Little does Mrs. Bollwitt know that she was ultimately, if I take you back to the beginning, the inspiration for the first new scan since February 2006 and it seems as though not much has changed - I had the vision and got it first go. If I don’t get it first go I normally don’t get it. I’ll have fun wasting a bunch of time trying to get better ones but it normally comes back to my first go at it.

WAY back in the day because someone asked me to, I did a post on EXACTLY how I scan myself it is here and I think you should check it out as I am still using the same scanner but you get to see my arms with no tattoos on them and my old crappy computer. I personally like my arms better WITH tattoos but that is just me. And just in case anyone is wondering I have yet to ever use any photoshopping on any of my scans I do all the color changing etc. with the scanner options before I push the FINAL scan button.

Rebecca told me that if you searched “Corinna” in Google that I was on the first page or something like that and I didn’t think it was a big deal because it isn’t a very common spelling, most go with the double rr long story short I Google myself with just my first name and there it is and the number of pages of us was admittedly larger than I thought it would be. Of course I have Googled various variations of my name but oddly never just my first.

I forget about it.

I was getting ready to go out last Saturday with one of my keeping it old school BFF(s) Spockette and I remembered what Rebecca had told me so I told Adam to search me and I sort of knew what was coming but I just waited……. and my premonition came true and he asked, “did you look at the images?”

“Some of them.” [insert innocent chuckle]

By the time I got to the computer he was pages into the images.

“Not one of you.”

“Oh, I know it’s hilarious, it is all pron.”

There are lots of hot naked chicks out there named “Corinna” with really big nice boobs that I wish I had and they were all in braids. And I used to rock pigtails and pigtail braids a lot back in my early 20’s so I thought whatever JUST because I am ALMOST 31 does not mean I can’t rock braids anymore so I wore braids all day. SWEET. THANK YOU PRON for busting me out of my, ‘oh so boring hair’ wearing ways. Lately I have been doing much cooler things with my hair but I’m still not like I used to be but I also don’t have a live in girly girl anymore either.

As confirmed the other day one of the things that originally attracted people to GG was my scan art. Thanks to enough people emailing me and asking me when I moved to WP WHERE the HECK my scans had gone, I’m going to bring it back. I’m just older now and not as flexible it is harder to think of poses. Give me a bit.

And secondly this used to be a place where I spilled all about my struggles with depression and although no proof remains in comment form there are many emails in a folder and people did feel safe talking about their shit here.

I don’t know exactly what it was that made me stop. I’d say it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I leave my house now and I hide my depression as best I can when I’m out and I’m basically sick of it, I can’t do it anymore and I guess I don’t believe that people will still accept me if I’m down and out honest about what life behind closed doors is really like for me that in some ways it still feels like it is never going to get better and in other ways no matter which way you look at it I am doing better than ever. But the areas I’m doing better than ever in aren’t areas that people outside an incredibly small inner circle ever see.

Lately I have been grumpy and moody to a degree I have never experienced before. I’m not doing well in group settings haven’t been since January 20th. and I’m starting to lash out in negative ways. aka not thinking before speaking or twittering. Because sometimes it is easier to deal with making people not like me. I’m used to that and getting used to the idea that people do like me, honestly, I’m having some issues with it.

I think you are still going to see me as the genuinely nicer person you’ve seen develop over the years but I feel it necessary to stop hiding how seriously depressed I am because when I don’t post on it I just end up feeling overwhelmed and don’t post at all. Going back to the brutally honest way I used to write this blog just with a more mature outlook and less of the fook word are what I need right now with where I am in my therapy.

I want to make it clear to anyone who it wasn’t blatantly clear to before, kind of a disclaimer if you will, that I have never and will never post about MY depression, MY mood disorders, MY anxiety for sympathy and any oh please love me bull shit, not saying I don’t appreiate it but May 2008 will mark five full years with my Psychiatrist and if I wanted sympathy I wouldn’t look to the internet for it. Just saying. There are so many of us out there who struggle with these disorders and all I want to do is tell my story.

Remember when we had no camera and so because of my friend David I started to scan myself and things? If you weren’t around then, we didn’t have a camera in 2005 and parts of 2006 so I started to scan myself and things.

I didn’t size them for flickr at all, I’m posting them small so they don’t look funny, and if we aren’t flickr friends then you can’t see the money.

sometimes its hard to give gifts when nothing will do except the exact perfect one that this person has to have. some people i think are like me and take these things way too yahoo seriously and super personal. for those of us who dont like decision making the gift can even not get gave, but those events usually coincide with the climax of a focussed stress and whos in a giving mood when youre fighting with yourself. thinking about all this made me start to pick at the constitution of my hyper Santaness.

my first move is always to give a person what i think they want. after all, giving is supposed to be a selfless act, right? so what then if i take a glee derivative from the act? that surely must mean that the act is selfish. i too often feel like i am trying to show the recipient how clever i am for knowing and perceiving them soo well that they didnt even know that they wanted the gift but instantaneously they realize its what they wanted all along and the gift makes everything perfect. this dog and pony show is largely due to the fact that those recovering self-loathers like mee is are not easily convinced of their own worth, and must employ every resource within their facility to prove this out beyond any reasonable doubts. this is a hard one to beat.

now, with persistence, many of us the like mees make it through past that first barracade, no more paralysis, no siree. to get there we have to persuade ourselves that we are worth a hundred bucks, and whammy we are confronted with what we want and what we think were supposed to. this is a new feature weve never seen before and honestly its confusing as heck when you get to it on account of the lesson we were sposed to learn was that we ARE valuable and all special and of course worth that hundred bucks at least and therefore should feel not guilty about meeting the needs of the self in place of the otherses. at first you dont believe it but thats why its first you do it anyways and it feels uncomfortable to beat the band but you do it cause you must and there its done and that cant be changed any longer. so heres where i think the gift giver who is meelike exports what we wants to step away from the old pattern of the pleasing of the others. tho this is progress, again, this product is misguided usually. the new territory is bewildering. we didnt have the discourse of this before to act into, and now we are learning the mannerisms of value. this is always a weird way to learn and completely backwards but it is surmountable.

now as you might imagine, the final stage ive been leading up to with all this beeyess holds the key to the universe and you will never ever burn another piece of toast as long as you live and so forth. so what do you give when you cant give what you think they want and you cant give what you want them to have you have to give them the thing that you never thought of and are holey moley spontaneously realizing its the thing what youve always wanted to give all along. im pretty sure that once you make it around the block safely you can see that all you are really capable of giving is yourself and that its enough to be a good gift the one they really and also realy wanted and in fact is all that they will need. once you buy into that i guarantee you can go into any bank and flop yourself up on the counter and whoevers at that tellers gonna count you out a full hundred and youll take it cause its yours.

happy 30fth birthday chokeroo. i love you like mrs butterworbs. im your man.

Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question. Post on your blog. Comment back if you post it on your site. No comment regarding whatever songs that might come up. Stolen from LOTS of bloggers.

Will I get far in life?
Time – Sarah McLachlan

How do my friends see me?
Sunrise – Simply Red

Where will I get married?
Come Fly With Me – Frank Sinatra

What is my best friend’s theme song?
Never Felt This Way – Alicia Keys

What is the story of my life?
Organ Donor – DJ Shadow

What was high school like?
Jesus is Just Alright with Me – Doobie Brothers

How can I get ahead in life?
Rock and Roll McDonalds – Wesley Willis

What is the best thing about me?
Hard to Explain – The Strokes

How is today going to be?
Blue – Joni Mitchell

What is in store for this weekend?
End of the Day - Beck

What song describes my parents?
I’m an Old Cowhand – Sons of the Pioneers, Roy Rogers

My grandparents?
We Rule the School – Belle and Sebastian

How is my life going?
Born to Kill – The Damned

What song will they play at my funeral?
Downtime – The Gandharvas

How does the world see me?
The Pocket Knife – PJ Harvey

Will I have a happy life?
Shadow Boxer – Fiona Apple

What do my friends really think of me?
Blue Moon – Nat King Cole

Do people secretly lust after me?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone – Bill Withers

How can I make myself happy?
I Want to Break Free - Queen

What should I do with my life?
Times They Are a Changing – Bob Dylan

Will I ever have children?
Shut Up – Black Eyed Peas

What is some good advice?
If I Fall You’re Going Down With Me – Dixie Chicks

What is my signature dancing song?
Bottle of Smoke – Pogues

What do I think my current theme song is?
On the Way Home – Buffalo Springfield

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
It Won’t Hurt – Dwight Yoakam

What type of men/women do you like?
Ocean Man - Ween

So now I come to you from my donut pillow atop my CPU chair dealing with the fact that I’m going to have to face it I’m addicted to blogging. I was blogging standing up so I could read your comments on ABC’s special appearance post*. As well as the ones I didn’t get to respond to on ‘The Rhoids’ post because I left to be cut a new asshole. I typed comments also in the standing position on some of your blogs because until late yesterday my ass did not go near the CPU chair. Honestly though whether I should or should not enter ‘addicted to blogging anonymous’ {ABA}, likely treated with a one step program of throwing your CPU out the window, is still up for debate.

Ass-Surgery which is quickly becoming my favourite ‘word’ of 2006 was fan-fucking-tastic.

See this ‘I love you’ pillow? Adam bought it for me to sit on coming home because everyone had a different opinion on the donut pillow, some nurses said GOOD some nurses said BAD. I barfed on it twice in Adam’s boss’s truck [we got the barf out].
I feel like the biggest asshole ever for barfing in the truck because I inspected the bag first for holes and I did not see any. I figure the acid from my barf ate through the bag.

I won’t lie to you people. This is the nastiest shit ever. Far, far worse than landing on my head with no helmet off a motor scooter breaking my collar bone, and the subsequent surgery combined x 10 million and 6. And I do, as MANY will attest and sign notarized documents were I to ask it of them, have a high pain tolerance. I would not put it above or below any of them though to also check a yes in the ‘whines a lot’ box. [in the 90’s they DID NOT have helmets to rent with the scooters in the Cook Islands]

Some of the Ass-Surgery high-lights are, but don’t be fooled, are not limited to:

Simply having ass-surgery at all; what a fun story to tell from the start of ‘The Rhoids’ to being just weeks away from being able to add the ending.

The stench of the surgery site drainage and the fact that I have to wear night time absorbency pads 24/7 [with wings] as to not ‘ruin’ my panties and clothes; this goes with the 4 to 6 baths a day. People, I have not worn ‘a pad’ let alone worn it 24/7 since the 10th grade, I remember very clearly the switch from pads to tampons and it was for a reason. I had up until today considered myself extremely lucky because I was not experiencing ANY butt chaffing but alas “Happy Valentines Day” to me, I officially have butt chaffing.

There was enough freezing that I made it home in relatively good shape except that upon arrival I barfed a third time [into the toilet]. I got no sleep the first night at all. NONE. The freezing came out and my sphincter would not stop going through random but enthusiastic spasms sending me yelling out in pain. Not crying though I didn’t cry once. Big girls don’t cry. The sphincter spasms lasted for days, I don’t think I even have to tell you how incredibly AWESOME that was.

My first bowel movement took over an hour. I chugged glass after glass of water to take my mind off the fact it was happening fresh out of bed at 7 something in the morning with absolutely no pain killers in the system. Everyone knows that I Corinna Liscumb have a mild tendency to exaggerate but this is different and I would never do that in regards to something like this, Adam sat on a stool [haha I said stool] the whole time and basically held my hand. Although I would give anything to see my facial expressions there was no fucking way I was busting out the camera even for something as memorable as that was. In case anyone is DYING to know my second pooh was much shorter but just as painful and involved yelling and the word ‘fuck’ at times.

THE REAL DEAL:

I woke up in super sexy and I mean SUPER Sexy white mesh gauze stuffed panties that I AM keeping as a souvenir.

Adam and Gus both have been the bestest of the best. Adam is a fantastic male nurse and it very conveniently turned out that he doesn’t have to leave for work until tomorrow. Thank you baby Jesus seriously on Monday I was no where near ready to be alone by tomorrow morning considering it is late evening here as I’m writing this, I still won’t like the having to leave bit, but having him here Monday and today was better than great.

For Valentines Day which I view as a total commercial piece of shit holiday that we don’t celebrate other than in the random ways we celebrate everything we celebrate; Adam in this true spirit got me a Hump Back Whale I’ve named Magnum and a Whale Shark that I’ve named Blue Dot., both of which I have Scanned for YOU to keep with the tradition of scanning our insane gifts to each other.

These two creatures of the water are a gift from the heart of my true love to be played with during my 4 to 6 daily baths that I will now have to administer to myself.

* [An ABC special appearance] will now show before all his posts so you know it is him, I realized I never mentioned he may guest post.