By the time you read the first sentence of this post Adam will have had himself snipped. Had a vasectomy. I don’t remember having to shave my hairy ass crack for my ass surgery but Adam did have to shave his balls. But I’ll leave the nuts and bolts talk for Adam because the boy goin’ blog about the whole thing. I would assume you’ll see his first post as soon as he can comfortably sit and write. Maybe if I picture a laptop long enough and concentrate hard enough one will just miraculously appear, that would seriously rule and prove me wrong on sooooooooooo many things.

There has been talk of this upcoming V in various forms over the past few months on GG. At first I was keeping pretty mum on it because Adam had not told his family, his relationship with his family affects me, I wish we were both closer to them but we aren’t and I asked him if he was going to call them and tell them or if he cared if they found out via the internet. He said via the internet was fine. I went from alluding to it to admitting it.

————

I remember being around twenty-six when my biological clock started to tick. I found this extremely alarming because I had fought endlessly with the self proclaimed pundits over the facts that “I was young” and “would change my mind about not wanting children when I was older”. I do not believe twenty-six to be old but it isn’t young either. I’d already been through more at twenty-six than I’d say most folks have gone through by fifty; until the ticking time bomb started my mind wouldn’t wander into hypothetical ‘baby bliss moments’ very often. I also met Adam that year. I was blatantly honest with Adam that I did not want children but that my body was seriously fucking with me and telling me I did but that my mind was working overtime telling it to fuck the fuck off. I spoke with a girlfriend I was extremely close in age with who also did not want children but was also feeling the effects of the good ol’ biological clock and how hard it was to fight. Other than finding someone who was my age and didn’t want kids but the clock was still ticking that was all the knowledge I gained from that conversation. Totally a let down.

I had never and did not want children and neither did Adam. At this point our relationship was still new so we didn’t discuss the whys. But like a lot of couples we had a couple of pregnancy scares. One that was just that a scare, for whatever reason my period didn’t show one month it was a January. The second I *may* have been carrying something, my period was over a week late but I was not showing positive on pregnancy tests and I had been to a walk in clinic when the bitch still hadn’t shown up and showed negative there as well but when I finally got my period it was EXTREME. More extreme than any period I have ever had. I won’t go into detail, I think every woman has either heard this particular story before or had it happen.

These incidents sent me on a mini lets constantly talk about a hypothetical baby and how AWESOME it would be to have a REAL ONE kick. This didn’t last long because eventually even the hypothetical kid grew up and we seriously boooo-ed on that. Once the hypothetical crap past we got married already knowing but having not revealed to either side of the family that we were one hundred percent not going to have children. With my being an only child and female it just did not seem fair to tell anyone before the wedding, but even when I would allow myself to fantasize for real about kids it would always be as a mom of two boys and I’d be a hockey mom but it never went past the hockey mom part.

I am not going to bash on my childhood or bash on my parents, what would that prove? The past is the past, although yes it is one of the biggest reasons that I do not want children. The truth is I despised being an only child and the neglect I felt was something that five years of therapy is still helping me work on. I can’t change the truth or how I remember my youth, I can just deal with it.

On and even more personal level what was torture for me aka highschool a place that ultimately lead to a suicide attempt with a lengthy hospital stay and how I was treated after this incident also play largely into my no baby reasons. Sure, I had my ass kicked a few times, was verbally abused in the hallways almost daily, my locker vandalized with nasty shit written on it almost weekly, I’d have to have people come pick me up at school from time to time, the tires were popped on my car, twice, and my photo was posted up in the males washroom with obscenities I won’t even repeat next to it and so on and so on but it is nothing, just NOTHING compared to the fate of a child targeted by bullies today and there is no way to determine who will be the loser and who will be the bully. And even if there were it wouldn’t change my mind.

There is nothing worth taking that risk for me.

There has always been a part of me that feels slightly guilty because there are so many women who want children and for whatever unfortunate reason can not have them. But it isn’t my fault that adopting is so hard. And I believe strongly having felt it that if you make it through that biological clock ticking away at the high decibel it tended to tick at that you know what you want, better yet, I’ve always known deep down what I want and it isn’t a child. I think babies are pretty fun, but the part where you hand them back over is the best. Kids like me since I’ve truly left any thoughts of having a child behind me, my energy towards them is entirely different and they are responsive to me, they used to scare the shit out of me before and I know they could sense me coming a mile away. I do get scared of being old and alone, like what if Adam dies? Or when Adam dies what if I’m pretty young but can’t bear to have another man in my life and am forced to live alone forever in pajamas with lots of cats and all the seasons of Oz and Sex and the City and masturbation becomes my life and I only order in, even my books?

And last but not least I obviously suffer from various super fun mental illnesses. Between the possibility of passing that on and my child having to deal with half of what I dealt with being a kid, a young adult and an adult, there were some great times, but not enough to even consider bringing a child into THIS world.

We always talked about Adam getting a V but we didn’t think we could afford it. And so we just dreamed of it until the fateful day it came up in a conversation with a couple who had made the decision to get the snip snip snip too and we discovered they are free here in the lovely nation of Canada, felt like idiots for a second for not knowing and then he made an appointment. We’d already been welcomed into the club; we are now just making it official.

I’ve been putting off writing this post because I do not in any way shape or form want to hurt my mother’s feelings. Although this is an extremely exciting time for my parents this is also a hard and sensitive time for my mother and I do not want her taking anything personal but I have feelings and they aren’t negative they are just feelings or I guess some are negative but I’m trying to be as positive as possible.

As I mentioned a while back, my parents have retired early, they are moving to Bali.

ASIA. From PRINCE GEORGE.

PRO: they are flying us to Bali once a year. Paid.

CON: THEY ARE MOVING TO ASIA.

My mother made it clear that IF Adam and I were having children they would NOT be going that far away. The fact of the matter is, and I’ve been given permission to announce it, Adam is having a vasectomy. He is also going to blog his whole experience, as most who read here are aware he has always done guest posts, this will be his first series.

Shortly before it was confirmed that my parents were in fact moving to Bali, I also found out that a woman who is more like the sibling I’ve never had, Rhonda, was moving to Ontario. She has since left because her and her man now own this here Edgewater Motel. Of course again this is a pro, I’m extremely happy for her, proud, every feeling you can have for someone you love so much. But con, she isn’t here anymore. I have known her since I was 13 years old. We’ve never actually lived in the same town or city at the same time but we have always been in the same province and always had regular visits or at least been in touch. Our friendship is one that is so close that I feel a complete calmness [or as close to calm as I get] and one hundred percent of every single part of me is present and Adam can see this other more of ME that exists but is buried come to the surface and sometimes it sustains me for weeks after she leaves. Almost all of my positive memories from my adolescence involve her, almost every thing ‘bad’ I did as a teen involved her which made it twice as fun. Having her at our wedding meant the world to me. Having her visit with Adam and I in our brown shoe box and such visits like last April when we BLEW UP STEVE are beyond wicked memories and watching her and Adam bond and seeing how well they took to each other made me happy because that would have been bad like Gus not liking Adam had it have gone the other way, cept’ Rhonda probably wouldn’t have made it a point to jump on Adam’s balls just to get the point across. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that I have gone through where Rhonda has not been there for me from beginning to end. GOOD LUCK DUDE!

Now I’d best start at the beginning. I never said anything at the time but both of these events although both wonderful in their own right did play a part in my recent breakdown. I’ve played the avoidance card with them both to the point that I just the session before last started to talk about my ‘feelings’ in regards to both. I was holding back all emotion because it isn’t about me and I had enough issues already going on to mask some of the real pain, it is about my parents and their fantastic retirement and Rhonda and her new business endeavor and both parties are flying us in to visit so I figured that I wasn’t allowed to be upset. But I was and as we’ve seen when I hold things in the outcomes are never good. There is no question that in the back ground of some of my misdirected rage was a shadow where these two bits of heavy news were hiding in plain view.

I was afraid if I came out and said “I’m really fucking upset that my parents are moving to Bali” that I would just get back something to the effect of “you are almost 31 and they are flying you both in PAID once a year get the fuck over it.”

I didn’t get that from my shrink, he looked at me with puzzlement and said “No, that is a loss.”

We had discussed briefly after my breakdown that it got lumped in with all the shit that had built up and that the moves wouldn’t be easy but we moved on to what was happening RIGHT THEN and I hadn’t given him that many details. Because some times stupid meaningless shit is easier to have a breakdown over than real life shit that actually matters.

What we know: I’m an only child, I’m almost 31, I’m married, and I’m not having children.

When I moved out here in 1996 I had a really hard time when my parents sent me a massive box containing almost everything I had ever owned and had left in Terrace, at 19 I had no idea that a lot of that stuff was going to have meaning to me now in my thirties and some really important stuff is gone and whether it be materialistic stuff like my old camp fire blanket or fifty plus paper back books I don’t miss at all, I’ve still at times been upset and they know it, that they sent it ALL out to me. I was upset for one because when I would go home to Terrace it was like I had never even lived there and secondly because I moved six times between 1996 and 2000, I simply could NOT hold on to it all.

When my parents moved to Prince George it was even worse, now they were in a town or I guess it has enough people it is considered a city that I had never lived in and didn’t care for, I had spent a lot of time there as a kid and it smells gross and is butt fuck ugly. Granted they did live in the middle of no where taking it back to our Smithers roots of bush living and owning horses and all the fun stuff I missed when we lived in the town of Terrace instead of in the sticks. But like anything in life I got over it, came to love going to Prince George and building stuff with my dad and doing fire wood, my parents making fun of my need to turn the ‘electric’ heat on in the room that I would sleep in. It is hard to believe that everything is sold and/or gone now, even the pets.

To me it is about ROOTS and I feel like I am losing them. I don’t really give a shit if I sound like a baby. This upcoming move is hard for me to deal with. I did not grow up in close ‘healthy’ relationships with my parents. My father and I were very very close, but it was NOT healthy back then. Now we are still very very close and it is healthier and we work on it. My mother and I were not close when I was a child and are working on building a relationship now that I am an adult. My parents and I have worked incredibly hard to deal with our pasts. But there are feelings that remain that I can’t do anything about, there is nothing that can be done to change them, there is no real ‘getting over it’ there is dealing with it which I do and in dealing with that means that sometimes I get upset about it. IT being, that I never had a say in moving to British Columbia, I was born in Ontario and my entire family except one Aunt who stole from my husband’s boss at our wedding live in Ontario. I talk to one of my cousins over MSN and one of my other cousins is on my Facebook but I don’t think we’ve ever spoken. My favourite Aunt died on September 14, 2001 after an amazingly courageous fight with colon cancer. My contact with the family in the east has always been extremely minimal for reasons that would need a whole new post and then some. As a kid I visited once or twice on unaccompanied minor tickets and we went back as a family in 1994 which was a royal fucking mess and I went back alone to see my Aunt for Christmas 2000, but of course pissed off the rest of the family because I only saw my Aunt. Umm she was dying get over it.

A feeling of loneliness even with Adam right next to me is rearing its ugly head. My in-laws are starting to warm to me a little but it is hard because building a relationship has not been easy and it dates back to when Adam and I met. So yes I’m feeling a tad sorry for myself I don’t have any siblings to turn to, I don’t have what I originally dreamed would be awesomely close relationships with my SILS because I was never socialized properly and it fucks with me in a major way in my adult life. As if that isn’t obvious to people who know me mind you. I have nothing left in the north. I have a bunch of season’s passes for the Smithers and Terrace Ski Hills and I WILL ski in Smithers again some day but the north will just feel different now. How long will it take until I’m just another brain washed city folk knowing nothing of the problems the government ignores in the north, how long will it be until I don’t even know about the pine beetles any more until the north burns down and I see it on TV because realistically I have to move on?

Our parents retire and their lives move on without us, and I’m not going to have a baby just to keep them close. In some ways we will probably talk more. Living in the sticks they are on DIAL UP! In Bali they will FINALLY have high speed; they bought us a web cam. THANK YOU! I despise the phone but I’m always on line so Skype will become my new best friend not to mention we should be able to have book club meetings via web cam. I’m trying to just let it go and not think about it but it is so far away if something seriously serious happens it is not just a ten hour drive or fifty-eight minute flight. I’m just worried and nervous and scared and excited all at the very same time and it is all very confusing. It is no secret I don’t have a lot of close friends RE: FUCK UP MOST FRIENDSHIPS BECAUSE I’M CRAZY. Oops am not supposed to call myself crazy. I will punch myself in the arm. There, ouch.

I’m working on it but this is tough, really tough. I’m seeing them in May then probably really quick in September and then that is it until we go to Bali.

So here, I’ll close with the positive, once a year we will fly to Indonesia. In Bali a driver will pick us up because driving there if you are not a native is apparently insane and only those with a death wish would do it. We will be taken to the house or villa I think it is considered a villa, it is ocean front, with pool and pool ‘area’, two storey house, master bedroom up stairs with king bed with wrap around the house patio and doors out onto it from bedroom and main room, lower floor with TWO bedrooms both with queen size beds and doors that open right onto the pool ‘area’. There is much much more but I’ll save it for when we go. A few lucky couples and friends and SILS have already been extended invites to join us after we go alone the first time of course, there is potential for this to end up having many many positives once I get over that they are in ASIA.

This is a meme that I read over at Tiana’s blog, I decided to do it because these are obviously all of the most quintessential details of our lives. For serious.

1. Who is your man? Adam Bradley Carlson aka abcIV aka abc4

2. How long have you been together? September 30, 2003

3. How did you meet? The Greatest Story Ever Told

4. How long did you date? 3 years less a month or some shit.

5. How old is your man? 28

6. Who eats more? Adam doesn’t stop eating.

7. Who said “I love you” first? I do not remember probably Adam.

8. Who is taller? Adam.

9. Who sings better? Adam he sings for realz I hear him in the shower sometimes too.

10. Who is smarter? Adam but I am super super smrt in my own rite.

11. Who is more athletic? Right now Adam, but if I got in shape, it would be a tough call.

12. Whose temper is worse? I think we’ll go with mine on this one.

13. Who does the laundry? I do, cept’ Adam washes his work clothes because my gag reflex can’t handle the smell of them.

14. Who takes out the garbage? Adam cept’ when I do it.

15. Who pays the bills? I do

16. Who is better with the computer? Adam

17. Who mows the lawn? I shave my own or get a wax. We have clippers for any emergency maintenance.

18. Who cooks dinner? Adam

19. Who drives when you are together? Me if it is a standard, Adam if it is an automatic.

20. Who pays when you go out? We share all money.

21. Who is most stubborn? TIE

22. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Adam

23. Whose parents do you see the most? Mine

24. Who kissed who first? It was an at the door leaving awkward took half an hour to happen moment.

25. Who asked who out? He asked me.

26. Who proposed? Adam but we had ‘discussed’ it prior. Adam was actually completely against marriage and I talked him into this entire ‘shenanigan’.

27. Who has more friends? Adam but we see more of mine.

28. Who has more siblings? Adam

29. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Adam

30. Who is the most romantic? I despise romance the word alone makes me want to throw up.

I have a list of ideas for blog posts that I think will be good blog posts if I write them and I was even starting to write posts and store them but that never lasts long, I get all concentrated on lots and lots of different things and unless I write every single little thing down like POST EVER DAY on every day of my day book I won’t do it, and even if it makes it in the day book something that doesn’t HAVE to be done, something that is a want to do, may or may not get done that day.

I’m trying to avoid starting any paragraphs with ‘SO’ right now it is fun.

We have been very busy. I almost wish they did, but businesses do not start themselves. What business? THE MONKEY BUSINESS!! Even without the site up [you are still more than welcome to keep doing as you have, contacting us over facebook or through our contact page here] they are selling nicely through word of mouth.

They do take longer than they used to having added in the ‘accessories’ [headphones, guitars, basses, swords, hockey sticks, hockey helmets etc] and the option of having your sock monkey personalized with other wonderful things such as tattoos or iron on patches, the only patches we are offering are Canadian flags at present unless we happen to see a patch that matches a request. Basically we can’t guarantee patches but if Adam can draw it, he can tattoo it on your monkey. Having recently ordered three pre-made t-shirts online at the beginning of March and the fact that they JUST arrived today has me pretty confident that our monkeys will still all be made and leave in an extremely reasonable amount of time being that they are 100% hand made and our production speed with only increase as we get better.

Although I have registered the company and many of you being part of our open Facebook group and some of you having been invited to the new Flickr group, [to obtain or request an invite you must have a monkey made by us] we aren’t going to announce the official name until we are ready to launch the site and at least have buttons and stickers. There will be a mass mailing to people out of the region who can’t make our launch party so they still receive that which will eventually come standard with the monkeys The stickers are mainly for the reusable bags that the local monkeys will depart us in but ones that are mailed just get a box but will be sent the sticker, a button and our business cards we also haven’t made yet. Our logo is seriously awesome and has been seen by a select few people but has received a great response and we are really excited about unveiling it all.

I always thought I’d own my own used book store but we own a business none the less and it feels seriously awesome. Business Woman I am and Housewife Extraordinaire. Life is good. Even if it is, “painful and real” at times.

We are about to throw ourselves into a whole new batch of sold monkeys one with a Hello Kitty guitar. OH YAY!

Here are some of the Sock Monkeys who have moved into new infantries.

Owner Phaedra Monkey on left

Owner Tiana Baby Sock Monkey, w/traditional ‘MA’ tattoo

Photo © Traisas Rock N’ Roll Sock Monkey, has anarchy tattoo on back

Owner Jennie Hockey Sock Monkey, with Canadian flag iron on patch on back

The Amazing Adventures of Corinna and Adam Part One

And on an added note, at this time last year a visit had just ended with someone who I’d have to say we both now consider one of our very best friends, C.J Hixon. The one year of our ‘meeting anniversary’ was none other than March 26, 2007 extremely easy to remember, Adam and I married on the 26^th of a month. You need only look at the picture that he used to link my blog to know that he has been here since the beginning and the three of us getting to know each other across the pond and hanging out over here on this here ocean front city of Vancouver last year holds a few of my dearest memories to date. The last year continuing our friendship and watching it grow has been beyond fun. Much love to you C.J!

Last July I wrote on some of the new measures that Adam and I are taking to make the world that we live in a better place and also trying to do our part for the environment.

Since then we’ve added things such as a reusable coffee filter [we both drink a lot of coffee and it is Adam’s fault I never drank as much till I met him] we’ve almost cleared the apartment of *almost* all plastic bags, which is not even close to as easy as it sounds and we’ve added reusable bags. There are people in the West End that recognize and point and give us a smile when we forget our bags and can be seen booting it home with our arms filled. It has happened to us both more than once.

One of my very favourite places to give my money to has always been to the WWF - World Wildlife Fund - I used to adopt animals for people as gifts on a very regular basis, you can also adopt forests, oceans and the arctic now. They have even more animals to adopt than they did when I used to do it, I may get back on that. I want a ‘Hotter than I should be’ organic t-shirt.

This will be the first year of hopefully many, that Adam I will participate in Earth Hour. Between 8 and 9pm this Saturday night, March 29, we will be in the dark with hopefully a massive load of people in the city and around the world. As per their website:

On March 29, 2008, cities across Canada, and around the world will turn off their lights for Earth Hour, a WWF event to raise awareness about climate change and symbolize that, working together the people of the world can make a difference in the fight against climate change.

Earth Hour has grown from a single event in Sydney, Australia in 2007 to a global phenomenon that will occur across six continents and in as many as 20 cities in 2008.

Toronto was the flagship Canadian city to commemorate Earth Hour 2008 but dozens of others including Ottawa, Vancouver and Montreal have already joined!

Our goal is to get thousands of businesses and individuals to participate in this historic event, so we can show the nation and the world that Canadians are leaders in addressing climate change, one of the most critical issues facing our world today.

I’ve been pretty excited about this since hearing about it. I have NO idea what we’ll do in the dark for an hour [I sense there will be some Earth Hour babies being made] but I am sure we will find something or maybe we will invite some people over for some good in the dark conversation.

If you’d like to participate you can either just DO IT or sign up on the WWF website.

If you’d like to do more, ‘The Good Life‘ is a new kick ass campaign/challenge you can also sign up for right on the WWF site and it will guide you through more and more ways to help save the planet basically handing you simple actions to not only help the Earth but to help you feel like you ARE making a difference and to make “Every Hour Earth Hour”.

I encourage you to click on the provided links and participate in this great cause. There is also a jam packed group on Facebook of participants you can also join in there.

If last year ONE CITY was able to accomplish what the quote provided below describes, I can’t wait to see what the rest of us can add:

Created to take a stand against the greatest threat our planet has ever faced, Earth Hour uses the simple action of turning off the lights for one hour to deliver a powerful message about the need for action on global warming.

About Earth Hour On March 31 2007, for one hour, Sydney made a powerful statement about the greatest contributor to global warming - coal-fired electricity - by turning off its lights. Over 2.2 million Sydney residents and over 2,100 businesses switched off, leading to a 10.2% energy reduction across the city. What began as one city taking a stand against global warming caught the attention of the world.

In 2008, 24 global cities will participate in Earth Hour at 8pm on March 29. Earth Hour is the highlight of a major campaign to encourage businesses, communities and individuals to take the simple steps needed to cut their emissions on an ongoing basis. It is about simple changes that will collectively make a difference - from businesses turning off their lights when their offices are empty, to households turning off appliances rather than leaving them on standby.

Last week was a seriously huge week for Adam and me. We were both completely absorbed in ourselves, I a bit too much.

We had the absolute pleasure of selling our very first Sock Monkey to Phaedra, the ‘official’ site where they will be available is not finished yet, just email us through the contact page if you want details on obtaining one. We have now sold two monkeys.

Phaedra’s Monkey who she has named Bobby has already been out on the town ripping it up. Here he is hanging out with Marc Emery. Oh, I know one of OUR Monkeys is hanging with Mr. Emery, CRAZY!!!. ROCK ON BOBBY!! The Monkeys we make for people never cease to make us proud.

Photo © Phaedra on Flickr

Looks like Bobby will be joining us bowling as well, and the Bollwitt’s [R and J] have a Monkey and we have the original Dr. Vegas so who knows what sort of monkey business will take place. Naked bowling as per Keira’s comment and Monkeys? I’d say sponsor us or I mean me. [Please]

My Parents also dropped the HUGE news on us that they are moving to Asia, Bali to be exact. Everything is happening extremely fast right now. They put their house on the market last week and it is sold already. Adam and I are currently in negotiations with them over what we can have, buy, lease, and/or ship of theirs. Right now we are very concentrated on the Yamaha piano that I played growing up and some other stuff. It’ll be interesting I don’t think we can fit the piano in here Adam says we can and he wants it really really bad. I think our land lord is going to kill us but oh well we only like her 50% of the time anyway.

The kicker the hugest news of all is that my parents are I kid you not, flying us out once a year. Did I mention they were moving to Bali? They are having a house built for retirement and of course once the insanity of knowing we get to go to BALI ONCE A YEAR wears off [if it does] I wonder what phases I’m going to go through with this? I’ve already mentioned to my shrink that I feel like I am losing my ‘Northern Roots’. He said that is normal but it is just starting to bother me. There was a big deciding factor in their decision to go so far away that did consider us, but I’m choosing to keep it private at this time.

That news combined with the sock monkeys starting to sell has us both really excited and really busy. The possibilities feel endless right now.

my husband and my kitty.

sigh.

i can haz cute pawz. i love i love i love her pawz.