real life unfortunately
im back from the hospital and still numb. i became desensitized to death as a kid, i remember 11 years old and my dad coming into my bedroom to tell me my mom had finally died and not crying. i knew it was coming, i had bawled a few times after seeing her with the morphine drip, she not wanting us to be sad. my dad cried, he held me, we were all shocked and in pain, but i wanted to be strong like she said, not knowing what else to do. i know i lost something that day, something that makes people normal and emotionally developed. it wasnt a conscious decision, my mind made it for me. i was protecting myself. it didnt make me hard, it just made me different. so now am i being strong sitting here still not crying, trying to stay moving? i dont think corinna wants to die, and for now, she wont. but her mind will not stop serving her pain, and as anyone who was abused by a parent can attest, the emotional kind is far more painful. she feels different like me i know that, and that difference makes communicating difficult and increases any feelings of isolation. its so hard to guess at what you think you want, what might make you happier, when you dont know what any of that happiness is made of. nobody swallows pills and wine to hurt anyone but themselves. it is not an aggressive action, it is not aimed at any target, it is a frustrated action, it comes from anguish. prolonged pain makes us feel like we deserve it, that it defines our lives. i only wish i could feel more and have her feel less, because she deserves a break from the restlessness and breath it takes. nobody needs to understand this, i dont, she doesnt, but its there. and if you dont feel comfortable being so close to something that so often looks evil, if you cant get past it, then dont bother asking yourself why this little blond girl sleeping at st pauls with an iv drip in her arm is so scary. you wont get it. its not about answers. its about remembering that you are human. and alive. i love you all anyways. even the shitheads. we all hurt people, get hurt, lose people and die. simple.
this post is brought to you by david bowie and jonathan richman. i dont know what the right thing to do is either. if you love her, be yourself and keep doing that. everything will follow.
March 4th, 2008 at 2:40 am
Hugs, hugs and a hundred more. Don’t know what to say, but I hope everything will be ok. My love to you both, and my prayers to the multiverses.
March 4th, 2008 at 5:05 am
Adam and Corrina, you two are so wonderful. I will send all the good vibes I can muster your way. Corrina please remember that you have made a diferance in my life when I was close to pulling the plug you were my friend. I know you didnt even know it at the time but you did help me threw a hard time. Im not sure how it all would have turned out had it not been for you and a couple other complete strangers (bloggers) Please be well and fuck the haters, they aint worth the trouble.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo
March 4th, 2008 at 5:57 am
My love goes out to the two of you. Please pass on my well wishes.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Adam, please contact me. I understand that this is turmoil for you, and I need to know what’s going on. Last night I was texting with a happy Cor, and then a few hours later I get a message that she’s in hospital? Please text me back, please.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:31 am
I’m really sorry for everything you guys have to go through… I really hope she’s alright!
March 4th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Adam, let me know if there is anything I can do.
John 604-351-8146
March 4th, 2008 at 7:53 am
omigosh….Adam, please call me 604-618-4222 I am downtown all day today. I am putting all my positive thoughts out to the Universe for Corinna :hugs:
March 4th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Although I don’t know you, I wish you the best. I don’t think you realize how much your pain and your honesty help other people. I think that you’re amazing.
March 4th, 2008 at 8:29 am
I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Please give my best to Corrina, and hang-in there. Her pain can get better.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:15 am
I tried calling your cell but it’s off….
Let me know if there’s anything at all that we can do. A ride, food, a shoulder, whatever you need you’ve got.
Take care Adam, and all my love to Corinna
604 816 9979
March 4th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Whew. Good wishes for both of you. Life is worth living.
March 4th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
i am truly sorry to hear about this Adam.
i, like so many others am very fond of Corinna, and feel she has much to offer as well as receive in the world.
hugs and love to you both. just keep holding on. send her my love, would you?
March 4th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I don’t know what to say. I just hope everything is okay. You’re both amazing people and I’ve yet to meet you both for ‘real’.
For what it’s worth, Kylie and I are always here for you both, even if it is through the net.
March 4th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Hi Adam and Corinna,
I don’t know what to say either. All I can say is that I hope you are both ok. Let me know if there’s anything I can do, I’ll be glad to help.
March 4th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I’ve been where Corinna is now and I know exactly what she is going through. It’s hard. I hope she knows that she has all of our support to get through this.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
thankx for all your wishzez. you all can haz chezburgerz. i had one of those really surreal walks home today, i noticed these two highschool kids who were dressed like they showered with east coast rap soap every morning strate up and when we got off at burrard they were totally tryna throw the mack potion on this chick it mad me laugh cause these two were a skinny and a round white kidz and i chuckled thinking they might be like ‘dude i think thats a real black girl’ and all of a sudden the round kid starts rapping, it was so awesome that i had to speed up so i didnt make the rappin kid have a beef wif me cause i was chewing my tongue not to laugh aloud. then, as i get away from the rap skillz and ascend the xcalator there is a guy with a mic a guitar and a pan flute and its this peruvian guy playin this really loud but excelent tunez out the station. then something else weird happened but im still tryin to remember that one, but then im almost home and the same johova witness guy i saw the day before in the rain is holdin the same pamphlets but hes smilin today cause we both know that the weather was bad the day before, then really good today, which made the situation both mildly ironic and comedic. we axed each other howdo, then i come round a corner and these kids are stumblin up the sidewalk towards me and the one girl points at the groun pointing at a pigeon poo that barely missed her buddies and no one kid is laughing, they are all doing it deadpan.
today was different alright. i think i feel bigger today. as if i had a grinch-like organ growth spurt, or the funny bone. maybe its just a new day. i reckon theres not anything bad ive done to people, but i think im gonna be better to everyone now. or myself.
pee-ess you all are pretty good
pee-ess-ess when i say something is pretty good, it means that it is the best thing it can possibly be. if something is ‘pretty good’ or ‘hard to beat’ that is the best. im trying for the opposite of hyperbole, it might make matter from nothing. scientomically speaking.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
pee-pee-pee-ess
“It looks like you guys really like guitar hero” — vancouver city police officer #2