The building only has one washing machine and two dryers. Mrs. E says only having one keeps the bad people out.
Normally my Jedi mind tricks are sufficient and the washer is empty. Today I’ve done sprints up and down the stairs going on six times now and it has been full every time. I know there must be some sort of conspiracy a foot because I have five maybe six loads, only money for four mind you and Adam doesn’t have any tighty whities to wear and so I’m getting bitched at BUT I have NOT ran into even ONE person in the hallway coming or going with or without laundry. What will become of Adam’s underwear?

I started to fake and bake yesterday so that I won’t have tan lines and I used what will be my married name since technically I owe them money under my other last name. If I go to jail for this I blame you. It is probably out of their system now anyway because it was from 1998 but I felt like a rebel.

On Saturday I went to lunch with my friend who works on Battlestar Galactica hoping to get all the good juicy gossip on Tricia Helfer who is A. a main character on Battlestar and B. the host of Canada’s Next Top Model [our excuse for it anyway] but I got nothing. NOTHING! Apparently she is NICE. NICE. I said, well in photos it looks like she has big boobs but then on CNTM it looks like her chest is all CAVED and her tits are smaller than MINE! Said friend said that yes she does have small boobs and that she could not does but could have an eating disorder and then I said, but don’t they ALLLLLLLLL??? BAH I was disappointed, not in my friend of course, in fact if nothing else I was filled with respect as the friend gave NOTHING away and did not gossip at all which obviously says to me they take their job pretty serious. I was disappointed that Canadians are so fucking NICE like FUCK be a mean bitch already so I can write really lame posts on how LAME Canada’s Next Top Model is. I’m hotter than HALF the chicks they picked. You’d find more original looking women which I guess they were shooting for and FAILED to find on Denman street. The gay pride parade starts on that street.

I also jumped around my kitchen in circles when Federer forced Nadal to a fifth set [tie break] but then cried like I do pretty much EVERY TIME I watch sports when my favorite athletes lose [or win] yesterday when Federer lost the French Open. Man that hurt, although I have a feeling it hurt him more.

We were so close to getting out of here. A suite came available down the street in one of the two buildings we are waiting on. Anyone unfamiliar with our landlord situation there are stories a plenty regarding Mrs. E. in the ‘Assholes’ category. Because we like the management company we are waiting on two buildings both come with NO Mrs E. and balconies. The only problems I’ve ever had building wise since I moved in here in March 2000 are with the cunt next door.

We went to look at the suite and it was too small. Damnit, we have to wait for one on the front of the building now. It was really nice though so we are excited about the front but disappointed we have to live next door to little miss keys for fingers cunty mc cunt cunt moo moo wearing went certifiably insane before I was even born landlord.

I was talking about her in therapy last Friday as I do when anything she does of any merit presents itself and the possibility of getting the fuck away from her is definitely therapy worthy. We discuss how she triggers that teenager in high school being bullied section of my brain and I just go to goo when I see her. I can’t fucking stand her I can’t wait to be rid of her. It is hard but we are understanding of why her boss lets her get away with the shit she does in this building but really this bitch is so old if he were to rat her out she’d be out on the street and homeless and no matter how much I say I hate her I’m not evil like for real evil. It will be so good for me just to move out of here. Even though I love that I have lived in this building longer than I have lived anywhere in my life. Some really shitty shit has happened in here. When I lived down the hall solo for five plus years I was assaulted by a friend of a friend in my suite people in the building were also friends with the friend of the assaulter and me and one of our mutual friends committed suicide and I thought they were my friends but I guess they only tolerated me for PH and pretty much kicked me to the curb after he died and joined the I was never assaulted bandwagon EVEN THOUGH the guy who assaulted me point blank admitted to doing it. Fuck it was insane. I STILL catch myself when their window is open walking by and having NO CONTROL of saying disgusting and despicable things like ‘I PERSONALLY think PH would be fucking ASHAMED of how they treat me’ LOUD enough for them to hear me, whether they ever have I don’t fucking care, but whatever fucked up things happen when woman are assaulted in groups of friends and fucked up things happen when people die. I was left feeling judged for how I grieved and felt like they only tolerated me cause PH thought I was the shit. Basically getting out of this building will be even better for me than I realized until it was a topic in therapy.

Gus likes boxes. Gus has had LOTS of boxes over the years. Her most recent ones can be seen HERE and HERE. We decided Gus needed to be interviewed we watch her go through box after box after box and some things NEED answers. Adam acted as her meow-lator and I prepared the questions and good thing I wore gloves and a mask because I didn’t know she was going to freak out and SCREAM at me the whole time.

How did you find this box?

THATS LIKE ASKING A PRISONER �SO, WHY BUNKBEDS?�

Has it increased or decreased in value since you took up occupancy?

WELL ITS CARPETED NOW.
AND THE FLOOR WAS INSULATED WITH PACKING PEANUTS.
SO LIKE 2 BUCKS.

How did you feel when BunnyBear just moved in?

I TOLD YOU I WONT TALK ABOUT THAT SUBJECT. I MADE MYSELF VERY CLEAR.
MY FUCKING AGENT TOLD YOU THIS AS WELL SO I DONT KNOW WHY YOU WOULD BE SITTING HERE IN FRONT OF ME AND THIS IS LEAVING YOUR MOUTH. YOU DONT KNOW THE HISTORY OF THIS IS FUCKING OVER IF THAT SUBJECT SHOULD REAPPEAR.

Would you like a bigger box?

WOULD YOU LIKE A SMALLER CADILLAC? COME ON.

How do you feel about the location?

ITS FANTASTIC, EXCEPT PRINCE LETS HIS LAWN GROW REAL LONG AND IT MAKES MINE LOOK WORSE. BUT AT LEAST THE GATE KEEPS THE VAGRANTS OUT OF THE POOL.

How do you feel about your owner’s love of Ellen?

THAT BROAD THINKS EVERYONE IS GAY.. …FUCKING KURT FUCKING COBAIN.

Does it bother you that you have no roof?

I THINK THAT MAKES IT A CABANA. OR A GAZEEBOTTOM OR SOMETHING.

Any plans to decorate?

YOUVE GOT ME HERE, YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH *ONE EXCEPTION, AND ALL YOUR TALKING ABOUT IS MY BOX?

How do you feel about our conservative government?

I VOTED FOR THE PRESERVATIVES. MSG CONTAINS NO GST.

Any comments on the upcoming Olympics in 2010?

YOU KNOW THAT MEANS YOU GOTTA DO THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS TOO, RIGHT?
…..GOOD PLACE FOR IT. ARE WE DONE?

Why did you destroy your red ‘Gus Box Get Lost’?

ALRIGHT, ONE MORE BOX QUESTION AND THATS IT. BASICALLY, THE DESTRUCTION OF THE BOX BEGAN IMPULSIVELY AND WAS UNINTENTIONAL, BUT WHEN I REALLY STARTED WAILING ON IT I DECIDED TO TELL PEOPLE IT WAS A CONCEPTUAL EXRESSION OF MY SOCIETAL RAGE AND HOW POSITIVE INTENTIONS AND ENERGIES ARE PERVERTED BY THE GLOBAL HYPERBOLE OF VIOLENCE. OR SOMETHING.

Is this box to suffer the same fate in time? I have noticed it is losing its shape, no?

IM EITHER LEAVING RIGHT NOW OR YOU CAN ASK ME SOMETHING ELSE. WHAT WAS THAT? HUH? OKAY, THANKS FOR A WHATEVER, DRIVE FAST, K? LATER.

Sneezing on you, Babe
Is SO sexy I can’t stop
Get me a new nose!

Fresh cut grass is green
Hit the balloon in the head
Drill a hard golf shot

I got a fever
Give it to you free, I will
Don’t make me hate you

Deviated Spray
Fucking up nostrils is bad
Do not snort cocaine

Two billion dollars
Allergies are good business
Fuck corporations

Itchy eyes you have
Allergic to my cat ass
Buddy, sniff it good

Headaches love me long
Runny nose, watery eyes
Fuck you allergies

I was in a funk– not a serious one just a couldn’t get up before 11am for a couple of weeks.
Normally February is such a hard month for me anyway that with the added surgery and over a full month of pain killers when I came down off all that shit I crashed a little mentally.

I did some strange shit but I did not commit any crimes or hurt anyone accept maybe some feelings and I was rude to some jerks. But really I was a big cry baby and stopped answering my phone [again or as usual??] didn’t sign into msn, played hours of Tiger Woods 2006 and just in general felt sorry for myself for the majority of March until Sunday the 19th.

But I LOST February and was alone through the majority of my recovery so is this not FAIR??? A friend of mine killed himself a few Februarys a go and I haven’t written about it because it sucked and it sucks every year to remember and go through because then I also have to go through my failed attempt over AGAIN and seeing it and knowing it from both sides is really fucking hard.

Maybe I’m never really THERE for the month of February.

You know the butterfly/scull part of my tattoo it is for him and me. The scull represents him because he is DEAD and we went to see Crossroads together STARING Britney Spears so I didn’t think he’d mind if it was PINK and he loved GUS and he was FRENCH from FRANCE but loved Lance Armstrong?? He is why I LOVE Lance Armstrong. His full name was Pierre-Henri Cade. February 4th 2003. Gone. He used to ride his bike next to me on the trails in Stanley Park during my runs so I wouldn’t get abducted and bought me books all the time and brought me coffee to my work, he believed in me so much and in my writing and I haven’t met too many people as fucking awesome as he was. The scull also represents my botched attempt and how I fight suicidal thoughts daily. It reminds me that HE didn’t make it– the butterfly is ME because I FUCKING DID. The eyes are because I KNOW he is watching me and because after he killed himself I went through a MAJOR selfish period where all I could think about was how I COULD NOT KILL MYSELF NOW because he did and it would be like the fucking Virgin Suicides or something except we are older and not related but then WHO WOULD BE NEXT??? Fucked I know but grieving is fucked.

He never left a note, not even for his girlfriend or family. We got a translated– beyond touching letter from his parents and that is it they know no more than we do.

I have my theories but they are mine.

Tattooing my CAT on my arm has nothing to do with PH it is simply a representation of the ONE steady and constant thing I have had since her arrival in 1994 [other than the almost three years with Adam] who has never judged me and loves me and will still sit with me when I haven’t showered or changed my underwear in five + days. The early days in 1996 when I moved out here where some of the loneliest, cold and near homeless [considering what I was living in] times ever. My cat fucking rules and if she could talk I bet she’d say I’m the BEST MOM EVER.

WOW good thing I’m out of my ‘funk’.

she has her best fur suit on, looks professional and ready to get down to business

sniffs out our registry cards

decides it is all crap and licks her ass on our samples to stress this

totally loses interest. good thing we aren’t going with any of these designs anyway.