesday night.
HHHHAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII YYAAAAA!! KEEYAI KEEYAI!!!
Social anxiety mate? No problem, Take one Ninja Bassett add a dash of cheesy 80’s pop (The Sea Bass is off but The Wham with ‘Club Tropicana’ is on the menu tonight instead) plus a wiggle of the hips is the hot tip to sucess in this area.
If attending a gathering just take along the above ingredience and Huzzah! the terror of social anxiety is gone…
Whatever, you know I think you’re always working towards any kind of improvement in this matter for ALL the right reasons and the respect that commands from me is 110% more than I give most people just for you having the balls (not literally) to admit even a bit of this kind of stuff. And (I think it’s well over due cos I’ve never said this for the blog before… I don’t think) a big loving thank you (from P.Bfor being the most also) for beingone of the most honest and caring pepole. Your blog is tops eh?
Oi! nv10? me, you, Alburn Buttless Chaps & Gus? Wadda ya say? Sounds good? I could make semi colonial slurrs and people would let me off cos I’m foriegn and don’t know any better? sounds like a hoot to me.
Whatever.
Miss ya loads.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
C.J & Super(Ninja)Bert AWAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!
P.S someone says Woof! (and a fart but I don’t think that was intended for you, mine I think!)
xo
February 27th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
There are a lot of introverts/ shy people/ people with social anxiety who are bloggers, it’s often easier for them to communicate online than in person. I met a fair number of them at NVoice’s over the years and at other Vancouver area blogging/tech meeting.
So just letting you know you’re not the only one and there are many others out there as well.
Going at you own pace is the smart thing to do.
February 28th, 2008 at 10:12 am
it’s just going to get better and better Corinna. it doesn’t matter if you don’t get it all right exactly when you expect or want to.
that’s what second chances are for 
February 29th, 2008 at 2:40 am
You’ve never disappointed me xoxoxx
February 29th, 2008 at 8:19 am
I have similar issues with anxiety. I’m slowly learning that you tell yourself 88 things to get yourself worked up so just saying “Ok, this will pass, just breathe,” well, it isn’t enough. You have to tell yourself it will pass 89 times to undo the damage that you’ve already done with your negative self talk. (Can you tell I have a workbook?)
Anyway, it’s a process. The fact that you are sitting back after the fact and trying to figure out what went wrong is the path to healing. I’ve missed many cool opportunities in my life because of anxiety. It always boils down to fear for me. Fear of having fun I’m not convinced I deserve to have, fear of letting go, fear or losing control. The times I’ve tiptoed past that fear, I’ve treasured more than anything else because it’s those little tiptoe-y steps past it that make me feel like someday, I will put on my hikers and stomp right on past the fear.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. Part of getting through anxiety is being kind to yourself and giving yourself permission to make the choices that are right for you.
March 2nd, 2008 at 5:14 pm
at some point your self-esteem and your desires will be in line…i promise you it’ll happen..then: WATCH OUT! it’s going to be a LOT of fun!