Error 911

Published on February 15, 2009 by Corinna Carlson | 19 Comments

Tumultuous, tempest, terrible, trashed, throw up, turbulent, tired, tried.  Tried from every direction, every angle. I can hardly see straight right now but feel the need to sit here and listen to music and Adam is watching the golf channel with no sound and sewing a sock fucking monkey for a cactus dude. I want to watch one of my rented movies but I think I need to unload a little first.

one. So for those that got the Error 404 and didn’t read the post I took down because it was an email I sent to my therapist and wasn’t all there, whatever, the gist was that my parents are separating after almost 40 years but my mom is looking to be having a another break down at present and things like two hundred and fifty thousand dollars for an emergency evacuation are being talked about the neighbors where she is holding up talking at a very fast pace and heightened pitch the ear off the wife and the husband is phoning me saying I need to go and get her just go like now and go get her. Fuck are you kidding me. AND my shrink is NOT taking my 911 and I can’t go over the bridge for an appointment tomorrow and I’m directing rage in all the wrong places but actually I’m not raging I just feel like my head is going to explode for real, there is way way too much information to process right now. Music makes it easier to keep some of this shit at bay. I have no idea what to do, I am paralyzed with fear and I always knew that if my mom came to terms or even started to come to terms with what my dad did to us that’d it would be too much and it is, oh it is. And I may just be making an emergency flight to Bali to get her this neighbor dude can apparently get her a medical visa and I can enter because I am Canadian for up to thirty days being an ex agent comes in handy but doesn’t make me want to be sitting in Hong Kong waiting for a flight having no clue where the fuck I am but going to get to Indonesia when HELLO I suffer from mental illness too, haven’t eaten in days and am on a heightened dose of medication that should have me passed out flat on my back. Absolutely no clue, just no clue how to handle this.

This is made of ridiculous, it is real but it doesn’t feel real not even typing it is making it feel real and it is so fucking real. I am glad she is leaving him but this is way more than I signed up for.

When I first found out over email from my dad that she was leaving him I got to the point of the drool cry that one step past the ugly cry. But since that very moment until this very moment I have been the sanest of the three of us. I am so seriously overwhelmed right now I can’t even express it but sleep? Forget about it. I can talk to Adam again which is fantastic like that was seriously just my normal February shit PH killed himself it is going to affect me how it fucking affects me every year and that is that, I’ll put up a warning sign next year do not disturb between January and February 4th or risk the guillotine. This year because I’ve been feeling vulnerable for a while now it crept up on me in some new but very significant ways.

So I am so stuck in the middle it is insane and I’m pissed as fuck they NOW after almost 32 years are both fucking making it about me and my dad is blaming me every chance he gets. Wow, fuck this shit. Fuck it hard.

  • Iris

    I also have to agree with Barbara. There are no normal families. Normal is a silly word that someone created because they were not normal and needed to feel like they belonged to something.

    The way humans related to each other, it’s a really bipolar thing. I think, being that we’re individuals, there’s a selfish quality to us in that we exist alone in our heads, so we want to do things that make living alone in our heads bearable and harmonious (like not engaging in confrontations, even though we should, or not giving someone love because it’s too hard for us), but at the same exact time, we also do things in order to exist harmoniously with other people, like being generous or courteous or activist. It’s this weird balance of making oneself happy and making one’s environment happy.

    Anyway, this is a long story longer: Parents can fuck up their children and treat them like shit, not because their children are doing anything wrong, but because they aren’t harmonious in their skulls, so the selfishness is taking over and they can’t see that making their environment better (aka treating other people, aka children better) will help sort it out inside.

    This sounds like a lot of crazy talk, but I see it all the time, not to mention a lot of the things my mother put me through because she was lonely and couldn’t be with just herself.

    I wonder if this is making any sense to any one else but me….

  • http://gusgreeper.com Corinna

    i would never think ill of you @sarah or most people for their feelings because i have a lot of feelings and i appreciate the feelings shared here. a lot.

  • http://fortheloveofrocks.blogspot.com MAJA

    Wow, Corinna, that is just insane. If I’m in a situation where I don’t know what to do, I just do nothing. I think you’re right not to just get on a plane and go get your mum. Have a think about it, maybe talk to your shrink dude about it, be sure about whatever it is you feel you should do. Things will hopefully calm down a bit with a bit of time. Good luck!

  • http://opheliamourne.blogspot.com/ Ophelia Mourne

    wow, will the intensity ever end…

    *hugs*

  • http://sarahlaughs.blogspot.com sarah

    i’m going to go with the Girk on this one. i know you want to be there for your mom. but you do need to take care of yourself.

    about the PH thing.. and maybe this is just me. but. i think next year will be a little easier. i think you reached a point this year. i really do. i believe you are starting to realize it’s good to heal yourself and i think letting your parents do their own thing will help you. you can always re-evaluate the situation later.

    ABC4, the “normal” family is a myth.

    seriously Corinna. i love you and you can think ill of me for my opinions and i will still love you.

  • Rhonda

    I tried calling your cell…I will send an email! You are strong enough for this, one step at a time.

  • http://notyoureffingshitd00d! bex0r

    how old are your folks? how long they been together? sounds like it was only a matter of time. I know its harsh but sometimes the best thing you can do to help someone is to leave them along so they can learn to help themselves. (this doesnt necessarily go for all the time, like with babies and mentally challenged folks, but still..) your mom has had how many decades to get her shit together and she’s still losing it?
    it’s not your responsibility to look after her… she’s the one who up and moved to bali! if she wanted to be looked after by you dont you think she would have stayed closer? atleast the same CONTINENT? geez.

    sorry. i just think it’s unfair the amount of pressure you put on yourself GG!
    there’s only so much you can do until it starts to put you out, taking on their shit. unfair.

  • capegirl

    Because you DO deserve it

  • Capegirl

    I truly find it sad that they cant do better for each other and for you all it would take is a little humility and some human kindness-but i understand plenty about how parents fail to behave gracefully unless your mom is in mortal danger id wait it out and support mom by phone for now make a choice for now and dont feel guilty they are adults-you can re-evaluate later and you can look after yourself while you wait

  • http://gusgreeper.com Corinna

    that was pretty much what i was trying to get across to their neighbour last night, i felt like the biggest asshole EVER i told him everything she is feeling against him is valid, she was afraid to go back over to where they are staying, their house is STILL not even bloody ready, talking to her last night was simply sad, thank goodness these neighbours were there for her, but at the same time when i was talking to them, talking about medical evacuation and shit i did say this is what they chose i can’t just get on a plane and come get her and then what? seriously.

    before it was apparent she was actually having a breakdown, my dad was asking me to come to Bali, that was sort of different i could have mentally prepared a bit, and i was considering it but im not going to be forced on a plane by some neighbour dude.

    everything, everything that has happened in the last six years in my life was to handle this fucking moment, i know it.

  • http://iamlove.blogspot.com Barbara Doduk

    Sorry for the typos – But you know what I mean. I haven’t had coffee yet.

  • http://iamlove.blogspot.com Barbara Doduk

    There are no normal families, there are only families that project that imagine to the outside world.

    In any case, you know it is not your fault. Blaming you is easier than accepting blame, your father has issues. You know this too. I know you feel responsible for “saving” your mother… but who will save you? Sometimes it is hard to put up that strong wall and say, “sorry mom and dad but your made your bed, lay in it.” But really, that is my opinion of what you should do.

    HUGS kiddo, you’ll get through this. It is merely one more test of your soul.

  • http://www.urbanista.ca/ MJ Ankenman

    As I said in the email….wow way way too much. It sounds to me that you are coping with this as well as you can. Just do what you have to do to make it through and call on all the support you can get. Holy crap. No matter what they say this is not about you this is about them. Facts are facts no matter how twisted they try to make them.

  • http://bumperstickerbuddhas.blogspot.com Jack Smynde

    I will. I will fuck this shit hard. But only for you and for Adam, because I’m not remotely attracted to it. I hate everything fucking your shit up.

  • http://gusgreeper.com Corinna

    word this am is she has had a full break down and has been taken to hospital in Denpasar eight hour road trip or some shit, details are sketchy but she is not well not well at all and having only the man she wants to leave there to help her makes me feel o so fucking good.

  • http://christopherbate.blogspot.com Christopher B

    If I had my way, my family would be sock moneys.

  • http://gusgreeper.com abc4

    i want to document one of these “normal” families i hear so much about.

  • http://dickandchick.blogspot.com/ Chick

    Wow…WAY more than anyone could have signed up for.

    The fact that you are dealing with this…in any way shape or form is impressive.

    I hope you get through this & continue to know how tough I think you are.

  • http://cjscrisis.blogspot.com C.J ‘Collapse in a heap, no need for heating’ Hixon

    I’ll say the same to you as I said to your hubby, “Stick the kettle on, I’ll be there in 10… ” If I lived there that would be true…… damn you Atlantic!
    I’ve got nothing as (I’m sure we’ve spoken aboot before) every situation is different and dealt with in different ways. I can say as a product of a broken home myself, It takes two to Tango, this is an issue between the two of them and you are only a factor of what must be many things leading to this. It’s not your fault, but I think you know that. I’m the same between the 6th and 14th of July every year. I should just make a sign for around my neck that says “If found please return to nearest pub and leave well alone.” If it helps any, It does gets ever so very slightly easier every year, but again, different strokes for different folks.
    Roll on summer, talk for proper soon though yeah.
    C.J
    *Bert would say woof but he’s passed out on the sofa having a running dream and drooling*

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo