Every time I would go to the drug store they were sold out of �Tide to Go� instant stain remover pens and I was mad because they had them at the dollar stores around my area but they were MORE there and never sold out. Bastards. Yesterday or I don�t know a day this week I finally got my �Tide to Go� instant stain remover pen it is in my purse with my Purell Hand Sanitizer that I know is bad for me �cause it kills the good germs too blah blah fucking blah but some where down the line I became a proud soccer mom to no children. Not only was the �Tide to Go� instant stain remover pen there it was on SALE. I almost fell to my knees and praised Jesus right there.

I�m going to have issues with the Purell which I actually call DURELL and now the �Tide to Go� instant stain remover pen [seriously WHO NEEDS Kelly Ripa they have ME now] having to be PACKED and not in my purse but whatever they can deal with my mental break down over not being able to touch my chair or if one of the flight attendants touches me thinking I�ll catch SARS or at least coodies, that is their problem now. I�m an ex travel agent I can take it, I can do it. I think I may stop admitting that soon though I don�t travel well.

FUCK Ellen and The View for premiering next week while I�m gone YES our room has TWO tv�s but as raymi would put it I�m sure we�ll be too busy hugging. The View I can handle missing I miss it when I work which I do now incase anyone was wondering I�m a Production Assistant on ��. a show I have worked on a couple now actually, it is cool, really long hours though and when I�m working I�m WORKING there is no computers anywhere near me. Which is also why I may have dropped off your stats or comments a little, sorry that is like so the having to help earn a livings fault. ELLEN on the other hand the VCR was set to tape for me. Up till ELLEN I had never in my life taped any show on a daily basis ever and honestly thought it was totally for freaks and thought I would never be �one of those people� but I am now so whatever I fucking tape Ellen only problem the stupid remote melted or some shit and the VCR won�t SET anymore so I�m going to have to put a post it note on the tv to remind me on days I�m working. Now that is love, we already know I�m crazy.

I am leaving on a jet plane today to go up North. While there I will be as mentioned having my dress fitted but also altered and then fitted again to make sure it fits for real.
I’m worried my shoes are totally lame and stupid and my ‘vision’ will be destroyed and I will have to buy new shoes. I’m nervous I haven’t seen ‘it’ since January.

As some of you already know and for those who don’t my parents are in the bushes the sticks the boonies. They are on dial up. Ewwww. But bushes means fun. I’m going to a barn dance at Haiko’s place on Saturday which should be just fantastic, I’m sure. My dad went on a canoe trip with Haiko and I guess Haiko thinks my dad tried to drown him or some shit like not for real just like he’d never been on a trip like THAT. On this trip Haiko lost MY PADDLE from when I was a KID from when we’d portage through the mountains and shit. I’m upset. I realize it was an accident but I plan to say look DUDE that MEANT something to me those are good memories all that middle O no where camping I did as a weeeee one. I expected to have that paddle for life. I was worried my Dad would be all NO you can’t pick on Haiko and I was all no worries like I’m not MAD MAD I’m disappointed and upset I KNOW he didn’t lose it on purpose I just think he should buy us an insanely awesome wedding gift or something but my dad said Haiko picks on HIM about supposedly trying to drown him so I can let him have it. Sweet. Just wait till I get drunk and make a total tool of myself.

Last time I went up it was January and I was on the OLD server with my host company and there was no getting on my site NOW I’m on the new fantastic server and apparently things are a little faster up there so it will be 50/50 as to whether I can post but normally fun Northern shit happens and Adam does guest posts when he doesn’t go with me, you can review former ones here and here .

I can’t remember what the name of my dad’s horse is, I THINK it is Bucky it changed a few times when he first got him but I don’t think that was so funny anymore after he broke all the ribs in January…hence my going up to plow the driveway and such. Even though it WAS NOT ‘Bucky’ who bucked him off and caused the broken ribs. I just emailed my dad the horses name is still Bucky.

THIS is ME at some young age, this horse died I can’t remember how to spell his name; I loved him a lot though. Riding a horse is not like riding a bike AT ALL, I feel TOTALLY odd on my dad’s horse and do generally opt for the ATV instead. I like to play with Bucky though I’m not afraid of hanging out with him just riding was something I did as a kid and haven’t really felt any desire for as an adult. I guess you could say I never really took to it but still love horses.
I also cheat on Gus with Bear. Bear sleeps with me and bites my chin. I will make buzznet videos my parents camera takes good video! And I hang out with this cool dog JJ.
I’ll be back on Monday. I will still be lurking around your blogs though; I may even get caught up on them!

Did I tell you that I was in the shower the other day and I shaved a whole leg before I realized I still had my glasses on? It was pretty sweet. When I leave them on after getting into bed and I’m not going to read and Adam gets that look on his face I know and I feel shame or lame or something and generally when I get in the shower wearing them the water on the lenses gives it away and I go for blind. I considered just leaving them on for the other leg and the vag touch ups but decided this was weird, even too weird for me.

Speaking of Vag. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much I like underwear, AKA PANTIES. I like wearing them even when I could go without them and no one would know ‘cept me. I know lots of people and know of lots of ladies who don’t cover their vag with panties but really as long as your vag and ass are covered at all times and never touch a surface I will touch then fine let your vag hang lose do it up. I have always wondered though- - does this mean you can only wear that pair of pants or jeans once? What if you have a heavier discharge day than normal and vag juice starts dripping down your leg and WORSE even still what about the butt sweat? What will be the first defence against the butt sweat coming through your outfit? I just find I have so many other things to obsess over the last thing I need to worry about is my vag sticking out or my vag getting super itchy from pant seams. I still can’t wear a lot of thongs yet unless they are super super comfortable because believe it or not I’m still having some MINOR complications from my ass surgery but they are ONLY minor when they are not acting up and sometimes I already have the damn thong on before I realize I’m having a bad ass day and by then it is toooooo late.

I like wearing just panties, I like that outfit a lot but drop the panties and it is normally for a crap, a shower, to play adult games, or to change them. I used to love to sleep naked but then I have nightmares about bed bugs in my vag bed bugs without the initials A B or C.

I got a hit off: do vaginas get sweaty?

YES they do! Sometimes they sweat because they are hot like say you are wearing non cotton panties and jeans that vag can get pretty hot in there even in cotton panties that baby can heat right on up on you. They should also if they work properly sweat during intercourse so if you are male and don’t like the sound of that I’d suggest finding yourself a cock to suck and just getting on with it.

Lyvvie sent me this today HAHAHAAH

[b]Reason number kagillion why I should not be allowed in any kitchen.[/b] This is the second pot I have ruined beyond what an S.O.S pad can handle in less than three months I wish I could give you the exact date that I ruined the other pot but I don’t remember I just know it was not that long ago because of how mad I got when I started to smell the burning.

And to THINK all I was trying to make was Kraft Dinner. Fuck.

Today I find myself at a level of hyper activeness that I’m sure makes mothers all over the world want to kill their children. I am presently very happy that I don’t live at home.

For the first time since my surgery my asshole is feeling legitimately better. Like it used to before attack of the rhoids began. I’m confident I am very close to again having a normal asshole.

I saw the surgeon last Thursday and got off the Tylenol 3’s and got something that won’t plug me up because Tylenol 3 is really more like candy when you think about it and who needs a plugged up ass after ass surgery- NOT me.

Yesterday while we were getting all excited and emotional [ok, I was getting emotional] that the world is now looking at OUR city as the host of the next winter Olympics ABC was like just wait till all the people coming here find out you can smoke pot.

I wonder how many scandals there will be with athletes whose drug tests are affected just from breathing the BC air?

I’ve always been an AVID, AVID supporter of legalize it NOW and tax the FUCK out of it. Would I pay for a pack of joints what a cigarette smoker pays, what it costs for a case of beer? FUCK YA.
Speaking of marijuana, last week I hobbled with what looked like carrots up my ass over to a favourite specialty store of mine and bought a new wallet. Said wallet fell apart and I was totally pissed off and returned it. I’ll still buy stuff there; it was one shitty wallet, you’ll be happy to know I’m not going to ban them. When I first bought the wallet the corner of my eye caught a clock for sale set to stay at 4:20. I BURST out laughing and was like DOES YOUR BOSS KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? The dude was like totally I totally told her, whilst dude ringing up my wallet is getting all uncomfortable and like so obviously doesn’t smoke the ganja. I couldn’t handle it, talk about balls. Only in Vancouver, seriously.

Back to my ass. Thanks to my blogging pre surgery, having ABC update you and then blogging after with GRANDIOSE descriptions and stories from the bath tub I was given the honour of Shitty Blog of the Month for February. I’m proud to be shitty!!
[if you are a shitty blog member who has not updated your link please do so or Jeckles is going to kick your ass out of the club YOU HEAR ME]

Dear Ellen,

RE: Little Snow

You would be hard pressed to find an episode of your show that I have not seen. Not only are you my favorite comedian, I admire you and your accomplishments greatly. I think you are one fantastic lady.

However, that is not why I am sending this email.

Last Christmas when Justin Timberlake came out of Big Gin I was so excited and so blown away that I may have even let out a little bit of pee. And then when you two danced together, it made it one of my favorite moments EVER.
All season I have wondered: What will Ellen do at Christmas? Who will Ellen have as ‘Big Gin’?
When I first saw Little Snow I announced to anyone and everyone who would listen that, there was simply no way in hell that Little Snow was not Snoop Dog.
Little Snow was tall he had bling.
Some jerks were like DUDE, it is Usher and I was like DUDE, Usher is not tall enough to be Little Snow, Snoop Dog is tall, AND he always has his bling. [not that Usher doesn�t always have his bling on too]
Ellen, until the finale of your ‘12 days of giveaways’ I have never been disappointed with anything about your show. EVER.
However, when the head of Sean Hayes came out of Little Snow, I felt almost betrayed. Whether I like Sean Hayes or not is simply irrelevant but I cannot keep this disappointment and sadness to myself, I need to express to you how disappointed I am that it was not Snoop Dog. All signs pointed to Snoop Dog.

BIG GIN = JusTIN TIMberlake
LITTLE SNOW = SNOop Dog = LIL Bow Wow�s Uncle

This will not stop me from watching your show and dancing with you everyday from my living room in [HUGE SHOUT OUT] VANCOUVER, CANADA but I really thought you should know how I feel.

Your Most Loyal Fan,
Corinna Liscumb

**for some stupid reason this email will not go through on the site, so i have had to mail it to her the old fashioned way**

if i could, i would transfer my entire players most current song list which is called ‘grappledons list’ over but it is over 4 hours long so i will just go with the ones that:

make me do crazy on the spot couch dancing and/or couch air gi-tar. (couch air gi-tar is MUCH safer in that i can lean into the cushions)
my stand up combo of napoleon dynamite/ellen degeneres moves (which they both stole FROM ME) some moves in this category have also been labelled as my tourettes moves. i was pretty shocked when they were stolen.
the standing give it all i have air gi-tar. (only recommended for experts and those who are not afraid of the bruises that you will acquire falling and/or crashing into things)
and; songs that i feel in every part and pore of my body.
all of the above is most generally accompanied by singing filled with gusto and passion and words that may or may not be the original lyrics.

KISS: i was made for loving you
Alicia Keys: rock wit you, never felt this way (interlude)
Bonnie Raitt: not the only one
The Darkness: givin’ up, love on the rocks with no ice, get your hands off my woman, i believe in a thing called love
Paul Simon” 50 ways to leave your lover (also known as Gus’s song)
Red Hot Chili Peppers: blood sugar sex magik
Neil Diamond - cherry cherry, kentucky woman, cracklin rose
Simon and Garfunkle: kathy’s song
Justin Timberlake: rock your body (shut it)
Marvin Gaye: when did you stop loving me, when did i stop loving you
Robert Palmer: looking for clues
O’jays: time to get down
Primus with Ozzy Osborne: N.I.B.
The Vogues: 5 O’clock World (and just a little fyi here the first line sounds WAY cooler if you sing it as: up every morning just to keep a job i gotta fight my way to the hustler bar)
Fiona Apple: extraordinary machine, red red red, o’sailor
Beck: lost cause
Bob Dylan: positively 4th street
Stevie Wonder: sign sealed delivered i’m yours

ok that will do, i am just going with songs that cause the above at this time. some songs have been on ‘grappledons list’ for a while - i just love the name of the list and am having issues building a new one because of this. and although i still love the rest of the songs on ‘grappledons list’, i do much tamer dancing and much tamer air gi-tar when they come on. the above songs could cause me to injure myself rocking out to them at any time. except maybe kathy’s song that has been a favourite since i was a kid that one i feel in every part and pore.

while my heart is going out to all the victims of Katrina. it also explodes with grief over all the families who lose their pets and all of the animals who suffer and are sometimes forgotten in the mass hysteria.

please take a look at Noah’s Wish this is an organization i heard of on the ellen degeneres show of all places. i think i can safely assume she will be raising money for them again when he show starts on the 6th.

please don’t forget about the animals,they need us too!