Last July I wrote on some of the new measures that Adam and I are taking to make the world that we live in a better place and also trying to do our part for the environment.

Since then we’ve added things such as a reusable coffee filter [we both drink a lot of coffee and it is Adam’s fault I never drank as much till I met him] we’ve almost cleared the apartment of *almost* all plastic bags, which is not even close to as easy as it sounds and we’ve added reusable bags. There are people in the West End that recognize and point and give us a smile when we forget our bags and can be seen booting it home with our arms filled. It has happened to us both more than once.

One of my very favourite places to give my money to has always been to the WWF - World Wildlife Fund - I used to adopt animals for people as gifts on a very regular basis, you can also adopt forests, oceans and the arctic now. They have even more animals to adopt than they did when I used to do it, I may get back on that. I want a ‘Hotter than I should be’ organic t-shirt.

This will be the first year of hopefully many, that Adam I will participate in Earth Hour. Between 8 and 9pm this Saturday night, March 29, we will be in the dark with hopefully a massive load of people in the city and around the world. As per their website:

On March 29, 2008, cities across Canada, and around the world will turn off their lights for Earth Hour, a WWF event to raise awareness about climate change and symbolize that, working together the people of the world can make a difference in the fight against climate change.

Earth Hour has grown from a single event in Sydney, Australia in 2007 to a global phenomenon that will occur across six continents and in as many as 20 cities in 2008.

Toronto was the flagship Canadian city to commemorate Earth Hour 2008 but dozens of others including Ottawa, Vancouver and Montreal have already joined!

Our goal is to get thousands of businesses and individuals to participate in this historic event, so we can show the nation and the world that Canadians are leaders in addressing climate change, one of the most critical issues facing our world today.

I’ve been pretty excited about this since hearing about it. I have NO idea what we’ll do in the dark for an hour [I sense there will be some Earth Hour babies being made] but I am sure we will find something or maybe we will invite some people over for some good in the dark conversation.

If you’d like to participate you can either just DO IT or sign up on the WWF website.

If you’d like to do more, ‘The Good Life‘ is a new kick ass campaign/challenge you can also sign up for right on the WWF site and it will guide you through more and more ways to help save the planet basically handing you simple actions to not only help the Earth but to help you feel like you ARE making a difference and to make “Every Hour Earth Hour”.

I encourage you to click on the provided links and participate in this great cause. There is also a jam packed group on Facebook of participants you can also join in there.

If last year ONE CITY was able to accomplish what the quote provided below describes, I can’t wait to see what the rest of us can add:

Created to take a stand against the greatest threat our planet has ever faced, Earth Hour uses the simple action of turning off the lights for one hour to deliver a powerful message about the need for action on global warming.

About Earth Hour On March 31 2007, for one hour, Sydney made a powerful statement about the greatest contributor to global warming - coal-fired electricity - by turning off its lights. Over 2.2 million Sydney residents and over 2,100 businesses switched off, leading to a 10.2% energy reduction across the city. What began as one city taking a stand against global warming caught the attention of the world.

In 2008, 24 global cities will participate in Earth Hour at 8pm on March 29. Earth Hour is the highlight of a major campaign to encourage businesses, communities and individuals to take the simple steps needed to cut their emissions on an ongoing basis. It is about simple changes that will collectively make a difference - from businesses turning off their lights when their offices are empty, to households turning off appliances rather than leaving them on standby.

Guest Post by Adam

im back from the hospital and still numb. i became desensitized to death as a kid, i remember 11 years old and my dad coming into my bedroom to tell me my mom had finally died and not crying. i knew it was coming, i had bawled a few times after seeing her with the morphine drip, she not wanting us to be sad. my dad cried, he held me, we were all shocked and in pain, but i wanted to be strong like she said, not knowing what else to do. i know i lost something that day, something that makes people normal and emotionally developed. it wasnt a conscious decision, my mind made it for me. i was protecting myself. it didnt make me hard, it just made me different. so now am i being strong sitting here still not crying, trying to stay moving? i dont think corinna wants to die, and for now, she wont. but her mind will not stop serving her pain, and as anyone who was abused by a parent can attest, the emotional kind is far more painful. she feels different like me i know that, and that difference makes communicating difficult and increases any feelings of isolation. its so hard to guess at what you think you want, what might make you happier, when you dont know what any of that happiness is made of. nobody swallows pills and wine to hurt anyone but themselves. it is not an aggressive action, it is not aimed at any target, it is a frustrated action, it comes from anguish. prolonged pain makes us feel like we deserve it, that it defines our lives. i only wish i could feel more and have her feel less, because she deserves a break from the restlessness and breath it takes. nobody needs to understand this, i dont, she doesnt, but its there. and if you dont feel comfortable being so close to something that so often looks evil, if you cant get past it, then dont bother asking yourself why this little blond girl sleeping at st pauls with an iv drip in her arm is so scary. you wont get it. its not about answers. its about remembering that you are human. and alive. i love you all anyways. even the shitheads. we all hurt people, get hurt, lose people and die. simple.

this post is brought to you by david bowie and jonathan richman. i dont know what the right thing to do is either. if you love her, be yourself and keep doing that. everything will follow.

During Vancouver’s most extreme rainy season, some people here call it winter, I do not walk over to my Shrink’s office - I take cabs. It is a little luxury I take the liberty of indulging in.

I’m well aware of the series ‘Vancouver’s Cab Crisis CTV News Investigates‘. BUT I have not watched, read or listened to any of their coverage, because a pretty good while before I saw it previewed as an upcoming News Investigation [other than it just being a space filler mentioned from time to time] I had already started an investigation of my own. It wasn’t that I ever had the intention of making any kind of relevant story out of it, I was just curious because I have always been a bit of a bus snob and it has only gotten worse with the city COVERED in construction for the 2010 Olympics, and thus I noticed the decline of anything even remotely resembling service rather quickly.

I started to notice it around Christmas so no one would even listen to me because it was Christmas and all I’d get was, ‘it is Christmas there are never any cabs’ and I would be like NO this is different you can feel it in the air something is wrong out there. I probably didn’t defend my claims exactly like that but I KNEW I WAS RIGHT!

Taking a cab is supposed to be somewhat relaxing and out of nowhere not only could I not find a cab and was almost late for therapy numerous times and had to wait up to thirty-five minutes outside a popular hotel for a cab home, I noticed that once I was in the cab the drivers suddenly started to act as if they had no idea how to drive around the city. To a resident it became crystal clear that due to everyone who lives in Metro-Vancouver knowing full well that what is known as the Cambie Bridge is OFF LIMITS - until if we are lucky 2010 and don’t forget that it is thanks to YOUR grandchildrens’ tax dollars - and that drivers were facilitating a mad conspiracy to screw us all.

So ok I will give you that getting in a cab and having to give EXACT street by street directions is not that bad, is not too much to ask, and obviously I had been taking it a tad for granted that everyone here is just so damn nice. Sure. Since last December I have seen more cabs drive right past my MAN HANDS WAVING than I have actually flagged since 1996 it makes me sick and I fear for us all in 2010 if cab drivers are treating us residents this poorly.

I started to ask the ones who didn’t dick me around and actually make ME explain WHY they shouldn’t take Cambie questions about what was going on in the city. For a while I was happy buying that due to the entire province needing workers that they were just short; but what wasn’t working for me was the excessive out of the way trips drivers were taking to get places, and I was letting them know. Sometimes I forget to give my route because I’m distracted or busy arguing with them about where the traffic is when I KNOW DAMN WELL THEY KNOW!!!! [Ps. I used to work directly with courier call centers FOR YEARS.] I would just give up and say go which ever way is fastest which means they take Cambie and before I realize and can do anything about it I’m already pretty much swearing at them.

The anger I had begun to feel just getting in a cab came to a peak of sorts when on the way home from my Shrink’s office recently with Adam in the cab, and on our dime the driver stopped his car, rolled down his window and started YELLING at people who had managed to flag a cab down town from the suburb of Langley - he YELLED don’t pay him he is out of his zone!!!!!! And the driver went into an elaborate speech about how the suburb cab companies were stealing their business. REALLY? Are they?

Sorry but I’d still pay the guy whether he is out of zone, area, whatever you want to call it cause guess what ass face HE STOPPED! This is when I thought hmmm maybe I should post on this.

Yesterday it hit the fan like a bird getting stuck in a jet engine there were feathers EVERYWHERE!

I get in, we argue over traffic and it is raining and I am EXTREMELY grumpy and ready for my session. I missed the street I should have asked him to turn down and it was too late. I began making comments, “I can’t believe you actually took Cambie in the rain”, “this ride costs me twelve dollars every Friday you’d better hope for no traffic”.

DEAD STOP. GRID LOCK!

By this time my anger is boiling, fiery red blood is about to spew all over him and burn him a new asshole. I consider calling Adam and just venting very loudly over how mad I am. But I was in a rage so I decided FUCK THIS I’m getting out. The meter was at $9.75 and we were not even half way across.

“I’m giving you a twenty right now, give me a ten I’m getting out.”

He of course doesn’t seem to like this but I insist knowing I have to get out before his car reaches a certain point or I stand more than a chance of dooring a cyclist, to say the very least.

We exchange the money; I look right at him and say “I REFUSE TO SIT HERE IN TRAFFIC!”, get out, slam the door, hop over the separator to the walk path, quickly becoming thankful the rain had stopped and instantly phone Adam and burst forth like a tempest my story of VICTORY and empowerment over a cab driver and hoofed it the rest of the way JUST making it on time.

I ended my conversation with Adam by saying the ONLY way things are going to change in this city in regards to cabs is if people start jumping out of them. See if any cab driver dicks me around after THAT. I have the balls.

A while back a fellow blogger did a post that mentioned the episode of Oprah where she discussed open marriages NOT the Mormon religion or polygamy and how it is depicted on HBO’s Big Love [that I am aware of because I didn’t watch it] but ‘open marriage’ was a topic.

I myself am not down with open marriages I think most fail over time and if you or your spouse want to be fucking each other and other people I’d venture a guess there is something deeper happening there and that something pretty big is missing from the relationship but I’m not a shrink just observant and I don’t know I guess I just think ahead.

But my problem is not with ‘open marriages’ to each their own I don’t really care. My problem is I read the comments on this post and someone who can choose to identify themselves in the comments or ask to be linked back to or what have you basically set my blood on fire by writing:

“The true commitment in life is having children with another person.
The marriage is/can be an important precursor, but it is definately not bound by forever the way having children is”.

[I’ve intentionally left the spelling error and want to say here NOTHING has EVER pissed me off this bad in my almost three years of blogging that I now feel the need to do a whole post on it]

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Why don’t you just say I’m not a fucking woman while you are at it because I have NEVER wanted kids and my husband doesn’t want children either? In fact I can’t stand most children and if you pay ANY attention to the census taken in this country you’ll know that THANKS to people like me our population is starting to settle out. I would MUCH rather have a form of population control in the country I live in based on EDUCATED decisions by people to or not to have babies, not assholes who can’t even afford them or some stupid slut who gets knocked up because she thinks it’ll be fun to have a baby but is seriously unfit to even have a child. I’m thankful I live in a country where there is a CHOICE, not in a third world or over populated country where war, AIDS and genocide which can result from war, or having to murder baby girls that are maybe not openly admitted to but ARE forms of population control. That comment is also more than disrespectful to women who can not have children, one of those being a very close friend of mine.

Our marriage is a ‘precursor’ to our life together a life that will include a shit load of SUPER cool adventures that people with kids just can’t go on or do without pissing their kids off they have to wait until their kids have moved out of the house and then *a lot* of marriages fall apart finding out you have nothing in common anymore anyway so you get divorced. Funny how that works.

I am SO sick of the comments the looks the EVERYTHING when people find out you’re married and not having kids. Whatever we get to sleep. I pity people who make ignorant comments like that to my face.

Photo credit: Keira on Flickr

Last night courtesy of Rebecca and the Rio Theatre, Keira and I got to enjoy a free midnight showing of Rush Hour 3. Except for the part where the three single obnoxious jerks sat down next to the three seemingly single ladies and preceded to make ‘noises’ every single time there was a woman on the screen, the movie was pretty much exactly what you would expect from a third installment, being that in reality you shouldn’t be expecting anything from a third installment of any movie.[I have one gripe about it that I will address likely in the next paragraph or two]. Fortunately the Rio’s very gracious and extremely friendly owner Mike gave us a behind the scenes tour before the box office opened because the man one seat down from me was incredibly obnoxious during the pre-commercial-free-movie spiel.

Back in the late 90’s when I shared my residence with mice and slugs I lived a mere ten to fifteen minute walk from what is now thanks to Mike a restored, yet modernized, version of the original theatre built in 1938, a classic photo from the theatres past hangs in direct eye sight when you walk inside, a bright red curtain hangs over the one and only screen and it has a balcony. I used to always wonder about that theatre whenever I would walk by it. It was extremely dilapidated and ran shows on a very sporadic basis, but I could tell it was ‘cool old’, history old, because of its signage and character that was still evident through the mess of garbage and scattering of posters.

My gripe, [NOT a spoiler] although I realize this is Rush Hour 3 here and not a movie of cinematic brilliance and nor is that expected of this movie, like any other person on the planet there are things that erk me and get under my skin and one of those things is the destruction or disrespect to basically any countries flag. I was even born on America’s flag day, no I am not American but their rules for proper display and use are very similar to ours. I was raised on a mix of the two due to my years of involvement with Scouts Canada/Girl Guides of Canada.

* Random Tangent*

Although I enjoyed my years in Scouting, even the embarrassing years of it being seriously uncool, I have never agreed with their politics on homosexuals and find their views ancient and quite frankly disgusting. I have also always been in HUGE disagreement with the decision to allow girls into ‘Scouts Canada’. Originally there was three levels one for girls and one for boys and then at the fourth level it goes co-ed. This is how it should have always remained and it still angers me greatly even though I have no involvement anymore that this was allowed and actually became policy in 1998. It is does not seem fair to me that girls have the option to join Brownies and be with all girls or join Beavers and be with boys and girls from the get go. What about the BOYS. It was started with BOYS for BOYS in 1908 the Girl Guides started in 1910. My point, start a separate sect so the boys have the same choices as the girls.

*Tangent End*

A scene in the movie between five and ten minutes in length completely destroys a French flag. I find it odd that a country that has such strict laws in regards to the treatment of its flag would be so quick to idiotically destroy and disrespect one for a scene that was already gravely lacking in humor. As soon as we left the theatre and started sharing opinions on the movie I mentioned my disgust and was actually shocked that they both agreed with me [to the extent we talked about it at that time] because it is not something that comes up in many conversations and Adam also thinks it is silliness and pretty much laughs at me when I freak out over misuse and handling of flags which I have done numerous times over the course of our relationship. For one I was taught that it is to never touch the ground. I can see how something simply made from a piece of cloth could have its significance lost on some and being something that you wouldn’t really think about or care too much about, but tradition that is not wrapped in religion is rare these days and so I respect my flag and the flag of every other nation because if Canada were to ever fall, her flag and all of its symbolism, and history would go with her and I find that rather sad.

If you are interested in the Flag Etiquette for Canada the information is here, for the United States and links to other countries the information is here.

This photo was taken last July, says my flickr. There was less than two months to go until our wedding, and I was stressed. I would venture a guess that I weighed around 112ish. I know when I went home for my dress fitting almost a month to the day of this photo I was worried that my dress would be to big but I weighed myself at my parents place and found that I wasn’t as skeletor as I thought I was. I was eating like mad around this time as well because I was afraid of my dress literally falling off at the wedding. When I had been measured for it, it was January 2006 and I was carrying some winter weight and did not see it again until the beginning of August when I was stressed to the absolute max and thin like my early 20’s thin, or in a major depression thin.

This is September 2006, I remember knowing I was underweight but being pretty happy with my body for 29, the wedding was over my dress did not fall off, it had fit perfectly. I ended up getting really sick when we returned from Mexico and also fell into a seriously bad black hole of depression. Winter came and I packed away the bathing suits and settled into marriage. Even though I was depressed which means I would normally be losing weight due to anxiety, I didn’t have a lot of anxiety I was just horribly depressed and doing absolutely nothing that didn’t involve the couch. I was basically leaving the house once a week for my shrink sessions and that was about it. And before I knew it I weighed 130 pounds.

This was taken yesterday. To be honest my second time in a bikini this year as I had gone to tan the day before with a girlfriend for a bit, but got better photos yesterday. In June I wrote this post on some of my feelings on my weight and the great weight debate in general and was in a space were I did not feel attractive AT ALL. I started to run and work out on the ball in my apartment, I expressed in the post that I was dreading putting on a bikini this year. Last month I did an interview for Eating Disorder Talk and mentioned I felt I needed to lose another five to ten pounds. Seeing this photo I realize that Adam was right, I was seeing a deluded image in the mirror. I do not in fact need to lose any weight. Yes, I need some toning but I look a lot better than I thought I did. For 30 I’m pretty happy actually. I did manage to sneak in a weighing of myself last week at a friends place and I’m around 125lbs so technically I’m still underweight for my height and age. I’m going to stop complaining about my body now because I’ve likely been driving Adam insane. But your eyes play tricks on you; the camera pressed up into a mirror doesn’t lie. Unless I’m in a state where I am not mentally healthy I don’t really want to look like I did in my early to middle twenties anymore. I would still like to get rid of my millions of chins and have bigger boobs but those are just dreams.

Back in late 1999 and early 2000 the roommate I was living with was huge on recycling, I at the time did not give a shit about recycling and would only recycle things when she was around and I’d ask if everything was recyclable in a mocking way, even if I already knew because I found it all rather silly. How ignorant I can be.

I can’t remember now when I started to recycle but I do as much as I can and she has become jaded and doesn’t.

For me, recycling has become a bit of an obsession, mind you a good one. I like to keep the How to Set Out Your Recyclables page handy off of the City of Vancouver website. Yes, I am nerdalicious and I love it. I get extremely pissed off and rant about anything that does not have clear recycling instructions on it, there is no excuse for that in my opinion in today’s day and age. I also think that apartment recycling and recycling from your home should be the same so things we don’t have bins for I recycle anyway because I know the guy that lives across the street in a HOUSE gets to so why oh why can’t I?

Recently Adam and I have added new measures to being people who are good to the Earth. I used to be really bad about leaving the water on when I brushed my teeth. I turn the water off now. Adam used to only use cloth hankies at work, now he uses them at home as well. I still use a tissue I can’t blow my nose into something as many times as a hankie should be good for. I am much more conscious of how long I’m in the shower for. And then one day I was in the kitchen and glanced down at the extension cord that contained, the microwave, the coffee pot, the grill and the toaster oven. I unplugged everything and when Adam got home I told him we were going power friendly we would be unplugging the entire kitchen when not in use and we would also unplug the power bar connected to the computer when the computer was off. We still leave the fan on almost constantly and haven’t gotten into turning off the power bar that runs the t.v stuff yet but I am sure that is coming.

It has been an adjustment but one that makes me feel good about myself when I remember to do all of the new things we are doing. I find it rather fun. Since I started recycling I have found it fun, although I don’t know why I find it ‘fun’ to be exact. Since we have started implementing the changes I have found myself almost sickened at how much power we were draining just out of our tiny kitchen, I can’t believe how much there is to leave unplugged. I still have a bad habit of leaving the t.v with the mute button on when I’m home alone but not watching it, I find it to be comforting, I picked the habit up from my dad, why he leaves his on I don’t know. I’m working on not doing that as well. Some things are easier than others, the t.v is on mute right now and I am not watching it.

…. ok you talked me into it… I’ll go play Guitar Hero Encore Rocks the 80s edition right now then so at least I’m using it.

I was almost late leaving on the journey to my CT Scan destination at UBC Hospital, the same hospital that I had my infamous ass surgery at because I was playing with the ILike application on Facebook. I was catching a cab with my friend Stephanie from her place so I had to go there first. I had to pee really bad when I got there because I had been required to drink a litre of water about an hour and a half before, plus it is HOT here right now so drinking extra water is necessary I couldn’t eat but that was no big deal because who has an appetite in the heat? Not me. We got into a cab with air conditioning and Stephanie talked to the cab driver. She is friendlier than me.

The horrid memories of my ass surgery came rushing back to me because I went in the same entrance but once inside I went in a totally different direction. At the radiology area there were a crap load of people sitting there and I got pretty concerned and almost stressed out that we were going to be there all day and here was Stephanie bringing me there and back in a cab I SO did not want her sitting there forever. Thankfully we were sent down the hall and there was an In Touch magazine there and even though it was from October 2006 none of the gossip is true anyway so it is LIKE new when you have never seen the issue no matter how old anyway. You could see the CT scanner from where we were sitting and everyone getting scans was old.

Right after I took another pee I was taken into an area to get an IV. I really do not like IVs, not at all. But I never saw the needle, this was definitely a bonus. I ask as I always do when they go for my left arm if it is OK that I am left handed because of COURSE the whole room is set up to only put IVs in left arms. Because my luck never fails me I got the nurse, brand new at the hospital, who did know how to put in IVs but she was still being shown where everything was and ‘how they do it’ at UBC Hospital, as I listen to them discuss how it works THERE I am inserted with the IV. Big prick. Little sting. Comments on my tattoo. At first it is just a saline drip, I’m taken right in and lay on the table under the scanner, they put pads on either side of my head but my head was too small to keep in place so they strapped it in and I suddenly felt like I was in A Clockwork Orange but not really just sort of. The first few scans were contrast injection [iodine] free. I tried really hard not to move and didn’t get itchy anywhere and stared up into the massive machine spinning above me until I thought I might get dizzy. When they inject the iodine they come back in and hold your arm to make sure it is going in properly and they give you the warning that you will likely feel heat start at the back of the throat and find its way down the body into the crotch area where it again will feel HOT and MAY feel like you are peeing yourself. Awesome.

There is no warning for what that feels like I sure don’t remember having fire crotch from my scan in 1994 in fact in 1994 I had to hold the tube with iodine in it in my hand with the IV in my arm AND not move so at least the process has come a ways or it may just be that I had that CT scan in Terrace we will never know. The fire crotch was a high point because you really can’t help but laugh, I mean I was laying there flexing my kegels like mad JUST to make sure I was not peeing myself but there was no pleasure it was flat out FIRE CROTCH.

I had to sit with my IV for about ten minutes because the iodine dehydrates you and then I got a band aid on my owie from the IV needle and we went on our way. We had the same cab driver on the way back. And I gotta say thanks again to Stephanie because for a hospital visit and fire crotch in already 30 degree weather it was a pretty damn fun day!

On Saturday morning an invitation came in on Facebook for my girlfriend Bonny’s birthday. Every year we have our birthdays two days apart. I generally go out for her birthday. But this year I realized I had nothing to wear. But not only did I have nothing to wear nothing I own fits so I couldn’t even pretend to pull off an outfit and I also did not want to wear what I am going to wear for my birthday which will still fit because it was a bit big before.

Having issues with fit is nothing new to me. But in the last seven or so years I have gone from being a size zero and weighing between 100 and 108 lbs to now weighing close to 130 lbs. Due to the stress brought on by our wedding I was very small again when we got married, around 115 lbs. Since the wedding I have gone through A LOT of mental shit but in a lot of ways am feeling comfortable in my life like never before and also being on three medications for depression I’ve put on close to another 15 lbs. Basically when I would fluctuate back and forth between too thin and 115 lbs I could make my closet work there was a enough variety. But now that I have passed 120 lbs other than t-shirts and my size medium underwear nothing fits. This would be perfect if only underwear were considered short shorts and it was a tiny bit warmer here year round. I have been living in yoga pants and track pants, they stretch.

I really don’t give a shit what size you are when your body starts to change in a not so sexy way in your opinion or you put on weight it is hard to stomach and I’m having a lot of trouble looking at my body in the mirror and not saying horrid things about it. When I was a youngin’ I was picked on CONSTANTLY for being ‘too thin’. I was called every name in the book. I had no tits, I somehow always had a butt on me though. But kids are relentless and I almost got beat up once for saying that my jeans would fit some girl because they were size six and huge on me because big baggy pants were in and I just meant they’d fit her, she thought I was calling her fat and sent a posse of fists out after me. I have spent my life mostly choosing to stay out of weight conversations unless they are one on one because being the ‘thin’ one no matter what you say, it is wrong. I have never understood why people used to always feel comfortable spewing out “you are so thin”, “you are so skinny” and thinking it was a compliment. I’m sorry but this is NO different than walking up to someone who is fat and saying “oh my god, you are so fat!” I would never do that so don’t fucking comment on my weight. Although I have never been anorexic or bulimic, you don’t know me you have no idea what sort of keeping weight on issues I might have nor do I know if you have some kind of problems keeping you fat. Being too thin even without the stereotypical things people assume when they see you is JUST as unhealthy as being over weight, there are many other reasons a person on the thin side could have problems keeping weight on if they want to which there always were with me. The intensity of my anxiety can cause me to drop 10 lbs in a week. NOT HEALTHY.

Now, to be honest until recently I was very arrogant about my body and used to think it was pretty hot, as I was told it was many ‘good’ things once I hit my twenty’s, I’d go so far as to say there was no way I would ever lose my natural six pack even when I wasn’t working out. I was always well aware of when I was too thin due to my depression though, it was still a double edged sword. When I was too thin and I knew it was due to depression and people made comments about it, I played it off, knowing there was nothing I could do, but it made me feel like shit, on display, singled out and disliked JUST because I was thin. When I was eating two burgers a day and receiving the same comments and knew I wasn’t too thin it still made me feel like shit but I flaunted it to hide my insecurities because when you are viewed as a ‘hot body’ by males and ‘too thin’ by women and not a whole person for a large portion of your life your self perception gets warped and your values in relation to why people like you became shaded and you can get lost in offering yourself to people in ways you never normally would just to be accepted.

Because I have been feeling so negative about my shape and flabby belly and thigh skin I have started to work out and run again but running is at the mercy of my knee. This is the first year in my life I am dreading putting on a bathing suit.

Due to having one pair of jeans I can wear, but are still too tight in the waist, I thought there would be SOMETHING to wear ‘out’ but after trying on pairs of pants after pairs of pants and just NOTHING fitting, I was feeling worse and worse, I started crying, Adam gave me a hug. But then I dug into a bag of clothes where I knew there was a pair of pants that I bought when I was little miss corporate girl and got them a size too big and tried them on, they’re a size 6 and were still too small but they would do. I had to take them in for emergency same day hemming. Now for a shirt. Again nothing, everything I used to wear out was too short too tight or too bar star for my age. It was raining harder than cats and dogs but we hoofed it to The Bay after tearing the closet completly apart and found a kick ass shirt I love. I don’t feel any better about my body, but I had a good evening and my shirt looked sweet.

I obviously have to learn to accept my new size which I KNOW when I am in my rational mind is not fat but disliking my body is new to me, and having a closet and dresser FULL of clothes that don’t fit, I just don’t care what size you are it is depressing.

Ever since I got married I have become even more of a recluse and even more unreliable when it comes to making plans and things in my everyday life. I used to be a really reliable person and am still always there if someone needs me needs me but as far as seeing and spending time with my friends my world is almost strictly on-line and even there I am lacking in email responses and sending emails period and etc. I never answer my phone anyway so that doesn’t count I don’t even know why because I used to love the phone I talked on it endlessly then I had a job where people swore at me on the phone and yelled at me and since then I have wanted nothing to do with it and my friends do not normally call to yell and swear at me so it must be related to my antisocial ness and that is also an excuse. People who have known me a long time know I mean nothing by it but it frustrates them none the less. I have never been the type of person who wants to talk to anyone EVERY day. Cept for Adam. I have a really hard time with close interpersonal relationships so I don’t see a problem going a few days weeks or months with little or no contact. The narcissist in me just expects people to get that. I tend to let people down a lot and cancel at the last minute but at the time I make the plans I honestly believe I can and will participate in them and then as the date quickly approaches I come up sometimes legitimate excuses to miss whatever it is or sometimes I just don’t go because I feel I physically can’t and lets face it I am just a canceler. I am never surprised when people cancel on me and generally expect it due to my behavior and wonder why people put up with me.

See, I don’t like going to other peoples places because of my social anxiety and my OCD issues. I can hide both I just get sick of it. And during the week I HATE having people come over because I like to go to bed [very] early and feel rude. On weekends I don’t mind but I am a very crap hostess and generally forget to even offer my friends water when they come over and sometimes I feel anxious when I start to get tired and want people to leave, I believe that must be common feeling though, not knowing how to get people the hell out of your home when you are DONE hostessesssing. In my [i]personal[/i] life you could say I have a problem leaving my house at times but I’ve starting writing lists and they really help me get the hell out of here. I checked off almost all of today’s things and moved some to tomorrow.

I like to be a hermit but it has made me become a little flakey, and I really never used to be a flakey, brush you off kind of person unless I hate you but I think it is also getting married related. I lived alone for a very long time with a cat before settling down and being an only child I have never minded being alone unless I had just been dumped and was suffering a broken heart. It makes being a good friend hard though sometimes and I feel genuinely bad about that a lot more than my friends probably realize about the canceling all the time and etc, but I am FULL of excuses. If my friends lives were in constant crisis I’d be the best friend ever because I am a very good problem solver / advice giver. (WHEN ASKED or NEEDED)

I am very selfish as you can see by the above but we sometimes become what we learn growing up and I was very alone growing up and hated it and now as an adult I love it and am going through the realization that now I will never be alone because Adam promised me HE WILL NEVER DIE and so I feel stuck. Not stuck with him just stuck trying to start my new path as Mrs. Carlson who doesn’t have to be hermitty like Ms. Liscumb but so far I just want to stay in and be married and play Guitar Hero and it is nothing personal and friends in my life who suffer from depression also do this avoidance shit to me too and I get mad and then I remember I do it to them so isn’t that proof that it isn’t personal? It would just be a lot more fun if I didn’t feel guilty about it because the novelty is not wearing off but it gets really lonely too.

This post has been brought to you by the word GUILT.