So now I come to you from my donut pillow atop my CPU chair dealing with the fact that I’m going to have to face it I’m addicted to blogging. I was blogging standing up so I could read your comments on ABC’s special appearance post*. As well as the ones I didn’t get to respond to on ‘The Rhoids’ post because I left to be cut a new asshole. I typed comments also in the standing position on some of your blogs because until late yesterday my ass did not go near the CPU chair. Honestly though whether I should or should not enter ‘addicted to blogging anonymous’ {ABA}, likely treated with a one step program of throwing your CPU out the window, is still up for debate.

Ass-Surgery which is quickly becoming my favourite ‘word’ of 2006 was fan-fucking-tastic.

See this ‘I love you’ pillow? Adam bought it for me to sit on coming home because everyone had a different opinion on the donut pillow, some nurses said GOOD some nurses said BAD. I barfed on it twice in Adam’s boss’s truck [we got the barf out].
I feel like the biggest asshole ever for barfing in the truck because I inspected the bag first for holes and I did not see any. I figure the acid from my barf ate through the bag.

I won’t lie to you people. This is the nastiest shit ever. Far, far worse than landing on my head with no helmet off a motor scooter breaking my collar bone, and the subsequent surgery combined x 10 million and 6. And I do, as MANY will attest and sign notarized documents were I to ask it of them, have a high pain tolerance. I would not put it above or below any of them though to also check a yes in the ‘whines a lot’ box. [in the 90’s they DID NOT have helmets to rent with the scooters in the Cook Islands]

Some of the Ass-Surgery high-lights are, but don’t be fooled, are not limited to:

Simply having ass-surgery at all; what a fun story to tell from the start of ‘The Rhoids’ to being just weeks away from being able to add the ending.

The stench of the surgery site drainage and the fact that I have to wear night time absorbency pads 24/7 [with wings] as to not ‘ruin’ my panties and clothes; this goes with the 4 to 6 baths a day. People, I have not worn ‘a pad’ let alone worn it 24/7 since the 10th grade, I remember very clearly the switch from pads to tampons and it was for a reason. I had up until today considered myself extremely lucky because I was not experiencing ANY butt chaffing but alas “Happy Valentines Day” to me, I officially have butt chaffing.

There was enough freezing that I made it home in relatively good shape except that upon arrival I barfed a third time [into the toilet]. I got no sleep the first night at all. NONE. The freezing came out and my sphincter would not stop going through random but enthusiastic spasms sending me yelling out in pain. Not crying though I didn’t cry once. Big girls don’t cry. The sphincter spasms lasted for days, I don’t think I even have to tell you how incredibly AWESOME that was.

My first bowel movement took over an hour. I chugged glass after glass of water to take my mind off the fact it was happening fresh out of bed at 7 something in the morning with absolutely no pain killers in the system. Everyone knows that I Corinna Liscumb have a mild tendency to exaggerate but this is different and I would never do that in regards to something like this, Adam sat on a stool [haha I said stool] the whole time and basically held my hand. Although I would give anything to see my facial expressions there was no fucking way I was busting out the camera even for something as memorable as that was. In case anyone is DYING to know my second pooh was much shorter but just as painful and involved yelling and the word ‘fuck’ at times.

THE REAL DEAL:

I woke up in super sexy and I mean SUPER Sexy white mesh gauze stuffed panties that I AM keeping as a souvenir.

Adam and Gus both have been the bestest of the best. Adam is a fantastic male nurse and it very conveniently turned out that he doesn’t have to leave for work until tomorrow. Thank you baby Jesus seriously on Monday I was no where near ready to be alone by tomorrow morning considering it is late evening here as I’m writing this, I still won’t like the having to leave bit, but having him here Monday and today was better than great.

For Valentines Day which I view as a total commercial piece of shit holiday that we don’t celebrate other than in the random ways we celebrate everything we celebrate; Adam in this true spirit got me a Hump Back Whale I’ve named Magnum and a Whale Shark that I’ve named Blue Dot., both of which I have Scanned for YOU to keep with the tradition of scanning our insane gifts to each other.

These two creatures of the water are a gift from the heart of my true love to be played with during my 4 to 6 daily baths that I will now have to administer to myself.

* [An ABC special appearance] will now show before all his posts so you know it is him, I realized I never mentioned he may guest post.

My feet stink, no matter what. I�ve even tried washing them. I like to buy really cheap Old Navy sandals so I can constantly replace them and also use them as slippers in the summer but now my winter slippers stink something awful - it is not fair I don�t want nor do I need stinky feet.
I have decided that slipper socks are where it�s at. The only problem is getting out of the shower. If the matt is not 100% cat litter free I have to do this crazy, scary could kill myself so easily balance shit to get my feet dry not touch anything and get my slipper socks on. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE behaviour at its finest.

This is a photo of my right foot in my favourite slipper socks. DO ENJOY IT.

Adam’s hair is getting scruffy. For a couple of days I�d been looking at him thinking �he is TOTALLY starting to look like Wolverine�. But I never told him. I just kept thinking it. On Monday I told him.
�You totally look like Wolverine right now - you know with how your hair is and shit�.
He totally denied it. �NO WAY� he said.
I was like, �dude, I�ve been thinking you look like Wolverine for like two days now, you SO look like Wolverine�
He insisted he did not look like Wolverine.

He got up and went into the bathroom and did this FULL ON Wolverine do and I don’t know if he believes me or not NOW but he really looks like Wolverine.

GUS is also my writing buddy. Sometimes when she jumps up on me she smashes her head into my elbow or because she doesn�t possess anything that even resembles balance she misses me completely and falls on the floor.

Here is something you probably did not know about ME.
I have been collecting Tigger stuff since I was sixteen. It happened by accident I am not a collector type person, trust me, I go on �throw away� rampages every few months and have lived to regret it many a time. [although my books would be considered a collection as well]
I guess maybe the Tigger tattoo gave it away that he and I have something going on.
I started collecting before he became totally cool, got a complete make over and went mainstream and everyone was screaming his name and people were like WINNIE THE WHO?????

Last week I got a TUMBLE TIME TIGGER.

Gus is extremely uninterested in his tumbling. If you ask me SHE is jealous of my Tigger stuff.

Dr. Vegas on the other hand looks like he is getting ready to throw his shit at The Tigger. I was SHOCKED when I uploaded this photo and saw how Dr. V really feels about the new house mate. Thankfully Dr. V kept himself under control.

When I bought my Tumble Time Tigger [a gift from my mom for an upcoming surgery I�m having on February 9th�.post pending] the sales ladies head almost BLEW OFF when I said it was for ME.
WHAT you never seen a 28 year old woman buy a Tumble Time Tigger for herself before?
Then she said I looked like a teenager so I let her live.

Buying the tigger got me all reminiscent about my collection that mainly sits in boxes right now because we have no room to display it and as if I want it out in PLAIN sight � it needs its own shelving system in a spare room somewhere down the road.
What you will see here is only about 75% of it.

[you�ll notice even though I am incredibly bad at math that I do enjoy using the percentages]

I also have the two tiggers before this new tigger that bounce and speak in tigger. The first one is MANUAL you like have to PUSH IT into the floor yourself then release your hand BUT NOT THE TIGGER. The second is slightly better it has batteries but it can only say one sentence and bounce.
This new one is incredible - it is just. Obviously, this is why Dr. Vegas IS so mad.

The new tigger says about a million things he has his own theme music to hammer time and he turns over and over and does hand stands. Fuck man he is SO awesome.

I went down to the storage locker brought up all the boxes and went tigger crazy.

Some of the missing items from these photos include:

stickers, iron on patches, key chains, xmas decorations, coffee mugs, socks, photo albums, book markers, one that sits on gold and a piece of marble, the mouse pad…

can you spot dr. vegas in all those tiggers?? [hint: he is only in one]

*

i�ve been working really hard on this thing where i don�t ban places on account of one person. with my hot temper i tend to get a little carried away with �saying� I�M NEVER FUCKING GOING THERE AGAIN. when i actually end up banning a place, for real, it generally turns out to be a huge pain in the ass. but by then the damage has already been done and i am too stubborn to step back in the place.

a few years ago i banned The Running Room. this ban is a really fucking HUGE inconvenience for me. i do not even know if HUGE is a big enough word to describe it, i think i will use MEGA HUGE instead.

i banned my optometrist�s office/shop because there was this FUCKWIT MORON that worked there and even though i had been going there forEVER this dude had it in for me or something. the couple that owned the place were good to me but i questioned how they could have a fuckwit with his level of fuckwitness working for them.
one day i went in because my piece of shit frameless, supposed to be more convenient and totally stealth IM NOT EVEN WEARING GLASSES were bent so bad i had to walk with my head cocked to one side. fuckwit looked at my face straight on and said �those are not bent� AND he laughed at me. bastard. i tried to straighten them myself at home and broke them in two. NOT BENT MY ASS YOU FUCKWIT.

[this other dude who worked at this glasses place next to where i used to work obviously thought i was hot in my suits and shit because he fixed them FOR FREE. new everything. AWESOME. they of course broke again, because you cannot turn a shit pair of glasses into good ones. they lasted until i was forced to post this scan, at which point i gave up on ever fixing them again.]

in february 2005 when my optometrist�s office called and told me i was due for my two-year check up i was rude, not cool, and stuck to my ban. i walk by there all the time [they are located a block from my apartment] and would scowl in at the FUCKWIT so i knew he still worked there.

by this time i was far far away from the job with the suits and the nice glasses dude who fixed things for free and i had no way of knowing i�d break my frameless pair AGAIN.

already being a headache suffer to the max i knew i was doing myself a disservice not going to get them checked. if the stupid government had not taken away the covered every two-year exam i would have just gone anywhere and said fuck it to the fuckwit. resenting having to pay the �fee� to have them checked also egged on my procrastination.

recently i realized that i had not seen the fuckwit in there at all lately. i tried to go in but still could not. but then i did it {insert applause here} and it was awesome! the fuckwit was GONE. AND i found out he had gotten LOTS of complaints. LOTS. turned out the old owners had taken off to Ontario and sold the place. i booked an appointment with the new optometrist and during my exam to my utter AMAZEMENT learned that my eyes had gotten BETTER. not worse, better. i didn�t even know that shit happened. now when i put my contacts in my head doesn�t instantly start pounding ten times harder. AWESOME. i had them in the other day when we went to the Team Canada game [i still haven�t posted what will be the motherload of hockey montages] and we smoked a lot of pot and my eyes didn�t get red NOR did i get a headache any worse than the normal one i have almost 24/7.

i don�t know what the moral of this story should be and here is why:

- had i gone in february 05 for my annual two-year check-up i could have ended up in glasses even stronger because i think my old optometrist sucked or something and i also would have had to deal with the fuckwit moron.

- having waited till i was almost a full year overdue for a check-up, i was able to go back to the place i liked because it is super close, the fuckwit was gone, i got a new AWESOME optometrist, AND my eyes got better.

**

i�ll have to leave it at making progress towards not banning places on account of one person. really though, i don�t think i can do it, i don�t think i can go back into The Running Room. i swear at the place every time i even see one.

* there is a lot going on here. i�m not just �trying� to look sexy {and failing miserably} in my new glasses and PJ�s, i am actually completely STRESSED OUT. when adam snapped this beauty we were watching the World Juniors. Canada was tied with the States 2-2 NEAR the end of the third and i couldn�t handle it. [we won! thank you baby jesus] this photo also marks day 7 in the team Canada toque. and yes, when i get stressed out watching sporting events sometimes i do grab my breasts and fall off the furniture.

** wardrobe, hair, photography, abc.

back when i first started this site in my attempts to keep it real to keep it honest, to start it that way and keep it that way i started with some confessions/warnings if you will, one of them was:

-i whine about everything, there is always SOMETHING wrong with me

i think it is time i come clean and state what to some is already obvious and to others will come as a complete and utter shock. you may even find yourselves scared.

i am also neurotic, hypersensitive to assholes, hypersensitive in general, a proud hypochondriac; i have this slight tendency to over react and an even slighter tendency to exaggerate some stuff.
i stress myself out over EVERYTHING and then i over analyse it and then i generally analyse it a few more times just to be sure i have every angle covered. one of my favorites is my all or nothing thinking. it�s so fun. i am also a clumsy klutz of the grandest proportions, i hurt myself doing the most mundane things and i�m also left handed.

i�ve been sick since the weekend and adam since last thursday, gus sneezed THREE times in a row last tuesday and suddenly everyone is sick. adam generally won�t admit he is sick. it�s the sneezing, spitting mucus, coughing and so pale he could drop dead at ANY second �act� that gives it away. me: biggest baby on earth when sick. i greep it for all it�s greepin� worth.

thanks for the well wishes guys, you ARE the best some of you are so kick ass you even asked about my canker sores, NOW does that ever make me feel special.
not only have i had more of the nasty little fuckers one of my favorite blogger buddies Paul of Basically Nonsense suggested a rating system for me. this fantastic system is all but the same as rating the force of hurricanes.
so Sumo in answer to your inquiry the OLD ONES did join forces into one massive category 5 and once they healed i was blessed with a single HUGE category 4 just in time for my head cold.

i plan to go to pilates tonight and get everyone sick. i�m lying. i’m not contagious anymore some jerk is likely to get ME sick again. but if i start coughing uncontrollably from a tickle in my nose or throat from the nutter breathing i will be SURE to YELL out…DON�T WORRY IT�S JUST BIRD FLU. i have so always wanted to do that.

i shouldn’t have let it bother me. but it hurt. and i didn’t open up the pages of my book, i held it to my chest with my sweaty hand. i stood there listening.
the week had sucked so bad i was already - well ready to explode off of my psychiatrist’s couch. my sleeve was on fire they knew i was listening.

who am i to this bitch and her pussy co-worker? shit for brains couldn’t of kept her from seeing the death wish in my eyes. i could tell the other one covered in her word vomit wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up as much as i did.

she almost reminded me of myself for a minute she just kept saying the same things over and over again, loud, louder now rambling, no inside voice.

“i just don’t want children, i see my friends with them and some of them are cute and all but just like they say, they go back with their parents (insert her chuckling here) do you want kids she asks her pussy co-worker, PCW says well no not really, but-..but the bitch cut her off. they are just so much work, you know, and who wants to dedicate all that time. but i wouldn’t rule it out.”

i was just grumpy, pissy, had a bad week, was going to make mean faces at anyone and everyone who made eye contact with me girl and was listening in on an ignorant in public conversation. until she said she wouldn’t rule out having children.

the bus pulled up. i sat down across the isle from them.

“you have to give up your whole adult life and then you retire. they suck you dry. you are always tired and they are so bloody expensive. you never get to do anything. as if i want to spend all of my hard earned money on one” on and on and on.

there wasn’t any other audible talking on the bus, all i could hear was her.

it was like i was listening in on my parents talk about me as a kid, she continued spewing her truth and it kept slapping me in the face.

i had to hold back tears. i had to hold back screaming at her. i wanted to beg her to never ever have a child. tell her i hated my parents - that in the end they had betrayed and abandoned me just so they could be right. i wanted to tell her that my mother’s sister told me that the first words out of my father’s mouth when i was born were - never again - I will never go through this again. he didn’t even give birth to me and exactly what did he go through, that he hasn’t in every way but with his fists at some point put me through? i don’t understand why i was on that bus with her. i couldn’t of ignored her had i tried.

i LOVE buying cleaning products. i have to hold myself back from buying every single new cleaning product there is. good thing i am super smart - the underwear i have on right now even say so, maybe i will scan them - and therefore i DO NOT fall for frills and gimmicks.

i prefer anti-bacterial because i have issues with germs.

but FUCK i hate cleaning, i hate it so much.

East Vancouver is not a nice place. There are nice places there but I don�t think I have ever seen them. When I was 20, I rented my first apartment there with just me and Gus! I was really nervous and scared looking for a place. I had no idea what I was doing. This was to be my third actual living space in Vancouver, but the first one I was to find all on my own. I ended up renting a dive. It LOOKED like a really super cute basement suite. The rent was $595.00 and even though my pay checks (every two weeks) were only $511.00 I knew I could make it work. I knew I did not want and would not tolerate roommates.

I lived in there for maybe a week when I became 100% sure that there was not one piece of insulation in the walls. I literally froze. Not to mention there were mice, SLUGS in my kitchen and in the entrance, the people up stairs smoked, I had NO control over my own heat (not that it mattered when it actually came on it was gone within minutes anyway) and the smoke would waft down and fill my suite. This was just fucking awesome considering I already have daily chronic headaches. I inhabited this suite for approximately a year. I would have broken my lease but on the money I was making and with how expensive it is to shut everything off and have it hooked back up again I was simply in no position to move.

I had extremely interesting experiences in that year and learned�oh did I learn stuff.

One thing I learned was to never ever answer the door - even if you have looked out the window, checked the peep hole, and know it is safe - if you have not yet gone to the bathroom that day.

I opened the door and was smacked by the heat off two firemen. I was still in my PJs which consisted of a t-shirt and track pants, they were grey. I can�t remember exactly what they needed to look at but it was out back behind the house in the shed, I just had to open the door for them. They were going to every house in the neighbourhood. My tongue was in a knot, my knees were weak but with keys in hand I took them back to the shed, myself in front the whole way. I opened the shed they entered, I left.

Once I got back inside my suite I breathed a sigh of relief. No woman should be expected to lead hot fireman to a shed in her PJs fresh out of bed. EVER. I proceeded to the bathroom for my morning pee. It was during this process of releasing pee that I looked down and discovered that whatever apparatus I had used the previous night for my period had leaked out past my underwear all over my track pants. The grey ones.

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

I positioned myself in front of the mirror and strained and turned and looked at myself from every single possible angle to try to dispel the FACT that there was just no way in hell that they didn�t see it. NO WAY IN HELL. The stain was huge.

Did I mention that I was like so embarrassed that I almost died?

- i just found out for sure that i have acquired allergies, and it makes me want to run through the streets screaming WHY ME ! Is 365 days a year of headaches not enough?
- last night i pretended that i had not seen �Anger Management� so that Adam would stay up and watch it with me and he had to work early in the morning
- when the movie ended, i told him i�d seen it
- i have only played the gi-tar about 4 times since i claimed i had skills
- Ray and i saw �Monster in Law� today and I fucking loved it !
- it has been over two weeks since i have warn deodorant, when Ray and i were at the movies i was relieved when she did not tell me i smelled
- sometimes i really worry that Ray doesn�t know how much she means to me
- i can�t wait for Britney�s reality show AND Amber and Rob�s wedding
- i am only on page 51 of the book i need to have read for the �family book club� that i started
- when i say i swear a lot, i really mean that my mouth is so foul that sometimes i shock myself with what comes out of it
- i am not sure that those around me enjoy my foul mouth as much as i do
- i whine about everything, there is always SOMETHING wrong with me
- my eyebrows are so over grown right now that they are almost uni and i go out in public
- today i counted 8�.8 kitties; and
- yesterday in not so many words i told my doctor that i feel more comfortable getting brazilian waxes than i do getting a physical

- i watch Ellen every day, if i can�t watch it, i tape it
- i seriously want an Ellen themed Birthday Party for my 28th
- i will not stop swearing, i enjoy it
- i almost always dance with Ellen
- it is not uncommon for me to discover that my underpants are on inside out after i take my first pee that follows getting dressed
- i bought a shaker and have no idea how to make drinks
- i am a serious John Denver Fan, i saw him live at 3, Gordon Lightfoot was there too
- until the other day i did not know how to make a bed with a frame containing a HIGH see-threw footboard
- had i of known how much extra time it takes to make the bed i would of said fuck this and gotten a different frame
- last night Adam and i ate half of a McCain Deep and Delicious cake, today all i have eaten is the rest of it
- today my bra is on completely twisted and i have not fixed it
- i have been slacking on my �house-wife extraordinaire� duties
- i ended up really regretting eating that much cake; within 20 minutes i had what i will call an explosion out the back
- i stopped wearing deodorant last Friday, i can’t stop smelling my arm pits

I totally bombed dinner last night, who fucking knows what I was trying to make for someone who specializes in Mac and Cheese and Spaghetti. I made boiled veggies in margarine which were fine, but I totally destroyed the mashed pataatoos and royally fucked the vegetable tempura I some how thought I could make with no deep fryer ! I took two bites. Adam ate it, bless his heart and he still said it was fab !! (bad liar), but how sweet.

I will only eat vegetables with cheese melted on them. I don’t make a cheese sauce I either buy it or I put some cheese whiz in the microwave. Tonight I am making spaghetti.