in keeping with my neurotic and some what masochistic urge to be in the grips of a gator’s death roll, i even wear gators on my bum.
i also felt a bum scan was in order after having almost caused some of you permanent blindness last week.

thus i scan you my bum.

this was the most challenging unassisted scan i have accomplished so far. i had to balance on my hands and feet over the scanner careful not to bash the lid or crash down onto the top - and press the stupid button. i did not want crotchy and the only way to get a non crotchy scan was to ‘hover’ over it. geesh. my arms are super sore so i really hope you jerks like this one!

think that getting nekkid is totally up your alley?? then click here NOW.

Jerks this is just too fun not to show you. David and I were talking about mrs. e. David is: Worf Style. David and I have been friends since high school he is a jerk I know. My headache has since gotten better so you will notice a name change during this messenger conversation. Enjoy. And if you missed the drawing, it is below my kick ass golf sores.

headache of all headaches…bug me and risk death says:
can i tell you what my fav part of my mrs e drawing is?
Worf Style says:
of course
headache of all headaches…bug me and risk death says:
the scale…cause what the fuck scale is it like built to really…i mean i didn’t measure anything
Worf Style says:
hehe
headache of all headaches…bug me and risk death says:
of course though really
Worf Style says:
i know, it’s funny. didn’t you say she was 4′1″
headache of all headaches…bug me and risk death says:
probably
headache of all headaches…bug me and risk death says:
im not 100% sure i need to be 100% accurate on her as everything is just funny about her
Worf Style says:
hehe. you are so funny
headache of all headaches…bug me and risk death says:
plus sometimes i think she MAY be 4′11 but most times i do think around 4 feet. i have been known to be generous at times.
Worf Style says:
I don’t know, but she does seem really really small everytime I’ve seen her, and not like dwarf small, just like a stump
headache of all headaches…bug me and risk death says:
like dorf
Worf Style says:
exactly
chompy chomps on things says:
she is INSANE
chompy chomps on things says:
and german she probably only likes me cause i am blonde and german but small german like her, and have a german temper
Worf Style says:
Have you ever seen her husband?
chompy chomps on things says:
YES
chompy chomps on things says:
he is SO GROSS
chompy chomps on things says:
like GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSs
chompy chomps on things says:
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
chompy chomps on things says:
i hate him!
chompy chomps on things says:
he totally creeps me out
chompy chomps on things says:
on a good day he MAY BE close to an inch taller than her
Worf Style says:
hehe
Worf Style says:
i wonder if they are war criminals ffrom ww2
chompy chomps on things says:
I BET THEY ARE
Worf Style says:
you should turn them in

Bottom line, I watch way way way way too much sports this time of year. You could even say I am bored watching Federer and Maria (oh maria) win in straight sets. (shit as I am writing this Federer may finally have to go to a 4th set) Straight sets are boring….like pars are in golf. BORING. I am ALMOST thankful that there was no hockey this year because the amount of sports that my body needs to ‘see’ to operate properly has grown outside of what I think ‘just a hockey season’ could provide. Plus the Canucks would of likely gotten kicked out by the Red Wings or by Colorado. (I hate the Red Wings…just the team not the PEOPLE who love them (except one person)….everyone should be respected for the hockey teams they love but making fun of people is ok) Colorado I love because they have Burnaby Joe and I love Forsberg and the team USED to be a Canadian team. Granted, I can’t love Colorado like I used to. I struggle with a very strong love/hate relationship because there is some - how do I say, friction between us and them now cause those jerks took out our captain and then our teams main liability Bertuzzi levelled Moore. (that will be a different post k?) All I will say is that I LOVE BERTUZZI!!!!!!! I have always been WELL aware of his being a liability to the Canucks but I have been in love with him since THE DAY he started to play here. I am NOT a band wagon Bertuzzi lover and take GRAND offence to those who think I may be. Sometimes I even sleep with my Bertuzzi bobblehead doll. But the sharp edges tend to cut me.

On Friday my Chris DiMarco Golf Club Cover arrived from Ebay in all of its Gator glory. I likely could of gotten these scans to look slightly better had I of treated it like a puppet but instead I left it covering my driver for the scan. Talk about awesome that DiMarco one of my very favourite golfers has a Gator for his personalized cover and gators are my ultimate favourite animal in the WHOLE WORLD. I wonder if DiMarco would be offended that whenever I am putting like a fuck face I always say ‘fuck, I am so putting like DiMarco today’? (yesterday I TOTALLY was)

I golfed Saturday and Sunday this weekend. On Saturday I had my best round EVER. I got a 69 par is 54. I got 7 pars! (in this case pars are not boring) When I first started to ‘get good’ I was still ‘cheating’ taking lots of mulligans, if I missed an easy par or bogey putt I would simply take it again with the RULE that if I got it in that time I would take the par or bogey score but if I still missed it I would take the alternate score. About two or three months ago I stopped doing this completely. I do not take ANY extra shots. I count ALL of my shots. At first playing HONEST was hard cause my scores obviously went up considerably, but Adam insisted I was making my play worse by cheating. He was totally right. I have so much more confidence now and feel so good about myself when I come off the course. I take total pride in my scores cause I see groups of asshole guys going off on how they ONLY come to the par three to work on their short game and laugh in the faces of people like me who take it seriously. To those assholes I say:…..go fuck yourself…everyone has to start somewhere and golf is golf no matter what fucking course you play it on! Because my short game is becoming super strong I will have way more confidence on longer courses and I can’t wait to get out there!!!

Gus and I have a very special relationship. Gus is what you would call a special cat. Gus licked my bum cheek once and I think she liked it, I thought it was weird and I decided right then that she was a man in her past life. The life right before she became a cat. Gus was the runt of the litter. When I went to pick up the kitty who would become Gus there was one other kitty left and the lady said something totally gay like: maybe you should take the other super cute, super fluffy long haired, none runt, light grey kitty. I said BAH. Give me the RUNT! I want the RUNT.

Eleven years ago when Gus came home she was VERY runt like. She sucked on her tail, she swatted at my dad’s pee, she would smell like piss and she drooled a lot. A lot is actually an understatement. Gus also has this kick ass disorder called anti-inflammatory bowel disease. This means she can’t eat ANY human food or she barfs EVERYWHERE. This got me thinking say I had of picked the other kitty, say I had of left ‘Gus’ there, I hope that ‘Gus’ would of found a good home. And to this day I hope that home would have been with a band of professional Cat Jugglers. I personally think she would have been perfect for it. Really, I can’t think of any profession that she would be better suited for. She is small, she is super cute, agile, and she has a great MEOW and snarl when she is PISSED and she does awesome acrobatics when she chases her imaginary friends around the apartment. I know that most countries have banned cat juggling and that if you are caught cat juggling you and the cats lose your paws. Cat juggling makes the cats barf a lot and the barf is always projectile. Gus is a barf machine and barf activist really. If I could be covered in the vomit from any juggled cat I would want it to be Gus.

If Gus wasn’t so old now I think I would start my own cat juggling band. I would move to Egypt where the sport was invented and juggle cats right on the streets of Cairo. If the Egyptians tried to arrest me or cut off my paws I would explain to them all the benefits that Cat Juggling would bring to their economy. I don’t think there are any but I wouldn’t care. They would be floored by my skills, realize it is super super good luck to be covered in cat barf and suddenly all over the world cat juggling would be HUGE and GUS would be the STAR and everyone would want Gus to barf on them. I would limit Gus to being juggled three times a day as to not waste her barf. If people got mad that she was only being juggled three times a day I would just stick my finger down my own throat and barf on them. Problem solved.

I am going to have to start a breast ‘category’ I know it.

Ok y’all here is the deal and seeing as it is pretty evident that I do in fact know everything I expect your full attention.

Sometimes (not all the time….before you start shitting on me there ARE exceptions) I am overly puzzled by the complaints from women in regards to men staring at their breasts.

I myself am a woman. I have breasts. Small ones but breasts none the less and I like mine A LOT. Shit I just realized my bra is on twisted again today. I was going to hold my breasts as I normally do when I sit thinking and I was like man what is that annoying pain in my side and yup yet again wasn’t paying attention when I got dressed. I am wearing this one today. Back to my story now jerks.

I have always been a LARGE lover of breasts. Whenever I’ve made out with chicks I have always gone STRAIGHT for the boobs. I look for any excuse I can to grab my girlfriends boobs AND if they don’t like me staring I tell them to PUT THEM THE FUCK AWAY. (since I met Adam I have not made out with any chicks but the boob grabbing is TOTALLY different) When I go out for walks or go shopping, basically go wherever there are women it is all I have to keep MY eyes on where I am going. I walk around staring at chests, all of them, all the time. I will notice a woman and her teetas well before I will notice an attractive man. And no I am not a closet lesbian, this is my point….If I can’t stop staring at your tits, talking to your tits and drooling over your tits…please explain to me how the fuck men are supposed to?? For real. Most of us bitches flaunt them like it is Christmas every day.

Just something to think about. Or not whatever….won‘t stop me staring at your teetas either way. That woman, the crazy one that won’t look you in the eye…that’s ME!

Have a good weekend jerks.

I am very grumpy at present. I have had the worst headache for days now. The worst ! This post will not be long.

I have never been an allergy sufferer but I think I am starting to get them. Last year sometimes when we were out golfing my nose would start going crazy and I couldn’t stop sniffling and my headache would go from bearable to my wanting to die in under 60 seconds. Thing was, it didn’t happen very often so I just chalked it up to pressure change.
This year it is really bad. It is happening almost every day and my headaches are worse than they have been in years. When they change consistency on me or if I get a different kind of headache from the normal ones (say I put my neck out, or I get sick or something) I more than notice it. But normally ‘a change’ won’t last too long. I have gone 20+ days with the same headache and what feels like no breaks in the pain, but this is different and worse. It comes on without warning and my sinuses hurt, but my nose is not clogged, and I feel totally cloudy like balloons have been inflated in my head.

Hence I am grumpy, tired, annoyed and don’t feel like writing. The TV on 8 sounds overly loud and we normally watch it on 11. It hurts to move let alone leave the apartment.