On Saturday morning an invitation came in on Facebook for my girlfriend Bonny’s birthday. Every year we have our birthdays two days apart. I generally go out for her birthday. But this year I realized I had nothing to wear. But not only did I have nothing to wear nothing I own fits so I couldn’t even pretend to pull off an outfit and I also did not want to wear what I am going to wear for my birthday which will still fit because it was a bit big before.

Having issues with fit is nothing new to me. But in the last seven or so years I have gone from being a size zero and weighing between 100 and 108 lbs to now weighing close to 130 lbs. Due to the stress brought on by our wedding I was very small again when we got married, around 115 lbs. Since the wedding I have gone through A LOT of mental shit but in a lot of ways am feeling comfortable in my life like never before and also being on three medications for depression I’ve put on close to another 15 lbs. Basically when I would fluctuate back and forth between too thin and 115 lbs I could make my closet work there was a enough variety. But now that I have passed 120 lbs other than t-shirts and my size medium underwear nothing fits. This would be perfect if only underwear were considered short shorts and it was a tiny bit warmer here year round. I have been living in yoga pants and track pants, they stretch.

I really don’t give a shit what size you are when your body starts to change in a not so sexy way in your opinion or you put on weight it is hard to stomach and I’m having a lot of trouble looking at my body in the mirror and not saying horrid things about it. When I was a youngin’ I was picked on CONSTANTLY for being ‘too thin’. I was called every name in the book. I had no tits, I somehow always had a butt on me though. But kids are relentless and I almost got beat up once for saying that my jeans would fit some girl because they were size six and huge on me because big baggy pants were in and I just meant they’d fit her, she thought I was calling her fat and sent a posse of fists out after me. I have spent my life mostly choosing to stay out of weight conversations unless they are one on one because being the ‘thin’ one no matter what you say, it is wrong. I have never understood why people used to always feel comfortable spewing out “you are so thin”, “you are so skinny” and thinking it was a compliment. I’m sorry but this is NO different than walking up to someone who is fat and saying “oh my god, you are so fat!” I would never do that so don’t fucking comment on my weight. Although I have never been anorexic or bulimic, you don’t know me you have no idea what sort of keeping weight on issues I might have nor do I know if you have some kind of problems keeping you fat. Being too thin even without the stereotypical things people assume when they see you is JUST as unhealthy as being over weight, there are many other reasons a person on the thin side could have problems keeping weight on if they want to which there always were with me. The intensity of my anxiety can cause me to drop 10 lbs in a week. NOT HEALTHY.

Now, to be honest until recently I was very arrogant about my body and used to think it was pretty hot, as I was told it was many ‘good’ things once I hit my twenty’s, I’d go so far as to say there was no way I would ever lose my natural six pack even when I wasn’t working out. I was always well aware of when I was too thin due to my depression though, it was still a double edged sword. When I was too thin and I knew it was due to depression and people made comments about it, I played it off, knowing there was nothing I could do, but it made me feel like shit, on display, singled out and disliked JUST because I was thin. When I was eating two burgers a day and receiving the same comments and knew I wasn’t too thin it still made me feel like shit but I flaunted it to hide my insecurities because when you are viewed as a ‘hot body’ by males and ‘too thin’ by women and not a whole person for a large portion of your life your self perception gets warped and your values in relation to why people like you became shaded and you can get lost in offering yourself to people in ways you never normally would just to be accepted.

Because I have been feeling so negative about my shape and flabby belly and thigh skin I have started to work out and run again but running is at the mercy of my knee. This is the first year in my life I am dreading putting on a bathing suit.

Due to having one pair of jeans I can wear, but are still too tight in the waist, I thought there would be SOMETHING to wear ‘out’ but after trying on pairs of pants after pairs of pants and just NOTHING fitting, I was feeling worse and worse, I started crying, Adam gave me a hug. But then I dug into a bag of clothes where I knew there was a pair of pants that I bought when I was little miss corporate girl and got them a size too big and tried them on, they’re a size 6 and were still too small but they would do. I had to take them in for emergency same day hemming. Now for a shirt. Again nothing, everything I used to wear out was too short too tight or too bar star for my age. It was raining harder than cats and dogs but we hoofed it to The Bay after tearing the closet completly apart and found a kick ass shirt I love. I don’t feel any better about my body, but I had a good evening and my shirt looked sweet.

I obviously have to learn to accept my new size which I KNOW when I am in my rational mind is not fat but disliking my body is new to me, and having a closet and dresser FULL of clothes that don’t fit, I just don’t care what size you are it is depressing.

I have finally joined the modern ages of blogging. I decided this tab blogging bullshit had to end. Adam hated that I’d always have LOADS of tabs open slowing down the computer which runs at the speed of light anyway so I don’t even know why he was complaining, whatever the complaining can now stop I built an iGoogle home page and I added Google Reader and now I read blogs via feeds a.k.a. a more modern way. I am a proud nerd for other reasons but none relating to computers, finally I am starting to enter the real computer nerd world. I guess you can say I’ve been in it for a while I have had a blog for over two years but it doesn’t run with any thanks to myself I am very dependent on others, I thank John, Rebecca, and David for their help with that. Reading off of feeds rules I don’t have to go sifting through blog after blog after blog that hasn’t been updated in ages and I have decided I am angry with people whose feed I can not subscribe to, I do however forgive people who have private blogs that I read. For someone who spends as much time on the computer as I do I have no idea how I am still so computer illiterate. Oh to be computer good.

Yesterday some birthday money arrived from my parents [thanks mom and dad] via the mail box and I spent it instantly. I bought three books and a running outfit. I got this kick ass wrist band thing that holds your keys and shit, it RULES, normally if I’m running in something that doesn’t have any hidden pockets I wear my keys on a shoe lace around my neck and I can’t stand it! I went over the amount given by $14.68 but Adam said that was alright. The books I got are:

A Thousand Splendid Suns, Khaled Hosseini,

Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier, Ishmael Beah

The Road, Cormac McCarthy

All of my bookshelves are full again. I can’t say it bothers me THAT MUCH I do enjoy stacking books up on top of the books already on the shelves; I take such pride in their organization. One day I want a whole wall that is only for books.

OH and check this out, Stephanie sent it to me. If this ever happens to me because of anything I take for my migraines, it will make it all worth it, having a genuine connection to Spock. A girl can only dream.

My Converse shoes completely fell apart on both inside heels BUT I love them and they are pretty much fine everywhere else and I am NOT a fan of sneakers looking new. I am fine with fancy shoes looking new and am actually anal about keeping them that way but sneakers should look worn. I will run around in dirt to achieve a dirtier more worn in look faster if necessary. With sneakers there is ONE exception and that would be my actual RUNNING shoes those are ONLY worn for running and nothing else and if you are a ‘runner’ you know that you can have a pair of shoes that you have ran through completely that are so clean it is hard to believe you can’t run in them anymore or the complete opposite and they look like a bomb hit them when they are done. But see, running shoes to a runner are like golf clubs to a golfer so trying to keep them pristine is different. But I digress; the rubber on the backs of my Converse shoes was actually cutting into my heels and I did not want to give them up and wearing thicker socks wasn’t helping so I did what any other bred and born Canadian would do and I duct taped them. Or rather Adam duct taped them. Even though I was suspicious of the slipperiness and skeptical of my abilities to handle all the little folds and creases in the taped heel I was desperate. I have worn them twice now since the taping, once with thicker sports socks and once with thinner socks and both times NO slippage and NO heel pain. I am pretty sure that most people know how amazing of an invention duct tape is but this is really my first experience with its full awesomeness it saved a life, even if it was just the life of a pair of shoes it is still life saving shit. Long live my Cons.

And P.S. Would I be able to call myself a true Spock fan if I did not post this? I think not. Just be warned it is set to Nine Inch Nails, ‘Closer’ so don’t be silly and open it at work. It could also be considered a short documentary entitled: Spock and Shatty - An Even Closer Look at Their Love.

In finding this I discovered it isn’t just Crocodiles that Erin Magnopere and I have in common now we have Spock and boob obsession in common too and I didn’t even know it. She posted this video before I even knew it existed, what kind of Spock fan am I? You learn something new about your blogging buddies everyday! Or maybe she likes Shatty? I just assume it is Spock, I hope it’s Spock, please let it be Spock.

unless they are of the athletic variety and match the sport i am participating in i will not wear shorts. until last summer it could be over 30 degrees and there i’d be in my pants. i fully agree with the women on the original british version of what not to wear: women + shorts = wrong.

i hate the heat. so much. it gives me a rash, it itches, i get sun stroke in like ten minutes and then i feel barfy. HELLO migraine. plus i sweat a lot. i hate BUTT sweat the most. yes i did ladies and gentlemen - i just said BUTT SWEAT in reference to myself. i started to get paranoid about my butt sweat penetrating my jeans, which in turn would make me sweat more. you can only imagine the trauma the summer heat causes me. THE TRAUMA.

last summer i decided that my legs couldn’t be that bad. they are rather chicken like. but one of my nike running shirts even says ‘i run therefore i am’. the shirt was obviously telling me it was ok to expose my legs because i run. never underestimate my ability to read between the lines people. i bought two skirts. they are short but when i sit down everything is covered. which almost brings me to the climax of this post. i also cut off a long jean skirt totally crooked but i wear it anyway- it is shorter in the back and barely (but does) cover the pertinent areas when i sit down. this year i added a plaid wanna be golf skirt - i say ‘wanna be’ cause it doesn’t have built in shorts. but again it is ’safe’ to sit down in.

so here’s the deal. girls and women wear skirts a fuck lot shorter than mine. some only wear their vaginas with them and i simply can not get this out of my head. yesterday while walking up the street with adam i saw a girl with a skirt so short it wouldn’t even have covered half my ass. i almost went insane ranting. whilst praying she had some form of panties on.

we have all seen the photo of paris hilton getting out of her car legs akimbo naked pussy right there for the whole world to see. (i will not post it as a reminder because i do have limits) i worry every time i see these ladies in these skirts so short i am half drooling and half grossed out - how many chairs have i sat on that your skanky, sweaty, wet vagina has graced? not to mention your butt sweat. i walk around paranoid as paranoid can be that my ass is not covered and i wonder don’t all women worry about this? and i wear FULL ASS panties with my skirts i won’t even wear a thong if i have a short skirt on. if my vagina in a thong were to touch ANY chair or surface i’d freak.

i understand WHY women would not want to wear panties with skirts. trust me i get it. i just think when you really give it some thought it is seriously disgusting. EVEN if you have full butt panties on i still think it’s gross - the skirt should at least cover your entire private area when you sit. i take good care of my vagina it is important to me and i don’t want any part of your vagina/butt sweat anywhere near MY vagina. no offense. i am sure you all have lovely vaginas but please keep them covered if you are going to sit down and you only have your vagina on under your skirt.

**please note when i say ‘full butt’ it does not mean i support granny panties.

i love shoes. athletic shoes, casual shoes, leather boots, rain boots i have them all. but my favorites are my work shoes. the shoes that kill my feet, the shoes i can’t wear at all for any length of time if i am training for ANY KIND of running event. but these are also the shoes that i strut so hard in when i do wear them that no man, no woman - not even todd bertuzzi could take me down.

please note: i never ever ever actually go out shopping or ‘looking’ for shoes. shoes find me.

this pair is really nothing special. but basic black does go a long way.
now that tattoo. it is tigger. NOT tony the tiger OR the ESSO tiger. i got it done in terrace on the day of my 18th birthday. ewwww how defiant!! i have considered covering it…i want a big ass crocodile/gator….the tail would start on my foot and wrap up so the body would cover tigger and the croc/gator would have a BIG pink tongue. BUT sometimes i get all sentimental about him cause he was my first and he is cute AND the best is that he is the tigger from MY generation of winnie the pooh. tigger has had a complete makeover by disney since 1995.

fuck i love these shoes. i generally wear all black with them or my favorite is pairing them with a super hot green top of some sort. i started doing this BEFORE pink and green together came back ‘in’. people were like pink and green so don’t go together and i was like wanna bet, want me to punch you?….look how hot i look! now go away jerk face and stop wearing tapered, pleated (from the very very top) pants and we’ll talk.

i smacked my face into the window and covered it with drool. these were an ‘on the spot’ purchase.

these sandals go with everything. they look super hot with my betsey johnson. wanna talk about foot pain? these fuck my feet up so good every time i wear them that i actually allow thoughts of ‘why DO YOU wear shoes that hurt your feet’….to creeeeeep into my mind.

i’m in an elevator with some dude that is obviously super rich, he looks down at these shoes and says “are those manolos” i’m like “no but they aren’t from payless”. as IF he thought they were manolos ARE YOU KIDDING ME. work on your lines buddy work on your lines. they are BCBG.

these are not mine