Soulful shade of blue

Published on June 26, 2007 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

Yesterday I spent most of the day sleeping. I tried really hard to stay up but my depression just completely over took me and it was bed for me. I wanted to read to avoid bed but couldn’t pick my book up. I was freezing and slept in my full track suit and staggered out of bed about thirty minutes before Adam walked in from work. I’ve been trying to fight this off for almost two weeks now but am losing the battle. Each day I seem to be getting worse. I am feeling defeated. And it makes me cry.

I feel like I tried hard, but what does that matter. I found a combination of medications that were working for me, or so I thought, there was bright light at the end of the tunnel. I was feeling good about myself; I was being social, answering my phone, leaving my apartment, running, reading a lot. Right now I have a major headache and I can’t eat which I know is not helping the headache. It is warm out and all my windows are closed because I am freezing. I want go to bed now but I normally try to make it till early afternoon.

I’m pissed off that I have side affects from my medication that are serious enough I need a bloody CT scan. I got called for my appointment yesterday but haven’t called back yet because it is at a stupid hospital far away from where I live and I’m starting to wonder if my Dr. is retarded seriously how fucking hard is it to book me into a hospital near my home not over an hour away on transit, I had my ass surgery there as well and it was a total inconvenience and ended in me barfing in my friend Dvo’s truck due to the crazy driving and ridiculously long drive home. The receptionist at my Doctor’s office is a bitch and I’m just not in the mood to deal with her.

The drop in the Risperidone is really fucking with me. My hormones because I’m producing prolactin when I’m not pregnant are making me feel like I have 24 hour a day PMS. While my ‘breast milk’ is not really going away due one to me playing with my boobs constantly and two because I am still on SOME risperidone my extreme paranoia [negative attentional bias] has returned with a vengeance I can’t even imagine how bad it’ll be get when I’m off the risperidone completely. There are other drugs that can be added back to my cocktail so I will be back on track but that isn’t the point, isn’t even CLOSE TO THE POINT.

I can’t handle the simplest things right now. If I try to talk to someone on MSN and they are ONLINE and ignore me, they hate me. If I’m talking to someone and they sign off-line, they hate me. I’m finding myself jealous of everything and feeling left out of everything and feeling like no one wants to hang out with me. I am feeling like I am annoying everyone and unaccepted. I’m taking everything personally, even things that have NOTHING to do with me or do they I seriously don’t know and am jumping to conclusions because I can’t control my emotions or my feelings. I am so fucking selfish I hate myself a lot, I can’t see past the end of my fucking nose half the time and I don’t even know why people are friends with me because I act like the world revolves around me and all my problems are the end of the world. All or nothing thinking is for pussies and I’m a pussy. I feel like my mind is driving me insane. I wanted to take my whole bottle of clonazepam this morning but didn’t because it won’t kill me anyway and Dr. Buttle will just make me get my dosages in weekly re-fills for months again like last time I pulled that shit. It is fucked because even though I am back to planning out possible suicide attempts in grand detail in my mind that take up many hours of staring off into space I am in a space where even though I can’t stop planning it I don’t really want to die at present I just want to sleep till I’m not depressed anymore. The only problem is my reasons for wanting to live are not my reasons, they aren’t for me.

I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the things I am supposed to be working on in therapy so that one day I can come off medication which is obviously not ever going to happen because I can’t even handle a 25mg drop in ONE of three meds I take. My mindfulness training, my meditation, my empathy exercises and breathing I can’t or won’t do any of it right now because it all seems fucking pointless. And honestly learning how to feel empathy and put myself in other peoples shoes because I’m a selfish fucking bitch is just making me feel worse about myself.

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  • http://www.gusgreeper.com gusgreeper

    no no no im just talking in a general paranoia sense…i don’ think i’ve tried to talk to you without you being there. :)

  • http://www.gusgreeper.com gusgreeper

    thank you very much for your comments! i appreiate them all and all of your opinions, they do generally help me put a lot of things back into perspective.

  • http://basicallynonsense.blogspot.com Paul

    My messenger signs me in when I’m not even here, so I hope you’re not offended by me…

  • http://rilah.wordpress.com rilah

    stephanie: no, i wasn’t trying to be minimizing or patronizing. from experience and from talking with cor, i know one of the worst things about hitting a low is the feeling of impotence – that’s it’s not in your control. i was basically trying to say that she does have some hand in how she feels. not necessarily if she’s in a low point, but how she looks at that low and whether she wants to sit there and take it and feel worse about sitting there and taking it (because often, we feel guilty for “allowing ourselves” to feel depressed) or if she wants to say “fuck it, this isn’t working” and temporarily do whatever will work for her – with a feeling that SHE made the decision to do so.

    sometimes locus of control can mean everything.

  • capegirl

    p.s for more practical advice:

    try some Bach’s Rescue Remedy. it helped me a lot when i came off my meds and went a bit (well a lot) psycho. it’s useful when the body undergoes an extreme change like this. and it’s cheap and won’t harm you.

  • capegirl

    when will it ever end huh? depression makes you feel very c*nty, and trying to heal yourself and this “evidence” of “failure” makes you feel even c*ntier. this is the plain truth really. just bear in mind that a drop in the dosage will do this, so you are not you right now, the drug is talking for you. that’s not fair either is it? it’s really just hard to know what to do when the drugs don’t always work, coming off them works even less and staying off them is a crap shoot. you have the right to deal with your issues in the way you see fit.

    this stuff (depression etc.) (i.e. endless traumatic crap) is not for the faint-hearted and you’re still you underneath it all, and everyone is a little selfish. in fact you could maybe be a bit more selfish even! just go easy on yourself sweetie and i for one am rooting for ya. tommorrow may even be a better day for you. i’m hoping so anyway. or if not, give up the fight for a while, give in for a while. the railing against it sometimes just escalates it. pretend you have the flu, you’d lie down for a week and not hate yourself right? pretend it’s mind-flu.

  • http://thefunkybee.blogspot.com thefunkybee

    Corinna – we all go through rough spells and that’s okay. You are allowed to be down. You are allowed to sleep all day. You are allowed to have horrible thoughts (as long as you don’t act on them lots of people love and need you). You and I both know that you’ll get through this one like all the other’s before it and things will get better – easier said than done, I know. Maybe you need to up the med’s back to where they were. There is no shame in taking meds to make you feel good and balanced. You need to stop putting so much emphasis on that. I know it’s hard but once you’re ready, go speak to the doc and do whatever you need to do to feel better. I’m sending you good wishes and hugs!!

  • Jacki

    I think we all wish we could just wave a magic wand and make you feel better!

    Hang in there, things will get better even though right now you are thinking they won’t.

  • http://jbsmith322.blogspot.com Brett

    Corrina, you rock.

    I agree with Liz. I really love reading your posts. All I can offer is to keep you in my prayers. Take care, and feel better soon.

  • Liz Grady

    It’s fairly obvious that you are a seriously awesome person, or you wouldn’t care about getting better and other people’s feelings. Depression is just a little part of you, the rest of you, from what I can see, is a fab, brilliant, funny chick.

  • http://www.materfacit.wordpress.com jenn

    i don’t think rilah was trying to be patronizing or critical, she’s just concerned, as all of us who know and love cor are, and is trying to offer something more than the “hang in there, we love you, we’re here if we need you” that those of us, myself included, resort to because we don’t know what else to say.

    but it’s true – we wouldn’t care if we didn’t love CAC so much for being her wacky, quirky, beautiful self.

    and i wish i was there right now to make her cookies and rub her belly and have her teach me guitar hero, because i don’t think anyone else would.

  • http://www.lyvvielimelight.blogspot.com Lyvvie

    I hated lactating on Citalopram and is ultimately why I went off the meds all together. I don’t hate you, I think you are fabulous. Quirks and all. YIM me anytime. BIGHUGS!

  • http://www.findingnorway.com {illyria}

    i’m sorry i missed your 30th bday, sweet. and i’m sorry you’re going through a tough time. i know it doesn’t feel it right now, but you are a damn good person experiencing not-so-good-days. and that’s okay.

    sending you much love. xx.

  • Stephanie

    Rilah, I think that if what Corrina is going through is ultimately “up to her”, she would never go through this….ever….you should know as well as she does that it’s just not that simple. It’s a little odd for you to mention positive points about her, then skip down to such a minimizing comment….ESPECIALLY if she’s already down. You really should know better than that. Sorry, I don’t agree with you on that aspect of your post.

    It’s basically like telling anyone who is sick whether it be physically or mentally that it’s “up to them” to get better. In reality, it’s up to whoever is dealing with it to deal with it to the best of their ability, and that is all someone can do. It’s not however, COMPLETELY up to that person. There are things we don’t have control over, and like I said, all we can do is put in our best efforts to deal with it positively. Corrina DOES put in a damn good fight. I’ve known her since I was a kid. By saying “it’s up to you”, when someone is going through this, you may as well say “you’re not trying hard enough”. If that isn’t your message, so be it, but that’s how it comes across, especially if you’re sensitive at the moment.

    Corrina is a strong woman, don’t ever imply that she doesn’t try. Put yourself in that mindset and think of how you would feel if someone said that to you….not too good. You say you’ve been there….

  • http://sarahlaughs.blogspot.com sarah

    anything i can do to help, you know i’m here for you.

    Rilah brought up some very valid points, as well.

  • http://rilah.wordpress.com rilah

    at the risk of being totally unhelpful and coming across as patronizing, which i’m not trying to be, whatsoever – what IS going to help? Seriously, if you think the drop in risp. is causing this, why not just start taking the original dose until you can deal with possibly switching to another AntiPsych? and what kind of a dose change have you been dropped from/to?

    I mean, yes, I completely have been there, where you are, I know how it feels (and i know that it would piss me off royally for someone to be leaving this comment, but it kind of would get in there a little bit and then i would start to turn it over a bit and so on). I also know what the other side feels like and it’s not worth NOT lactating for a week or 4 days or whatever, at the cost of your entire self-esteem and pride and expression and everything else that is truly wonderful about you and makes you YOU. the one that we DO LOVE.

    So, are you going to give in and ride the blue wave? or are you going to take the FUCK IT attitude and use it in your favour? ultimately, it’s up to you…

  • http://www.sams-stories.com Sam

    Okay, now I’m paranoid that you’re in my head and posting from my brain. Stop that. It’s creepy. And I totally understand.