Where I keep it real like Life
HOLY we are sooooo busy but some things need to be said so I must get on saying some of them!!
————————————————————————————————————
First off to my Bowl for Big Brothers sponsors I will be bowling on Thursday. There will be photographic evidence although I do not want any because I am so thin right now I don’t even like going outside it feels like everyone is staring at me and not in a good way.
Truth is some of my ridiculous actions got me rightfully tossed off the team. But I will still bowl oh yes I will bowl!
————————————————————————————————————
You may be asking yourself why I didn’t just take the post down, but I think now after having had a lot of time to think about it I’m leaving it up as an example of what not to do during a very bad break down brought on by the harbouring and keeping of secrets I should never have been told and allowing fear and jealously compounded by other things in my life I’m super happy about - both are those types of things in life that have seriously good pros with just as equally bad cons - to take over my life.
If there is one thing I HAVE TO STOP doing it is harbouring I have to learn how to tell people how I feel for real. Even if it sucks, because even though I won’t say anything behind your back that I won’t say to your face the fact is if I am saying it behind your back when I should be saying it to your face, saying it behind your back is also passive aggressive and not too bright because the blogging world is small so I know it is going to get back to whoever anyway and it is probably by then not going to be what I said but a changed let’s play telephone and whisper in each others ears grade seven drama version.
I caused a great disturbance within the force and I am sorry for that. It was wrong to air it out in a post on my blog. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I am not going to dissect which parts I meant and which parts I didn’t mean because I didn’t mean most of it; most of it came from sheer rage. In case you were wondering I have a bad temper. I had stopped saying bad temper and had down graded it to ‘temper’ I honestly did not know that I was still capable of rage like that, rage that was so strong that Adam tried to stop me from doing certain things and was unable to, he could have always restrained me but he didn’t for whatever reason. Rage so strong, scary rage, that doesn’t allow me as much control over my actions as I know that some, if not many, would like to believe I have. All this really means is that taking responsibility for certain things comes with a lot more guilt and embarrassment than it normally would.
Being that I am not ready to forgive myself for all that has happened, I am not ready to ask anyone for forgiveness and regardless the scars run deep on all sides and forgiveness may not even be an option for some actions for some words used.
I do know that one of the most important things I have learned thus far in my almost 31 years is how to laugh at myself and holy crap it rules, and I’ve been working on how to forgive people and forgive myself for things which is something I never ever saw as possible within myself because although I am a very some would say almost too forgiving person I am a person who forgives with BUTS and that is not fair and I’m committed to working on that.
————————————————————————————————————
Being honest with myself although I have made a lot of positive progress over the last year with my shrink, we’ve recently discussed it, obviously - you can’t end up in the hospital and not have it come up in session - I’ve had a relapse. I’m not better yet, I haven’t fully lifted my x-wing fighter out of the pond yet but I’m working on it and feeling better and better every day. I am not freaking out any more. I am stable. I’m still having a bit of anxiety which has caused a ridiculous amount of weight loss that I know I am going to be way over sensitive about for a while because normally when I lose this much weight I’m in shape so I at least have muscles, I don’t have muscles right now it is just a disgusting caved in stomach with hip bones pointing straight out and from behind I look like a dinosaur. I don’t think that I have ever actually been this thin in my adult life. I do not like it at all. My arms look disgusting, my breath is terrible and my size four wedding band that I have already had resized smaller once is too big. But the good news is that the war against my anxiety is back on, and it is back on in a big way.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:06 am
Good for you!
You deserve to have happiness in your life, so try to stay strong. It’s okay to fall down as long as you keep getting up to fight another day. Big hugs to you!
March 19th, 2008 at 8:36 am
This is some heavy stuff girlfriend. Glad you are evaluating with open eyes and things are getting better…Sending you love and good vibes…
March 19th, 2008 at 10:52 am
i’m glad the bowling is still on, and i wish you LUCK! don’t worry too much about “the thinner” just eat and relax it back on again! and yep! relapses are part of recovery and evidence thereof. big ups on the fighting approach.
corinna vs. anxiety…my moneys on YOU!
March 19th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Hooray! Sending you very positive vibes
March 19th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
+1 for each Star Wars reference
Right on for blogging all this stuff that others hide, and good luck with getting better.
March 19th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
What gillian said. The Star Wars references ROCK.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Hi,
We’re all crazy about you.
8^)
March 19th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
March 19th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Oh yeah I’m with gillian and NWJR … great references to Star Wars. Good luck in the bowling competition.
Hey, if you can eat, try eating lots of cheese and chocolate, that might help you put on a bit of weight.
March 20th, 2008 at 4:02 am
Amen to that!
Some people have never liked the fact that I ’shoot from the hip’ as it were.
It’s trait that comes from speaking without thinking, but it’s always a relief to know that i rarely have anything on my chest (this stems from having a patchy chest wig also) There can be obvious exceptions, those few sensitive types are the ones that grind my gears the most because even though they annoy the arse off of me I can’t ever seem to tell ‘em straight to their faces for fear of looking like the bad guy… Cue the blog. It’s THE place to vent, and recently I have discovered that even if others read it and take whatever personal message it is the wrong way, it’s nothing that can’t be resolved with a quick email and/or phone call.
People always expect that blogs are merely full of pictures of puppies in hats and (in my experience) are surprised when discovering that far from canines in head gear the blog is full of fowl language and abusive statements (only on my blog this is, not yours…) and real life inflections of “what I should’ve said’s” and “I would’ve called that guy a feltcher but there were children in the room’s” (Again I don’t think you’ve ever called anyone a feltcher on here, I think that’s just over on mine).
Anyway, again to reiterate, You speaking your mind is what kept me reading this here interwebs page in the first place. F**k ‘em if they don’t like it, they don’t have to read it.
xoxo
I’m off now to post pictures of puppies driving farming equipment.
C.J
March 20th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I wish I responded to anxiety by not eating, I do the opposite. Sorry to make light…. Glad you are doing better. So excited for our TOP SECRET adventure.
March 21st, 2008 at 12:49 am
Don’t beat yourself up - everyone does things they regret from time to time. As long as we learn from those things we’re better people because of them.
March 21st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
With what you have been through its amazing that you still carry on. You are so very strong and that is no bullshit sister. Everyone falls once in a while there is no shame in it as long as you get up again. We learn as we go….