When I get sick I am a pretty big baby combine that with seasonal allergies and night time barfing and things have been fantastic!

Boooo last Friday I had to cancel therapy re: being sick, no girl time re: being sick and I had only been looking forward to that for WEEKS! Adam is sick as well so we’ve been passing this shit back and forth and at first I wasn’t snotty I just felt EXTRA balloon migraine head with MILD head cold, NOW I’m getting full head cold and snotty. YAY! I’ve been having really awesome night sweats as well and I haven’t been forgetting to take my crazy people tits and so therefore I can not pin point a reason other than being SICK.

In other news, The Greeper has a new place that she likes to sleep. Pretty exciting shit eh? I know, I thought so too until it turned out she’s serious and has taken over half the spot I sleep in. She has of course had other phases, other places she goes back to. The fashion box, the tent, I’m sure she will get bored of sleeping right below BUT almost ON my pillow soon.

Our camera is not back from being fixed yet so we had to buy a back up one. We couldn’t delay the monkeys any more due to lack of photos, but at the same time we HAVE to be able to take photos of our product. This issue of course led us into a discussion of other things that could happen to slow us down, when we are just about done with a lot of the start up necessities and can now work on picking up our production pace. I mentioned that there would come a time that we’d make a monkey, look at it, hate it or it would not meet our quality standards and we’d have to start over. Really, did I say that out loud? Because it happened the monkey after I said it! YAY! We have informed the buyer, I figure honesty is best, there is only two of us and both of us had a hand in it sucking so we’ve had to start over. Now we have a physically challenged monkey in our apartment, at least Dr. Vegas finally has a monkey that isn’t going anywhere to play with mostly because it is blind and can’t speak. Once that red thread goes on for the mouth the suckers don’t shut up. Banana this, poo in your face that.

My Dad is supposed to be dropping two boxes of stuff off to Adam and I on Saturday, some of my stuff, some stuff they are giving us, some stuff that has been in the family forever that I am taking because I’m the last member of our family and I don’t want it leaving the family till I die I guess. Small problem though, my Dad and I got into one of our infamous fights today. Oh how I love them. Always in regards to the exact same issue(s) hidden by topics seemingly cloaked in difference that spread years, weeks, months some just days - we some how manage to piss each other off regularly even when not in big fights. My mom is going to be all upset now and that’ll be my entire fault too, I’m sure. Super awesome, we both resort to behavior befitting that of two year olds and just generally spin in circles for a while. Fun times. We have worked hard on things as a family but my Dad and I, man we’ll just always scrap, sadly that is just how we are, we can’t seem to communicate in any sort of healthy way. Wonder how many more phases this move to Bali holds in store for us.

Just finished my fifth book of the year leaving me three behind my minimum quota for 2008, I will get off my ass and post on them soon. This year has been good so far aside from The Time Travelers Wife. EWWWW.

The weekend was a big experiment that is still on the go and like any experiment I do not know what the out come will be.

On Friday my shrink dropped my Risperidone and switched me to Seroquel and I’ve been pretty much comatose since. This shit be strong. When I took it Friday evening I expected to get a little tired, a bit dizzy, and a bit ‘high’. I got all of those things and MORE! We had already invited John over; Rebecca was in Las Vegas live blogging an intimate evening with Matthew Good on his birthday and so John with his Japanese food in hand headed over as I was slowly and then very quickly taken over by the seroquel. By the time he arrived I was already having trouble keeping focus but was trying pretty hard because I did not want to be rude. I’d say John knows me to be fairly talkative and I was just sitting there staring at him through him what have you and I know he was asking me things and I responded but everything was sounding like I was hammered drunk and I felt like I was hanging off the couch, maybe I was? I went into the bedroom and laid on the bed sandals and all wrapped tightly in the couch blanket. Adam was only able to get my sandals off and pull the quilt over next to me for when I got cold. I woke up around 3am, cold and twisted in the blanket, pants and bra still on. Very nice. In the morning I learned that Adam and John had sat and watched the Democratic debate, totally sucks I missed it.

Saturday morning we cut the Seroquel in-half and I took it with my regular meds and it was still too much and I passed out again. When I got up we were able to get nine holes of golf in. Not 18 because I’m super awesome and AGAIN forgot to take my allergy medication and I allergy up FAST in Stanley Park the flowers are amazing and I used to love the way they smelled and fresh cut grass used to be one of my favorite smells and now I just want flowers and grass to all go fragrance free or bugger off. This would work for me. I used to really like the smell of gasoline as well but not in a pyro way, now it just makes my headaches more prominent if I breathe any in.

Yesterday same, I wasn’t able to stay awake. When awake we watched Wimbledon and the women’s US Open in golf. Sometimes it does suck that the two sports I love to watch almost the most are on when there is a chance the weather will be nice here. But really as proved by my lackadaisical golf skills on Saturday I wasn’t missing much being outside. I lost my favorite ball of the moment on the first hole, had to take a mulligan and ended up getting par but that was it, my only par everything just went super far down hill from there, I didn’t even add the score card.

If I pass out today after having made some adjustments to my morning cocktail I will have to call Dr. Buttle and try something different. This is the first time I have switched drugs that cause sedation when I haven’t been in some kind of extreme heightened state which has made this a whole lot more interesting. I can’t believe how tired I am.

I love it when you go to the dr. and you know full well there is nothing they can do for you but you go anyway and then you feel like an idiot because you were right originally and there was nothing they could do for you and they have this look on their face which either means you really wasted their time THANK YOU or that you are really stupid. Or maybe I just had a mean lady dr. today. I only went because I’ve been coughing for over a week, I have allergies that are so bad that if they were a super power I could kill you with them and then this morning my nostrils started to hurt to breathe through and my mom is coming to visit this weekend so I thought fuck it I have to go to the dr. WHAT IF I HAVE A SINUS INFECTION. I don’t. I just have really bad ADULT allergies. Adam and I gave it some serious thought and discovered it is THIS TIME OF YEAR EXACTLY that I suffer the very most. I swear it feels like someone is blowing a balloon up in my head and they just won’t stop like it is my birthday forever but it sucks more than getting older.

Basically all I got out of my visit was told to take more Flonase until I’m over this bad attack and to take Tylenol for my cough. Nothing I take for my headaches helps the balloon affect. I don’t think I even have to get into how much that sucks.

I tried to get my mom to change her ticket because I feel like a write off but it is too expensive so hopefully it will rain or something, because golf is out anyway with it being the long weekend, it’ll be busy as death and I don’t have the patience with the allergies to play a pitch and putt course and have it take four plus hours. I’ll probably just rent lots of movies and we can go to the mall where the pollen can’t get me. When she comes down I want to have things to do and I always worry about that because we don’t have a car but add allergies in and I’m feeling a little stressed. Plus I am very picky about the state of the apartment I am NOT the type of person you just drop by on, if it is not clean to my standards I really do not like having people in here AT ALL and it won’t be ‘clean’ because I’ve been putting off cleaning because I’ve been feeling so shitty and now I can’t be breathing in stupid cleaning products when my nose already hurts. SEE how whiney I am, I have apologized to my mom in advance. Granted I may feel slightly better if it rains by Friday and/or the taking the Flonase twice a day helps.

I am feeling a little under the weather. At first I thought it was just allergies but now I am getting a cough. Headache- goes without saying is bad but I said it anyway. I was wanting to invite people over this weekend, so much for that idea.

I’ve been a wee bit more social lately. Don’t alert the presses yet or anything I haven’t strayed far but when I’ve gone out Ive had a lot of fun, which makes me want to do it more.

I am going to get my hair cut next week probably on Monday I need at least an inch taken off maybe two, some of my ends are spitting in three plus places on the strand. CRAZY.

We have not watched Snakes on a Plane yet.

I started a group on Facebook for people who have sock monkeys made by us or may one day have a sock monkey made by us or just like our sock monkeys. The goal is for people to upload a lot of photos of the monkeys we made them. You have to be on Facebook to join so get your ass on Facebook invite me as a friend under my real name and join ‘The Sock Monkey Army’. DO IT.

America’s Next Top Model went exactly how I thought it would last night. I never liked Dionne. Bitchy Renee is probably going to win, but I hope not Jaslene would be better or even Natasha, except she is really really strange even more so than Renee. Renee isn’t really strange she is just unpredictable and gossipy.

Lost is still super good and I’m enjoying the season a lot. 24 on the other hand is falling off my radar. My love for JACK BAUER will never change but the ’show’ is sucking, I have missed two episodes this season [to bad I didn’t miss the one where the Vice President made out with Alien lady. Ewwww] Up until this season, I HAD NEVER MISSED AN EPISODE. Truthfully, I did miss a couple in season one but that was because I didn’t start watching it from the get go but I later watched them on DVD.

I gotta go have a head cold now, watch movies like The Notebook and shit.

Today I am feeling better. Thank you very much. I didn’t like this week at all. I know I am feeling better because it is well before noon and I already have the dishes going and I am very happy it is not raining so that I can walk over to my shrink session today I bloody hate taking the bus and I double bloody hate taking it when it is raining. I have a huge zit on my left cheek that is buried under the skin and because of where it is EXACTLY and how big it is and how much it hurts it looks and feels like a spider bite so I am treating it like one and whining accordingly. I am sad the Canucks are out of the playoffs but mostly because we can’t wear our helmets anymore. I have a wicked bad headache today though I have for weeks and my stomach is being eaten by pills and my nose is being destroyed from Flonase because allergies SUCK. Especially adult ones I think this is only heading into my third year dealing with this adult allergy bullshit. It just sends my headaches through the roof some days. I feel like I could stick a needle up my nose and pop a balloon.

I’ll tell you this about this week. I have been feeling slightly overwhelmed for a while. Dr. B and I discuss it of course. Getting better is scary. There is expectation and I try not to put expectations [I just want them really bad] on things and there are fears, many fears and there is also a resistance. It is a lot easier in some respects to simply be depressed to use it as a crutch to let depression be all of me. And that is not productive. It isn’t fair to me, it isn’t fair to Adam. But when I’m there, when it is noon and I have already run out of things to do to entertain myself that don’t involve actually doing anything, passing out with my kitty on the couch is easier than doing anything that requires motivation. When getting better it is easy to get stuck and/or take on too much. And the lessons aren’t learned over night. The things I work on in therapy don’t take affect the second I walk out the door. And no one can force me out of my apartment if I really don’t want to leave. Forcing fun on a depressed person it like washing a cat with claws in your bathtub be prepared to get scratched and if your cat doesn’t have claws be prepared to get your face bitten off or at least a finger.

When the ‘you are not depression, depression is just a part of you’ came into play it was the start of trying to change how I think. But this is where you have to deal with all the shit people have said about you, the friendships lost, the basic stereotypes and how many jobs you have been ‘laid off’ from because you let your ‘paranoia’ take you over in the office and you’ve been labeled by everyone and EVERYONE thinks you are crazy so of course that is ALL THERE IS TO ME. Nope apparently I’m charismatic and funny, determined, defiant and lots of other things that make me not just a depressed blob. This may be obvious to some, not so much to my medicated mind.

Then entered the, it isn’t ‘paranoia’ it is having a negative attentional bias. I get the whole think positive, don’t waste my time on other peoples bullshit, work on me, deal with my own demons, be selfish, say awesome things about myself out loud in groups of people until I actually believe it, I get it. Worrying about things I can’t do anything about is futile. Like if people are talking bad about me, or thinking I should get off my ass and get a job, what have you. Who cares this is my life, my choices it is about what works for Adam and I. But say I’m ‘paranoid’ about someone stealing my identity because I don’t have a shredder and I recycle everything and someone can piece shit together and steal all the money I don’t have. However unlikely I do worry about this. And I feel paranoid. I don’t see how this is negative attentional bias and not paranoia because N.A.B is a made up term to make help me think more positively and get my mind in general thinking in a different way but even after discussing it with him I am still not buying it on all fronts. It is however a term that does help if I’m having negative or worrisome thoughts surrounding relationships and staying out of situations that could become dramatic.

Working on those two things I was finding I was still being ‘mean’ to myself still feeling jealousy anger towards all things good and still making snide remarks mostly at women to the point Adam said ‘you know you are going to get clocked one day and there is going to be nothing I can do about it’. This generally happens when I’m tired and just plan sick of always having to ‘work’ on being a normal person. Days when I just don’t give a shit, days when I’m basically feeling sorry for myself and feeling like depression is all of me and I’m worthless so I take it out on the innocent civilians of Vancouver. So, Dr. B asked if I was ready to take on another task. I said I wasn’t sure really but to at least tell me what it was. And it was a very obvious task and something you’d say to a five year old- ‘if you haven’t got anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all’. Even with all the improvements I have made with being ‘nicer’ in public I had no idea how bad I still was until I was concentrating on it. And even though at first I couldn’t stop myself I was at least aware. In thinking and analyzing just how bloody negative I can be I started to feel pretty disgusted with myself. I need to work on an attitude of non judgment; I need to learn how to make observations, not judgments and this you see all ties in to depression not being all of me and NOT having a negative attentional bias.

Honestly it is becoming like a twelve step program.

Last Friday I was supposed to go to my doctor for my regular physical - AKA: vag exposed, feet in stirrups, cold metal speculum inserted, enter swab. But I got my period the day before so I had to reschedule it and was only able to fill my prescriptions and ask about the slit in my nose from the dry air in the apartment that was making pain. My doctor is not close to where I live, I hate my period for not being ‘regular’ and making me have to rebook the vag exposed part, but obtained:

Flonase for my allergies they will start kicking in as soon as the weather clears up and we can actually get out and golf. Stupid torrential down pouring of rain is on repeat.

Mefenamic Acid for my cramps, it decreases uterine contractions and;

Naproxen for my headaches that aren’t bad enough to need Excedrin Migraine, but also for headaches that are really bad, so they need both at the same time. Those are fun.

She suggested an over the counter Lubricating Nasal Gel called Secaris for the slit in my nasal tissue that has been bugging me for MONTHS. It cost $5.99 for a 30g tube which is totally reasonable but the tube is HUGE and works so well I only needed to use it once and it sealed the problem area and it hasn’t reopened. Until August 2009 I can have as many dry nose issues as I want. I hope for lots because this shit works great.

My Psychiatrist prescribes the rest of my medications for my depression.

When I was at the drug store I bought some black nail polish. It was the last one and I have always wanted to buy black nail polish, it felt meant to be. So now I wear black nail polish. I think maybe all the Guitar Hero went to my head and I think I’m all rock and roll for serious or something. What it has done for my air guitar skill alone is simply priceless. I could likely teach an air guitar class. PLUS now my nails match my glasses. Awesome.