By the time you read the first sentence of this post Adam will have had himself snipped. Had a vasectomy. I don’t remember having to shave my hairy ass crack for my ass surgery but Adam did have to shave his balls. But I’ll leave the nuts and bolts talk for Adam because the boy goin’ blog about the whole thing. I would assume you’ll see his first post as soon as he can comfortably sit and write. Maybe if I picture a laptop long enough and concentrate hard enough one will just miraculously appear, that would seriously rule and prove me wrong on sooooooooooo many things.
There has been talk of this upcoming V in various forms over the past few months on GG. At first I was keeping pretty mum on it because Adam had not told his family, his relationship with his family affects me, I wish we were both closer to them but we aren’t and I asked him if he was going to call them and tell them or if he cared if they found out via the internet. He said via the internet was fine. I went from alluding to it to admitting it.
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I remember being around twenty-six when my biological clock started to tick. I found this extremely alarming because I had fought endlessly with the self proclaimed pundits over the facts that “I was young” and “would change my mind about not wanting children when I was older”. I do not believe twenty-six to be old but it isn’t young either. I’d already been through more at twenty-six than I’d say most folks have gone through by fifty; until the ticking time bomb started my mind wouldn’t wander into hypothetical ‘baby bliss moments’ very often. I also met Adam that year. I was blatantly honest with Adam that I did not want children but that my body was seriously fucking with me and telling me I did but that my mind was working overtime telling it to fuck the fuck off. I spoke with a girlfriend I was extremely close in age with who also did not want children but was also feeling the effects of the good ol’ biological clock and how hard it was to fight. Other than finding someone who was my age and didn’t want kids but the clock was still ticking that was all the knowledge I gained from that conversation. Totally a let down.
I had never and did not want children and neither did Adam. At this point our relationship was still new so we didn’t discuss the whys. But like a lot of couples we had a couple of pregnancy scares. One that was just that a scare, for whatever reason my period didn’t show one month it was a January. The second I *may* have been carrying something, my period was over a week late but I was not showing positive on pregnancy tests and I had been to a walk in clinic when the bitch still hadn’t shown up and showed negative there as well but when I finally got my period it was EXTREME. More extreme than any period I have ever had. I won’t go into detail, I think every woman has either heard this particular story before or had it happen.
These incidents sent me on a mini lets constantly talk about a hypothetical baby and how AWESOME it would be to have a REAL ONE kick. This didn’t last long because eventually even the hypothetical kid grew up and we seriously boooo-ed on that. Once the hypothetical crap past we got married already knowing but having not revealed to either side of the family that we were one hundred percent not going to have children. With my being an only child and female it just did not seem fair to tell anyone before the wedding, but even when I would allow myself to fantasize for real about kids it would always be as a mom of two boys and I’d be a hockey mom but it never went past the hockey mom part.
I am not going to bash on my childhood or bash on my parents, what would that prove? The past is the past, although yes it is one of the biggest reasons that I do not want children. The truth is I despised being an only child and the neglect I felt was something that five years of therapy is still helping me work on. I can’t change the truth or how I remember my youth, I can just deal with it.
On and even more personal level what was torture for me aka highschool a place that ultimately lead to a suicide attempt with a lengthy hospital stay and how I was treated after this incident also play largely into my no baby reasons. Sure, I had my ass kicked a few times, was verbally abused in the hallways almost daily, my locker vandalized with nasty shit written on it almost weekly, I’d have to have people come pick me up at school from time to time, the tires were popped on my car, twice, and my photo was posted up in the males washroom with obscenities I won’t even repeat next to it and so on and so on but it is nothing, just NOTHING compared to the fate of a child targeted by bullies today and there is no way to determine who will be the loser and who will be the bully. And even if there were it wouldn’t change my mind.
There is nothing worth taking that risk for me.
There has always been a part of me that feels slightly guilty because there are so many women who want children and for whatever unfortunate reason can not have them. But it isn’t my fault that adopting is so hard. And I believe strongly having felt it that if you make it through that biological clock ticking away at the high decibel it tended to tick at that you know what you want, better yet, I’ve always known deep down what I want and it isn’t a child. I think babies are pretty fun, but the part where you hand them back over is the best. Kids like me since I’ve truly left any thoughts of having a child behind me, my energy towards them is entirely different and they are responsive to me, they used to scare the shit out of me before and I know they could sense me coming a mile away. I do get scared of being old and alone, like what if Adam dies? Or when Adam dies what if I’m pretty young but can’t bear to have another man in my life and am forced to live alone forever in pajamas with lots of cats and all the seasons of Oz and Sex and the City and masturbation becomes my life and I only order in, even my books?
And last but not least I obviously suffer from various super fun mental illnesses. Between the possibility of passing that on and my child having to deal with half of what I dealt with being a kid, a young adult and an adult, there were some great times, but not enough to even consider bringing a child into THIS world.
We always talked about Adam getting a V but we didn’t think we could afford it. And so we just dreamed of it until the fateful day it came up in a conversation with a couple who had made the decision to get the snip snip snip too and we discovered they are free here in the lovely nation of Canada, felt like idiots for a second for not knowing and then he made an appointment. We’d already been welcomed into the club; we are now just making it official.
