Sometimes I am a crap housewife and I don’t clean for a few days in a row and the kitchen gets messy which sucks because I don’t do the cooking so then we end up eating out because I have guilt and don’t want Adam in there if I’ve been neglecting my job. This is the only job I’ve ever had that I don’t have to worry about getting fired from and sometimes I think I may take it for granted a little BUT I make up for it in other ways I promise I do. I did take a good number of beer bottles out to the alley for the homeless yesterday that were taking up too much counter space and there was already a dude out there about to leave so I said “HEY do you want these?” He did. I used to always take all my stuff to the Salvation Army. Not empties but old shit I didn’t use, old clothes, basically the regular crap you give. I hate it when I get rid of stuff and then want it back, I do that a lot. But now I give everything to the alley. It isn’t to be lazy either. Why have someone selling it when there are people in my alley who need it NOW and I don’t need it.

I did something HUGE. It actually cut into my dishes/cleaning time because I had to drop it off. I lent a hard cover book without the cover to a friend that I JUST got in the mail and I have not read. It is a girly book, Shopaholic and Baby, a great fluff summer beach book. I opened it, the fresh new sound a hard cover makes when you open it creeped out from the bind and the smell of untouched pages filled my nostrils. Heaven. This is a big step in trust for me. I do not like lending books. Really I don’ t like lending anything. I have to like you more than a little. It made sense for me though because it arrived when I had JUST started Fall on Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald and it is almost 600 pages long.

Also, while I’m just spewing out random shit which I guess is what I normally do here ?? Hmmm. I wanted to let you know that we finally watched Snakes on a Plane. Some of you know that snakes are the animal that scares me the very mostest of all things that scare me on earth. But yet crocodiles and alligators are my favorite animal. I don’t try to make sense of it either. Snakes on a Plane ruled. It had insanely bad dialogue, bad acting, a ridiculous plot, one snake that was so big there was NO WAY they could have even gotten it on the plane and as IF it fit in that bin that the rest of the snakes came from. I screamed out loud a couple of times. SPOILER: There is one part where a snake bites this chicks tit, right on her nipple, only thing that could have made it better is if her implant exploded.

I gotta go do dishes because eating MacDonald’s makes you fat.

Eight days till I’m 30.

As someone who already spells bad I have a pretty big issue with the new Will Smith movie The Pursuit of Happyness being spelt HAPPYNESS. Let’s all teach kids to spell bad. I had extra help in spelling and still can’t spell, spelling is hard. I know proper grammar I simply don’t use it. I spend a lot of time checking the dictionary and making sure I’m using the right spelling. Which I might add is very hard if you already can’t spell the bloody word sometimes looking it up is futile. If it was some legal issue like a movie or something already being called ‘The Pursuit of HAPPINESS’ then they should have named the movie something else. This is also a word I used to continuously spell wrong because I would spell it how it sounded. HAPPYNESS is not in the dictionary.
Maybe this happens all the time and my spelling is simply so bad I have never noticed and now that they have done it with an easy word I’m all up in arms, that’d be funny.
Whatever the reason I don’t really care it is going to be a huge movie for a while and it is promoting bad spelling and I am against that.

I don�t really understand why there are still crosswalks. Maybe in small towns like where I�m from it is cool to wave and shit after making someone stop for you with no red light to coax them. One crosswalk by this McDonalds I go to when I feel like eating the real 5 star expensive shit reminds me of some sick game. Because I�m a narcissist if there is a crosswalk I will walk out into it. I don�t even always look both ways I just EXPECT the driver to see me and follow the rules of the road and stop. In this day and age these are very unfortunate expectations and I am going to get myself killed. Walking around with me in a crosswalk area [the whole city] is like walking around with a 5 year old. I�ve had so many shirts ruined from people grabbing my back so I don�t get killed I may as well just wear a string bikini and take advantage of the topless laws that people thought were cool for about a day.

Crosswalks help people hold on to nostalgia, give a metropolitan city a feeling of the olden days a feeling I can�t let go of and risk my life for. I�ll look both ways when I jaywalk but I feed into the sick game of beating the car through the cross walk. I also love swearing kicking and yelling at people who almost run me over. Throwing my hands up, making a scene pointing to the crosswalk lines. But they gotta go before I die they have to.

Drivers in Vancouver have enough trouble stopping at red lights and hit people everyday. I wonder if I�d feel guiltier hitting someone blowing a red or blowing a crosswalk. I got rid of my car years ago but I learned to drive in the north in every �northern� condition you can imagine and my father is in a job where growing up I HAD to be good driver or it would A. get back to him FAST and B. I�d make him look bad. I gotta tell you about this one time it was awesome but not but totally awesome.

Terrace has a one lane bridge right�I graduated high school there [I mention this only because I mention three separate northern towns on here a lot and I can imagine it gets kind of confusing if you are regular reader or not whatever I�m just trying to be considerate] when I graded we had a two lane bridge it had been there I think maybe ten years I remember part of the time we lived in Smithers that Terrace still only had the one bridge or maybe it was when we lived in Surrey and my Dad was traveling down there. [the two towns are about two hours apart and I lived in both for almost the same time each] Anyways now you can use both. I was parked waiting to head across and there was one car in front of me. On the out of town side the first car is always completely flat and then from the second car up there is a gradual increase in non flatness. I have always driven standard. Automatics are for pussies although I would buy one living in the city and have never had a problem admitting I�m a pussy anyway. So I have one foot on the clutch and my other foot on the break and I illegally turn back to grab something from my back seat. When I turn back around there is a woman not even a scary one knocking on my window. I roll it down and she tells me I rear ended her. OK. I was 18, I didn�t care at all I knew I hadn�t done anything it didn�t even register with me and I didn�t tell my Dad. I have had only two speeding tickets in my life and having to tell my Dad was scary like being scared is times ten. I didn�t think it was necessary to tell him which means it was nothing.

I�m at work one day and my Dad calls me he asks me �were you in an accident at the bridge on such and such yadda yadda� I�m all snotty teenager �umm no like I think I�d of like told you like holy look where you work OH YEAH WAIT A MINUTE� so I tell him what happened. I have never had a very good memory but still. I get off the phone and less than five minutes later the lady walks in and says something to the affect of she just reported what happened and I�m sorry but my back and neck really hurt and you did rear end me excreta while I stare blankly at her without missing a beat and quickly explain that I KNOW my dad works there he JUST called and although because it involves me he can�t handle it as my DAD he of course called and asked me about it.

JAW smashed into the floor too bad about her face.

The people came and looked at my car they measured my seat belt my bumper proving right then and there not only was I not lying but there had been no impact period. But then she actually had the balls to sue me I don�t know if she just thought my Dad working there superseded the law so he could some how get me out of doing NOTHING but talk about moron you�ve already been caught and then you sue me? Turned out she�d been ripping this company off on other claims and mine was not the only one but you�d think when not only do you get caught but you get caught because you �fake hit� someone who�s father works at the company you�d get your head out of your ass but nope. Needless to say she lost I still have all the paper work from being served although I was not there I had already moved out by this time and it was for some ridiculous amount too. I was really pissed though holy I could not believe that she had backed her car up to make it look like I had hit her and was suing ME. I should have been suing HER.

I basically learned that asshole con artists live in small towns too and that being sued is fun only if you know you are going to win.

I got kicked out of a book club. It was a few years ago now. I was the youngest one in the group in my mid 20�s with a bunch of women in their early to mid 30�s all very successful in their jobs they all totally thought they were the shit and probably even thought some one else should wipe their asses for them too.

In walks me little miss non conformist, depressed as usual, loud mouth had no problem pointing out the differences in the societal classes we came from which big surprise- pissed them off. Maybe [b]I[/b] made it a big deal I don�t know but almost all of them irritated me from the start. There was one girl who was ok, she it turned out had been cleaning my teeth for years at the dentist but she never had a pretentious attitude and we�d always gotten along well, still do.

The women who started this particular book club IN MY OPINION took it way too fucking serious, one of them was ok, she moved away though, one still lives in my building I have very mixed feelings on her, I still see her we �chat� at the mail box, there is more there than just book club, her and her husband are both involved in positive and negative ways in my life enough for a different post that I will probably never write. The third and final woman who started the club is vile I can�t stand her. I know coming from someone who takes checking the mail every day seriously that it may seem surprising that I think they went overboard on the seriousness but they did. But I was really out of my element. I was still completely crazy to the max and was jealous to the max of ALLLLLL their fucking stupid success but I still think they were close minded overly conservative bitches even YEARS later so there. And I have never in my life been known to do well or get along well with women in group situations that take place on any kind of regular basis. Reason numero uno I keep all of my friendships separate. I am a one on one friend or one couple on one couple kinda gal. I am not a swinger though.

Even if you are just talking about books you do really get a feeling for people I mean shit the feeling was mutual I couldn�t stand any of them and they had a meeting about how I just didn�t fit in with my foul mouth and rating their book choices 0.5�s [I only did that ONCE and the book fucking sucked but as least I fucking read it!] If you are only going to pick top selling books everyone and their mother is already going to read anyway I�m going to rate them accordingly. I THOUGHT the book club was to like branch out and read different stuff and get a feeling for different genres and a place where I could be HONEST and have REAL discussions. I guess not. People often feel threatened and put off and sometimes intimidated by me because I�m �different�. But instead of accepting those differences these bitches just decided they�d be fine without me. FINE go back to your bullshit drunk fests, I�ll go read books with people who have open minds and can handle having a book they picked- PICKED didn�t write only picked- picked apart. I KNOW I can also be a lot to take if you don�t know me but it was a classic case of the cattle following the herd, if there had been men in this book club I�d of been fine in fact I would NEVER join another book club that men were not welcome in. They were not welcome in that one- it had some totally fucking gaydar name too I wish I could remember it.

I actually left before they kicked me out because I knew of the �meeting� and thought it was a bunch of bullshit and left one of the founders a message saying they were all much too conservative for me and should practice some open mindedness and that was that.

I was fed up anyway. The book I had picked �The Wasp Factory� by Iain Banks a kick ass gothic horror story, macabre, yet filled with dark over the top humor was something completely different from any novel ever picked by their stupid group. I personally felt it was time to test the boundaries and see just how close minded they were and OH were they. Half of them would not even read it, I think five people if that showed up for the meeting I hosted. So why are you in a book club if you can pretty much only handle Danielle Steel novels? They refused to read it because it apparently gave them nightmares and they didn�t like it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I read your piece of shit �Hotel World� by Ali Smith that sucked shit and was the book I gave a 0.5 I read someone else�s horrid pick of �The God who Begat a Jackal� by Nega Mezlekia which was so bad I almost laughed myself to death but gave it a six or something because I liked that it was based in Africa.

So I don�t know I guess I�ve always thought it pretty fucking crazy I got kicked out of a book club, I�m used to not fitting in but when it comes to books that was a shocker but then I realized it was the women, including myself, and not the books.

*

i�ve been working really hard on this thing where i don�t ban places on account of one person. with my hot temper i tend to get a little carried away with �saying� I�M NEVER FUCKING GOING THERE AGAIN. when i actually end up banning a place, for real, it generally turns out to be a huge pain in the ass. but by then the damage has already been done and i am too stubborn to step back in the place.

a few years ago i banned The Running Room. this ban is a really fucking HUGE inconvenience for me. i do not even know if HUGE is a big enough word to describe it, i think i will use MEGA HUGE instead.

i banned my optometrist�s office/shop because there was this FUCKWIT MORON that worked there and even though i had been going there forEVER this dude had it in for me or something. the couple that owned the place were good to me but i questioned how they could have a fuckwit with his level of fuckwitness working for them.
one day i went in because my piece of shit frameless, supposed to be more convenient and totally stealth IM NOT EVEN WEARING GLASSES were bent so bad i had to walk with my head cocked to one side. fuckwit looked at my face straight on and said �those are not bent� AND he laughed at me. bastard. i tried to straighten them myself at home and broke them in two. NOT BENT MY ASS YOU FUCKWIT.

[this other dude who worked at this glasses place next to where i used to work obviously thought i was hot in my suits and shit because he fixed them FOR FREE. new everything. AWESOME. they of course broke again, because you cannot turn a shit pair of glasses into good ones. they lasted until i was forced to post this scan, at which point i gave up on ever fixing them again.]

in february 2005 when my optometrist�s office called and told me i was due for my two-year check up i was rude, not cool, and stuck to my ban. i walk by there all the time [they are located a block from my apartment] and would scowl in at the FUCKWIT so i knew he still worked there.

by this time i was far far away from the job with the suits and the nice glasses dude who fixed things for free and i had no way of knowing i�d break my frameless pair AGAIN.

already being a headache suffer to the max i knew i was doing myself a disservice not going to get them checked. if the stupid government had not taken away the covered every two-year exam i would have just gone anywhere and said fuck it to the fuckwit. resenting having to pay the �fee� to have them checked also egged on my procrastination.

recently i realized that i had not seen the fuckwit in there at all lately. i tried to go in but still could not. but then i did it {insert applause here} and it was awesome! the fuckwit was GONE. AND i found out he had gotten LOTS of complaints. LOTS. turned out the old owners had taken off to Ontario and sold the place. i booked an appointment with the new optometrist and during my exam to my utter AMAZEMENT learned that my eyes had gotten BETTER. not worse, better. i didn�t even know that shit happened. now when i put my contacts in my head doesn�t instantly start pounding ten times harder. AWESOME. i had them in the other day when we went to the Team Canada game [i still haven�t posted what will be the motherload of hockey montages] and we smoked a lot of pot and my eyes didn�t get red NOR did i get a headache any worse than the normal one i have almost 24/7.

i don�t know what the moral of this story should be and here is why:

- had i gone in february 05 for my annual two-year check-up i could have ended up in glasses even stronger because i think my old optometrist sucked or something and i also would have had to deal with the fuckwit moron.

- having waited till i was almost a full year overdue for a check-up, i was able to go back to the place i liked because it is super close, the fuckwit was gone, i got a new AWESOME optometrist, AND my eyes got better.

**

i�ll have to leave it at making progress towards not banning places on account of one person. really though, i don�t think i can do it, i don�t think i can go back into The Running Room. i swear at the place every time i even see one.

* there is a lot going on here. i�m not just �trying� to look sexy {and failing miserably} in my new glasses and PJ�s, i am actually completely STRESSED OUT. when adam snapped this beauty we were watching the World Juniors. Canada was tied with the States 2-2 NEAR the end of the third and i couldn�t handle it. [we won! thank you baby jesus] this photo also marks day 7 in the team Canada toque. and yes, when i get stressed out watching sporting events sometimes i do grab my breasts and fall off the furniture.

** wardrobe, hair, photography, abc.

i am so fucking itchy right now it is turning me into the biggest bitchiest cunt on earth, with fangs a poison tongue and PMS to boot!
yesterday i put vaseline on it so you jerks can actually see it because it is getting SUPER scaly. and scanning it really didn�t turn out so good.
today i am being a tough ass bitch and not putting the vaseline on and TRYING to handle the itchiness so i won’t rub off any scabs or scales with the vaseline. the PMS just makes the experience so much more fun. WOO HOO PMS I LOVE YOU.

these photos are courtesy of my girl friend spockette. she knows who she is. you guys don’t. HAHA she’s hot too.

i just can’t wait to get it finished and go through all this FANTASTIC feeling itchiness again.

i’m super bitchy right now. SUPER. i have canker sores. i have been getting them since i was a kid and even with all the other stupid health shit wrong with me that causes me pain i find canker sores the most annoying and they make me want to freak out at everything. but talking hurts them, everything hurts them even breathing. i get them in the worst places and you’d think i would just get one at a time, but getting only one would be for someone with a statistic of at least 5% of good luck in life or higher.

i get them big and i generally get two or three little ones that seem to grow and meet each other and turn into a united ‘we hate you’ big one. right now i have two and they are ALMOST ready to join, they are resting on my teeth so i can’t move my mouth without feeling them. everyone always thinks they have some disgusting mixture of things to swish around in your mouth that gets rid of them. NOTHING gets rid of them until they are ready to go.

fine, so i do not get them as bad as i did as a teenager. when i had braces there were times the inside of my bottom lip was just one massive canker and i would simply smother the whole bottom layer of my teeth in wax. it was such a hot look, sometimes i can’t believe it didn’t catch on.

i have drawn a composite sketch of the current sores in my mouth.

here also is a picture of adam and i from last year right around this time that greenly (aka david) did some photo shop work on for me - the original is really dark, BECAUSE today is mine and adam’s two year anniversary. sucks i have these bloody mouth sores eh?

why does it seem like everything except video games come out on their specified release date? they just NEVER do (here). i hate waiting for things. it does not work for me at all. i do not possess patience. being virtuous is for suckers.
if it is announced a game is coming out on the 20th of September i fucking want it on the 20th of September. not today, not tomorrow: on the 20th. dare i repeat myself again.
yesterday no tiger 2006
today no tiger 2006
if i don’t have it tomorrow heads are going to roll.
we played a send off game to 2005 last night, (because did i mention it didn’t come in on its release date?) OF COURSE playing St. Andrews as it is our mutual favourite. but now no tiger today either!

must give a kick ass shout out here to Lyvvie who rocks so hard we can hardly contain ourselves. she picked us up some balls and tees from the REAL St. Andrews. ABC and i see a sock monkey in your future.

now i am just sitting here waiting, twiddling my thumbs, one of them hurts like a bitch if i may add. in my left handed clumsiness i some how pulled the shit out of it cleaning the oven - it is also my ‘playstation’ thumb. so MAYBE just maybe fate is the cause of having to WAIT for the game so that my thumb gets better. didn’t help that i had my brand spankin’ new pilates class last night and had to balance on my hands some. when i lost the round to adam last night i said: blame the oven, blame the pilates, my thumb is fucked man.

if an orchestra of wee violins could start playing me a tune right NOW that would be fantastic.