The speakers for the computer are shot. It started slowly and I didn’t even really notice and then bam Neko Case sounded like shit so I KNEW they were toast. But I feel like it is 1995 or some shit because I have to put a CD in the CD PLAYER in the bedroom because I play all the music off the media player and always buy a decent set of speakers for the computer. But shuffling isn’t the same and only being able to listen to one disk? Holy am I ever a slave to technology. I tried to hook up an older set of speakers to tide me over but they were worse so I put the other ones back. I’m going to get a new set tomorrow on the way to therapy the place where we got our new computer a few months ago is really reasonably priced it is on the way or near there. Or if The Bay has them we have wedding money left. We really need a new mouse too. I should call. In fact I think I will I will go call. Now. I need me some new speakers damn it. What you don’t realize here is Tiger Woods PGA 2007 for PS2 came out on Tuesday and we are still addicted to Lego Star Wars as well and when this engrossed in gaming we do not have time to get up and change CDs we just don’t.

I have a girlfriend coming to visit she gets here tonight it is RJ she comments with her real name but whatever this is her CLICK HERE I was destined for an arm tattoo of some kind we have been friends since I was barely 14 she has always been two years older than me. We had matching names put on our grad jackets even though we obviously graded in different years if she has ALWAYS been two years my senior but they spelled mine wrong it was supposed to be TWINSLIDES and they wrote TWINSLICKS. We were super slick in fact one of the only words we ever said was slick RJ can STILL piss her sister off by just saying SLICK. You don’t want to know how we gave each other the twinslides nickname and if you do you are a sick bastard and I’m not telling you. We peed down two slides side by side– we had to go and we were teenagers bad ones and it was FUNNNY then. I look back on it now and will probably never let any kid I birth EVER go down a slide. I was talking to her on the phone and she said she was getting her PS2 games together. I think Adam started to salivate when I told him she said that. SEE just not a good time ALL AROUND for the speakers to go.

AHAHHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH K-Fed on CSI tonight can’t wait.

October 24 can not come soon enough. The new John Legend will be mine.
We were walking through The Bay the other day because we finally bought a new DVD player the PS2 is on its last legs and we need it to last until the new one comes out and the VHS machine melted so we needed a dual one. The PS3 is sexy the design. Holy. I can�t wait. I knew John Legend had a new album coming because I saw some preview that he was on Oprah I think he has been on there twice I don�t know for sure because Oprah is stupid but I do know that he was on Ellen first when his first album was just out I bought it that day. If Ellen asked me to jump off a tall building and there was no fall mat would I do it? NO. But she had him on and he was amazing reminded me there was still good new artists out there. I love the song he does with Snoop Dog �I Can Change� it cracks me up every time and I still listen to it constantly. We were walking out and I heard less than two seconds and was like HEY MAN NEW JOHN LEGEND LISTEN. His sound is very distinct. I heard less than ten seconds of the new �Save Room� and loved it instantly. I am sure it is everywhere by now but for some reason I hadn�t heard it. I really hate it when that happens.

[b]Lego Star Wars II, The Original Trilogy[/b] for Play Station is controlling my life right now. It is using the dark side of the force on me.
I can’t stop playing it. Either can Adam so we had to set up rules that we only save it if we are playing together but that we can save if we have already finished a level and are just going back to finish and find shit we missed so that we can ultimately become the best Jedi fighters of Lego EVER.
It is ALL Rilah’s fault. She had us over for a night of Lego Star Wars II, The Original Trilogy BUT on X-Box and then we had to have it on PS2. I think it is pretty funny we live like two point five blocks apart and are now sitting in similarly shaped buildings in separate apartment suites playing the same game on different consoles and through the life blood that is the internet we can discuss the game and because they had it first and started it first and I think had the first one too I tell Rilah the shit we can’t figure out and she tells me how to do it. It is more fun than looking up cheats man.
So basically this is married life so far acting like we are ten. Very similar to before we were married but then I think we had it capped at behaving like eight year olds. At least we have matured slightly.
You get to walk around with Yoda on your back and Chewy can carry C3PO so that you don’t have to run around saying “where could he be”, I can’t wait till we get to the Ewoks.

My period was late this month which I have to say once you get married I think is total bull shit it should not be allowed to be late anymore unless there is a baby in there. When we weren’t married it would add some excitement and stress when it was late and then when I’d get it, it was like THANK JESUS NO BABY FOR US!
To put it bluntly we don’t use anything, we tried, I spoke to doctors and everything. I have a very sensitive vag it doesn’t like rubbers. It eats them and I burn, doesn’t matter what kind we have tried every kind and tried different lubes and blah blah blah. The pill as mentioned [before] makes me CRAZIER. And the vag is too sensitive for shit like rings, foam, sponges etc.
Now, this does have its problems. I have never OFFICIALLY wanted babies. I’m not super big on astrology but I seem to fit being a Gemini very well. I have two very separate and distinct personalities. Some may say everyone does some may say I should talk to myself less. Before we got married I made it clear to Adam I spend 50% of the time NOT wanting kids AT ALL and 50% of the time wanting two. There is no middle ground I’m either having a day where I want them or I don’t. It has been like this for YEARS. The clock starting ticking around 25, I remember it well. Discussing it with girlfriends and saying HEY what the fuck is this I NEVER EVER wanted kids and now my BODY is trying to tell me I DO what GIVES?????
There is that part of me that is disappointed my vag started gushing menstrual blood and clots yesterday, because it was late my legs were doing the involuntary twitch kick because my cramps were so bad- they are always worse when it’s late- I was as I am almost every month convinced I was dying, but that is it, disappointed, but I’m also slightly relieved.
Babies are cute, teenagers not so much and when I think far a head I think take me off the ‘can have list’ tie me off I don’t even need to worry about it.
I was clear with Adam about this. I mean he has sex with me without protection so I think he knows a baby COULD develop.
I’m willing to leave it up to nature because I can’t decide. I’m not willing to sacrifice my sex life when I already have sex drive issues from meds, my semi recent past, and my childhood past- just THE PAST. Adding the stress of birth control and an angry vag into the mix and the moment can quickly fade.

In 1998 I went to the Cook Islands. It was still completely un-westernized and the only air lines that had the rights to the air space were Air New Zealand and Polynesian Airlines, the main Island has its own air line Air Rarotonga which makes regular runs to Atitutaki a one hour flight, Atiu a fifty minute flight, Mangaia, Mauke also a fifty minute flight, Mitiaro a one hour and twenty-five minute flight, Penrhyn and Rakahanga. There are fifteen islands in total. The main island whose name and capital is Rarotonga is so small you can ride a motor scooter around it in approximately twenty minutes. I think the Cook Islands are why something is just not right on all vacations I have taken since- as I went there first. Were I not a travel agent at the time and had my parents on their second visit not rented a house for a month and invited me out for a two week paid stay [minus my airfare and dinners] I would NEVER have been able to afford to go. I broke my collar bone a day or two before my flight was to leave, I still won’t even ride a bike ‘cause I have full memory of my non helmeted head [at the time they didn’t have helmets and I never brought one] hitting the pavement, but I’d go back to the Cook Islands today. I think.
When I went to the Cooks you rented the motor scooter first, taught yourself to drive it around which in my case was the worst idea ever because I just decided I liked the front brake best and used it and pretty much only it. I’m lucky I didn’t crash on the first day. After this you THEN take it OVER to the DMV and buy a license. The story of that crash is HERE and the comments have the rest as my Dad added parts.

Except for this Island I am staring out at here and also swam out to, the ONLY Island that Survivor can be using for exile Island [unless they are flying the person which I HIGHLY doubt] you can not paddle around to the Islands you HAVE TO FLY. They are not close, just look at a map.

I am sure Survivor has pulled this shit before it is just now smacking me in the face because I have BEEN THERE and my parents have been there three times. I’ve done the Cross Island hike and between the three of us we have been every where there is to be on Rarotonga. ALL of the tribes are on Rarotonga although they are trying to make it look like they are using multiple islands they are not. Exile Island takes no more than ten minutes to swim out to I don’t remember exactly but I reached it without problem.

[i]Excerpts from a discussion with my dad over email:

[dad] The show is such bullshit this year. The white guys are at the park where I ran the triathlon. They could head over to the ‘Fruits of Rarotonga’ for a fruit smoothie. They give you the impression that they are paddling from island to island for challenges but since the islands are hundreds of miles apart they are obviously flying them in. The one group on aitutaki are in the lagoon where all the nice resorts are. It just kills the illusion that they are out in the wilderness.
And ……. there is a part missing from the idol.

[me] im in total agreement i bet exile island is that one im looking at ‘in that awesome photo’ and swam out to

[dad] forgot to mention that, you are correct. And the reason that they stopped chasing the chicken is they would have run out on the road and been run over. You may have noticed in one shot when they were chasing the chicken that there was a pile of poles lying on the ground, you can’t cut trees in the park so they have supplied them with poles. Plus I think if you check they do not have bamboo in that part of the world. We have been all over that island I have never seen any.[/i]

At first I wasn’t even pissed about the blatant attempt at fooling the viewer because the Cook Islands want tourism. I’m not sure if they fully realized what they were in for, I’d love to see it now and see if it is different if they have allowed more imports if people can stay for longer than the 6 month maximum. It is NOT EASY to even obtain the rights to stay that long. I was extremely pissed off about the immunity idol and went OFF on my parent’s message machine. I had watched it on Eastern Time at 5pm and they weren’t going to get to watch it till 8pm. I have never looked forward to a Survivor like this one being as I’ve never stepped foot on any of their destination sights soil and was really excited to show Adam areas where I’d been. I had wondered what they were going to do with the immunity idol given that as photographed here from the center of the town is the Polynesian fertility God, Tangaroa. I errrrrrrrrrrupted into a RANT. HOW DARE THEY REMOVE THE PENIS!?! THE dick the COCK the essence of their country’s God. God forbid they piss of the Christians but pissing off different races- green light. You couldn’t pay me enough to fly in there on one of the small charter airlines that can now fly in, companies who obviously felt they could not sell the destination with a religious symbol not accepted in Western Society. The show, the network is willing to exploit and FOR SOME [not all people- but the editing makes their attempts pretty obvious] encourage racism which in my opinion they have already done, just look at the tribes already MADE up of ALL the stereotypes and “caricatures” they say they aren’t making but if they happen to fall into a racist stereotype well shit that isn’t she show’s fault it is theirs. Please. Sorry I don’t buy it. I see right through it. It makes me sick. They won’t show the Dick, and the tourism board from reading this article has allowed western society to ‘talk them into’ changing Tangaroa’s appearance. An insult to the whole country but exploiting racism- [again] NO PROBLEM! It is clear from this one article that not all were happy about the change in Tangaroa but obviously had no say.

I haven’t watched The Amazing Race on a week to week basis since Rob and Amber’s loss was fixed and watching how rigged Big Brother All Stars was although the ‘show’ still ruled because all of my favourite characters ended up in the finals and are extremely entertaining personalities, there was nothing ‘reality’ based about it.

On a positive note although the following photos were taken on the day I broke my collar bone my father and I witnessed something so incredible during the Cross Island hike it is one of those key moments in life a moment so beautiful it will remain as one of my best memories.

You hike to Rarotonga’s peak at 2140ft [we did the hike alone and got lost, it was ridiculous fun] it is called Te Manga. We waited for an overcast day so we wouldn’t bake in the thick rain forest. We left a scooter at each end and started our day’s adventure. Near the top you stand on narrow ridges, we don’t know whether we were on areas that only the locals used or the actual path, we were told it was not a hard hike and we scaled rocks, shimmied roots and could have seriously injured ourselves on many occasions, at one point we did lose trail completely and just had to head in what we hoped was the right direction in relation to Te Manga. It rained on and off all day. The rain was fantastic the after rain was hot and stupid humid but thank Tangaroa for the overcast day because it would have been unbearable with no cloud cover. On the ridge we stopped and heard thunder in the distance. I looked out to the left, my dad to the right, like robots programmed by the hand they write with and quickly realized we were seeing the exact same thing. Rain was hitting us but it wasn’t raining yet the wind was blowing it on us from the sheets that headed towards us both from opposite sides. We got to stand right there and watch the sheets of rain connect to form the storm. The sides did not bond at the same time making the experience that much more thrilling. Unfortunately we could not watch it long as we were sitting ducks on that ridge, but it happened too fast anyway the memory thankfully will last forever.

By the time I actually get the professional photos up which we don�t have yet it is going to be SO anti-climactic! The photos we got from my friend Marc are simply incredible but I didn’t want to post any more photos till I actually wrote something I have the photos from the various people that manned both my parents and my camera as well. All the photos will be on my flickr eventually.

We leave on Sunday for the ‘moon’ I can not believe how busy this week has been I have had no time for nothing.

There were what I am sure are the expected last minute dramas that come up before the wedding from realizing I had left two very important people off the corsage list, having my eye cut and bruised by the bitch who did my eyebrow, lip and chin threading, she TOTALLY missed most of my chin too. [I got ALL my money back on that one] to my girlfriend/make up artist and hair almost not making it in from Calgary to my Aunt showing up, God only knows when.

I got the giggles the night before trying to fall asleep I took half a sleeping pill but it did not go down right and I could taste it in my mouth but wasn’t falling asleep. Little did Gus know it was my last night as an unmarried woman because she was meowing all over for Adam to come home. And yes Dr. York this does mean Gus is a legitimate child now.

I got up at 6:40am. Getting ready felt like I feel before I run a race the only difference being most ten kilometer, half and full marathons start early, anywhere between 7 and 8 and I had to wait out that feeling of I’m going to barf I’m going to pass out till 4:30pm. Those feelings came and went though I was ok at times and just went with the madness that is getting a bride to the ceremony. Though really I think Niki G was ready to knock me out if I smudged my nails one more time. Four women plus myself could not find the ‘hook’ that I would need for my train and we were convinced that they had sewn up the hole for it, we got in the limo and my dad found it in 2 seconds he said “give me that dress” and BAM the train holder appeared, we busted out the champagne.

The ceremony was fantastic. Holy shit for real man, like I knew I was going to go either crying mess or laughing ME. I was convinced I was going to be the crying mess. Turned out we were both laughing and giggling US.

Our Vows:

i promise to love, honour and cherish you to the max.
for richer or poorer,
for better or worse,
in sickness and in health,
and on all federal holidays.

in the presence of these people staring at us,
i, your name, take you, other your name,
to be my wife/husband, forever and ever, and ever,
until we die to death.

The Ring Vow:

take this off at your own peril

The JP at the rehearsal asked if we were seriously going to say that ring vow and umm yeah we wrote it. I was concerned Adam’s family was going to assume I wrote it but Adam did and he wrote the full vows. It got back to us there had been debate among the guests as to which one or if both of us had written them but although I had input privileges they are all Adam. We had also planned on doing our secret hand shake which is not so secret anymore, known now as the SHS before the kiss, we told only the MOH and BM the photographer and the JP- no one else. The SHS went off without a hitch and then we kissed turned around and walked back out to KISS, I Was Made for Loving You. My MOH had walked up to Billy Idol, White Wedding it was AWESOME! All the music the guests heard playing at the ceremony was later given as a CD favor we made and apparently people like it!

I’m dying to see the professional shots. I can’t wait for them!! I can’t, I have to, I can’t!
Considering how fantastic some of the shots Marc got [these are all his] the wait is going to seem like forever!

Edit: All the photos we have received thus far are now on my flickr.

We saw Tool last night. I had never been to a ROCK concert before.

Adam didn�t even like Tool before the concert and he may have just said it was the best show he�d ever seen and something about what could top that now? I�m not sure either.
My hearing is not fully back yet. It is funny walking and not being able to hear your feet hit the ground trying to get the fuck out of there.

Due to my nasty migraines we prepared for the absolute worst case scenario and hoped for the best. We left the house at eight when the concert started we must have gotten there around nine we smoked a joint on the way but somehow Adam forgot to put the other one in his underwear and it got taken away fucking FUCK. People were smoking so much pot from the second we entered it almost didn�t matter, although it did �cause I wanted some damn it. The opening act was off stage and it was interesting to me thinking who was making who wait, Tool or the crowd? The people came in slowly and I wondered if it was the only way they had to show them how uncool it was they didn�t come here for the Lateralus tour but that it was ok they�d been forgiven they were here now.

I have never in my life heard anything that loud it was fucking amazing the chairs were vibrating. I didn�t think I could feel Tool like that, thought I had already been penetrated to the max by their power. I didn�t know you could feel music like that so cavernous and have it actually move my insides. The music was my oxygen.

The stage was all white, images came off the floor and off a small back wall; the stage actually looked like it was going to blow up at one point. Coolest motherfucking thing I have ever seen. Maynard wore cowboy boots, jeans with a huge silver belt buckle, sunglasses and a mohawk. The man must have legs of steel he gets into this monkey stance and stomps around; he sang some songs with a cowboy hat on.

I won�t lie, I cried during the opening song I could not believe I was finally there finally watching them, hearing them seeing them in the flesh. The band is in such an 80�s rocker phase right now it was awesome. I probably had mascara all down my face, I bet I looked rad. I was completely possessed by him by the energy my eyes were glued to the square of space he stomped in. He talked but unless you are not from America you don�t want to know what he had to say. I wonder if he and Natalie Maines are friends.

I would suffer any headache and possibly give a body part away, maybe a kidney to see them again. And I knew they would do �nima as the encore.

[b]The Positives[/b]

I have a stronger support system than I ever had before.

The numbness and ‘swooshing’ head shit have passed.

Swearing IS good for you.

Out in public I’m oddly extremely nice to people, I noticed it a while a go but even if I’m totally losing it and go out for a walk, for a tan, to shoppers even when I started crying in Star Bucks I got it back together fast and come on it was sports and Tiger winning another major geesh of course I’m going to cry.
Now this is NOT an every day thing just something I noticed and thought was good because I was rarely nice to ANYONE in public.

When I’m feeling good I feel really good.

When I’ve REALLY lost it it has only been in the privacy of my own home. [Mrs. E must be loving this shit]

I’m not alone.

Although the lows are bad I have still been able to exhibit much more control with my temper than before I entered a therapy type that worked for me.

Adam isn’t going any where and Gus can’t leave.

I get to live.

Did I tell you that I was in the shower the other day and I shaved a whole leg before I realized I still had my glasses on? It was pretty sweet. When I leave them on after getting into bed and I’m not going to read and Adam gets that look on his face I know and I feel shame or lame or something and generally when I get in the shower wearing them the water on the lenses gives it away and I go for blind. I considered just leaving them on for the other leg and the vag touch ups but decided this was weird, even too weird for me.

Speaking of Vag. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much I like underwear, AKA PANTIES. I like wearing them even when I could go without them and no one would know ‘cept me. I know lots of people and know of lots of ladies who don’t cover their vag with panties but really as long as your vag and ass are covered at all times and never touch a surface I will touch then fine let your vag hang lose do it up. I have always wondered though- - does this mean you can only wear that pair of pants or jeans once? What if you have a heavier discharge day than normal and vag juice starts dripping down your leg and WORSE even still what about the butt sweat? What will be the first defence against the butt sweat coming through your outfit? I just find I have so many other things to obsess over the last thing I need to worry about is my vag sticking out or my vag getting super itchy from pant seams. I still can’t wear a lot of thongs yet unless they are super super comfortable because believe it or not I’m still having some MINOR complications from my ass surgery but they are ONLY minor when they are not acting up and sometimes I already have the damn thong on before I realize I’m having a bad ass day and by then it is toooooo late.

I like wearing just panties, I like that outfit a lot but drop the panties and it is normally for a crap, a shower, to play adult games, or to change them. I used to love to sleep naked but then I have nightmares about bed bugs in my vag bed bugs without the initials A B or C.

I got a hit off: do vaginas get sweaty?

YES they do! Sometimes they sweat because they are hot like say you are wearing non cotton panties and jeans that vag can get pretty hot in there even in cotton panties that baby can heat right on up on you. They should also if they work properly sweat during intercourse so if you are male and don’t like the sound of that I’d suggest finding yourself a cock to suck and just getting on with it.

You’ll notice I’m wearing one of Raymi’s invisible t-shirts. Thanks Raymi.

When I went to the post office to pick up my packages I thought I had it all figured out. I thought it would be either two shirts or one shirt and one book. I was right about one of them a shirt I ordered arrived I haven’t worn it yet and it is not greeeeeen so you can’t see it.

The other package was from MAJA AND GEEEEEEZER! What a FANTASTIC surprise! Maja had mentioned a while back that she was going to send me some vitamins and I believed her and all I just never [i]expected[/i] them to arrive, I mean they are in Australia [the other side of the world the land of the egg laying mammals] and shit and I can’t even get ANONYMOUS to replace all my shit she still has or destroyed and she lives what ummmmmm blocks away from me?

If you are wondering WHY the need for such a provocative shot then click here it’ll clear it all up for you, taking a regular photo would just not do. I know Maja had wanted to see Adam in some sexy shots and was a little disappointed last time that only I posed in the tea towel but she would have needed to have sent a much bigger ‘Kangaroo Scrotum Pouch’.

Wee letter states:

A couple ‘o Australian items those white sulphur crested cockatoos are soooo annoying, but an aussie icon. And who couldn’t use a genuine kangaroo scrotum lucky pouch? I ASK YOU!

…… goes on to talk about the vitamins.

I guess Adam was looking at the packaging for the ‘The Golden Pouch’ and didn’t realize it was real and could not figure out why it had no seams. I laughed at him. HAHAHAHAHAAH

In 1770 when Captain James Cook first landed on Australia’s eastern coast, it was observed that the aboriginal tribesman would wear this unusual piece of leather around their necks to carry precious stones or sacred artifacts…it was found to be the Kangaroo Scrotum Bag.
Later on, white men settled the east coast and many flocked to the alluvial gold fields of Victoria and New South Wales in search of the precious metal. As miners accumulated their hard won riches from the creek beds, it became customary to store their gold in the seamless sturdy leather Kangaroo Scrotum Bag, which became known as “The Golden Pouch”.
Today it is considered in many parts of Australia to be a good luck charm to store valuables, coins, precious stones, jewellery, etc.
We present “The Golden Pouch” a unique yet useful piece of Australian folklore…which we believe will bring you good luck as it did for many early settlers of Australia in the past.

The bird has a press here button which we press every five minutes to piss off Gus and we have plans in the works to record these annoying bird sounds to entice Mrs. E. to come in we are going to leave really LOUDLY and then sneak back in and start up the bird as if it is like missing us and shit and then BAM cunt will come in and we’ll call the cops or something like that. This bird is rad we were reading the little pamphlet that came with it and the ‘call’ was recorded from a MALE probably NOT fit with a kangaroo scrotum pouch in 1974 near Canberra, Australia.

Maja and Geezer are in London right now hanging with The Bateman and The Stephanie and I was boiling over with envy and jealously more so because their sock monkeys Vern Stanley and Lester P. Mason are going to meet or so I tell myself but this Kangaroo Scrotum is the best.

THANK YOU guys SO MUCH! You can pretty much GUARANTEEEE you’ll be getting some good old Canadian Moose shit in the mail.