I was almost late leaving on the journey to my CT Scan destination at UBC Hospital, the same hospital that I had my infamous ass surgery at because I was playing with the ILike application on Facebook. I was catching a cab with my friend Stephanie from her place so I had to go there first. I had to pee really bad when I got there because I had been required to drink a litre of water about an hour and a half before, plus it is HOT here right now so drinking extra water is necessary I couldn’t eat but that was no big deal because who has an appetite in the heat? Not me. We got into a cab with air conditioning and Stephanie talked to the cab driver. She is friendlier than me.

The horrid memories of my ass surgery came rushing back to me because I went in the same entrance but once inside I went in a totally different direction. At the radiology area there were a crap load of people sitting there and I got pretty concerned and almost stressed out that we were going to be there all day and here was Stephanie bringing me there and back in a cab I SO did not want her sitting there forever. Thankfully we were sent down the hall and there was an In Touch magazine there and even though it was from October 2006 none of the gossip is true anyway so it is LIKE new when you have never seen the issue no matter how old anyway. You could see the CT scanner from where we were sitting and everyone getting scans was old.

Right after I took another pee I was taken into an area to get an IV. I really do not like IVs, not at all. But I never saw the needle, this was definitely a bonus. I ask as I always do when they go for my left arm if it is OK that I am left handed because of COURSE the whole room is set up to only put IVs in left arms. Because my luck never fails me I got the nurse, brand new at the hospital, who did know how to put in IVs but she was still being shown where everything was and ‘how they do it’ at UBC Hospital, as I listen to them discuss how it works THERE I am inserted with the IV. Big prick. Little sting. Comments on my tattoo. At first it is just a saline drip, I’m taken right in and lay on the table under the scanner, they put pads on either side of my head but my head was too small to keep in place so they strapped it in and I suddenly felt like I was in A Clockwork Orange but not really just sort of. The first few scans were contrast injection [iodine] free. I tried really hard not to move and didn’t get itchy anywhere and stared up into the massive machine spinning above me until I thought I might get dizzy. When they inject the iodine they come back in and hold your arm to make sure it is going in properly and they give you the warning that you will likely feel heat start at the back of the throat and find its way down the body into the crotch area where it again will feel HOT and MAY feel like you are peeing yourself. Awesome.

There is no warning for what that feels like I sure don’t remember having fire crotch from my scan in 1994 in fact in 1994 I had to hold the tube with iodine in it in my hand with the IV in my arm AND not move so at least the process has come a ways or it may just be that I had that CT scan in Terrace we will never know. The fire crotch was a high point because you really can’t help but laugh, I mean I was laying there flexing my kegels like mad JUST to make sure I was not peeing myself but there was no pleasure it was flat out FIRE CROTCH.

I had to sit with my IV for about ten minutes because the iodine dehydrates you and then I got a band aid on my owie from the IV needle and we went on our way. We had the same cab driver on the way back. And I gotta say thanks again to Stephanie because for a hospital visit and fire crotch in already 30 degree weather it was a pretty damn fun day!

On Saturday morning an invitation came in on Facebook for my girlfriend Bonny’s birthday. Every year we have our birthdays two days apart. I generally go out for her birthday. But this year I realized I had nothing to wear. But not only did I have nothing to wear nothing I own fits so I couldn’t even pretend to pull off an outfit and I also did not want to wear what I am going to wear for my birthday which will still fit because it was a bit big before.

Having issues with fit is nothing new to me. But in the last seven or so years I have gone from being a size zero and weighing between 100 and 108 lbs to now weighing close to 130 lbs. Due to the stress brought on by our wedding I was very small again when we got married, around 115 lbs. Since the wedding I have gone through A LOT of mental shit but in a lot of ways am feeling comfortable in my life like never before and also being on three medications for depression I’ve put on close to another 15 lbs. Basically when I would fluctuate back and forth between too thin and 115 lbs I could make my closet work there was a enough variety. But now that I have passed 120 lbs other than t-shirts and my size medium underwear nothing fits. This would be perfect if only underwear were considered short shorts and it was a tiny bit warmer here year round. I have been living in yoga pants and track pants, they stretch.

I really don’t give a shit what size you are when your body starts to change in a not so sexy way in your opinion or you put on weight it is hard to stomach and I’m having a lot of trouble looking at my body in the mirror and not saying horrid things about it. When I was a youngin’ I was picked on CONSTANTLY for being ‘too thin’. I was called every name in the book. I had no tits, I somehow always had a butt on me though. But kids are relentless and I almost got beat up once for saying that my jeans would fit some girl because they were size six and huge on me because big baggy pants were in and I just meant they’d fit her, she thought I was calling her fat and sent a posse of fists out after me. I have spent my life mostly choosing to stay out of weight conversations unless they are one on one because being the ‘thin’ one no matter what you say, it is wrong. I have never understood why people used to always feel comfortable spewing out “you are so thin”, “you are so skinny” and thinking it was a compliment. I’m sorry but this is NO different than walking up to someone who is fat and saying “oh my god, you are so fat!” I would never do that so don’t fucking comment on my weight. Although I have never been anorexic or bulimic, you don’t know me you have no idea what sort of keeping weight on issues I might have nor do I know if you have some kind of problems keeping you fat. Being too thin even without the stereotypical things people assume when they see you is JUST as unhealthy as being over weight, there are many other reasons a person on the thin side could have problems keeping weight on if they want to which there always were with me. The intensity of my anxiety can cause me to drop 10 lbs in a week. NOT HEALTHY.

Now, to be honest until recently I was very arrogant about my body and used to think it was pretty hot, as I was told it was many ‘good’ things once I hit my twenty’s, I’d go so far as to say there was no way I would ever lose my natural six pack even when I wasn’t working out. I was always well aware of when I was too thin due to my depression though, it was still a double edged sword. When I was too thin and I knew it was due to depression and people made comments about it, I played it off, knowing there was nothing I could do, but it made me feel like shit, on display, singled out and disliked JUST because I was thin. When I was eating two burgers a day and receiving the same comments and knew I wasn’t too thin it still made me feel like shit but I flaunted it to hide my insecurities because when you are viewed as a ‘hot body’ by males and ‘too thin’ by women and not a whole person for a large portion of your life your self perception gets warped and your values in relation to why people like you became shaded and you can get lost in offering yourself to people in ways you never normally would just to be accepted.

Because I have been feeling so negative about my shape and flabby belly and thigh skin I have started to work out and run again but running is at the mercy of my knee. This is the first year in my life I am dreading putting on a bathing suit.

Due to having one pair of jeans I can wear, but are still too tight in the waist, I thought there would be SOMETHING to wear ‘out’ but after trying on pairs of pants after pairs of pants and just NOTHING fitting, I was feeling worse and worse, I started crying, Adam gave me a hug. But then I dug into a bag of clothes where I knew there was a pair of pants that I bought when I was little miss corporate girl and got them a size too big and tried them on, they’re a size 6 and were still too small but they would do. I had to take them in for emergency same day hemming. Now for a shirt. Again nothing, everything I used to wear out was too short too tight or too bar star for my age. It was raining harder than cats and dogs but we hoofed it to The Bay after tearing the closet completly apart and found a kick ass shirt I love. I don’t feel any better about my body, but I had a good evening and my shirt looked sweet.

I obviously have to learn to accept my new size which I KNOW when I am in my rational mind is not fat but disliking my body is new to me, and having a closet and dresser FULL of clothes that don’t fit, I just don’t care what size you are it is depressing.

Ever since I got married I have become even more of a recluse and even more unreliable when it comes to making plans and things in my everyday life. I used to be a really reliable person and am still always there if someone needs me needs me but as far as seeing and spending time with my friends my world is almost strictly on-line and even there I am lacking in email responses and sending emails period and etc. I never answer my phone anyway so that doesn’t count I don’t even know why because I used to love the phone I talked on it endlessly then I had a job where people swore at me on the phone and yelled at me and since then I have wanted nothing to do with it and my friends do not normally call to yell and swear at me so it must be related to my antisocial ness and that is also an excuse. People who have known me a long time know I mean nothing by it but it frustrates them none the less. I have never been the type of person who wants to talk to anyone EVERY day. Cept for Adam. I have a really hard time with close interpersonal relationships so I don’t see a problem going a few days weeks or months with little or no contact. The narcissist in me just expects people to get that. I tend to let people down a lot and cancel at the last minute but at the time I make the plans I honestly believe I can and will participate in them and then as the date quickly approaches I come up sometimes legitimate excuses to miss whatever it is or sometimes I just don’t go because I feel I physically can’t and lets face it I am just a canceler. I am never surprised when people cancel on me and generally expect it due to my behavior and wonder why people put up with me.

See, I don’t like going to other peoples places because of my social anxiety and my OCD issues. I can hide both I just get sick of it. And during the week I HATE having people come over because I like to go to bed [very] early and feel rude. On weekends I don’t mind but I am a very crap hostess and generally forget to even offer my friends water when they come over and sometimes I feel anxious when I start to get tired and want people to leave, I believe that must be common feeling though, not knowing how to get people the hell out of your home when you are DONE hostessesssing. In my [i]personal[/i] life you could say I have a problem leaving my house at times but I’ve starting writing lists and they really help me get the hell out of here. I checked off almost all of today’s things and moved some to tomorrow.

I like to be a hermit but it has made me become a little flakey, and I really never used to be a flakey, brush you off kind of person unless I hate you but I think it is also getting married related. I lived alone for a very long time with a cat before settling down and being an only child I have never minded being alone unless I had just been dumped and was suffering a broken heart. It makes being a good friend hard though sometimes and I feel genuinely bad about that a lot more than my friends probably realize about the canceling all the time and etc, but I am FULL of excuses. If my friends lives were in constant crisis I’d be the best friend ever because I am a very good problem solver / advice giver. (WHEN ASKED or NEEDED)

I am very selfish as you can see by the above but we sometimes become what we learn growing up and I was very alone growing up and hated it and now as an adult I love it and am going through the realization that now I will never be alone because Adam promised me HE WILL NEVER DIE and so I feel stuck. Not stuck with him just stuck trying to start my new path as Mrs. Carlson who doesn’t have to be hermitty like Ms. Liscumb but so far I just want to stay in and be married and play Guitar Hero and it is nothing personal and friends in my life who suffer from depression also do this avoidance shit to me too and I get mad and then I remember I do it to them so isn’t that proof that it isn’t personal? It would just be a lot more fun if I didn’t feel guilty about it because the novelty is not wearing off but it gets really lonely too.

This post has been brought to you by the word GUILT.

[b]I can not believe we are going to see Neko Case[/b] tomorrow I am going insane with excitement. “I WISH I WAS THE MOON TONIGHT”!

I hope she sings every single song off the new album because I LOVE each and every one and I really hope she sings ‘The Train from Kansas City’.

I have ALREADY gotten teary eyed I have already PRE cried because “MY HEART IS IN MY LAP”!!!!!

She is playing closing night of the Jazz Festival this should be the SHIT MAN!

OH and we got tickets to TOOOOOOOOOOOL [in august] more on THAT later!

AND seriously the new Christina Aguilera song ‘Ain’t no Other Man’ is so fucking good man even Adam likes it.

Did I seriously just mention Neko Case, Tool and Christina Aguilera in the same post?

I think this is pretty much my sexiest look ever. The computer is in front of the window. The sun is in my eyes.

Yesterday while I was at the hair salon I decided Cosmo really is the worst magazine in the entire world. For serious I get much better information from the Weekly World News and their cross words are so kick ass you’ll kick your own ass if you don’t do it.

In therapy I almost or did sort of get in a ’something, something’ with Dr. B. He was all like you don’t have withdrawal when you lower your meds slowly and I almost Africa Lion pounced on him with my AREN’T YOU the PSYCHIATRIST have you ever even BEEN ON THESE DRUGS LIKE YOU EVEN KNOW! He said you are very confrontational this session and I said NO SHIT. And then he told me I interrupt too much [because I get defensive] so I got mad and cried this time throwing in - in OVER three years you decide to tell me NOW I interrupt too much I thought therapy was ALL ABOUT ME! FINE so I KNOW I do but it hurt my feelings.

If I take a shower and Adam leaves the conditioner on the wrong side of the shampoo because I live my life in one big pattern after another I’ll pick up the conditioner thinking it is shampoo and then you will hear LOUD FUCKS and stuff coming from the shower as I try and maneuver the lid so I can put it back in the bottle. I put the lid on backwards. LEAVE THE SHAMPOO ON THE LEFT OF THE CONDITIONER or we will have problems in our marriage.

I was thinking about my hair in the shower and how awesome the cut is whlist washing it twice in retardo hot water to try and lighten it and I was like you know what I bet my stylist just doesn’t think I’m funny and although NOT OK it happens- very rarely though.

This is what I do people I over think and OBSESS about EVERYTHING.

Nineteen years old driving home from the late shift at Future Shop Music blasting Tool, Aenima in my ‘85 Honda Civic when suddenly I am so dizzy and disorientated that I can’t see straight. I pull over and assess myself. Can I drive the rest of the way home? Would Maynard be mad cause I had to turn the Tool down? What the fuck is wrong with me? I decide I can make it. I concentrate as hard as humanly possible and drive- probably one of the dumber things I’ve done. When I get out of the car it feels as if the earth is sort of falling out from underneath me but not. I grip my car to walk. When I get to the end of the hood I actually have to figure out how I’m going to get to the edge of the house to get around back to my basement suite without injuring myself. I let go of the car and stagger so far left I think I’m a goner but manage to stagger back right and fall into the house so I can grip, feel and fall down to my door.

I’d love to say things got better once I get inside but I’d like to mention because I was living alone that I made it to the bathroom before the vomiting started cause once it started it did not stop. Not even at my drunkest, my most idiotic self inflicted two to three day recoveries from drug binges NOTHING had ever made me THIS sick. Back and forth from the bathroom to the bedroom. Moaning, crying, falling, crawling. I’d really like to know how the FUCK I didn’t cover that suite in vomit.

Morning arrives and I call my mommy and daddy I do not remember what was said in this conversation I also call my landlord who lives up stairs and beg him to take me to the hospital. He obviously assumes I’m drunk because he says NO. I must have kept them up during the night barfing etc. because finally he caves and comes down to get me. I puke all the way out to his car, out the window of his car and he drops me at the doors to emergency.

I sit in emergency scared as fuck barfing into whatever they hand me filling one after another whilst barely able to sit up until someone finally realizes I’m in no condition to be left sitting out in emergency by myself- I needed to be like actually admitted.

You want fun? It starts here. They give me some T’3s first, the headache that is following me around was on the back burner compared to the rest of the shit going on but is bad and I think I had a fever too. Next, I get a shot in the ass. Once they have me stable- and when I say stable I mean not barfing cause umm this is still just the beginning. The vertigo is so far from over at this point had I of known how much fun I was heading for in the coming weeks I’d of shot myself. From here they take me in for a CT Scan where they confirm that I’m suffering from Labyrinthitis. There is NOTHING they can do for me. I get to wait it out. All they can do is control the barfing. I’m told that when MOST PEOPLE get this ‘disorder’ I will not only have for life now but that it can reoccur at ANY time, NORMALLY they will see fluid fill only two maybe three [tops] inner ear canals of the three in each ear. LUCKY ME ALL SIX ARE FULL!!!!!!!! Cases as bad as mine are seen maybe once a month they tell me, if even.

Honestly I just want to die. This is at a time when I have about three friends in Vancouver I’ve lived here not even four months. The hospital has no rooms [big surprise] and I’m left to pass in and out of consciousness in the hallway until what looks like an Angel appears somewhere before me I can’t focus on ANYTHING. It turns out to be Spockette, [my now MOH] she and her cousin spring me from the joint and take me to my bed where I stay for a FULL TWO WEEKS. I can’t read, watch any movies, tv, nothing. ALL I can do is sit/lay and do NOTHING while happy I’m not barfing anymore but bored and depressed as shit cause I’m not able to walk without holding shit or falling over and work just LOVES me missing OVER two weeks.

Apparently this experience made me a stronger person or something.

MY POINT

I have this shit right now. NOT AS BAD. BUT

Ever since I got it [in 1998] every time I get a little dizzy which is a lot because my balance has never been the same, ask anyone who walks more than a block with me, I let that little FUCK IM GETTING Labyrinthitis SNEAK into my head and quickly let it fall out my good ear. Last Friday I went to get out of bed and instead of it taking the normal two to three seconds to gain my balance I practically fell out the bedroom door throwing my hands out to grab whatever was closest. I had a good laugh at myself but quickly realized something was WRONG. I crashed onto the computer chair and smashed my elbow into the wall. Labyrinthitis came into my mind but I honestly thought it was allergy related and was happy that coincidently I had a doctors appointment where I could be like UMMMMM BITCH my right nostril feels like it is going to fall out from this nasal spray shit and OH YAH now I have to take Gravol just to walk straight.

Wasn’t allergies is this fucking Labyrinthitis SHIT again and I’m being a huge cunt right now and I do not advise getting close to me. I’m supposed to be going back to work and need shirts and every time I find one that covers my arm tattoo the one on my back shows fucking having to conform fuck YOU.
I gave up trying to shop for shirts when my Mom called and I acted like a five year old and flipped out over something to do with my wedding dress, made a bridezilla scene and decided I was WAY to sick to be shopping whether I need work shirts or not. I cried like a spoiled brat the whole walk home cursing this that and everything. Fuck it I’m going into construction for real.

I do not have this Labyrinthitis even close to as bad as last time. It is coming on in ‘attack’ form this time. It is not constant or consistent and Gravol is keeping it at bay.

Pretty much the last thing I need right now considering for something that CAN re-occur at any time it decides to show up when my BIRTHDAY is next week [please see wish list], almost 10 years later and right in the middle of the wedding planning, RIGHT when I need to FLY up north AND right when I decide it is time to head back out to work. Thank you LUCK!!!! I LOVE you now fuck OFF.

I hate everything right now and will kick you if you piss me off. Oilers lose tonight and I may have to kick the TV.

Y’all know I’ve got some good taste in music and I’ve got some questionable taste in music and then I have just plain BAD taste in some music. As I’ve mentioned before when I can’t figure out a songs lyrics I make up my own. No disrespect I enjoy singing and I pretty much just sing whatever comes out. But when Mariah Carey’s ‘Emotions’ came on the media player the other day I suddenly yelled out FUCK THIS SHE IS NOT SINGING ABOUT EMOTIONS SHE IS SINGING ABOUT ORGASMS she is using it as a METAPHOR! I’m so smart WHERE IS MY COOKIE!

Just call me Weird Corinna-ankovic I re-wrote it with my own lyrics and I’m going to be famous.

Orgasms
by: Corinna Liscumb

You’ve got me feeling orgasms
Deeper than I’d ever dreamed of
You’ve got me feelings orgasms
Harder than the headboard above

I feel loose
I feel tight
I’ve never felt so
Orgass-mafied

I’m in lust
I’m a liar
In-fox-icated
diseases fly
It feels like a cream
When you drip it on my sheets
Don’t know if it’s snipped
But I like the way it feels inside

You’ve got me feeling orgasms
Deeper than I’d ever dreamed of
You’ve got me feelings orgasms
Harder than the headboard above

In the moaning
When I cum
You’re not the first thing
on my mind
And when you diddle
with your dick
I feel your hand moves
don’t touch mine
It feels like a cream
When you drip it on my sheets
Don’t know if it’s snipped
But I like the way it feels inside

(Repeat Chorus)

You know the way to make my bed bounce
When your pounding me from behind
You make me feel so fly

You’ve got me feeling orgasms
Deeper than I’d ever dreamed of
You’ve got me feelings orgasms
Harder than the headboard above

You’ve got me grippin’ harder

The Original ‘Emotions’
by: Mariah Carey

You’ve got me feeling emotions
Deeper than I’ve ever dreamed of
You’ve got me feeling emotions
Higher than the heavens above

I feel good
I feel nice
I’ve never felt so
Satisfied
I’m in love
I’m alive
Intoxicated
Flying high
It feels like a dream
When you touch me tenderly
I don’t know if it’s real
But I like the way I feel Inside

(Chorus)

In the morning
When I rise
You are the first thing
On my mind
And in the middle
Of the night
I feel your heartbeat
next to mine
It feels like a dream
When you love me tenderly
I don’t know if you’re for real
But I like the way I feel
Inside

(Chorus)

You know the way to make me lose control
When you’re looking into my eyes
You make me feel so high

(Chorus)

You’ve got me feeling higher