A lot of things became clear on Saturday night after I arrived at my favorite restaurant, The Macaroni Grill. I knew I was special because we got to eat up stairs. Although I confessed to knowing something was up I didn’t know who would make it and spent Saturday all nervous and hyper and couldn’t take any extra anxiety meds because I knew I’d be drinking. Some people did trick me into thinking they weren’t going when I tried to execute what I though were stealth tactics to get information.

I was pleasantly surprised to see my friend Tricia and my buddy Darryl and I single them out because I hadn’t seen them since the wedding and I then went underground for months. Seeing them both made me realize just how much my friends really do accept me bullshit and all. I went MIA for months when I crashed after the wedding and it is so nice to see that people genuinely stand by me. I know they do, but witnessing it feels good because I know I still care even if I can’t leave my apartment for months and crap but always worry and wonder if I really know for sure. I have gone to The Macaroni Grill for my birthday so many times I have photos of Spockette who attended this year also attending my 21st. She’d kill me if I posted them though.

A big thanks to Adam because he was the mastermind and I KNOW I drove him NUTS! Like with my cake I was very upset on Thursday my actual birthday because there was no Dairy Queen Ice Cream cake and I did not understand WHY??? But it was because Dvo made me a VERY and I mean VERY special cake. One of the ingredients is pure green. Dvo and Adam have worked together for years but Dvo has become my friend too and no one has ever made me a cake before that wasn’t my mom.

Thank you everyone for coming and doing what I wanted which ended up pretty classic me, dinner and then hanging between our four brown walls having drinks and me sharing sometimes too much information a grand habit of mine when I drink too much. Ever want to get to know the real dirt on me just get me hammered. Thankfully seeing me hammered is very rare. I am so open already I can only imagine what I’d write if I blogged drunk, I shudder to think.

The rest of the photos can be found on my Flickr.

I had a birthday and tonight I am being ‘taken’ somewhere. I KNOW NOTHING. THAT IS ALL I KNOW. Adam even had Raymi in on it as displayed by this photo. But I still know nothing. I know I am wearing a dress out though and it is fucking raining. And I hate knowing what I know even if it is nothing because now I am nervous. Where are we going, who is coming, who isn’t coming????? EVERYONE better come!

Thank you all very much for all the Facebook mail, comments and emails e-cards etc. I felt very special. I also got some Royal Mail, thank you both.

So far being thirty is cooler than I thought it would be. I feel radder. Like, HAHAHAHAHA I am NOT in my twenties anymore and yooooooooooooooooooooooou are! People say you really get to know yourself in your thirties and they are right 30 is a very easy number to remember and when people ask me how old I am I won’t have to think about it anymore. Plus Adam is weird and wants to be thirty so I get to pick on him for being ONLY 27 instead of him picking on me for being old and this totally works for me. I get to say cool things like ‘Dirty Thirty’ and I’m in a new club. Don’t get me wrong I still ‘like’ people in their 20’s but really I feel cooler than you right now.

While I am on thank yous…..

A big huge thank you goes out to Jenn from mater facit for the new header for Gus Greeper. The argyle alone…. DROOL. And to John for his patience with me through this whole change over process and also putting up the new header.

Let’s hope I’m not hugging the porcelain bowl later on tonight, thankfully Adam has been known to hold my hair. And also I hope there are some good photos because I have yet to have my picture taken AS a thirty year old.

On Saturday morning an invitation came in on Facebook for my girlfriend Bonny’s birthday. Every year we have our birthdays two days apart. I generally go out for her birthday. But this year I realized I had nothing to wear. But not only did I have nothing to wear nothing I own fits so I couldn’t even pretend to pull off an outfit and I also did not want to wear what I am going to wear for my birthday which will still fit because it was a bit big before.

Having issues with fit is nothing new to me. But in the last seven or so years I have gone from being a size zero and weighing between 100 and 108 lbs to now weighing close to 130 lbs. Due to the stress brought on by our wedding I was very small again when we got married, around 115 lbs. Since the wedding I have gone through A LOT of mental shit but in a lot of ways am feeling comfortable in my life like never before and also being on three medications for depression I’ve put on close to another 15 lbs. Basically when I would fluctuate back and forth between too thin and 115 lbs I could make my closet work there was a enough variety. But now that I have passed 120 lbs other than t-shirts and my size medium underwear nothing fits. This would be perfect if only underwear were considered short shorts and it was a tiny bit warmer here year round. I have been living in yoga pants and track pants, they stretch.

I really don’t give a shit what size you are when your body starts to change in a not so sexy way in your opinion or you put on weight it is hard to stomach and I’m having a lot of trouble looking at my body in the mirror and not saying horrid things about it. When I was a youngin’ I was picked on CONSTANTLY for being ‘too thin’. I was called every name in the book. I had no tits, I somehow always had a butt on me though. But kids are relentless and I almost got beat up once for saying that my jeans would fit some girl because they were size six and huge on me because big baggy pants were in and I just meant they’d fit her, she thought I was calling her fat and sent a posse of fists out after me. I have spent my life mostly choosing to stay out of weight conversations unless they are one on one because being the ‘thin’ one no matter what you say, it is wrong. I have never understood why people used to always feel comfortable spewing out “you are so thin”, “you are so skinny” and thinking it was a compliment. I’m sorry but this is NO different than walking up to someone who is fat and saying “oh my god, you are so fat!” I would never do that so don’t fucking comment on my weight. Although I have never been anorexic or bulimic, you don’t know me you have no idea what sort of keeping weight on issues I might have nor do I know if you have some kind of problems keeping you fat. Being too thin even without the stereotypical things people assume when they see you is JUST as unhealthy as being over weight, there are many other reasons a person on the thin side could have problems keeping weight on if they want to which there always were with me. The intensity of my anxiety can cause me to drop 10 lbs in a week. NOT HEALTHY.

Now, to be honest until recently I was very arrogant about my body and used to think it was pretty hot, as I was told it was many ‘good’ things once I hit my twenty’s, I’d go so far as to say there was no way I would ever lose my natural six pack even when I wasn’t working out. I was always well aware of when I was too thin due to my depression though, it was still a double edged sword. When I was too thin and I knew it was due to depression and people made comments about it, I played it off, knowing there was nothing I could do, but it made me feel like shit, on display, singled out and disliked JUST because I was thin. When I was eating two burgers a day and receiving the same comments and knew I wasn’t too thin it still made me feel like shit but I flaunted it to hide my insecurities because when you are viewed as a ‘hot body’ by males and ‘too thin’ by women and not a whole person for a large portion of your life your self perception gets warped and your values in relation to why people like you became shaded and you can get lost in offering yourself to people in ways you never normally would just to be accepted.

Because I have been feeling so negative about my shape and flabby belly and thigh skin I have started to work out and run again but running is at the mercy of my knee. This is the first year in my life I am dreading putting on a bathing suit.

Due to having one pair of jeans I can wear, but are still too tight in the waist, I thought there would be SOMETHING to wear ‘out’ but after trying on pairs of pants after pairs of pants and just NOTHING fitting, I was feeling worse and worse, I started crying, Adam gave me a hug. But then I dug into a bag of clothes where I knew there was a pair of pants that I bought when I was little miss corporate girl and got them a size too big and tried them on, they’re a size 6 and were still too small but they would do. I had to take them in for emergency same day hemming. Now for a shirt. Again nothing, everything I used to wear out was too short too tight or too bar star for my age. It was raining harder than cats and dogs but we hoofed it to The Bay after tearing the closet completly apart and found a kick ass shirt I love. I don’t feel any better about my body, but I had a good evening and my shirt looked sweet.

I obviously have to learn to accept my new size which I KNOW when I am in my rational mind is not fat but disliking my body is new to me, and having a closet and dresser FULL of clothes that don’t fit, I just don’t care what size you are it is depressing.

Friday I started riding the monthly cotton pony and my cramps set in about two hours before seeing my shrink. Fantastic, I think that was the first time I have ever taken advantage of the cinematically stereotypical lay down on the couch session. The couch is so comfy and has so many pillows I generally just sit up and hold the pillowy softness.

So, last night we headed out to see Spiderman 3 with our friend John and my Mom. John had free passes and took Adam and me. We were in a tiny rush. I remembered to take a pill for my cramps before we left but I realized after we’d already picked up John and were almost at the theatre that I had not only forgotten to change the cotton for the excursion but I hadn’t even brought a new bullet with me. FUUUUCCCCCK.

I was wearing Yoga pants, the same pants I had worn on Friday for the walk over to my shrink’s office and had asked my Mom to put an extra bullet in her purse for me. I didn’t have a bag or pockets on me either time. I asked her if she happened to have my bullet on her.

No. Shit.

Adam being the old fashioned gentleman that he is had a brand spankin’ new handkerchief on him and offered it to me as a makeshift pad. We basically all laughed and John learned more than I think any gay man needs to know about a woman’s period, as I stressed out about leakage and stainage and flow strength given it was barely day two.

When we got to the theatre I gave her a quick check figuring it still had a good hour or two at least left in it only to discover that it was of course already starting to leak. GO FIGURE the tampon dispenser was OUT OF ORDER. [when aren’t they seriously!?] I went back out and motioned for Adam to hand over the hankie to use in conjunction. I felt like a lady from the 1970’s bringing back the cloth pad except the size and shape were all wrong and there was nothing to hold it to my gonch.

Ladies if you had them, let us not forget the years of pad wearing and ‘IS MY PAD SHOWING’ paranoia. I WAS IN YOGA PANTS and have not worn a pad since middle school! At least I didn’t have a camel toe but I felt like everyone was staring at my ass and the tiny bit of extra space in my crotch area but I’m sure no one noticed, but still, NOT THE POINT.

We find our seats and I’m thinking about the walk home and how quickly I am going to want to get out of there when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see him. I see my shrink. GREAT. He sits to the left of us one row down. He has arrived kind of late so he is on the side. I have never ever ever run into him outside of the office and so I started to flip out like a teenage girl for a minute like he was Elvis or something. I don’t know exactly when he saw me but he saw me and he heard me for sure my laugh is EXTREMELY distinctive. You can’t miss it, no way, no how. At the end of the movie I felt him turn in my direction but I turned away as to not make any eye contact really I did not know what to do. I didn’t want to cross any out of office boundaries and I have no idea why but I felt like some giddy school girl seeing him with whom I assume was his partner and friends. Vancouver is a very small city it was inevitable I was going to run into him I’m just shocked it took four years.

I’ll walk in next Friday and just start with: So, Spiderman 3 eh�?

By the way, Spidey was pretty good. Except for Kirsten Dunst but you know going in you have to put up with her. I had a low expectation for the film which is probably why I liked it and of the three I liked it the most. I will probably remember the movie too, I forget what most are about sometimes within a day of watching them with how many movies we watch, but between the clothes and theatre seat saving hankie and watching a movie a row from my shrink I think I�ll be playing the remember that time game a lot with this one.

The weekend was odd. Rhonda just left this morning. I have PMS so I was a bit bitchy. Friday night we were supposed to go out to The Dufferin with my friends M & J to watch male strippers and move on from there. Thankfully we went over to M & J’s place at 8:30pm and didn’t even leave for the bar till I don’t know when because I got thrown out of the bar and never got to see the male strippers that I didn’t want to see anyway I was only there because M is leaving for Thailand for a year. The whole five minutes I was in there was fun though and I then wanted to be out even if I was in a loud bar surrounded by men cheering for naked men who couldn’t dance. I heard one guy comment that the stripper was dancing like a ‘white boy’. The stripper was wearing a sailor suit and was white, I’m not sure what he was expecting. He was just about to tear his pants off when I stomped out singing IN THE NAVY. Adam just wanted to see them to see how different they are from Women. Let’s just say VERY and leave it at that.

It was my fault but that did not keep me from freaking on the jack ass who asked for my identification. I GUESS like two years ago they started enforcing a law that was always in place just never used or hardly ever used or used if they don’t believe you are of age. Apparently you have to have TWO pieces of ID to go to a bar/club now. This is how little I go out I had no idea. NONE. We went to a couple Pubs when C.J was here and I got asked for identification in one place but not two pieces. I only had my drivers’ license on me which looks EXACTLY like me and it was almost TWO MONTHS TO THE DAY that I will be 30 and they made me leave. So Rhonda and Adam obviously had to leave too. Nice. I understand that I look young but that is fucking ridiculous. And I’m sorry I’m not gay and only have gay friends. It TOTALLY felt like discrimination, damn matching wedding bands they know right there I’m a breeder [I had my ID in Adam’s wallet]. I know I SHOULD take it as a compliment but there is NO WAY I look 19. Ever since we have gotten the Olympics this ‘city’ behaves like it has a pole up its ass. This is not my first encounter with the bull shit changes sweeping Vancouver, it has always been a very stuck up city but it is almost impossible to walk up Robson without vomiting at the people it attracts and you can’t walk a kilometer without tripping over construction anymore. Yes this keeps my husband employed but when the city looks different on a weekly almost daily basis it starts to get a little scary. There is obviously nothing I can do about it ‘cept hope that Canada at least wins both of the bloody gold medals in hockey . That wouldn’t make it all ok but it would make it better.

I am convinced that if the Canucks had won the hockey game on Friday night I would NOT have been kicked out the attitude in the city would have been totally different.

THEN even more asshole encounters.

We were waiting for the bus to go over the Lions’ Gate Bridge to go to Walmart. I can never remember if it is in West Van or North Van and I forgot to check the bus we needed but figured I would just ask the drivers seeing as I do expect them to know where they are or AREN’T going. Not to mention we were standing around chatting about NOT knowing what bus to take and it turned out when we got on the WRONG one that the woman standing RIGHT NEXT TO US KNEW we were getting on the wrong bus but said nothing. BITCH. I would NEVER do that if I overhear people having a ‘lost’ conversation and I know what bus they need, directions what have you I ALWAYS interrupt and tell them. EVERYTIME! HOW RUDE.

The bus driver was just as oblivious; Adam thinks he was drunk because he stayed right at 50km. I ASSumed there was NO WAY I could go wrong wording my question like this: “Do you stop at Park Royal”� I know that Park Royal is in the opposite direction. The driver said: “I am going to West Van” I realized about half way over the bridge we were on the wrong bus. And I threw a tantrum, I told you I have PMS. BUT seriously how hard would it have been for him to have simply said NO. I was so pissed off I went home. No Walmart for me.

A while ago, in December to be exact Miss604 tagged me with Five things you don’t know about Miss604 but for me it’s Five things you don’t know about Gus Greeper aka Corinna Carlson because I am not a cat or a man.
Then Jenn did a post called i bet you didn’t know that and listed four things and it reminded me that I still needed to do mine but really I’d been trying to do it but couldn’t think of interesting things. These will have to do. I just confirmed them with my parents as well, or rather called them and forced ‘interesting things that most of you wouldn’t know about me out of them.

1. I was a member of the Nancy Greene downhill ski league and the Jackrabbits cross country ski league simultaneously in the late 80’s early 90’s.
2. During the same time period we lived at the top of a steep unpaved 2km + hill that the school bus would not even attempt that I walked after school each day in all weather conditions to our house where we were on a telephone party line, a well, had a septic drain field, a wood furnace and two television stations sometimes 1.5 and my first cat Stinky was eaten by a wild creature, and my third dog Woody, the first dog I had NOT named Muffin had a nose that was long like a long penis.
3. On a camping/canoe trip when I was pretty young we got stuck in a storm and I was bailing water out of the canoe as fast as I could to keep us from sinking and almost died of hypothermia.
4. When I was three The Big Bad Wolf was my favorite fictional character.
5. In the early 80’s when we lived in Niagara Falls, Ontario my Dad worked from home and I went home from school for lunch every day and he made me lunch and I watched re-runs of Leave it to Beaver.

Motivation
A job
Confidence
Justin Timberlake’s newest CD
Golf shoes
Money & loonies & quarters for laundry
A hug
T-shirts
An Excedrin Migraine tablet
For my tits and nipples to not be killing me from PMS
Food in my belly
Continued love & support
To wash dishes (again!)
Mail
To NOT take a nap today
A new bra
Faith in myself
Positive affirmations (repeated)
Positive influences only
A plan
Consistency
Exercise
To return Borat to Blockbuster