Thursday, October 19th, 2006
The [b]Risperidone[/b] is not working. [original post here] Or it is working but it does not seem like it is going to work for me. The psychiatrist was not worried about a placebo affect with me because �I am so convinced that nothing is going to help me�. I did feel better pretty quickly but unfortunately not without side effects I can not handle. Last Friday I explained that my paranoia had lowered but not really I still got myself into a totally delusion induced argument with a girlfriend. I was not FREAKING OUT and throwing fits or things or even mini fits BUT I could still feel all the anger inside boiling away I just didn�t give a shit. But still feeling it there boiling away and not having any outlet is not solving the problem. I also can not remember what I�m talking about a lot and forget what I�m talking about mid sentence I have also had people tell me that KNOW I smoke pot every day and can not tell the difference between me on pot and off telling me I look �dopey� that is not good. I stare off into space and am God only knows where, probably on the holideck of the Star Trek Enterprise fantasizing about Spock or some shit I honestly couldn�t tell you. And yes before you ask Dr. B KNOWS how much pot I smoke and has of course advised on many an occasion that I WILL be quitting. I�m trying, sort of, if you call still smoking put everyday just less pot everyday trying. I KNOW that some of my memory loss is related to that but I�m also used to that and this is different. After spitting that all over him because I have about a teaspoon of extra saliva in my mouth at any given moment as well, he dropped my dosage from 25mg twice a day to 25mg once a day and take an extra if you are having a particularly bad day�..OH like every day since I dropped it. I haven�t taken the extra any day since last Friday and almost everyday has been �bad�, but why bother I�ll have relief but there is no point in being a Zombie IF I can�t even eat people. It is SO frustrating to have been given a drug that does work but if I take the dose needed for it to work the side effects are too great. I take the lower dose it doesn�t work at all but I still have the side effects meaning that it is not going to be like I had hoped, that once my PMS cleared and my body adjusted to the new tits I�d be able to up it back to 50mg and call it good enough for now because at least I �care� what is going on so I could keep on trucking along on my therapy. Now I�m just a pile of anger not knowing what the fuck to do. Looks like I�m going to have to choose a new Anti-Depressant and live with semi relief but at least some relief.
I�m getting to an acceptance stage. I�m getting there. Accepting it is SOME drug for me or no Corinna. No harm in the trying to be off meds when I�ve been on them since 2000, at least I know that at this time I can not be drug free it isn�t like I ever gave up the Clonazepam so I was still on SOMETHING anyway in fact when I went off Effexor my Clonazepam was pretty much instantly upped. But I see these 40, 50 something year old women on shows and what not still suffering still miserable who have tried every drug and I�m already on what drug 7 now. I am totally losing faith. I have faith in my therapy but if I were to lose that for any reason I�d find out where he lived and camp outside his front door till he found me a new therapist. I also know 7 is not a lot BUT to me IT IS.
I wanted this stuff to work I really did but I won�t be a walking Zombie cept on Zombie city walk days, Halloween or as a favor to a friend who wants to scare someone so at least someone benefits from these drugs. Technically if I stay on them I guess I could just go as me for Halloween and people would think I was a Zombie anyways.
Tomorrow it will be back to the drawing board. Fun, I just love sessions dedicated to what drug shall we try next!
