It is shocking to me how quickly although not and never quick enough I can go from blinding breakdown strength rage to clarity and oh shit.

I have had a few pretty serious episodes with my depression in the last few years for sure, but Adam had never been a party to anything that intense before being that the last time I lost it even close to that bad was in 2003, it was the year I met Adam but I was already a few months into psychotherapy. I did not end up in the hospital though, I did give in to my rage to the point an ex boyfriend could have charged me with god only knows what, while out of my right mind, I destroyed with him lying on the couch RIGHT next to me trying to sleep at least three beer bottles, two glasses and a wine bottle that I had to smash into the floor a lot of times to even get it to break, it left a deep groove in the floor. My apartment floor was a sheet of glass and there was red wine on the ceiling. The worst that thankfully came of it was a nasty cut to one of my feet. But the amount of injury that random glass flying around could have caused leaves me feeling lucky to say the very least, at the time it scared the living shit out of me; I scared the shit out of myself. Our relationship did end shortly after that and I don’t know if it was because he had known me for more than three years at the time or if it was mutual friends or if he is just forgiving but he did forgive me for that because we are still friends today.

There are people I hurt in this breakdown that I’m really sorry I’ve hurt and one day hope to make amends with and others that to be honest I’m just not really that sorry and I’m not losing any sleep over it, I may have handled getting my message across wrong but it has been received now and forgive me but I’m concentrating on getting myself better right now and I will deal with what I feel needs dealing with when I’m ready, if at all, I may simply let it go and learn the lessons I’m supposed to and call it a day. I can’t have breakdowns like that around and hurt people I’ve only known in person for just over a year or less and expect them to forgive me like people who have known me for years may or may have in the past for similar or worse behavior. It is hard to ignore how people expect me to react to things when this episode is over and I’m trying to move on but I have to force myself to not care and block out negative energy.

I know and believe in my own self worth and that it is worth the little bit extra it takes to get into my inner circle but I also know that because of how unpredictable I can be that some people just don’t want to deal with that.

I still need to analyze how and why I allowed myself to get so lost so far gone, yes it happens, sure it happens but looking back at when the shit storm started last August it really was just a matter of time until I cracked, I just firmly believed that my days of such destructive behavior were over. But I think being back in tune with myself and now being aware of the fact that I don’t have my temper as in check as I’d like it and that I am way way too passive aggressive are hard lessons learned and are things I’m going to work on.

There are a lot of things I need to do right now to try and prevent another rage type breakdown. It feels so bad while it is happening and looking back on it is hard to even picture or feel to imagine I could be that destructive. It doesn’t make me happy. That is why I say I’m back to regular old depressed me because as is well known I’m too hard on myself and recovery is more difficult than I’d like it but I really believed I had come far enough and worked hard enough not to get myself into any of the situations that I blew myself out of.

Some people see me as someone that there is always something wrong with and maybe they are right, but at least I work on myself, at least I try and I never asked to suffer from depression, I never asked to have to battle suicidal thoughts constantly and sure as hell don’t like feeling like I have no control over myself and I rarely say why me? Maybe this is a way of saying that I do forgive myself but I can’t really start to get better until I do.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 26th, 2008 at 9:04 am and is filed under Depression & Therapy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. All content (c) 2005 - 2008 Gus Greeper, unless otherwise credited. All rights reserved.