Remind me NOT to;
Have a breakdown of the magnitude of the one I’m still physically recovering from ever again.
I can’t tell if it really was that bad or if the natural progression of my age since my last bad one is making a full physical recovery seem near impossible and has gotten to the point where YAY! I don’t want to leave my house again and that is the last thing I need to be feeling right now.
Last year when I finally hit what I considered a healthy weight [see below] I was STILL criticized by some for my lack of obvious muscles, and was called fat.
I’ve always been small, until an unfortunate running injury [that I still have, LONG story!!] most people have known me to be extremely athletic with an athletic build, athletic lifestyle and always fit. I remember a day a friend and I got up, went for a run, went skiing, hit a bucket of balls at the driving range on the way down from the hill, and then decided to hit a ten pin bowling alley before calling it a day and heading for a massive meal. I was running between 44:30 and 46 minute ten ks on the pavement and in my sleep. Those days are left as some of my fondest memories and I yearn for them to become a reality again soon. And the worst is I know that I’d be FASTER now.
Adam said the other day “you HAVE to start running again” and he is right, when I am running nothing can stop me, nothing can get me down, I’m clam, collected and in control, probably a bit more arrogant than normal but someone you want around all the time not ONLY in small doses, not someone who is unreliable and not someone that there is ALWAYS something wrong with. When I look back on my life thus far the hardest and worst times have all taken place in periods where for whatever reason I stopped because of them or was already on a short break from running.
This post isn’t about my running history though it is about weight, the point there being that when I’m running which I was basically my whole life up until late 2003 you could call me thin, you could call me skinny - even though I’d be smacking you upside the head for the skinny remark in my mind and stabbing you with invisible lasers - but you could NEVER call me anorexic I was too built and I ate like a mother-fucker one of those skinny bitches [that term makes me want to rip my FACE OFF!] who could eat anything in any amount and did.
For someone who grew up being the smallest of all my friends and still is, except for one, but she has a healthy body, I got so used to the remarks that when they stopped it was as if I had descended upon some odd fantasy land where I was viewed as a WOMAN with curves and BOOBS, I was proudly referring to my weight gain as my honeymoon fifteen and did things like this, but that wasn’t supposed to mean that I’d welcome becoming an anxiety stricken unhealthy too thin depressed self loathing person in the second year of my marriage and drop to a weight that I know is lower than I’ve ever been in my adult life. I refuse to step on a scale, the lack of my clothing and undergarments fitting leave me pretty confident that my estimate of my current pounds is scary enough and I haven’t owned a scale in over a decade.
Aside from my weight, and how unhealthy I am in general, no energy, sleeping loads, hair falling out and just knowing I’m sickly I’ve been pretty happy mentally, steady happy, I’m recovering from set backs faster, when I freak out it is toned down times a trillion million for serious, I’ve had two days that have been real bad but the rest have just been the occasional normal down days there haven’t been any bouts of depression lasting more than a few days, I’ve stepped away from the computer when wanting to be an ass hole, I took a break from posting as you can see by the front page of dates and I’m coming back to posting complaining about my weight for a reason.
If you are over weight, fat, too thin or skinny which ever term you do or don’t prefer here is something I know you don’t like - PEOPLE COMMENTING ON IT TO YOUR FACE! Look, I get it, people talk, I’ve gotten that one for years and it has helped me greatly but this is where you talk behind my back about how much weight I’ve lost. Unless you want to help me in a positive way to get my weight back on then fuck the fuck right the fuck off. Just to be clear, I’m not talking about anyone who talks to me in a genuinely concerned way, I’m not talking about my inner circle I’m talking about people in general, this ISN’T just about me it is about anyone who struggles with depression, unwanted or wanted weight, trust me, just trust, when I say NO ONE wants to hear it. WE KNOW!!!!!
This is something ingrained in society that will never change but infuriates me and I had forgotten how much. At the weight in the above photo NO ONE commented in a negative way unless they themselves were anorexic. If you were in my most inner circle it meant congratulations because I had finally done it, I had finally put on weight, and I finally FELT like a woman. Right now I feel like a fucking pre-pubescent girl, I feel disgusting, unhealthy and sick and no one in their right mind should want to look how I look at present. This past week has been the worst yet. I have been sick in the guts almost every day, nauseous, winded coming up the stairs and not able to get up and stay out of bed for long periods. I’m hoping that writing this is the intervention I need to get physically healthy again and I think I need to face that I’m going to need my doctors assistance my shrink knows I’m struggling and we talk about it but that doesn’t seem to be enough. If only one of them could prescribe me a start off of twenty free pounds, I’d even sign a wavier promising not to add it all to my tits.
Starter GOALS:
Get out of the house EVERY DAY no matter what rain or shine for at least a half an hour or more,
Eat a minimum of three times a day even if I have to force feed myself or drink protein shakes
June 12th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
And when did it become acceptable for 6 year old girls to say to perfect strangers ina supermarket “You’re fat!” ?
June 12th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
You need to start hitting the pavement (trails would be better for your knees) again. I’ve known you for a long time now, over a decade and I’d say that you were the happiest when you were running. You need to get out there to get “that high”! When you’re out there, you are unstoppable. Everything becomes clearer for you. You see a different perspective. I know its all in due time, but get your arse out there!
June 12th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I know you can do it. Maybe add a deep, calming breath where you remind yourself of how you fucking rock?
You’re always a woman to me.
June 12th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I hear ya!!! I have had an incredible weight gain since my back issues last year. I also used to be a runner and know the great emotions and physical feelings you experienced. All I can say is it is a very slow not always straight line journey back to a healthy place. I think your idea of a few goals is excellent. Just keep at it and when ya need to vent.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Welcome back! I’ve missed you. I was just thinking about emailing you today to find out where you were.
Nice bra you’re wearing in that photo.
Go the protein shakes as well as eating maybe? You’ll get the weight back.
xox
June 13th, 2008 at 12:19 am
Dude!
I like your blog, I like your writing, I like you as a person, and whatever the fuck people say, it’s completely nuts. You are beautiful as you are, PERIOD. Whatever they want to say, they’ll say.
It was great to spend your birthday with you and Tanya and we TOTALLY should hang out again. And you’ll be back to whatever weight/shape/form you want to be.
By the way - don’t wake up at 7.30am - that’s awful. I hate early mornings.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:07 am
The running certainly sounds like a good idea if you love it that much. It’s good to see you back blogging.
June 13th, 2008 at 7:27 am
I was starting to get worried since you haven’t been back since Adam’s procedure. So, I’m glad to see you back posting, BUT I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. As someone who has been tormented by weight issues my whole life I can completely relate Corinna! Anyone who comments on another person’s weight to their face is an insensitive ass hole. I’ve dealt with them all my life too, even going so far as to cut my grandmother off for a time because of a comment she made to me. It’s so hurtful but somehow people seem to not realize this because they are fuck faces!
I think running again would do you good. I remember some of your posts from when you were running and how great it made you feel, and some of the great pictures you took while you were out and about! Go for it girl, do it at your own pace and when you feel like it, there’s no pressure, just remember that it will make you feel good, alive!
Also, i think you look great, no matter what your weight. AND, remember that your awesome husband does too. He loves you no matter what you think you look like. Unfortunately, we’re all our own worst critic. Be nicer to yourself. You would be hot if you were 80 pounds or 800 pounds! Now go get your running shoes on!!
June 13th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Absolutely get out there everyday! (like I am one to talk). Hope you are feeling physically better soon (mentally, meh I kinda like you a little crazy
) I know it is easier said then done but focus on health first then the weight. Have a great Birhtday tomorrow and I will try my hardest to call you ON TIME! Break tradition ya know! 
June 13th, 2008 at 8:39 am
I think you can do it! And I think you Will do it!
Things are looking way, way up for you. I can tell just by reading this
Happy early Birthday!!
I wish I could be seeing you guys soon =\
June 13th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
@Stephen Rees it never became ok, it is unfortunately in my opinion kids regurgitating what they hear mommy saying her friends, on the phone etc.. and etc..
@Spockette thank you and yes of you are right
@Jack Smynde lol, thanks comment was great!!
@MJ Ankenman thank you for sharing and your support i appreciate it
@maja I MISSED YOU TOO!
i’ll be back around your blog soon im a little scared to sign into my feed 
@Raul i gotta get up early i have wife duties to attend too, barefoot!
@stu thank you
@thefunkybee thanks bee it means a lot that you are still around after three years now.
@Rhonda i will always be slightly crazy no worries there my friend, NO WORRIES!
@Dan yeah boo on no visit! but next year i know you will come out if not later this year ….
June 13th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Ugh - I fucking HATE scales! I was so pissed at my last “female doctor” visit when the guy announced to half the damn office that I’d gained NINE POUNDS since last year. I knew I’d gained, but I didn’t want to know how much. :/ Anyway, I am trying to get back into yoga and pilates. I was so much slimmer when I did that.
Running takes too much dedication for me. So, rock those runnin’ shoes, lady!
(PS - Welcome back to the blog. I’ve missed ya.
)
June 16th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Run for me. I can’t stand the impact to my bad ankle… or I would run. I plan to make the local community swimming pool lap lane my best friend. I wouldn’t worry about what others think (although we all do don’t we) because really it is how you feel about yourself. Tell yourself several times a day that you like yourself, you love yourself, and remind yourself of the reasons why. It works wonders. I do it.
I hope we can hang out some time this summer and finally meet. I need to buy me a sock monkey.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
That picture is relevant to my interests.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Adam is a good man, he knows what’s best for his wife. It sounds like running is not only good exercise for you, but good therapy as well. Same for me and the drums.
Cheers
June 19th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
you know what’s best for you, and i suspect adam, too. i like what ben said about running being your therapy. but i think it’s more than that. i think it’s something you truly love. and i always know one should pursue one’s love because in the end, it will always be worth it. i’m thinking of you and sending you much love. xx.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:05 pm
excercise=appetite. you’ll get no complaints from me. good luck!