The last key piece of bringing something around full circle, sometimes it isn’t even so much of an epiphany as it is a readiness within me to receive, process and action the information.

The last year maybe two, you lose track of time when you’ve been going for so long, of my therapy has been heavily concentrated on learning how to breathe properly, getting in touch with my inner body feeling the breath as it enters the exact cavity I aim it into. I also took some Pilates to get in touch with my core with secondary hopes of being able to run competitively against MYSELF again. I have disks on breathing I have paper work on it, we talk about it in session all the time, it is pretty mind boggling that breathing properly can be hard. That it takes specific exercises to learn how. I am wound so tight that breathing properly is extremely hard for me and using it to unlock my body is a long and arduous process.

Gus is getting old, she is getting bitchier. Her personality mirrors mine pretty closely, fourteen years together is a long time.

At the beginning of the year as a resolution type thing whenever Gus would start acting up and taking it past play fighting to OUCH DON’T BITE ME, instead of getting all super mad and OUCH DON’T BITE ME I would calmly look at her at eye level and repeat while petting her “this is the year of a calm Gus, I will not engage you”. Adam probably thought I’d keep at it for a day. But I’m still at it because without even knowing it I made a natural progression from learning how to breathe and calm myself to also changing my energy.

The thing is I have always been well aware of the energy I put out into the world and it has for the most part always been negative I just did not give a shit I really didn’t.

I don’t pay for therapy, if I’m not working, if I’m not making progress EVEN if I relapse here and there he has no reason to expend the positive energy it takes to help me, especially when there have been months at a time when talking to me is like talking to a brick wall, where I’ve spewed nothing but negative energy and he must have been frustrated as shit but he always waits me out.

There are ways that I practice learning that I made a huge part of my life before therapy, I’ve always been able to accept the reasons why people come in and out of my life, I call them good teachers and bad teachers, but if you were a bad teacher for me it in no way means I think you are a bad person, it just means I learned a lesson from you that came from a negative situation. I feel this helped me when I was single and dating, I always knew that what I was putting out was what I was getting back, I remember even buying He isn’t that into You for a friend. You can’t put out sexual sexual sexual and then get pissed off when a guy doesn’t call you back after he bangs you and you email him and you call him again and you page him and you lose your mind because YOU want a relationship. HELLO, just the other ‘night’ you were pressing those girls up into his face and dropping those panties weren’t you? Hmmm I wonder why he went RUNNING.

Even though I have always been a willing participant when it comes to learning new things and learning form my experiences with other people it never dawned on me that the energy I was putting out there was a major part of what holds me back.

My shrink started to suggest that I watch The Dog Whisperer, he suggested it a lot of times before I did but he had also started to talk about energy and how strong it is and for some reason it all just clicked at that moment that even though I hadn’t and don’t practice it all the time, I realized that I decide what I’m going to put out there and even though I have no control over what I get back, I decide, I live with the consequences of not just my action but my energy. If I leave the house having decided to stand tall and portray positive energy even though I woke up to some horrible song screaming in my ear and washed my face with shampoo and forgot to take my tampon out and am just bitchy but just because I’m bitchy doesn’t mean I have to project it onto everyone around me whether unconsciously or not. The Dog Whisperer comes in because this Cesar dude has tapped into this and is making himself millions it is pretty fascinating and beyond helpful watching him ‘fix’ the owners it is rarely the dog that needs the ‘real’ help. I know there are lots of ways to learn how to redirect your energy and how to have it help you in achieving a more positive lifestyle this just happened to work for me. I talk about animals a lot in therapy, I guess the Doc saw an in, who knows but I watch the show a lot mainly because it reminds me to practice the projecting. And what a coincidence that I had already started to practice trying to change my energy towards my cat and didn’t even realize it was going to help me in my day to day life.

The most rewarding thing about learning how to control and direct your energy is that it contains instant gratification. It doesn’t take as much work as learning how to breathe into all of the separate areas of your upper body and deeeeeep deeeeep down into my diaphragm all it takes is deciding to project positive thoughts. I don’t always decide to, but the thing is I never ever used to even think about it, I had no awareness at all for what was going on around me and how my energy was affecting other people. And I don’t know much but I do know I’m happier, not all the time but when I concentrate on it and make a point of watching the show and when I don’t make snotty comments about whoever or whatever, I know it makes me feel good about myself. Almost grown up or something.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 11th, 2008 at 1:02 pm and is filed under Depression & Therapy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. All content (c) 2005 - 2008 Gus Greeper, unless otherwise credited. All rights reserved.