Loser Got Mail
666 Devil Street
Hollywood, Crap Ville
California
Dearest Tom,
Please do not misinterpret this letter; I hate you, this is not a fan letter. Yes, Tom you are right I have nothing better to do than bash celebrities, get over it or don�t read my letter.
I used to tolerate you cause my sweet Mother thinks you are the shit. She even has one of your movies; I may have even bought it for her. Not because I love you though, because I love my Mother.
I didn�t see your stupid appearance on Oprah, I don�t like her either and the previews of you making an ass of yourself were enough for me. I almost barfed just watching the commercials of you jumping up and down on her gay, �what ever color leather� couch that is. I could smell your shit stench through the TV and changed the channel. But there you were again on some other stupid show, I could barely see you cause Katie was in the shot too with her wart face, the warts YOU gave her. Man I hope you didn�t do that to her snapper too. Poor girl. You know Tom I never really liked Katie either and now I am torn between offering her my love and support to get the fuck away from you or weather I should hate her more for falling under your 4�11 spell.
I am not even going to get into your religious beliefs because you are so uneducated you would have no idea what I was even talking about. I will just say this Tommy boy, you should be thankful that I am on medication or I may have to add to the hits out on your life. Oh but wait you don�t even think things like depression exist do you? Go figure you don�t believe in post partum depression either, what with your kids being adopted and all. I hope Brooke Shields kills you.
Exhibit A
Also, please note Exhibit A: does it look like Katie likes you in this photo? It looks to me like she is trying to run away and fast. How much are you paying her? Is it equal to her Dawson�s Creek salary? Tom, you aren�t going to make her career you are going to break it. Your movies are crap. Her movies are only good when she shows her tits. And even then I was bored. I was also totally excited about Batman but now I am totally freaked out cause I don�t want to even have to think about you and her together in any way shape or form.
Remember that movie you were in? The one with Jack Nicholson, the one where he yells: YOU CAN�T HANDLE THE TRUTH�..Well Tom I think he was right.
Retire, don�t do movies anymore, die or something, no one likes you, everyone hates you why don�t you just go out to your garden and eat worms?
June 16th, 2005 at 11:52 am
Doom to the love haters! I adore them together only because I adore a great love story - do remember the experience that was The Notebook? If you refuse to even fathom that there love affair might be for real, we should support them for that reason alone and then I will make you watch ALL the movies that make me cry like a baby. “I see you Louis, I see you. I’m here - look at me Louis, I am here for you!!!!”
June 16th, 2005 at 11:53 am
Oprah will forgive you for hating her. Tom however may sick some of his crazies on you- woops he doesn’t believe in crazies- I mean challenged friends who will only succeed with the help of scientology.
June 16th, 2005 at 12:14 pm
[img]http://www.chindogu.ca/tom-is-gay.jpg[/img]
June 16th, 2005 at 12:39 pm
So I’m not clear on this, can I read into your post that you don’t like Tom!!!!
June 16th, 2005 at 1:08 pm
I know!!! The body language in that picture is so easy to read…there is no way in hell these people are in an intimate relationship…she really looks like a hostage.
And apparently even when she hasn’t been with Tom (because they are promoting their movies in different parts of the world) some chick from the Church of Scientology has been following her around! Creepy.
June 16th, 2005 at 2:06 pm
THAT’S hilarious.
when i first heard of this unholy union.. i thought to myself.. isn’t he old enough to be her dad?!?! that’s just foul..
but then again.. go demi moore.. ashton is a fuckin’ hottie.
June 16th, 2005 at 3:35 pm
Not to change subjects here, but are you going to post a picture for HNT?
June 16th, 2005 at 5:21 pm
hehe. comments are funny. Osbasso quickly becomes my favorite.
June 16th, 2005 at 6:09 pm
Hanner: i can’t believe you even admit to liking them. i will find it within myself to forgive you.
David: that made me laugh so hard i am lucky mrs. stupid e isn’t knocking at my door
Dad: he is definitely a member of the Film.Actors.Guild
Binsk: creepy.creepy and then some more creepy.
Sarah: rock on demi, die tom
osbasso: my g-f is bringing her camera tonight i tried to scan my part but it has been broke so i couldn’t get it flat enough, i will make my HNT debut next thursday
Ho: YOUR comment is funny
June 16th, 2005 at 6:46 pm
If you were so inclined, you could still post it tonight. To paraphrase Alan Jackson/Jimmy Buffett–”It’s Thursday night somewhere….”
June 16th, 2005 at 8:47 pm
i can’t hate on tom.. i’d do katie, given the opportunity or the appropriate ammount of ether.
June 16th, 2005 at 9:23 pm
i have always harboured a desire to make business cards that describe my job as “scienceologist”. the reason that i have not put this plan into action is because of the overwhelming similarity to “scientologist”. they have excluded irony from the church. how dare they. shame.
June 16th, 2005 at 11:04 pm
osbasso: i will do my best to make the wait a worth while one. i am going to have to get a camera some how..maybe i will sell stuff or something or go old school and use my FILM one.
MCG: thanks for commenting anyway. what you have to say about katie is divine.
June 17th, 2005 at 12:34 am
‘with her wart face, the warts YOU gave her.’
now thats priceless.
would you love it,by some strange crazy twist in coincidences,that he actually read this? i would pay $$$
June 17th, 2005 at 6:14 am
did you watch the news, this morning? he was…everywhere.
June 17th, 2005 at 7:22 am
They are now engaged- he proposed at the top of the eifel tower.
June 17th, 2005 at 8:34 am
his antics are getting as old as he is. i hate pushover publicity. i’m glad i’m taller than him so i can step on him. haha!
June 17th, 2005 at 9:17 am
Oh my GOD! Tom just broke up with Katie at the top of the Empire State Building, leaving her for a younger woman.
[img]http://www.chindogu.ca/tom-gay-yes.jpg[/img]
June 17th, 2005 at 10:56 am
i think i am going to BARF…..everywhere
June 17th, 2005 at 12:30 pm
you are funny!!!! you’ve made your point BIG TIME
June 17th, 2005 at 1:02 pm
you are hillarious, but i am in total agreement. Brooke should kick his 3ft circus midget ass!
June 17th, 2005 at 6:41 pm
Great rant!
June 18th, 2005 at 5:04 am
I agree with your sentiments, although I draw the line at “snapper.” Katie’s just in over her head.
God save Dakota and all precocious eleven year-olds.
June 18th, 2005 at 7:21 am
I used to like Tom Cruise, really I did. I thought he had a cute ass. But after he dropped Nicole like a bad habit I instantly got the feeling that he was queer. This letter pretty much sums up my feelings for him at this point. He’s a skeezebucket, albeit a rich one. But I still think he’s a queer.
June 18th, 2005 at 10:13 am
I thought therapy was supposed to help you deal with your issues
???
June 18th, 2005 at 11:41 am
Tom caught on Great Wall of China with Alien lover!!!!
[img]http://www.chindogu.ca/toms-alien-lover.jpg[/img]
June 18th, 2005 at 1:55 pm
I feel betrayed cause the little picture of the pouty lips and glasses compelled me to read this post, and I despise all celebrities be definition. Now I know *way* more than I wanted to.
I demand that the little picture be removed.
June 18th, 2005 at 7:24 pm
Motherfuckin’ word!!
June 30th, 2005 at 4:30 pm
Too funny! I liked Top Gun and Risky Business but I was only a teenager and didn’t know any better. I tell my kids that EVERYTHING in Hollywood is FAKE. The sooner they learn that the better.
Your open letter fits in nicely with my post. Did you read the other one I did from a few days ago? When Katie “Dear God woman get away from him!” Holmes has decided that she will raise her children in the “church” of Scientology? Scary stuff, man.