Killing Me Softly
I’m currently plagued with an anxiety level that my body has not dealt with since 2002. I had forgotten just how bloody debilitating anxiety is when it hits this hard. It is literally impossible to explain how it feels unless you suffer from it but I will give it a shot. And there is some but little comparison between anxiety and an attack, which normally causes loss of breath, shaking, crying, over stimulation of my entire body meaning that I can not be touched at all, no hugs no back rubbing, it actually makes it worse and therefore brings fear and loneliness into the equation, an ‘attack’ does not normally last more than a half an hour.
Although I’ve suffered from depression my entire life and have been medicated since my early twenties, until May of 2002, I managed to survive on one anti-depressant. I had never had a real anxiety attack and I really had no clue what ‘anxiety’ was other than the butterflies I’d get in my stomach before a road race, mind you, when I ran my half marathon I was too fucking cold to be worried about anything other than my body parts actually falling off.
I was unfortunately sexually assaulted in my own home on May 19, 2002 and it left me with anxiety so bad that I now know way too much about it, and also know more than I’d like to in regards to what it is capable of doing to my body, my mind and my sanity. This is when I started to take Clonazepam, an anti-anxiety med, this was the beginning of what has become a constant battle.
For me when ANXIETY sets in it is relentless: body shakes, a coldness comes over my body that I can not get rid of, meaning I can not get warm and I start shivering which in turn makes the body shakes worse, my stomach is one big knot of pain, no matter how much I concentrate on my breathing it feels like butterflies are flapping their wings so hard to get out of my stomach that they are actually piercing through it and this pain spreads itself all the way up my esophagus leaving what feels like a steel bar across the back of my throat. Even the thought of putting solid food in my mouth makes it so dry water won’t even wet it and leaves me feeling as if I am going to vomit but what would there be to vomit up? Nothing. I lose obscene amounts of weight in a ridiculously short amount of time.
Anxiety is an extremely serious mental illness, in severe cases it can and does cause permanent brain damage. Considering how fucking shitty I’m feeling right now I can’t believe I suffered like this every day for over a year after the assault and all the shit that followed.
If you suffer from any kind of anxiety, I’m not saying drugs are the answer for you but please talk to your doctor because there is no need for you to suffer in silence. Anxiety is the part of my depression I find the absolute hardest to deal with and I would never wish it upon even my worst enemy.
Yesterday I was unable to get out of bed until shortly before 4pm on the only full day Adam and I get to spend together a week, leaving him out on the couch worrying about me as he has been for over a week now. Saying he is an Angel is an underestimate and I’m not even religious so using ‘Angel’ is just for lack of a better word. I basically rolled around in the fetal position as I have been for days now in between fits of tears.
I’ve relapsed into behaviors I have not exhibited in years. And my temper is scaring the shit out of even me. I know this will pass but NOT fast enough for me and the tempest it has brought forth is not without a fury causing irreconcilable damages to my life. But to be honest some of the damage it has caused was a long time coming and I’m simply “not ready to make nice” even if I weren’t as mentally sick as I am at present.
March 10th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
You have a friend in me, love. Stay strong.
March 10th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
I wish you the best at this time.
Do you get any consolation in writing?
March 10th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
I read your blog as often as I can and it kills me that you are feeling this way. I wish I was there, it has been to long since we have conected and seen each other. I hope things get better soon and I am so glad you have Adam. Eventhough I have never met him, he sounds like a really good guy!! I am happy that you found him. Just remember I am always here for you if you ever need me.
March 10th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Even if we haven’t met in person, Corinna, I hope you know that if you need anything, just let me know. I also wish you all the best at this time and always. Tonnes of positive thoughts and vibes sent to you!
March 11th, 2008 at 12:13 am
This may or may not be the time to think about additional therapies, but has your doctor discussed ECT (yes, electroshock) with you? It is not at all nasty — my dad had it more than 35 years ago to help treat major depression, and it helped him enormously. Studies apparently show that it has a very good success rate for depression, although I don’t know whether it works well for anxiety as well.
There’s a great segment about it on this week’s Quirks and Quarks:
http://www.cbc.ca/quirks/archives/07-08/mar08.html
Worth a listen at least. Sorry things are shitty, and I hope they improve.
March 11th, 2008 at 1:59 am
after Williams suicide, i had acute anxiety, including panic attacks. i understand the frustration, exhaustion and anger that goes along with them.
back then, i used to repeat several things to myself during an attack. i’m putting them here, because if something helps you, then why not share it..? (and i heard you like mantras)
——”i am safe” (say it to yourself) a lot. over and over.
—— to the anxiety:”I am in control here, not you!”
—— “anxiety, you can kiss my ass! because sure enough, this is my life not yours, and i plan to live it, think you can stop me? try me?
these worked particularly well (for me) at delegating any fear to it’s appropriate position in the universe. find the ones that work for your brain.
i also tried to continue any activities i was involved in. sure this FELT bad…as i was walking around shaking and wobbly legged and not able to breathe, but it retunes the brain to understand that life must take first spot, not fear. i also allowed myself to feel the feelings not fear them. i just accepted that i was feeling anxious and decided that it was ok..but that i was going to deal with them, until they passed, not allow them total control of me. this helped to dissipate the feelings slowly, but surely.
simple, somewhat silly things, but they helped me…i also took rest breaks, but set time limits to them..and yoga and tai chi helped me to release body tension that could trigger attacks. in the end, my desire to live life fully was stronger than my fear and so will yours be over time.
hugs..and try to give yourself over to the backrubs, even though it is going to feel scary and “wrong” at first. try and allow some comfort to come in.
don’t want to interfere, but sometimes something sneaks into the consciousness that really helps.
hugs chickadee!
March 11th, 2008 at 5:16 am
I didn’t even know I had “anxiety” until I finally caved and confess the crazy to my counselor. She explained it to me in medical terms of the two brains, our normal human brain, and the leftover primal brain. The primal brain makes all the anxiety. Funny enough, my anxiety is centered around my and my family’s personal safety.
I found it easier to explain it, as it is very different from depression, by using an episoide of Star TreK Next Generation! In particular, Genesis. It’s the one where the crew begins to de-evolve. If you can remember Picard crawling through the jeffries tubes, being chased by Whorf, who will most likely kill Picard if he gets him - Picard shows the panic and anxiety that we suffer from. I admit, the only thing chasing me is my own imagination.
Now that’s I’ve exposed my deep level of dorkiness, I know you’ll come through this ok. Challenge those voices! Tell them to fuck off! I’m here if you need me.
March 11th, 2008 at 7:06 am
I’ve also had the damn anxiety, less now than a few years ago but it will still rear it’s ugly head on occasion. I know that feeling of too amped up to swallow food, too weak to do anything but shiver. It is the worst feeling in the world. What’s helped me is the occasional Ativan, but I’m learning to even forsake those and just deal with my feelings. I firmly believe that since I was never taught how to deal with my feelings properly (raised by alcoholics) I’ve never learned good coping skills. My anxiety is based in irrational fear as I think most anxieties are.
I know a couple of things for sure about anxiety. You cannot simultaneously feel anger and fear. You can’t. Oh, you can for a moment or two but not for long. Get mad and stay mad.
Anxiety is the physical disconnection (I believe) of body from mind. You need to get out of the mind and into the body in order to feel strong. Run, walk, kick a bag, dance holes into your shoes, whatever it takes. It will also help with your breathing. If you are running, you HAVE to breathe, it forces you to. You can train yourself to breathe deep and recall that training when you are freaking out.
A friend once gave me this advice: Get a jar. Fill it with earthworms. Big, fat, juicy ones. Put a little soil in there. Then, when you panic, throw the worms away from you and think “Look, a distraction!!” Now, everytime I panic, I say to myself, “I wish I had a jar of worms!” and it makes me laugh every single time.
You need to turn this around for yourself. You need to rechannel your energy, harness the power, and reclaim your Self. I know you can do it!! Stay strong, kiddo. (I hope I haven’t told you all of this already because I’m having a serious case of deja vu!!!)
March 11th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Your description is spot on, if not a little on the mild side! Anxiety attacks are one of the scariest things in the world. I know when I’ve had them I feel like I’m going to die and you are right, there is no consoling anyone that is having an attack. I remember reading books on the subject and the descriptions in the books being so realistic that I almost talked myself into an attack. And, I am not saying that drugs are the answer either but it is clearly a chemical imbalance and if people want to feel better, some times the only solution is the drugs. Thank god for the drugs.
I hope you’re feeling better soon Corinna. I feel for you. I know what you’re going through and nothing makes it better but time…
March 11th, 2008 at 9:31 am
you are one strong chickita Corinna. Keep pushing forward, and things will get better. Hang in there lady!
March 11th, 2008 at 9:55 am
You can have my “Cranky” shirt if you want. It helped me a lot. I wore when I had the bad mood swings. I’m better now. It’s hard to explain how much a t-shirt can help.
March 11th, 2008 at 11:02 am
[…] if they would only invent a “depression card” or an “anxiety card“. Ya, […]
March 11th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
i like all these comments and they made me remember- i have another mantra:
anxiety management SKILLS not anxiety management PILLS.
not that i knock meds, everybody must work with it on their own terms..and when it’s very bad you need some help. but now i’m drug free and control my body and brain chemistry a lot with…food! apparently we really ARE what we eat. (and what we think and do).
who would have thought food would change my brain? but it did. after a few years of the meds and so on, i only felt worse and like WTF? evidently eating a good breakfast and lots of whole foods was better than all those doctor visits ha ha! and beans..beans are the answer to the wobbly blood sugar that worsens and follows those attacks. GO MEXICO!
*she prattles*
pick all your favorite earthy stuff..whatever..animals, plants, food, air…anything and use it….wounded places like lively, organic inputs..make a ton of brightly colored good food and eat it every day..and try not to do the meal skipping thing ever again..why neglect a precious person?
your body needs lurve…give it some. give it all it can take…put some stuff back to balance the stuff you give out..keep stuffing good stuff in there…push it down deep and know how much you totally deserve to get good stuff ALL THE TIME! light that counters the dark places. you deserve good things.
March 11th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
thank you all for your fantastic insightful comments!!!! they are always always appreciated. being that i took a break from writing about my depression and etc for a bit, it seems to be drawing in some new readers. please note that if i do not directly respond to your comment it is NEVER personal, sometimes i have just said all i have to say on the subject but i will always answer direct questions. since i started writing on depression people either feel safe commenting here or they feel safer emailing either way i HEAR you, appreiate you and am as there for you as you are for me
@Jeffrey Keefer yes i do except it all has to be edited before i post it because my brain doesn’t operate as well when im ‘this’ out of it and my grammar, spelling, etc is worse than normal.
@Derek K. Miller it honestly scares the shit out of me.. even though it was on a tv set having worked out at Riverview’s Crease Clinic only made my fears of it worse. but i am some one who will try almost anything unless it involves heights or snakes at least once.
March 11th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
nice work on the 4:20 reply Corinna
March 11th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Oh beautiful, I am so sorry… I didn’t realize it was this bad & I am so sorry that you were assaulted. I wouldn’t wish something like that on my worst enemy and the fact that you survived it and are continuing to “battle the demons” is a testament to your strength - not a weakness. No one is meant to go through that.
I have no brilliant words - only that I like you and wish you the best. I had anxiety issues as well (though no as severe as you are describing) and even that “slight” anxiety has been very difficult to deal with at those times (and even to articulate).
Know that you are loved.
March 11th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
stay strong, keep writing.
<3
March 12th, 2008 at 12:37 am
Hey you. You have so much on your plate right now, I can’t sat I know how you feel with this one. WOW, take it in small steps for now, Love you tons, sorry I haven’t been around much lately.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:52 am
Sorry you’re having to go through this crap! I cannot imagine what it’s like to feel shitty day after day.
But, after reading your post it opened my eyes to something that I hadn’t thought about. My son, he’s 16, has been on meds for 10 years for his adhd/depression/mood disorder (pick one because his diagnosis seems to change). He was then dx with cancer two months ago and we decided to take him off his meds. Frankly I couldn’t really tell the difference if he was on them or off and since he’s not in school while undergoing treatments, we thought it best.
But lately he’s been exhibiting the same symptoms you mention. He always says he feels like he can’t breathe, his throat closes up, and sometimes he cries and is fearful if I’m not right beside him, especially in the hospital. He can’t explain his feelings when he gets really upset, he just says he feels anxious and needs someone around.
I cannot say if it’s anxiety, being off meds, having cancer… But it’s definitely given me something to watch for going forward.
I’ll light a candle and send good vibes your way.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I can not add anything to this, your readers have said it all.
“Anxiety is the space between the now and the then.”
HUGS
March 17th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
I wish I had something helpful to say, but I’m new here and I don’t know you very well so everything that comes to mind just seems inadequte. I’m very sad to hear about everything you’re going through though, and I’m so glad that you have such a great partner.
Sending thoughts of power to you. You can do this.