Today I am feeling better. Thank you very much. I didn’t like this week at all. I know I am feeling better because it is well before noon and I already have the dishes going and I am very happy it is not raining so that I can walk over to my shrink session today I bloody hate taking the bus and I double bloody hate taking it when it is raining. I have a huge zit on my left cheek that is buried under the skin and because of where it is EXACTLY and how big it is and how much it hurts it looks and feels like a spider bite so I am treating it like one and whining accordingly. I am sad the Canucks are out of the playoffs but mostly because we can’t wear our helmets anymore. I have a wicked bad headache today though I have for weeks and my stomach is being eaten by pills and my nose is being destroyed from Flonase because allergies SUCK. Especially adult ones I think this is only heading into my third year dealing with this adult allergy bullshit. It just sends my headaches through the roof some days. I feel like I could stick a needle up my nose and pop a balloon.

I’ll tell you this about this week. I have been feeling slightly overwhelmed for a while. Dr. B and I discuss it of course. Getting better is scary. There is expectation and I try not to put expectations [I just want them really bad] on things and there are fears, many fears and there is also a resistance. It is a lot easier in some respects to simply be depressed to use it as a crutch to let depression be all of me. And that is not productive. It isn’t fair to me, it isn’t fair to Adam. But when I’m there, when it is noon and I have already run out of things to do to entertain myself that don’t involve actually doing anything, passing out with my kitty on the couch is easier than doing anything that requires motivation. When getting better it is easy to get stuck and/or take on too much. And the lessons aren’t learned over night. The things I work on in therapy don’t take affect the second I walk out the door. And no one can force me out of my apartment if I really don’t want to leave. Forcing fun on a depressed person it like washing a cat with claws in your bathtub be prepared to get scratched and if your cat doesn’t have claws be prepared to get your face bitten off or at least a finger.

When the ‘you are not depression, depression is just a part of you’ came into play it was the start of trying to change how I think. But this is where you have to deal with all the shit people have said about you, the friendships lost, the basic stereotypes and how many jobs you have been ‘laid off’ from because you let your ‘paranoia’ take you over in the office and you’ve been labeled by everyone and EVERYONE thinks you are crazy so of course that is ALL THERE IS TO ME. Nope apparently I’m charismatic and funny, determined, defiant and lots of other things that make me not just a depressed blob. This may be obvious to some, not so much to my medicated mind.

Then entered the, it isn’t ‘paranoia’ it is having a negative attentional bias. I get the whole think positive, don’t waste my time on other peoples bullshit, work on me, deal with my own demons, be selfish, say awesome things about myself out loud in groups of people until I actually believe it, I get it. Worrying about things I can’t do anything about is futile. Like if people are talking bad about me, or thinking I should get off my ass and get a job, what have you. Who cares this is my life, my choices it is about what works for Adam and I. But say I’m ‘paranoid’ about someone stealing my identity because I don’t have a shredder and I recycle everything and someone can piece shit together and steal all the money I don’t have. However unlikely I do worry about this. And I feel paranoid. I don’t see how this is negative attentional bias and not paranoia because N.A.B is a made up term to make help me think more positively and get my mind in general thinking in a different way but even after discussing it with him I am still not buying it on all fronts. It is however a term that does help if I’m having negative or worrisome thoughts surrounding relationships and staying out of situations that could become dramatic.

Working on those two things I was finding I was still being ‘mean’ to myself still feeling jealousy anger towards all things good and still making snide remarks mostly at women to the point Adam said ‘you know you are going to get clocked one day and there is going to be nothing I can do about it’. This generally happens when I’m tired and just plan sick of always having to ‘work’ on being a normal person. Days when I just don’t give a shit, days when I’m basically feeling sorry for myself and feeling like depression is all of me and I’m worthless so I take it out on the innocent civilians of Vancouver. So, Dr. B asked if I was ready to take on another task. I said I wasn’t sure really but to at least tell me what it was. And it was a very obvious task and something you’d say to a five year old- ‘if you haven’t got anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all’. Even with all the improvements I have made with being ‘nicer’ in public I had no idea how bad I still was until I was concentrating on it. And even though at first I couldn’t stop myself I was at least aware. In thinking and analyzing just how bloody negative I can be I started to feel pretty disgusted with myself. I need to work on an attitude of non judgment; I need to learn how to make observations, not judgments and this you see all ties in to depression not being all of me and NOT having a negative attentional bias.

Honestly it is becoming like a twelve step program.

Last Friday I was supposed to go to my doctor for my regular physical - AKA: vag exposed, feet in stirrups, cold metal speculum inserted, enter swab. But I got my period the day before so I had to reschedule it and was only able to fill my prescriptions and ask about the slit in my nose from the dry air in the apartment that was making pain. My doctor is not close to where I live, I hate my period for not being ‘regular’ and making me have to rebook the vag exposed part, but obtained:

Flonase for my allergies they will start kicking in as soon as the weather clears up and we can actually get out and golf. Stupid torrential down pouring of rain is on repeat.

Mefenamic Acid for my cramps, it decreases uterine contractions and;

Naproxen for my headaches that aren’t bad enough to need Excedrin Migraine, but also for headaches that are really bad, so they need both at the same time. Those are fun.

She suggested an over the counter Lubricating Nasal Gel called Secaris for the slit in my nasal tissue that has been bugging me for MONTHS. It cost $5.99 for a 30g tube which is totally reasonable but the tube is HUGE and works so well I only needed to use it once and it sealed the problem area and it hasn’t reopened. Until August 2009 I can have as many dry nose issues as I want. I hope for lots because this shit works great.

My Psychiatrist prescribes the rest of my medications for my depression.

When I was at the drug store I bought some black nail polish. It was the last one and I have always wanted to buy black nail polish, it felt meant to be. So now I wear black nail polish. I think maybe all the Guitar Hero went to my head and I think I’m all rock and roll for serious or something. What it has done for my air guitar skill alone is simply priceless. I could likely teach an air guitar class. PLUS now my nails match my glasses. Awesome.

Nineteen years old driving home from the late shift at Future Shop Music blasting Tool, Aenima in my ‘85 Honda Civic when suddenly I am so dizzy and disorientated that I can’t see straight. I pull over and assess myself. Can I drive the rest of the way home? Would Maynard be mad cause I had to turn the Tool down? What the fuck is wrong with me? I decide I can make it. I concentrate as hard as humanly possible and drive- probably one of the dumber things I’ve done. When I get out of the car it feels as if the earth is sort of falling out from underneath me but not. I grip my car to walk. When I get to the end of the hood I actually have to figure out how I’m going to get to the edge of the house to get around back to my basement suite without injuring myself. I let go of the car and stagger so far left I think I’m a goner but manage to stagger back right and fall into the house so I can grip, feel and fall down to my door.

I’d love to say things got better once I get inside but I’d like to mention because I was living alone that I made it to the bathroom before the vomiting started cause once it started it did not stop. Not even at my drunkest, my most idiotic self inflicted two to three day recoveries from drug binges NOTHING had ever made me THIS sick. Back and forth from the bathroom to the bedroom. Moaning, crying, falling, crawling. I’d really like to know how the FUCK I didn’t cover that suite in vomit.

Morning arrives and I call my mommy and daddy I do not remember what was said in this conversation I also call my landlord who lives up stairs and beg him to take me to the hospital. He obviously assumes I’m drunk because he says NO. I must have kept them up during the night barfing etc. because finally he caves and comes down to get me. I puke all the way out to his car, out the window of his car and he drops me at the doors to emergency.

I sit in emergency scared as fuck barfing into whatever they hand me filling one after another whilst barely able to sit up until someone finally realizes I’m in no condition to be left sitting out in emergency by myself- I needed to be like actually admitted.

You want fun? It starts here. They give me some T’3s first, the headache that is following me around was on the back burner compared to the rest of the shit going on but is bad and I think I had a fever too. Next, I get a shot in the ass. Once they have me stable- and when I say stable I mean not barfing cause umm this is still just the beginning. The vertigo is so far from over at this point had I of known how much fun I was heading for in the coming weeks I’d of shot myself. From here they take me in for a CT Scan where they confirm that I’m suffering from Labyrinthitis. There is NOTHING they can do for me. I get to wait it out. All they can do is control the barfing. I’m told that when MOST PEOPLE get this ‘disorder’ I will not only have for life now but that it can reoccur at ANY time, NORMALLY they will see fluid fill only two maybe three [tops] inner ear canals of the three in each ear. LUCKY ME ALL SIX ARE FULL!!!!!!!! Cases as bad as mine are seen maybe once a month they tell me, if even.

Honestly I just want to die. This is at a time when I have about three friends in Vancouver I’ve lived here not even four months. The hospital has no rooms [big surprise] and I’m left to pass in and out of consciousness in the hallway until what looks like an Angel appears somewhere before me I can’t focus on ANYTHING. It turns out to be Spockette, [my now MOH] she and her cousin spring me from the joint and take me to my bed where I stay for a FULL TWO WEEKS. I can’t read, watch any movies, tv, nothing. ALL I can do is sit/lay and do NOTHING while happy I’m not barfing anymore but bored and depressed as shit cause I’m not able to walk without holding shit or falling over and work just LOVES me missing OVER two weeks.

Apparently this experience made me a stronger person or something.

MY POINT

I have this shit right now. NOT AS BAD. BUT

Ever since I got it [in 1998] every time I get a little dizzy which is a lot because my balance has never been the same, ask anyone who walks more than a block with me, I let that little FUCK IM GETTING Labyrinthitis SNEAK into my head and quickly let it fall out my good ear. Last Friday I went to get out of bed and instead of it taking the normal two to three seconds to gain my balance I practically fell out the bedroom door throwing my hands out to grab whatever was closest. I had a good laugh at myself but quickly realized something was WRONG. I crashed onto the computer chair and smashed my elbow into the wall. Labyrinthitis came into my mind but I honestly thought it was allergy related and was happy that coincidently I had a doctors appointment where I could be like UMMMMM BITCH my right nostril feels like it is going to fall out from this nasal spray shit and OH YAH now I have to take Gravol just to walk straight.

Wasn’t allergies is this fucking Labyrinthitis SHIT again and I’m being a huge cunt right now and I do not advise getting close to me. I’m supposed to be going back to work and need shirts and every time I find one that covers my arm tattoo the one on my back shows fucking having to conform fuck YOU.
I gave up trying to shop for shirts when my Mom called and I acted like a five year old and flipped out over something to do with my wedding dress, made a bridezilla scene and decided I was WAY to sick to be shopping whether I need work shirts or not. I cried like a spoiled brat the whole walk home cursing this that and everything. Fuck it I’m going into construction for real.

I do not have this Labyrinthitis even close to as bad as last time. It is coming on in ‘attack’ form this time. It is not constant or consistent and Gravol is keeping it at bay.

Pretty much the last thing I need right now considering for something that CAN re-occur at any time it decides to show up when my BIRTHDAY is next week [please see wish list], almost 10 years later and right in the middle of the wedding planning, RIGHT when I need to FLY up north AND right when I decide it is time to head back out to work. Thank you LUCK!!!! I LOVE you now fuck OFF.

I hate everything right now and will kick you if you piss me off. Oilers lose tonight and I may have to kick the TV.