OFFICIALLY JOINING THE NO BABIES CLUB
By the time you read the first sentence of this post Adam will have had himself snipped. Had a vasectomy. I don’t remember having to shave my hairy ass crack for my ass surgery but Adam did have to shave his balls. But I’ll leave the nuts and bolts talk for Adam because the boy goin’ blog about the whole thing. I would assume you’ll see his first post as soon as he can comfortably sit and write. Maybe if I picture a laptop long enough and concentrate hard enough one will just miraculously appear, that would seriously rule and prove me wrong on sooooooooooo many things.
There has been talk of this upcoming V in various forms over the past few months on GG. At first I was keeping pretty mum on it because Adam had not told his family, his relationship with his family affects me, I wish we were both closer to them but we aren’t and I asked him if he was going to call them and tell them or if he cared if they found out via the internet. He said via the internet was fine. I went from alluding to it to admitting it.
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I remember being around twenty-six when my biological clock started to tick. I found this extremely alarming because I had fought endlessly with the self proclaimed pundits over the facts that “I was young” and “would change my mind about not wanting children when I was older”. I do not believe twenty-six to be old but it isn’t young either. I’d already been through more at twenty-six than I’d say most folks have gone through by fifty; until the ticking time bomb started my mind wouldn’t wander into hypothetical ‘baby bliss moments’ very often. I also met Adam that year. I was blatantly honest with Adam that I did not want children but that my body was seriously fucking with me and telling me I did but that my mind was working overtime telling it to fuck the fuck off. I spoke with a girlfriend I was extremely close in age with who also did not want children but was also feeling the effects of the good ol’ biological clock and how hard it was to fight. Other than finding someone who was my age and didn’t want kids but the clock was still ticking that was all the knowledge I gained from that conversation. Totally a let down.
I had never and did not want children and neither did Adam. At this point our relationship was still new so we didn’t discuss the whys. But like a lot of couples we had a couple of pregnancy scares. One that was just that a scare, for whatever reason my period didn’t show one month it was a January. The second I *may* have been carrying something, my period was over a week late but I was not showing positive on pregnancy tests and I had been to a walk in clinic when the bitch still hadn’t shown up and showed negative there as well but when I finally got my period it was EXTREME. More extreme than any period I have ever had. I won’t go into detail, I think every woman has either heard this particular story before or had it happen.
These incidents sent me on a mini lets constantly talk about a hypothetical baby and how AWESOME it would be to have a REAL ONE kick. This didn’t last long because eventually even the hypothetical kid grew up and we seriously boooo-ed on that. Once the hypothetical crap past we got married already knowing but having not revealed to either side of the family that we were one hundred percent not going to have children. With my being an only child and female it just did not seem fair to tell anyone before the wedding, but even when I would allow myself to fantasize for real about kids it would always be as a mom of two boys and I’d be a hockey mom but it never went past the hockey mom part.
I am not going to bash on my childhood or bash on my parents, what would that prove? The past is the past, although yes it is one of the biggest reasons that I do not want children. The truth is I despised being an only child and the neglect I felt was something that five years of therapy is still helping me work on. I can’t change the truth or how I remember my youth, I can just deal with it.
On and even more personal level what was torture for me aka highschool a place that ultimately lead to a suicide attempt with a lengthy hospital stay and how I was treated after this incident also play largely into my no baby reasons. Sure, I had my ass kicked a few times, was verbally abused in the hallways almost daily, my locker vandalized with nasty shit written on it almost weekly, I’d have to have people come pick me up at school from time to time, the tires were popped on my car, twice, and my photo was posted up in the males washroom with obscenities I won’t even repeat next to it and so on and so on but it is nothing, just NOTHING compared to the fate of a child targeted by bullies today and there is no way to determine who will be the loser and who will be the bully. And even if there were it wouldn’t change my mind.
There is nothing worth taking that risk for me.
There has always been a part of me that feels slightly guilty because there are so many women who want children and for whatever unfortunate reason can not have them. But it isn’t my fault that adopting is so hard. And I believe strongly having felt it that if you make it through that biological clock ticking away at the high decibel it tended to tick at that you know what you want, better yet, I’ve always known deep down what I want and it isn’t a child. I think babies are pretty fun, but the part where you hand them back over is the best. Kids like me since I’ve truly left any thoughts of having a child behind me, my energy towards them is entirely different and they are responsive to me, they used to scare the shit out of me before and I know they could sense me coming a mile away. I do get scared of being old and alone, like what if Adam dies? Or when Adam dies what if I’m pretty young but can’t bear to have another man in my life and am forced to live alone forever in pajamas with lots of cats and all the seasons of Oz and Sex and the City and masturbation becomes my life and I only order in, even my books?
And last but not least I obviously suffer from various super fun mental illnesses. Between the possibility of passing that on and my child having to deal with half of what I dealt with being a kid, a young adult and an adult, there were some great times, but not enough to even consider bringing a child into THIS world.
We always talked about Adam getting a V but we didn’t think we could afford it. And so we just dreamed of it until the fateful day it came up in a conversation with a couple who had made the decision to get the snip snip snip too and we discovered they are free here in the lovely nation of Canada, felt like idiots for a second for not knowing and then he made an appointment. We’d already been welcomed into the club; we are now just making it official.
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:42 am
Nicely put! Hope ABCIV’s V is not too painful. (Ouch.)
I know I want to have at least one kiddo, but not now. (Constantly getting pressured by our parents is not making it any easier/better.) Of course, I’m about to start teaching (middle school) so maybe I’ll join the club, too!
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:58 am
I look forward to reading Adam’s take on the whole thing! I hope it all went smoothly
As always Corinna, your openness about your past is inspiring and appreciated… having been on the other side of the coin during my high school years and coming to regret a lot of the things I did to other people, I can somewhat relate to the fears of having a child go through a lot of that bullshit… it is terrible and unfortunate and shouldn’t have to be endoured by anyone. Kids can be so unbelievably cruel
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:07 am
Isn’t it reversible even if he changes his mind later?
Anyway, I hope he feels oka
I’m not a breeder either. I wonder if I could convince Paul to snip… nah, I can’t even convince him to marry me… ahahaha
Cheers!
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Welcome to Team No Babies!
May 23rd, 2008 at 3:55 pm
@Jen im sworn to secrecy on any ouchies
@Dan im taking dictation on it now….
@BD they actually aren’t as easily reversible as people are lead to believe they are
@Kimli SHIT i called it CLUB, glad im still on the *team*, that was CLOSE. we need a new photo taken the one on my flickr does not have enough of us in it.
May 23rd, 2008 at 4:41 pm
YOUCH !!!
I hope he recovers with some really good pain meds….and kudos to u both for sticking to your guns on this one. power to the people…and whatnot.
May 23rd, 2008 at 6:44 pm
passionately put… from a lady who just had a baby, and has decided to have at least one more.. your reasons are both logical and compassionate. When I think of Abby’s childhood I just hope it is less traumatic than mine… my heart totally respects you for not wanting to take that risk… kids are mean! Thank you for sharing.. everything.
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Corinna, I want to put my arms around for some of what you’ve been through. That’s not pity talking, just a friendly love from a friend across Canada.
I, too, for reasons best left unsaid here, don’t want children.
Congrats on being decisive and respecting your own self. Too many women cave to the clock and the guilt because we feel many pressures to fulfill some prescribed destiny as bearers of seed. It’s a tangled socio-economic, emotional and psychological web and you are strong for doing what you believe is best for you.
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:45 pm
So much I can say…but probably by offending others so I shut up. Not having a child I am sure is so much harder of a decision to make then when to actually have one. Like yourself, I am not. but as I said, I have to stop there
May 23rd, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Corinna, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and admire your courage to put it all out there like you do. My husband had the snip job done when I was 30. He had wanted to do it a few years earlier but did not as the whole idea upset me so much. Even though he had made it plain and clear from day one that he did not want children, it just felt so final to me. He didn’t go ahead with the snip job when he wanted to and I really respected him for considering my feelings. I finally gave him the okay and he went ahead with it a couple years later. Like you, both of us had childhoods that did nothing to foster the desire to have children. It won’t be so bad for Adam and you’ll both be glad for the decision you made and the freedom that comes with not feeling the need to breed. BTW-I have seen you and Adam in the West End walking around. We must live fairly close to one another. I know Tanya, so that is how I stumbled across your blog some time ago. Anyway, the best to you and Adam. Maybe we’ll meet up one day at one of Tanya’s get togethers.
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:38 pm
I’m proud of you and your husband for talking about this openly. It is a taboo subject. I just had my tubes tied, and hubby had a V 5 years ago. We are double sterilized. w00t.
May 24th, 2008 at 12:33 am
Wishing Adam a speedy recovery and sending him and you lots of positive thoughts!
Rock Band soon.
May 24th, 2008 at 1:00 am
Hugs to you and Adam. And your honesty with yourself and others is beautiful.
Am with you babe - have my own reasons for not wanting kids - not the least of which is that I am totally uninterested in the entire concept or lifestyle. And, while it did seriously suck to be me when I was a kid too - major alienation and brutally lonely - the bottom line is that I have no biological clock - which, I admit, thrills me
And if one more person tells me I will change my mind - I am nearing 34 & have heard that crap since I was 18 - I will lock them in a room with Nickleback music and a rabid and horny alpaca.
May 25th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
i have always firmly believed that what we choose to have go into or come out of our vaginas was pretty much up to us, so more power to you both. the least we owe ourselves is being comfortable with our choices and doing what is right for us..hope Adam heals super fast!
my feelings about this subject have always been colored and emotionally charged by my own childhood trauma, which i feel is rather sucky really. the slice of freedom to have things turn out “the way they do” and “being ok with that” “even if it’s not perfect or it’s completely shitty” was swiped from me early on..very early on…i had to learn it, and it isn’t easy. not being a control-freak type person that is. LOL i was raised by one and they make ..lets not say “poor” parents but impractical ones
May 26th, 2008 at 9:03 am
we need to make up Team NO Babies shirts…for reals yo!
May 26th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
I love the tee shirt idea.
May 27th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Good fucking job! You rock. And what’s wrong with being the crazy cat lady?
June 7th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
This is in NO WAY a criticism of your decision. Having children is serious and I’m happy that you have made a choice that fits what you want out of life. So many people don’t make that decision and end up with kids that cramp their lifestyle and the result is unhappy, messed up kids.
Anyway, I DO have a response to the oft heard comment of “why would I want to bring kids into THIS world?”
My response is this: To Make it Better. There are so many jackasses and two-bit no goods having kids, genetic wastelands, drunks, assholes, jerks, narcissists, racists and violent MTFCKERS having kids, that more than anything, I want all the great, wonderful, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, consciencous, sensible, aware people I know to have babies to counterbalance the babies bred by the former list of miscreants.
The latter list of people who make living life good need to have children and raise them to also make living life good, to make a difference, to bring love and understanding, to teach tolerance and peace, to foster common sense and inter-dependence, to pass on a legacy of education, unselfishness and all the other great things about the great people I know. Because the rednecks are still breeding. Because the more the rednecks breed and the less the non-rednecks breed, the more the balance shifts towards humans being 100% retarded jackass idiots.
Good people (who want kids) need to have them or the human race is doomed!!!
I may post this in my blog. Yep.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
A noble sacrifice: Having “the snip” so that you won’t have to do “the pop” (and then 50 years of parenting after that for both of you).